Chapter 25 #5
Six weeks had passed since he departed—since he rocked her heart once more with the confession about his first love.
How was it possible? She was the one hopelessly in love with him back then when she was seventeen—she had lived with that bittersweet memory for all those years.
The revelation that her love could have been shared—that her life could have been so different—made her feel angry and powerless.
Cassandra spent countless hours wondering whether she would have wanted her life to be different; perhaps she would have been happy with David from the beginning, and perhaps even her parents would have lived longer.
But then she never would have met Thomas or known his sweet love—never felt their child inside her.
She had lost her parents; she had lost Thomas and their child; and she had been angry with the entire world and with God Himself.
Still, God was so good to her when He offered her a second chance.
God kept her alive, healed her, and then brought David back into her life—David and his love.
She refused him, and from her own folly, she almost died; God was still there, next to her, as were David and his love.
One morning—about a week before their journey to Pemberley —Cassandra finally realised she had no reason to blame herself any longer for what she had lost if God was so merciful as to forgive her.
She had no call to fear being happy if He was offering her the gift of happiness for the second time.
She had no right to refuse what was so generously given to her twice when so many spent their lives looking for love and never finding it.
She woke up that morning without the burden of suffering on her soul but with her heart full of hope and love—and gratitude.
Now David was there and Christmas was near.
Where were her hopes now? He came with his friends and two young girls who competed for his favour.
Had he already chosen, or were they merely distractions as were all the others?
However, he surely would not trifle with them in front of their brother without having serious designs on one of them.
How dare he be so cruel as to arrive with them?
Was he trying to hurt her as she had hurt him?
The snow was falling on her face, melting in her tears. She leaned over the balcony to admire the surroundings, and then lifted her eyes to the moonlit sky. It was as enchanting as a fairy tale, but her soul lay in waste.
“Cassandra, what on earth are you doing? Are you out of your mind? Get inside immediately!”
She startled and almost lost her balance as her feet slipped on the snowy balcony. David grasped her arm and pulled her inside; his strong fingers hurt her, but she said nothing.
“Are you out of your senses?” he cried while she stared at him blankly.
“I am perfectly well; I just needed some fresh air.”
“Fresh air? You are almost undressed outside on a freezing night.”
He released her arm and watched as she moved away from him.
“I thank you for your worry, David, but as you see, I am fine. You should leave now.”
“Yes, I should leave; forgive me for my intrusion.”
“Be careful not to be seen on your way out. We would not want to upset the Thomasons with nasty rumours about your walking into a lady’s room in the middle of the night, though both girls seem so charmed that I am sure they would forgive you anything.”
“What—what did you say?” he asked unceremoniously, but she had turned her back and moved further away. She wanted him gone instantly, as she could not hold back her tears much longer.
“Cassandra, what is happening to you? Why are you acting like this?”
“Please leave,” she begged, and he could hear her distress.
If only a moment ago he had been certain of her indifference, now her voice and behaviour puzzled him exceedingly. She was obviously crying and suffering. That could not be indifference. Even more, she talked such nonsense about —
David looked at her in complete shock, his mouth and eyes open wide in understanding.
In two steps, he reached her and clutched her to him almost brutally; she did not resist, only her eyes remained lowered to the ground.
“God, Cassandra! Are you jealous? Is that it? Are you jealous? Please tell me that is the reason—please,” he begged her, as his hands caressed her hair and a broad smile spread over his face.
“You have no shame, sir,” she replied furiously as she wiped her tears, her eyes like daggers of wounded rage cast at him.
“You have no shame and no honour to come here with your friends and then question my behaviour. How dare you speak of jealousy? I am asking you to leave this moment; you have no right to be in my chamber.”
Each of her angry words was a sweet balm for his previous distress. By the time she finished her tirade, he took her hands by force and kissed them tenderly, as she struggled to be free of his hold.
“I missed you so much.” He spoke with such tenderness that she stilled.
