Chapter 27 #2
“Forgive me, Elizabeth, you have done nothing. I should not have mentioned it. It is just that…things are changing. That is what displeases me, and I do not know what to do to avoid that.”
“What is changing?”
“You are changing!”
“And pray tell me, what is this change that bothers you so much? Have I neglected some of my duties or—
“You have neglected nothing, my dear; in truth, you have succeeded wonderfully in everything you have done, Elizabeth, and your efforts are indeed praiseworthy. My tenants and their families cherish you, my aunt and uncle have come to love you, and the servants adore you. As for Georgiana, Cassandra or your own family, there is no need to mention them. Yes, everyone around you seems to benefit from your generous efforts. Everyone seems to have a fair share of your attention—everyone but me.”
“Everyone but you?” She startled and frowned, looking at him in disbelief.
“Or better said, I have become only one of your many duties, and that is not enough for me. You have time for everyone and everything, though until a few months ago you could not stay away more than a few hours without coming to see me, do you remember that? I did notice it snowed earlier. That is why I interrupted my meeting and hurried home to take you on a walk through the first snow in the Park. And you were out—visiting your sister.”
“William…”
“I know I am being selfish, but that is how I am. I am afraid it will never change. I do understand your care for your sister—and for my sister, and for our friends, and for the others around us—but truly, it is enough for me to know they are all well. I have no wish to speak of other’s troubles any longer, and I have become tired of company after the last months we spent in Town.
I miss being alone with you. I miss your smiles directed only at me.
I miss your teasing. I miss your sparkling eyes staring at me in front of the fireplace.
I miss feeling you abandon yourself in my arms when we are alone.
I miss seeing you blush and shiver when I touch you.
I know it is not your fault, but — Is my presence no longer enough for you?
What can I do to become as important to you as I once was?
I know we have our son now; we are not only the two of us, but… ”
Elizabeth watched him as she struggled to understand his words.
From only a few inches away, the distress was so obvious on his face that she could not resist the urge to lean toward him and kiss his cheek.
He did not turn to her but kept staring at a point in front of him, and Elizabeth could not decide whether she should be upset or amused by his stubbornness.
She took off her glove and caressed his face.
“Dearest husband, how can you say that? How can you not know that my love is deeper and stronger than ever?
I do love you and treasure you with all my heart, and no day passes without my thanking God for allowing me to be your wife.
I miss being with you, too—I miss it so much!
Today when I saw it was snowing, my first thought was of you—wondering whether you were in front of a window to see it—but I did not dare consider you would interrupt your business for this.
Now that I know of the responsibilities that burden your shoulders and the people who rely on you, my small wishes and caprices seem so unimportant.
“Elizabeth, nothing is more important to me than your wishes. You should know that —”
She shook her head in disapproval.
“There are many other things more important than my wishes. Day by day, I understand how fortunate I have been, and I must do everything in my power to pay back my good fortune in some way. I have a marriage full of love and affection—the most wonderful, handsome and prosperous husband. I have a beautiful, healthy child. Even the birth of our son was easier for me than for other women. I have everything, and so many others have so little! I cannot allow myself to act only according to my own desires—if so, I would do nothing but abandon myself to your arms.” She paused a moment, watching him carefully, and then laughed softly.
“Well, perhaps I would evade your arms from time to time, only to check upon our son and to nurse him; I hope that would not bother you too much.”
“Do not laugh at me, Elizabeth. I do understand that our son is more important to you than I am; that is how it should be.” He sounded offended but Elizabeth replied gently while her fingers stroked his jaw line.
“I must laugh at you, dear husband, or else I would have to become very angry with you. How can you even ask whether your presence is enough for me? How can you not feel my love? I would like nothing more than to be alone with you—day-by-day and night-by-night as we were before—but with everything that has happened these last few months, that could not be. Indeed, we have had little privacy since we left Pemberley—but understandably so. There were so many things to do, so many others needing me and so many others needing you. And there were all the engagements we had to keep—though I confess some of them were as tiresome for me as they were for you. I am not complaining; I know how important my status is as your wife and as the mother of your heir. As Lady Fitzwilliam rightfully said—I cannot and I would not neglect complying with my duties, especially considering we have to prepare for Georgiana’s coming out ball next year. And—
He unexpectedly silenced her when his mouth captured her lips; she released a small cry of surprise and had no time to breathe under his possessive attack.
His lips withdrew from hers only an inch so he could whisper, “I could not care less about all those things—so be so kind as to stop talking about social nonsense.”
“Well, I can hardly speak of anything right now,” she laughed and a moment later was silenced once more.
It was fortunate for Darcy’s good name that the carriage stopped in front of their house a couple of minutes later—before any permanent damage was done to their clothes and appearance.
When they entered the main door, Mrs Darcy was still quite flushed, and the maid who helped take off her coat wondered whether the mistress was not—heaven forbid—a little feverish.
“It is time to nurse our son. I shall see you later.” Elizabeth smiled as they climbed the stairs.
“Very well.” He entered his room as he heard her loving voice asking the maid about little William.
Darcy remained there, staring at the door closed behind her, unable to move—or to think properly. What had just happened? How had she managed to dissipate all his worries and put an end to his torment in only a few minutes? Had he only been a fool all these months? Most likely so!
He threw himself into a chair and poured a glass of wine.
Had he upset her with his unreasonable reproaches?
It was true that she did not seem upset at the moment—but she was so right in her response!
She had done everything she could to honour him and his name, and what was her reward: his careless words of reproach for not giving him enough of her time?
Truly, does she have any time at all? With every moment of recollection, his heart raced increasingly until he became full of rage against himself.
The servant announced dinner was ready, and Darcy harshly dismissed him.
After a lengthy period of agitated pacing around the room and muttering to himself, he finally regained some of his composure.
Only then did he notice the hour and the servant waiting in silence in the doorway to help him prepare for dinner—and he finally decided what to do.
∞∞∞
Elizabeth sank into the bathtub, lost in her thoughts.
She was tired, and her heart ached. They had argued—their first argument since they married—and though they had reached a truce quite soon, she could still taste the bitterness of it.
The more she recollected their discussion, the more she agreed that he was right; she did not give him the proper consideration a husband like him deserved; she could easily see that.
Certainly, they did spend much time together, but it was true they were rarely alone.
Even when they retired to their rooms, she was usually so tired that she fell asleep almost immediately, and though they began to share intimacies again about two months after their son was born, their lovemaking was somehow different—she could not deny that.
She had become more restrained and a little uncomfortable, and truly, she felt she had lost the courage to do some of the things she used to do before.
She had wondered many times whether it was proper—now that she was a mother—to behave as she did when she was a newly wedded wife, and her puzzlement increased as Darcy seemed more restrained too—less demanding and less insistent in his attentions toward her.
Instead of trying to keep her roused, or awaking her when she fell asleep before he came to bed—as he did in the first months of their marriage—he now appeared more preoccupied in allowing her to rest. She feared that was a sign of his decreasing passion and desire for her—as happened to many men after they had an heir—but after his earlier outburst in the carriage, that seemed unlikely.
She laughed as she felt tears in her eyes, remembering his expression when he complained about her giving too much of her time to others. It was a little strange coming from someone who was always so generous to everyone within his sphere of influence.
“Please come and help me out of the bath,” Elizabeth called to the maid. She had to prepare for dinner and look for him—immediately.
She startled when she saw the shadow of her husband along the wall.
“Did I frighten you?” he asked gently as he came closer. She instinctively crossed her arms over her chest.
“You did not frighten me. Well, yes you did a little, as I did not expect to see you.” She smiled.