Chapter 33 Jude
THIRTY-THREE
JUDE
As we walk back to her hotel room, she slides her arm around my back.
That feels so right. It was the best night.
It was an experience to have Faith celebrating with my friends.
I could tell they love her, and she fits right in.
The pieces are falling into place, and I don’t want the night to end.
Tomorrow, she leaves, and I’m not ready for that to happen.
I still have the other letter. Tonight, I’m giving it to her. This letter is a deep reflection, and I want to share it. I grab the door handle, open it up, and we walk in. “Okay that I stay?”
“Yes, of course.”
It wasn’t convincing. I wish I knew what she was thinking right now. She’s fidgeting with her hands, so I know something is up. I need to clear the air with her.
The magnetic pull is powerful, and it can’t be denied. Gathering up my courage, I take the letter out of my pocket. She sees what it is and stares at me as tears well up in her eyes. I’m not sure what she’s thinking, but I keep on. I move the letter from my hands and wrap her hands around it.
“I want everything on the table, Faith. This time with you has blown me away, and I can’t hold anything back.” My hand rubs the back of my neck. I’m not sure how she will take the letter that’s in her hands. I wrote it about a year and a half ago.
Faith,
It’s been years since I saw you. Ten years since our lives changed forever. Maybe more so for you than for me. Well, let me start over…
Eve had a baby today. She named her Maya, and it brought up all the memories of us.
One of the biggest regrets of my life? Not being there for you when you found out you were pregnant and had the abortion.
I regret not being there for you, and the guilt has piled up.
It was a terrible decision not to come back to you.
I have no excuse. I was selfish. No one tells you how an abortion will affect you—not as a guy.
I’m sure your experience was much different from mine.
It was your body. I’m sorry you had to do that alone.
I cried while holding Maya. She is the most precious thing in the world.
We gave that up. I know the decision was hard, but it doesn’t stop the hurt all these years later.
I carry that guilt and regret for not being there with you; it feels like a bag of rocks.
I don’t think I will ever fully heal from loving you.
It’s a constant battle to not dwell on the past, but it always seems to come to the forefront when I least expect it.
If you were here with me right now, I’d hold you tight, apologize, and never let you go again.
I’d spend the rest of my life making up for leaving you and making our life the most important thing I live for.
I hope one day, I’ll be able to share all of this with you, and I also hope I’m not too late.
I don’t know how, but I believe that miracles do happen.
You would love Maya too. One day, I hope life will come full circle for us. Until then, I hold you and our baby on my heart.
Loving You Always,
Jude
She folds the paper and puts it on the table.
Never looking up, she walks over to me, grabs me, and pulls me into the tightest hug I’ve ever experienced.
Her body is shaking. There’s no doubt she is crying.
Emotions are very high right now—for both of us.
We stand and hold each other, healing the wounds left in the wake from all those years ago.
I gather myself after a few minutes and ask, “Can I show you something?”
I’m hoping like hell she says yes.
She slowly looks up at me and nods. Her face is red and blotchy, and her eyes are swollen. I remind myself that I am here to take care of her, hold her, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
“Your sister had a baby?”
“She did. I held Maya and sobbed. It was a precious moment as an uncle. Holding her brought up those memories that I shoved deep down.” All the tears I’ve been holding back roll down my cheeks. I let them flow and let out the hurt, regret, and guilt as I focus on us.
With a nervous smile, she asks, “Do you travel back home often?”
“Since Maya was born, I travel back home way more often than I used to.” A genuine smile spreads across my face. “I adore her.”
She places her hand on my heart. “Does Eve know about the abortion?”
“Yeah, she was the only one I told. She told me to go find you last year. I almost did, but I ended up keeping myself busy with work. Maybe I was avoiding it. Why would you even want to talk to me after all this time? After everything I did to you? My mom and sister have been dropping hints about me moving back home. Now, with my niece growing up too fast and having this time with you, I know it’s the right time. ”
I can’t help but think about that moment when Eve held my hand while I snuggled Maya…
when she told me I haven’t been living. She said I’ve been going through the motions, being successful, but not living life the way I would if I had the love of my life by my side.
She hit a nerve with that one. I knew she was right, but I didn’t have the balls to do anything about it.
Instead, to honor Faith and the baby, I went and had an outline of a baby footprint tattooed on my heart. It was a way to remember the loss and the birth of my niece, who was a gift to our family.
Taking my shirt off and letting it drop to the floor, I take Faith’s hand and place it on my heart. “You, the baby, our everything…this footprint is a reminder of all of it.”
She gets on her tiptoes and presses a long kiss to my heart.
Her hands find their way behind my back as she holds me tight.
With her head on my chest, I can feel her body moving in a jagged motion.
Warm tears roll down my chest. The loss is heavy on my heart, and I can feel it’s heavy on hers, too.
The quiet sobs give way to wanting to be closer to her.
Our bodies just seem to crave each other.
There’s more electricity between us than I’ve ever experienced.
Our souls are connecting—intertwining—with each other. There’s no going back for me.