“I was so afraid of losing you, yet so hopeful when I left you; these weeks have been a torture for me. I counted the hours and the minutes until I would see you again. I was close to resigning from the army if they would not allow me to come.”
Cassandra could not speak—could not move or breathe; even her heart was afraid to beat again, frightened that it was only a dream and any movement might awaken her.
“Do you know how hurt I felt when you ignored me all evening? I hoped you would come and greet me, smile at me, perhaps whisper your answer to me, and release my torment as soon as possible. Instead, I received only cold indifference—
“Cold indifference? I almost cried when you entered the room, and then what did you do? Nothing! How could I whisper anything to you when those girls were almost in your lap?!”
He burst out laughing, and she turned her back to him again, trying to dry her cheeks. David encircled her with his arms, crushed her back against his chest, and then tilted her head so he could wipe away her tears with his lips.
“You were jealous of the young Thomason girls,” he teased her, and she fought to break free from his arms. “You were jealous of two girls Georgiana’s age,” he continued as his lips covered her face with soft kisses.
“David, please stop. We have to talk seriously,” she whispered, though her resistance became weaker.
“As you like,” he continued between kisses. “Any wish of yours is my command, your ladyship,” he said and, indeed, he stopped his caresses and turned her to him. She finally met his eyes.
“David, I do not find much amusement in this; I admit I was jealous. My turmoil all these weeks was no less than yours. And then when you arrived this evening, I was certain I had lost your interest in hearing my answer. Do you still want to hear my answer, David?”
“Not really,” he teased her, and she frowned. “My beautiful Cassandra, I do not need words to confirm what your tears already tell me,” he added tenderly as he softly kissed her lips. She tentatively responded to his kisses, trying to say something more, but he captured her lips gently.
“Why did you come to my room?” she asked, her lips only a few inches from his.
“I saw you on the balcony, and I was afraid for you.”
“I was just thinking of you.”
“And I of you as I was outside on my own balcony.”
“I cannot believe everything has changed in only a few minutes, David.”
“I cannot believe I was so stupid to waste all those minutes doubting you.” He continued to kiss her with growing passion and suddenly lifted her in his arms, their lips still joined, as she cried and put her arms around his neck.
After closing the window, he carried Cassandra to the bed, where they both reclined.
Only then did she withdraw her lips from his to whisper, “David, I still have so many things to tell you.”
He briefly frowned. “There is only one thing I want to hear this moment, Cassandra. Will you allow me in your life—now and tomorrow and for a lifetime?”
“I will…I do,” she said, as her fingers gently touched his face.
“Then anything else can wait.” As she closed her eyes to receive his kisses, he rose from the bed.
“Are you leaving?” she inquired with surprise and no little concern.
He laughed, removed his clothes and threw himself next to her; she began to laugh, but he quickly captured her lips with unleashed urgency.
“Do you think I intend to leave?” he asked as his hands possessively removed her gown.
“Not anymore,” she replied breathlessly.
“You know, madam, I am quite concerned about your lack of trust in me. First, you believed me capable of courting other women in your presence, and then you thought I would leave you with only a kiss. But we will talk about that later…while we rest…because we will have to rest from time to time, you know.”
She laughed, but it turned into a deep moan as his body joined hers. He remained still inside her, and his eyes fixed on hers for a moment; she pulled his head closer and kissed him softly as he began to move.
“God, Cassandra, you cannot imagine how long I have waited for this moment.”
“I can imagine, but I would like you to tell me nevertheless.” She smiled against his lips.
“Or perhaps I should prove it to you?”
“That would be even better.”
David paused once more and kissed her eyes to open them; with delight and utter happiness, he saw her green eyes glowing as never before while her hands tentatively caressed his back.
“Cassandra, did you miss me all this time?”
“You know I missed you, David. Do you want me to say it again?”
“No—I want you to show me. I want you to make me feel that you missed me.”
“That would be even better,” she agreed, smiling with passion.
They needed quite a long time to express everything they felt, to dissipate doubt and misunderstanding, and to satisfy their long-denied desire. In the end, however, their understanding was complete.
∞∞∞