Chapter 13 #3
“We would’ve gotten put out of the hotel.” Cyren laughed as she headed to her car.
“It would’ve been worth it.”
She turned up the heat after starting her engine and sank into her seat.
They stared at one another with so many unspoken words passing between them.
Cyren felt like she was in too deep, but there was no turning back with her decision or her feelings.
She’d handle everything when it came, but right now.
.. she just wanted to be and not ruin anything further.
“Why we ain’t made things official, Pooh?” Heavy asked out of the blue.
Well, there went not ruining anything. This is my chance. I could just tell him now, she reasoned but went against her raging thoughts. She kept it honest with him, though.
“Truthfully?” she asked.
His head bobbed. “Yeah. Talk to me.”
Cyren sighed, spilling what she’d been feeling since the beginning. “I’m scared. Not of you,” she clarified, seeing his brows furrow. “I’m scared of what’ll happen to you once I give you my heart.”
“What’ll happen to me? Shit, I’ma take care of it like I’m supposed to.”
Cyren wanted to cry. Her heart stuttered in her chest as she collected words that would make sense to them both.
“I know you would, but if I lose you like I’ve lost so many other people in my life, what would’ve been the point of handing my heart over? I would’ve been better off keeping it tucked, hidden away from this scandalous world. It’s too fragile.”
Her words rocked a piece of Heavy’s soul he didn’t know she could reach.
She was saying a lot without stating the issue.
He was in the streets, just like her cousin.
It didn’t matter that he was trying to get on the straight and narrow.
If they took Dre, who’s to say they wouldn’t take him?
Cyren couldn’t handle that. She didn’t want to celebrate another birthday for someone she loved who was no longer here to wipe her tears.
As unfair as it sounded, her heart was literally on the line.
“You didn’t even give me a chance to show you I can take care of it,” Heavy said, feeling that weirdness in his chest arise. It was damn near suffocating him.
Cyren shook her head, rubbing her temples. “Are you done doing whatever it is you do?”
Heavy normally gave her answers right away.
When he didn’t, only sighing as his response, Cyren blinked away the moisture gathering in her lids.
This was why she didn’t want to get her feelings involved, but she damn sure hadn’t done anything to prevent them from developing.
Neither did Heavy. He wasn’t all to blame, though, and Cyren refused to make him the victim of feelings she couldn’t fully control.
They both played their roles and enjoyed the show, but neither wanted the curtains to close.
“It’s nothing against you,” Cyren explained. “I’m the reason we haven’t made things official. Whether we’re in a relationship or not, your life is still your life, and mine is mine.”
He respected her answer and respected her more for telling the truth, but it didn’t mean he had to settle for it. Her truths weren’t his to carry, no matter how softly they fell from her lips and pierced his ears.
“And sharing our lives, growing to be better together, is too much, huh?”
Cyren nodded.
“Even if a nigga loves you?” Heavy asked, not realizing he’d let the words slip.
Her eyes squeezed tightly while she shook her head. “Don’t... don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“I mean that shit,” Heavy declared. “Open your eyes, Pooh. Look at me.”
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she obeyed. There was so much love and truth in his eyes for her to believe he was lying.
“I love you. That’s a fact. I know we were supposed to be on some chill shit, taking things slow, but a nigga can’t be coo’ when it comes to you.
You can’t expect that from me, but if it’s too much.
.. if you not ready for what I’m on”—he shrugged, laying it all on the line—“I’ll just have to live with that. ”
Cyren’s chest tightened as his words settled.
They were impossible to ignore. Part of her wanted to run from them, to protect the version of herself that already had lost control, but another part of her softened, in ways she wasn’t ready to admit.
Loving him didn’t scare her nearly as much as what it would require of her if she said it back.
She gave him just enough to assure Heavy that she heard him.
“It’s too much right now, yes. That doesn’t mean it’ll always be this way. When I’m ready to settle down, you’ll be the first to know.” She chuckled, but he didn’t crack a grin.
Heavy was in his feelings like a mothafucka.
He couldn’t hide the fact even if he tried.
The sun was literally highlighting his scowl.
He wasn’t mad at her but more so himself.
She’d been telling him for months, reminding him what this was that they were doing, yet like her, he jumped in headfirst. The only difference was that Cyren knew how to swim. Somebody needed to come save him.
“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat. “Make me your first call, sweetheart.”
He gave her a smile that didn’t feel nearly as warm as the heat blowing out of her vents. Cyren felt bad, but she held her ground. In the end, she knew he’d appreciate where she was coming from. It was a place of love... the kind Heavy was yearning to give her, if only she’d let him.