Chapter 21 #3
“Are you upset with me, too, Elizabeth? I thought you might not come to visit me again, after...” Cassandra’s voice sounded weak and hesitant, as if dreading the answer.
“I am not upset; I am only concerned for you. How could you think I would not come to see you?”
“I wonder what you must think of me…of my scandalous behaviour. I dare not ask how your opinion of me has changed.”
“Cassandra, my opinion has changed but not in the way you think.”
Elizabeth set near her and held her hand.
“I have come to like you more with every day spent in your company, which is why I understood Georgiana’s anger when you said you would have rather died.
That was cruel, unfair and so untrue! But I also understood your pain.
I did not forget that, less than a fortnight ago on a horrible night, I said the same thing, and you were there to comfort me. ”
“I know I have been unfair. I hurt Georgiana so much! And David…it is true that he proposed to me and I refused him and then…it was not his fault, but mine! It was I who invited him to my bedchamber! But you must believe me, Elizabeth. I am not a wanton woman; I am not in the habit of—
“Cassandra, please stop! There is no need to distress yourself or explain anything to me—
“But I want to explain it to you! I do want you to understand, and then I beg you to help Georgiana to understand, too. I would never dare speak to her directly about such a scandalous subject; I simply cannot. Will you allow me to burden you with a dreadful story, a story I kept the deepest secret for more than four years? I know I am horribly selfish in exposing you to such a confession, but I cannot bear it alone any longer. I need a friend to help me carry it, to understand my fears and my nightmares. Because Georgiana was correct: I am so frightened, Elizabeth—so very frightened!”
Elizabeth forgot to breathe at such an extraordinary outburst.
“Cassandra, I will listen to anything you want to share with me. Just let me know in what way I can possibly help you, and I will not hesitate to do it.”
An hour passed with only the sound of Cassandra’s quiet voice, weary and drained of emotion, as her eyes, weak from tears, stared persistently at Elizabeth.
When she completed her story, Elizabeth had to remember to breathe again.
She looked at Cassandra with wide eyes, afraid to believe what she had just heard and helpless in the face of her friend’s grief.
“I do not know what to say,” she whispered, after a long silence.
“I do not need an answer—only understanding,” Cassandra replied. “I hope you understand why I have not the courage to allow myself to suffer again.”
“Is William familiar with this story?”
“Yes. He and Mrs Spencer are the only ones who met my husband and participated in the tragic events that followed.”
“And the colonel?”
“I told David the day after…you know. I invited him to my room—did I tell you that? I behaved so scandalously, so selfishly! I had already refused him a month ago in London and then, when I felt lonely and frightened, I asked him to keep me company. Afterwards, he insisted we should marry, and I persisted in refusing him, so he became angry. He seemed so affected, so hurt…and I could not bear for him to believe I was only toying with him, that I was a shameless woman…so I told him.”
Elizabeth began pacing the room; she walked to the window, returned to Cassandra’s bed, and then stopped to stare through the window again. Finally, she resumed her place.
“Cassandra, I would not presume to advise you in any way—I do not consider myself wise enough to do so. I just…your story is astonishing—you are astonishing for enduring so much grief, so much pain all these years and still remaining such a spirited, lively woman.”
Cassandra laughed nervously. “Yes, it is a wonder I did not lose my sanity.”
“Cassandra, mock your pain if you like, but I am sure you understand my meaning. Will you allow me to speak openly—to dare ask you a question?”
“Yes, by all means. Please ask me anything; there is nothing I would conceal from you. I truly do not have other secrets, which is quite fortunate, is it not?”
Cassandra continued to speak in jest about herself, but Elizabeth did not join her.
“I understand now why you were so affected by the duel, and why you were so angry with William and the colonel. In truth, I am growing angrier myself! But you seemed to be confident in the colonel’s affection, and your words betrayed your own feelings for him.
From what you have said, he cannot be blamed for what happened in the past. So why would you reject him? ”
“Why reject him? But Elizabeth, I thought you understood! How can you ask such a question?”
Cassandra seemed shocked and incredulous that Elizabeth was unable to see her reasoning, yet Elizabeth, who managed to regain some of her usual spirit, did not allow herself to be intimidated.
