Chapter 8 #4
“What’s going on, baby girl?” His voice came through warm and familiar. She didn’t realize how much she’d missed him until now.
“Nothing much. What are you up to?” she asked, pulling out of the lot.
“At the house chilling. Trying to convince Melissa to go to the movies later on.”
Cyren smiled, knowing her aunt’s voice was about to be heard next.
“Hey, niecey pooh,” Melissa said.
“Hey, Auntie. Is he working your nerves?”
“Like always. Talking about some action movie when he knows I’m a romance flick type of girl,” Melissa said.
“We gon’ go see one, and sneak into the other. You know how this goes,” Tony explained, making Cyren laugh.
“That sounds like compromising to me. Isn’t that what marriage is about?” Cyren teased.
“Oh, girl, please.” Melissa cackled, waving her hand even though she couldn’t see her. “His movie shows first, and his behind is going to be snoring once we get to mine. Nope. He ain’t fooling me.”
The trio laughed, knowing Tony would fall asleep anywhere.
“See, Unc... I was trying to help, but you ain’t right.”
“I’m an old head now, Cy. I can’t hang like I used to,” Tony defended.
She didn’t think people in their early fifties were old-heads, more like the sixties, but she must’ve gotten the definition wrong. Two things could be true at once, though.
“I bet,” Cyren commented, flying through a yellow light before it could turn.
“What you got going on over there? Any big plans this weekend?” Tony asked.
She wished. “No. No big plans. I just came from volunteering at this food pantry.”
“That’s what’s up, baby. I know you enjoyed that.”
Cyren smiled. “I really did. I’ve been going for a few weeks now. Just on the weekends, but I think I want to do more.”
“More like what? Talk to me. I can hear your mind racing from over here,” Tony urged.
This was why she loved him. Cyren could yap all day about how she was feeling without feeling like she’d be judged. Her thoughts briefly shifted to Heavy and how she’d felt the same way whenever they talked.
“I was having a conversation with the owner, Mama Dot. She’s such a sweet older lady. She was telling me how she started the pantry and why. I don’t know... it just got me thinking about what my why is. What is it that I’m really supposed to be doing?”
“The conversation has you questioning your why in what?” Tony asked, wanting her to explain.
Not for himself, but for her own understanding. She needed to talk her thoughts out to someone so she could begin to make sense of them all. Sometimes, words spoken aloud were safer than in your head.
“In everything,” she said, honestly. “Life. Myself. What I’m doing… what I’m not doing.”
“Those are good things to reflect on, but is it out of comparison? What someone else’s life looks like will never look like yours and vice versa.”
Cyren sighed. “I know that. I wouldn’t ever want anyone to have the life I’m living, but I’m not complaining about it. I’m just...”
“You’re giving yourself grace to figure it all out. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Tony said.
“I know. But when does my grief stop being an excuse for giving myself grace, and simply just have gratitude?”
Tony was taken aback at her words. She’d strung them together as if she hadn’t even thought about them. Rarely did she leave him speechless, but she had just now.
“That’s another question you have to sit and ask yourself. It’s okay for them all to co-exist.”
“Yes, I know. I mean, I’m grateful for life, you know. I truly am. But every day I think about my mom and how she’s not here, and then the grief just swallows me whole. I literally can’t get out of bed some days. That’s how crippling it is. It’s a never-ending battle.”
Tony’s chest ached, wishing he could hug her. “It is, but so is life. You gotta decide how long you sit in that grief. It’s not just going to go away, but you can learn to navigate it. Have a bit more control on those days where you feel it winning.”
Cyren licked her lips and flicked on her right blinker. “Today was one of those days. I really didn’t want to get up, but then Mama Dot called and asked if I was still coming. So, I showed up.”
“And showing up, no matter how it may look, is all that counts. You keep showing up for you, the way you do for others, doing whatever feels best to get you through those moments, and keep going. I know me saying it isn’t as easy as it sounds, but just know you can do it.”
She knew she could, too, but goodness, was it hard. “You’re right. That’s all I can do. I just have to remember that.”
“Yep. That’s all. And if you need a reminder, I’m always here.”
Cyren smiled. “Thank you.”
“You know it’s nothing. How’s staying with Nia going?” Tony asked.
While she wanted to lie and tell him everything was fine, Cyren had grown out of telling people what they wanted to hear just so no one was uncomfortable. Including her.
“It’s fine. I mean, I do feel lonelier here than I did at school,” she admitted after a moment. “And that doesn’t make sense to me. I’m around family, but… I still feel like I’m by myself.”
“That’s not uncommon,” Tony said, gently. “Being around people doesn’t always mean you feel connected to them.”
