Chapter 35 Faith
THIRTY-FIVE
FAITH
His erection stands, begging for my mouth.
I gently stroke his balls while grabbing his cock at the base and squeezing.
He’s getting harder, which I didn’t think was possible.
Grabbing my scrunchie off my wrist, I shove my hair up into a bun.
I dip my head down and swirl his head into my mouth.
The taste and the musky scent makes me want to deep throat him, but I take my time.
I want to show him that I can take care of him, too.
I glance up to meet his eyes that are full of desire.
“Faith, your hot mouth feels amazing,” he says, sliding his fingers through my hair to lightly grab my head. He allows me to do the work but gently pulls my head down.
Lifting my head to the tip, I flatten my tongue against the underside of his shaft.
He grunts and pushes my head so his cock slides a little farther into my mouth.
My clit throbs, and I want to grind my pussy against him.
Instead, I claw one hand up to his chest and scratch my nails over every muscle from his chest to his abs.
With his hard, thick cock in my mouth, it’s making it harder to not lose control.
Then, I say the hell with it and deep throat his erection.
My breasts feel fuller, and my nipples tighten into hard pebbles.
I lick him in long, languid strokes with my tongue, swirling at the top and sliding back down.
“I need to be inside of you,” he says in a gruff tone.
His confession makes me move faster and suck his cock harder. I’m dripping wet, and I’m not sure how long I’ll last before I take matters into my own hands and slam myself onto his cock. I feel him tensing, and then he grabs my head tightly.
“I need to be inside of you. Please,” he begs.
Slightly tilting my head upward, I see his half-hooded eyes…
that’s it. I’m definitely riding him. His eyes greet me like I’m someone to be worshipped.
I take him into my hand and slide his head over my clit.
With his cock in my hand, I massage my clit.
As the pressure builds in my core, I slide down onto him and let out a loud moan.
I arch my back while cupping my breasts and pinching my nipples.
“I won’t be able to hang on much longer if you keep touching yourself like that.”
My fingers make one last circle around my nipples, and I release them.
He grabs my hips, thrusting harder and deeper. My tits are bouncing up and down, and I see his eyes blazing with fire.
My orgasm is right at my fingertips as my clit slams into him repeatedly.
Moaning and breathy, I say, “Oh. My. God. I’m close.
Harder, Jude.” I tilt back slightly, and he hits the spot.
My hips are grinding on him as I continue to chase my orgasm.
I close my eyes and feel my pussy spasm again and again.
He holds my hips tighter, moving them ever so slightly as he lets me come down from heavenly bliss. God. I don’t want to stop.
“You look even more beautiful with those pink cheeks.” He swipes his hand over them, and I lean my face into his hand.
With that, he flips me over while still inside me.
He moves slowly, deliberately, and lovingly—making it last longer.
He’s taking control, and it feels like he’s truly making love to me.
He brushes his hand over my head and down my face, then slides his forearms under my arms and grasps my shoulders for leverage.
The butterflies in my belly take flight.
He’s holding me so close to his body as he slides in and slowly back out.
He stares deeply into my soul, and my chest aches.
I never want this feeling to end. Our hearts are tethered as he makes love to me, and my heart expands into the depths of it all.
He picks up the pace. I squirm under him and arch my back.
He’s a perfect fit for me. He pulls my shoulders down, somehow getting even deeper into me.
The scent of fresh rain and sex fills the air, and I move my fingers along his chest and up to his head, grabbing hold.
My moaning is getting louder and faster, the intensity is buzzing through my body.
The way he thrusts causes him to hit my clit over and over.
His cock slides over that spot as my pussy holds him tight.
I’m grinding in sync with him, unable to get enough.
“You feel so good. I’m going to make you come one more time.”
A breathy yes comes out of my mouth.
He thrusts his cock deeper, and I hear the sounds of slapping as our bodies collide. My pussy clenches around him, my orgasm overwhelming me.
“Jude!” I moan loudly as the pulsing of my pussy grabs him tightly, and that's all it takes for him to grunt in my ear and spill inside me.
He moves erratically as my pussy wrings every drop of his cum.
He collapses against me as we both try to catch our breath.
His hand makes its way to my hair, and he brushes it off my face.
As I close my eyes, I can feel my body full of electricity from his touch, but mostly from his dick that is still inside of me.
“This is how we’re meant to be,” he says, pressing his forehead against mine and closing his eyes.
“It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My eyes go wide as those words come out of my mouth before I can think twice about it.
“We’ll make this work. I know we’ll figure it out,” he says confidently. It’s like there’s no reservations for him.
I’m trying hard to stay in the moment and not freak out about how it all will work—and not just logistically. It’s a big risk for my heart, too.
“A week from Saturday, I’ll pick you up at noon; we’ll go out on a date once you’re back home and settled in after your trip. We can spend the entire weekend together.”
Drunk on sex, I say, “You will come to Massachusetts to take me on a date? You’re crazy.” Then I think about having him at my house. “But yes, I’ll go on a date with you.”
A weekend with him sounds like a perfect way to spend time together. But then my mind goes back to the logistics of dating him—a sought after photographer who travels a lot.
How will it all work? We just casually date when he has free time to fly in to see me?
I’m not ready to uproot my entire life and practice for him. So am I not as committed to this as he is? He’s already said he’s moving back home. Will he follow through on that? Doubt creeps into my mind, and I feel sick to my stomach.
