Chapter 9 #3
He looked at her, an incredulous expression on his face.
“I do admire Miss Bennet, but not for a moment has she been the centre of my interest or my attention. I…umm…had hoped…well, that is I have hoped that your ladyship—who is so very perceptive—would have noticed long ago where my admiration lies.”
It was her turn to look at him with wonder and no little concern. “Colonel, I must ask what you mean, as I am certainly not as perceptive as you might believe.”
They were still sitting on the same couch, only a few inches between them. Suddenly, that distance seemed too confining for him; he rose and took a few steps away from her.
“Lady Cassandra, I know this is not the best moment for such a conversation, and I will not insist any further for now. I am more than willing to wait as long as necessary for your answer. However, since the subject has been raised, I cannot go further without asking your permission to…court you…as I do not dare ask for more at the present time.”
Her perfect brows furrowed, and her cheeks turned crimson. She hurried to her feet and stood still in front of him, shaking her head in disapproval.
“Colonel Fitzwilliam, please do not do that to me. I beg you, let us finish our conversation this instant and forget that you asked me that question.”
His countenance darkened, and for a moment, he forgot to breathe.
“Lady Cassandra, I am afraid I do not understand your meaning. Forgive me, but I cannot accept that reply without insisting you tell me why I am to receive such an immediate, sound rejection? Was it not a quarter of an hour since you let me know you have a positive opinion of me?”
“I do, I do, and that is precisely why I ask you not to go further with this…” For a moment she covered her face with her hands and then, trying to regain some composure, moved a step closer.
“Colonel Fitzwilliam, we have been dear friends all my life. I will not deny that I value your friendship, and I esteem you. I also understand that, in your situation, you must marry a woman with a fortune; please believe me, if I had any intention of entering into an arranged marriage, I would accept your offer with gratitude. But such is not the case. I do not intend to marry at all, and surely, I would not accept an arrangement of this kind. You must have known that…” She tried to touch his arm with her hand, but he took a step back. His eyes narrowed as they found hers.
“Indeed, Lady Cassandra, your words do not betray any kind of consideration you might have for me. May I wonder why, with so little patience, your ladyship hurried to presume that my reason was a mercenary one? And why, if your ladyship had such a good opinion of me as you just declared, did you not spend a single moment considering that, perhaps, it was not an arranged marriage I had in mind?”
“Colonel, please, let us speak with calmness—
He was raising his voice and he could not control his anger—no, not anger, but utter disappointment. He had asked some questions, but he could not wait for her answer. Her reply had been eloquent from the first moment.
“No, I believe talk is unnecessary. In fact, I must beg your forgiveness for placing you in such a delicate situation.
Your ladyship was correct; we should put this matter behind us and never mention it again.
Now please excuse me— He turned almost violently and hurried to the door with no further word; no more than a moment passed before she reached him and grabbed his arm with strength and determination.
“Colonel Fitzwilliam, you cannot possibly leave now! Please allow me a few more minutes. We are both very tired and still affected by the meeting with Wickham; obviously this entire situation is a misunderstanding.”
He stopped; her hand seemed to burn his arm through the fabric of his coat. “There is no misunderstanding. Unfortunately, there is nothing to clarify. My feelings are quite clear—at least to me—and if I did not speak sooner, it was because I did not want to interfere—
“But we have known each other for twenty years!
All this time you have treated me with the care due a younger sister.
I have never noticed any other kind of attention— She paused and looked deeply into his eyes for a moment.
“Countless times when I was in your company, I saw you among many charming young ladies; in fact, you were a great favourite of all the young ladies! I am sure I correctly interpreted the difference between your behaviour toward them and toward me.”
His gaze remained fixed on hers, and his countenance changed instantly; yet, he found no answer.