“Yes, why? I beg your forgiveness if I upset you, but I see no motive. I imagine the memory of your husband is vivid, but he is not here and will never be again. It is not as if you were betraying him.”
Cassandra startled and paled but did not reply.
Elizabeth gently took Cassandra’s hand and caressed her hair as she often did with her little cousins. “Cassandra, I would not dare pretend to understand your pain and despair in losing the man you loved. But I sense that you are not afraid of suffering; it is being happy again that frightens you.”
Elizabeth’s dark eyes sparkling with determination and affectionate support met Cassandra’s green ones: fearful, empty and almost lifeless. Then, a whisper broke the silence of the chamber.
“Elizabeth, I do not even know if what I feel for David is real affection. He is so different from Thomas, and what I feel for David is so different from what I felt for Thomas.”
“Cassandra, I am no expert in this. I have never fancied myself in love with any other man except William, but I imagine it is not possible to experience the same kind of affection for two different people. I mean, even with my own sisters…I do love all of them, I care for them deeply but in different ways. And look at Jane and myself; I am certain she loves Mr Bingley very much, but she behaves so differently from me. Of course, she is more proper!”
Cassandra laughed—a small, tearful laugh—and Elizabeth joined her.
“Yes, I suppose you are correct.”
“Then what is it? Do you doubt the nature of the colonel’s interest in you or yours for him? Do you think you might only be interested in…each other’s temporary company?” Elizabeth asked daringly, mortified that she had the courage to address such a question.
Cassandra was obviously surprised and slightly embarrassed, but she did not avoid the question.
“Elizabeth Bennet, you are a bright young woman, despite your lack of experience,” she replied, attempting a teasing smile. “I confess I did suspect that of David—at least in the beginning as I knew his disposition for flirting. I also accused him of a mercenary interest when I refused him.”
“I watched the colonel for almost a week, nursing you and suffering for you, and though I am still very angry with him for his involvement in the duel, I can testify to the depth of his affection for you.”
“Oh, I do believe you, Elizabeth. I no longer doubt his feelings—
“But what about your feelings—your interest in David? I might upset you again, but I saw you with him while you were unconscious, and I can testify to your feelings as well.”
“I. . . Except for my husband, I never. . . It was only David who. . . I will not deny I enjoy his presence, his closeness, and I am sure you understand my meaning. But how could I marry him when we argue all the time? I am glad to see him, and I confess I did miss him when he was away. And I do think of him often, but I also disagree with him in so many ways! And he is so stubborn, so inconsiderate sometimes—as happened when he supported Darcy’s decision about the duel!
How could I marry such a man? We would both be miserable.
He deserves a more docile woman, a woman without a past like mine, a woman who will never compare him to another man. Do you not agree?”
Elizabeth smiled and squeezed Cassandra’s hand. “In this I do have some advice as I have vast experience in fighting the man I love and will shortly marry! In truth, I am in the position of marrying the last man in the world I thought I would ever marry! Can you believe that?”
They laughed again, a liberating laugh that seemed to bring them back to life.
“Cassandra, as for what kind of woman the colonel deserves—well, you already said you two argue all the time, so you would likely argue in this, too. He seems to be convinced you are the woman he desires. Fortunately, there is time to give everything proper consideration. We may speak of this again soon when your health is completely restored. You have had enough torment for the first day of your recovery and must not distress yourself further, nor must you make a decision this moment. I doubt the colonel will return tomorrow morning with a renewal of his proposal.”
“I doubt he will ever renew his proposal, especial after my outburst earlier this morning.”
“Oh, I said that, too, a few months ago and was proved utterly wrong.” Elizabeth smiled.
“Things were different with you and Darcy.”
“Indeed they were, and I admit your situation is more difficult. However, as long as there is a chance of happiness, I am certain you will not let it vanish forever.”
“But, Elizabeth…am I allowed to think of happiness when Thomas and our child are dead?”
Suddenly, Elizabeth felt her hand trembling. How could she answer such a question?
“Cassandra, I think…I think you should cherish the memory of your husband and child forever, but since God offered you the gift of love a second time, I believe you are not allowed to waste it.”
∞∞∞