Cyren nodded to herself, even though he couldn’t see her. “Yeah. And I think that’s what it is. I just… I don’t feel connected to anything right now.”
“Not even your job?”
She let out a breath that almost sounded like a laugh. “Working at the credit union is something to do to pass the time. It’s not me.”
“What is you, then?” Tony asked, not missing a beat. “Tell me one thing that you’re passionate about.”
Cyren’s grip on the steering wheel tightened.
“I don’t know anymore,” she said, and her voice cracked. The reality of the truth was a hard pill to swallow.
Tony took a deep breath, keeping his emotions intact. It didn’t help that Melissa began to rub his back. She was listening since he had her on speaker.
“And that’s okay. “You’re not the same person you were before everything happened. So your answers aren’t gonna be the same either. You don’t have to know everything and have it all figured out. When it all comes to you, watch how aligned and in tune you’ll be,” Tony encouraged.
Cyren’s chest hiccupped as she sniveled. Those damn tears just wouldn’t stay away.
“I’m glad you can see it,” she chuckled, sadly. “Even the thought of going back to get my MBA is daunting.”
She’d dropped out of the master’s program when Nicole passed and hadn’t thought twice about going back to finish it. She didn’t care about class, assignments, goals, or anything. Everything felt pointless, and she was just existing.
“Do you want to go back to school?” he asked.
“At some point, sure. I just feel stuck right now,” she admitted, her vision slightly blurring as she focused on the road.
Thankfully, she was almost home and could park.
“I feel like I wasted two years on... hell, being lost, and now I’m trying to pick up the pieces with not a clue of what I’m trying to build. ”
“But you picked them up. That’s more than what you would’ve done a few years ago, right?”
“Yes,” she quietly said, knowing what he meant.
“Exactly. You weren’t wasting two years, Cy. I know it seems like they floated by, but you grew stronger in those days, even if you can’t see your strength. You don’t have to start over with your MBA. Let’s focus on a small goal,” Tony suggested.
Cyren could handle small. It was a safe zone. Growing in her grief was uncomfortable as hell. It was confusing, too. It felt like she was starting over when, at one point in life, she thought she was well ahead on her way somewhere.
“Maybe I just need a vacation,” Cyren voiced.
Tony chuckled on the other end. “You might need more than that, but I ain’t against it.”
Cyren smiled, faintly, pulling into her aunt’s driveway and putting the car in park. Surprisingly, Skylar was home. She didn’t rush to get out, enjoying their conversation without prying ears.
“I’m serious, though,” Tony continued. “You ever thought about coming out here for a little while? Texas might be good for you. Change of scenery, different pace. You wouldn’t be by yourself either. You’d have me and Melissa. Whit only lives about twenty minutes from us.”
Cyren’s brows slightly lifted. “You’ve been trying to get me to move out there since I graduated.”
“And I’m still trying,” he replied, easily. “I got space, you know that. And you and Whit always got along. She just asked about you the other day.”
Cyren smiled a little more at that. Whitnee felt more like a sister than a cousin growing up. They were close in age and were thick as thieves back then, but life had pulled them in different directions.
“I don’t know, Unc,” she said. Her tone was thoughtful instead of dismissive. “That’s a big move.”
“So was leaving home for school,” he countered. “You handled that just fine.”
“That was different,” she murmured.
“Everything new is different. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying.”
Cyren leaned her head back against the seat, staring up through the sunroof. The idea didn’t scare her as much as she thought it would. It just felt like a lot.
“I’ll think about it,” she said after a moment.
“That’s all I’m asking,” he replied. “In the meantime, I’m gonna send you some job applications out here. Nothing too crazy. Just some positions I think you’d be interested in. You don’t have to commit to anything yet.”
Cyren slowly nodded. “Okay.”
“Don’t overthink it either,” he added. “Just look at them when you get a chance.”
“I will.”
“And Cy?”
“Yes?”
“I’m proud of you,” he said, needing to let her know that.
Her chest tightened, and she swallowed, blinking past the sudden burn in her eyes. She needed to hear those words. “Thank you.”
“Ain’t no need to thank me. That’s what I’m here for.”
She smiled, softly. “I know.”
“I’ma let you get in the house. Call me later if you need anything.”
“Okay. I will.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
The call ended, and Cyren sat there for a second. Moving to another state hadn’t been on her mind at all, but she wasn’t completely against it. She wasn’t tied to anything or anyone, so she had free rein to go as she pleased.
“I have some things to think about,” she mumbled, before turning off her car and getting out. Luckily, her mind wasn’t as clouded as it had been before. It was a bit clearer, giving her room to map out her options in peace.