“As for my presumption that your interest is in an advantageous marriage arrangement, not for a moment did I intend to offend you. It was you who mentioned so many times in the past that, as the second son of an earl, you needed to be very careful whom you married. When I said I have no wish to enter into such an arrangement, I did not mean to sound offensive—I only gave you my opinion on a matter that is quite common and sometimes even agreeable to many people.”
She knew her words—at least partially—had the desired effect on him. Comprehension appeared clearly on his face, and it was soon followed by an expression of utter distress. He averted his eyes from her for some time in an attempt to search for the proper words.
“Lady Cassandra—again you are right, and I was wrong, completely wrong. Aside from choosing the most unfortunate moment to declare my feelings, it is true that nothing in my past behaviour could testify to the seriousness of my intentions. I also must beg your forgiveness for my ungentlemanly behaviour these past few minutes; my temper betrayed me.”
She attempted a smile to show her acceptance of the truce, but the smile vanished a moment later when he continued.
“I shall only speak of this as long as is necessary to gain your trust in my affection—and for you to come to regard it not as a brother’s affection!
I shall renew my professions and my addresses only when I am certain you welcome them. ”
“Colonel, please, you misunderstood me, sir! I did not mean to encourage you in this nor did I intend to toy with your feelings. Sir, let me be quite clear: I have no intention of marrying you or anyone else—either now or in the future. I cannot promise that my intentions will ever change, so please do not waste your time with something you will never accomplish.”
His disappointment was so openly displayed that her heart melted; yet she knew there was nothing to do for it.
He moved slowly toward the door, and she was certain she would never see him the same way as before nor would their friendship ever be the same.
After a few steps, he stopped and looked straight into her eyes, his gaze losing its usual joy and easiness.
“Lady Cassandra, may I ask you a highly improper question?”
“Please do, sir.” Her voice was barely audible.
“Is there another gentleman who owns your heart—a gentleman whom you would want to marry but you cannot for some reason? Is that why you are not allowing me any chance at all?”
She paused for a long moment and then averted her eyes as she replied.
“Sir, there is no other gentleman I would wish to marry, nor is my heart engaged in the way you presume. Please allow me the benefit of your kindness and ask me no further questions.” She kept her eyes averted, as she did not trust her emotions well enough to remain calm and look at him again.
“I see…Of course I will not insist further. You must have long desired my absence, so I will go now.” Another pause and he turned to her again. “Lady Cassandra, will you allow me to be in your company again, or would you rather not see me for a while?”
“Sir, I have never wanted your absence. As I said, there are few people in the world whom I value as much as I do you. That will never change.”
“Thank you.” He stepped outside her view and pulled the door behind him.
Later that day, Darcy arrived to take Lady Cassandra to call at Gracechurch Street, and he was shocked to see his dear friend pale, not the smallest smile on her lips and her eyes devoid of expression; it was as if all her blood and liveliness were drained from her.
Neither that day nor in the days that followed could Darcy convince Cassandra to confess to him the reason for her unusual sadness. For the first time in twenty years, she refused to open her heart to him, and all he could do was be near her and watch over her.
He knew it would soon be his turn to help her as she had helped him a few months earlier.
∞∞∞
A month had passed since Elizabeth left Pemberley, yet it seemed like a lifetime.
That day, with the rain mirroring her own tears, Pemberley and her heart had retreated in the distance behind their speeding carriage; she was certain she would not be able to endure the pain that was piercing her soul.
Yet, the moment she had reached the door of her home at Longbourn, she understood there was no room for grief in a family so deranged.
With their father absent and their mother requiring constant attendance, Elizabeth immediately took the greatest share of the burden on herself and occupied every minute of her day with the mundane chores of the house, allowing Jane to soothe Mrs Bennet’s nerves.
She never felt the weariness; in fact, it was helpful to think of nothing and, thus, suppress the pain buried deep in her heart.
Nor did she require food or sleep. In fact, she avoided sleep as sleep meant dreams, and her dreams—all of her dreams—were the same.
No, not the same—of great variety—but all had one person at their centre.