Chapter 16 #5
He hated her with his whole being! She had been—was—cold hearted, selfish and insensible.
How could he not see that earlier? But how could he see that when he was so blind?
Even now, when he closed his eyes, he could feel her warmth in his arms, smell her scent, and taste her flavour; he could hear her sweet moans of unmistakable pleasure.
He had had many women in his bed over the years; he enjoyed ladies’ company, and they enjoyed his. He had always been certain he knew what a woman wanted and needed to take her pleasure. And he always needed little to find his own pleasure in the company of a beautiful woman.
Why had everything been so utterly different this time?
Yes, he loved Cassandra; he had known that for quite some time.
In fact, he had known it almost since her return to town last spring.
From the moment he saw her, he lost interest in other women, even a harmless flirtation.
For months in his mind, there had been nobody but Cassandra, but he dared not admit it until he was certain there was no understanding between her and Darcy.
Then he proposed to her, and she refused him.
Since that day, her presence and image in his mind became even more powerful; she was always with him.
And now…she seemed to have offered herself to him, but she deceived him so grossly.
Why was everything so different with her?
Why did he kiss her more than all the other women in his life together?
He had touched, caressed and known every single part of her body, and her skin had burned and shivered under his touch.
He still remembered the way she embraced him, the way she kissed him, the way her eyes looked at him.
“Oh, what do I care about that?” he yelled to himself, causing his servant to enter and ask if he could be of any help.
The colonel almost threw the man out of the room; he wanted to see nobody.
The only thing he cared about was the answer to his question: How could a man hate and love a woman so completely at the same time?
“BE GONE,” he said harshly when the servant entered his room again half an hour later.
“I beg your forgiveness, sir; there is somebody to see you urgently.”
“Damn and blast! I do not want to see anybody; can you not understand a simple request?”
“The poor man is not at fault. I asked him to let me in.” Cassandra’s voice disturbed the silence, and he jumped from his seat, prepared to throw her out together with the servant, but the moment he saw her face, he frowned and remained still in the middle of the room.
Cassandra’s eyes were swollen and red, and her ghostly pallor made her look illusory.
He did not know what to say or do. It was at that precise moment that he realised his love would never diminish, no matter how much he hated her.
“What is your ladyship doing here? Someone might see you in my room, and you would be utterly compromised.”
His voice did not lose its sharpness, but this time his rudeness pained and affected him more than her. She only smiled bitterly and took a seat without waiting for his invitation.
“David, I know you are very angry with me. Do not worry; I shall leave soon…As soon as Darcy and Elizabeth are married, I shall leave England. They will be a wonderful family together, and Elizabeth will be perfect for both Darcy and Georgiana. They will not need me anymore.”
He made no reply, though he wanted to shout, “I need you.”
“I realise you will probably never want to see me again, and that is the best and wisest thing to do, but I cannot bear the thought of hurting you so deeply, to see you suffering so much without knowing why. I never imagined your feelings were that powerful or that my refusal would affect you so.”
“You did not know? But did I not speak to you of my feelings? Or perhaps you considered me a cad who liked to play at words of love to make an advantageous marriage arrangement?”
“David, please…” Her voice was barely audible. “Let us not argue more, I beg of you. I have no strength left, and I still have to do the most difficult thing I have ever done.”
Her eyes become tearful again, and this time he hated himself. What on earth was happening to him that he behaved like a lunatic and made her cry?
“David, what I shall tell you now is something I have never told anyone. Darcy is aware of every detail as he partially witnessed the events, but I never really talked to him about it. You are the single soul who will share this burden with me, and if you want, you may stop me now before I begin.”
“I will gladly share any burden with you,” he answered before he knew what he was saying.
“No, do not say that! Please do not say that! You do not know what you are saying.”
“Cassandra—
“Please do not interrupt me, or I shall never be able to finish the story. Let me speak before I change my mind.”
David nodded and took a few steps, taking a seat in the nearest chair. She sat on the settee—only a few inches apart, yet the gulf between them seemed immense.
“You know, of course, that I left town four years ago after the scandal with the Markhams. You were not in Town then, so you do not know the kind of rumours that were spread.
They implied Markham wanted to do his honourable duty by marrying me, but I refused him My refusal of such an extraordinary match could only be attributed to the wantonness of my character.
“Of course, not everybody was on Markham’s side—quite the contrary.
The respectable families in Town were well aware of the Markham heir’s reputation.
Lady Fitzwilliam herself was kind and tried to comfort and support me.
However, the damage was especially bad as it fell upon Darcy too—and by association upon Georgiana.
You know that Darcy had the crazy idea we should marry to put the scandal to rest, but I knew that was not possible.
Darcy deserved a true marriage to give him a chance of happiness and an heir for Pemberley.
So I left London…I left England, with only the company of Mrs Simmons, my companion. ”
“I never knew how bad things became. Mother sent me a few words, but—
“Oh, do not distress yourself; there is nothing you could have done. When I left, my plans were to visit Italy and who knows what else. My only thought was to put as much distance between England and me as possible. Of course, Darcy knew every detail of my plans, step by step, or else he would not have allowed me to leave.”
She smiled bitterly, a small, barely visible smile. He only nodded silently.
“On my first night aboard ship, I walked out on the bridge-deck and stayed there for more than an hour, watching the water and sky. I loved the sea the first moment I saw it. A little after midnight, a gentleman approached me—a man with the most serene blue eyes I have ever seen. He said I should have dressed in warmer clothes if I wanted to spend the night outside. Then he offered me his coat, and I could never explain how we came to spend the night talking. It had never happened to me before; by dawn we knew everything about each other. Thomas—his name was Thomas—was a doctor in His Majesty’s army.
He had retired because he had been wounded in the chest, and he was travelling to Italy to visit relatives.
His father had been in trade, but his parents had passed away when he was very young.
He was an orphan with not much family left—as was I. ”
She stopped and looked at David; his countenance had darkened, and his face was paler than before. “I am sorry if I hurt you, but you must know the entire truth. I fell in love with that man with all my heart. Thomas taught me the meaning of utter felicity; in three days we were married.”
The shock on David’s face made Cassandra stop again, but he did not ask for further details.
“We spent the next three months visiting Italy, and each moment we spent together made me feel we were perfect for each other. After two months, I discovered I was with child. How could happiness be more perfect, more complete?” Her voice trembled and she went to pour a glass of water.
David helped her, but her fingers could not hold the glass; she took a small gulp from the glass in his hand.
“We were in Rome and used to take long strolls through the town before retiring for the night.
We both loved walking and riding, but he could not ride for the time being.
One evening, during our walk, there was a noisy group behind us.
At some point, they passed near us; they were a large gathering, including ladies and gentlemen.
With no little annoyance, I recognised the elder Markham son among them.
They all seemed euphoric, and Markham looked at my husband and me and then bowed politely.
But I did not miss the impertinent smile on his face.
“He said, ‘Lady Cassandra, what an unexpected, wonderful surprise to meet you here!’
“I should have ignored him and turned the other way.
Instead, selfish, impudent, and inconsiderate for nothing but my wounded pride, I answered, ‘Unexpected, but by no means wonderful, Lord Markham.’ ‘Oh, your words wound me,’ he answered.
‘I have longed to see you, and my wishes have come true. You must admit we are meant to be together.’