He breaks through my deep thoughts and doubts by saying, “Yes, it’ll be the best days we’ve had so far, I promise.”
He caresses my body and places a soft kiss on my cheek, then my neck. “I’ll be right back,” he says.
He slides out of me, gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
I miss his warmth, the closeness we shared.
I hear the water running, and then he returns with a warm face cloth that he uses to clean me up.
I’ve never experienced this kind of treatment after sex with any man.
The fact that he keeps doing it tells me it’s something he just does to pamper me.
He presses kisses against my stomach, and then he leans over and whispers, “I’ve always loved you. I’ve never stopped. Maybe this is too soon, and we’re moving too fast, but I had to say it.”
Warmth moves through my entire body. Not only did he say it, but I felt it tonight.
Looking back, I felt it when he recognized me the moment our eyes met in the lobby a few days ago.
I’ve spent years wishing this would happen, but it still feels like a dream.
This man embodies everything I’ve ever wanted.
He opened up to me. It was more than I could have ever imagined.
I’m thinking about a future with him now, and I suddenly realize that I love him, too.
But doubt consumes me once again as I think back to Sam, the one person I ever considered settling for.
Sam and I made love one night, and he told me he loved me.
I knew it was coming, but I hesitated to say it back.
He didn’t have my whole heart, but it only made sense to move on with Sam. It was two years ago…
We lie intertwined and facing each other.
He’s rubbing my back, and we talk about what we want for our lives.
Of course, he starts by first telling me how he wanted to stay in town or live in one of the nearby towns.
I nod my head in agreement. My home and work are here.
I wouldn’t want to move. Then he talks about wanting to have four children.
He has three siblings and wants a bigger family than the average.
He asks, “How many do you want?” Like it’s a given that I want kids.
I look away and say, “I don’t think I can have children.
” His body freezes, and he drifts away from me.
It was hurtful to lose his heat and touch.
But what did I expect? Of course, he wants a house full of kids—the one thing I might not be able to give him.
The sadness written all over his face. “Say something,” I beg.
More silence. I feel guilty for not mentioning it sooner; this could have spared us both this heartache.
I hate reliving this time and time again, which is why dating feels futile.
With Sam, it’s clearly a deal breaker. He wants his own children…most men do. It’s in their DNA to reproduce. And I’m left with the emptiness of the possibility of not carrying my own children. It’s like I’m being punished for the choice I made all those years ago. It feels like I’m damaged goods.
“Where did you go?” he asks, stroking my face.
I have to shake myself out of all the dreadful memories that flood my head. “Jude…” We should end this now before it goes too far. “I don’t know if I can have children.”
He looks at me with his eyes wide and says, “What do you mean you don’t know if you can have children?”
“I was told it was one possibility after the abortion. It’s stuck with me all these years. I might not be able to have my own children. It was a risk of the procedure.” Sadness takes over my body as I close my eyes, begging myself not to cry.
“But you don’t know for sure.” He moves closer to me and wraps his arms tighter around me like a cocoon of comfort. He strokes my hair before leaning in to kiss my lips ever so gently.
No, I don’t know for sure, but if I can’t, then is it a deal breaker for him? Just like Sam walked away from me, he could walk away too. In retrospect, the relationship with Sam was doomed from the start. I couldn’t have given him my whole heart.
“It scares me that it matters to you,” I say, opening up about my deepest concern and worry. Being in his arms gives me the courage to say what’s on my mind.
“I love you, and we’ll figure it out together.”
“How would this work, Jude? You live in Colorado. I can’t have a long-distance relationship,” I admit as my body tenses up, not knowing where this conversation is going.
“I already told you I’m moving, so that is a moot point. I’m all in for you, sweetheart.”
A laugh escapes me. “It’s all moving so fast. You’d uproot your entire life in Colorado to see if things work out?” I scoff at such a preposterous idea.
“I’ve been thinking about it these past couple of years to be closer to my family, especially when Maya was born.”
It’s clear he hasn’t moved for a reason. His niece was born almost two years ago. If that was really the reason, then he would have moved already.
“So then why haven’t you?” I question.
He runs his hand through his hair and sighs loudly. “I’ve gone back and forth about moving home. The reason I haven’t moved back home is…” He looks away from me, turns back and says, “You, it’s really because of you.”
I don’t need a mirror to know the shock is written all over my face. “Me, why me? I don’t understand.”
He strokes his lips on my cheek and kisses me, like he needs a moment to answer. My hand instinctively slides through his silky locks and lands on the back of his head. This man could be my everything. Why do I feel like I’m sabotaging this?
I’m playing it safe. The logistics aren’t falling into place like I think they should.
“I couldn’t handle being back home for good while knowing you would be only miles away.
My heart couldn’t take seeing you at the grocery store or the movie theater with someone else.
Well, that’s what I thought about for years, and I couldn’t put myself through it.
The easy way out was to stay in Colorado and only visit my family every now and then. ”
When I take a second to think about it, it makes sense. It would be torture seeing him around town with another woman on his arm.
“And now you want to move back home for me?”
“I will do anything for you, sweetheart.”
There’s a long stretch of silence—you could hear a pin drop. I say, “I don’t think we’re going to resolve all of this tonight. I’m holding you until it’s time for you to leave. Can you rest your mind and just be with me during these last few hours we have together?”
“I’ll try,” I say as I snuggle into him.