Chapter 14
Tianna
Watching him walk out that door was the exact reason I never wanted to be here. I hate seeing him leave for these missions or whatever they want to call them. I never know how he’s going to come back. I guess this time, it doesn’t matter since he isn’t coming back to me. A part of that makes me sad. A part of me wants him to come back to me. There’s a deep lingering inside me that misses Remy more than I can say.
I sit in the back of the room and watch as some of the guys linger and the girls go on about their business. No one looks concerned at the fact they might not make it back. And that’s what bothers me.
Hodge walks over with two beers in his hand, offering me one. I shouldn’t take it, but I do.
“Thanks,” I tell him as he pulls up a chair and sits in front of me.
“You doin’ okay? Remy treatin’ you okay?”
“As good as I can be given the situation.”
“And Remy?”
“He’s doing his best to find Charlie.” Hodge nods his head.
“That’s not what I was askin’.”
“He doesn’t like to look at me, Hodge. I’m sure he hates me.”
“I don’t think that’s it. I think that man still loves you so much he doesn’t know what to do. How to handle you bein’ back here.”
“I don’t know about that. I don’t think he wants me here at all.”
“We all see how he looks at you, Tianna. That man loves you. Always has. Hell, he kept lettin’ you come around even when he knew you were gonna marry someone else. You can’t tell me that isn’t love.”
“It’s just all so messed up. I don’t know how to make any of this right,” I say.
“I get that too, darlin’. This is one big mess, but we’re gonna figure it all out, and then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“Once you have your daughter back. What’s your plan?”
“I don’t really have one. My life was whatever Brad said it was. I lost all contact with my family, my friends. Everything had to be his way or no way,” I admit, even though the thought hurts.
“What about Charlie?”
“I found out I was pregnant not long after I moved in with him. He was happy at first, or at least he faked it well. He knew she wasn’t his, and he accepted that, or so I thought. It was all a joke. He hated Charlie for being Remy’s. That’s what he used to control me after she was born. He took her away from me. Used her as a tool, and I let him. I didn’t know how to tell Remy he had a daughter, and I didn’t know where she was.” Tears roll down my cheeks as I think about it. “He would let me see her if I acted accordingly. So I learned to plaster on a smile and enjoy every second of being with him, even if it killed a part of me. I did it all for her.”
“Fuck, Tianna. Does Remy know all this?” I shake my head.
“I never told him everything. He’s so angry, and I knew that would make it worse.”
“He needs to know.” I nod my head, knowing this already, and I plan on telling him everything. “I know. I’m going to tell him.”
“Good. Then you can start workin’ on you two.”
“There is nothing left between us, Hodge. I’ve ruined that.”
“I don’t think so. Listen, I know Remy, knew him before you came along. What I see in that man’s eyes is love. Real love. Don’t shut him out, Tianna. Give him a chance.” I nod my head and watch as he stands and walks away. I shove off the couch and head back down to the room. I’m overwhelmed by the scent of him. It’s everywhere.
I walk over to the dresser and pull the drawer open to find the pictures I saw the other night. I pull them out and go through them, one by one. Pictures of me and him a long time ago. Pictures of what love used to look like before I ruined it all.
I take the stack over to the bed and sit down, flipping through them all. We looked so happy. We looked like we were in love, and at the time, I don’t doubt we were. But I ruined that. I ruined what we had because I wasn’t ready to deal with his lifestyle.
Even now that I think about it, I don’t know if I could handle it. And Charlie? What would I tell her? What kind of mother would I be to let her child see the way he looks when he comes back?
I sit quietly, looking at the photos, when someone knocks on the door. I look up to see Kiki, Locke’s old lady, pop her head in.
“Hey,” she says softly.
“Hey, Kiki.”
“Some of us ladies are having a drink fest. Care to join?” She wiggles her eyebrows at me, causing me to smile.
“I don’t know. Isn’t it just for the old ladies?”
“Oh, okay. Act like you don’t belong to Remy all you want, but we all know that’s a lie.”
“I don’t belong to him. Not anymore.”
“Is that why he warned all the prospects away from you?” she asks.
“What?”
“You heard me. Warned them all he would cut their fuckin’ balls off if they even looked your way.” I shake my head. I had no idea.
“I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah, well, he did. I was there, and it was hot as fuck too. If you would have seen it you would have been all over the man.” Now I laugh a little.
“I can’t see him being like that.”
“Girl, he is like that, especially over you. Now, come on. We’re drinking.” She walks over to the bed and snatches the pictures from my hand and tosses them back onto the bed before dragging me up. I walk with her, not really having a choice, as she leads me back into the main room where the women have gathered. They’re all laughing and having a good time.
Kiki walks into the middle of the group, grabs a few shots, and passes me one.
“Most of you already know, Tianna. If you don’t, this is Remy’s old lady.” I’m about to open my mouth but think better of it and down my shot.
We get into a groove and drink like I’ve never drank before. Kiki keeps us all laughing and having a good time. I don’t know how long we’ve stayed out here talking or laughing but it sure as hell feels good. I’ve not had a genuine moment like this for a long time.
“We’re dancing!” Kiki calls out before she turns on some music. The place is loud, and the few guys who linger around are all off somewhere else, so I figure it couldn’t hurt. I follow her to the middle of the room and start dancing to the music.
I’m having the best time with them when I feel a hand slip around my waist. Instantly, I freeze. My mind shifts back to Brad. What if he found me? What if he comes here?
“You look awful sexy dancin’ like that,” Remy whispers in my ear. Slowly, my body relaxes into his touch. I’m safe here. I’m safe with him. Those words repeat in my head and apparently from my lips.
“You are safe with me,” he agrees. His hand stays where it is, his lips near my ear. I suck in a breath, not sure what to do here. He’s so close. It’s so … real. Then I feel his teeth tug on my ear, and I almost lose my footing. My knees feel like they’re going to buckle but this is how he is when he comes back from one of these runs. Slowly, I spin around, his hand coming to rest on my back. I look up at him and see the look of lust in his eyes.
“I can’t be what you need,” I tell him truthfully.
“What do you mean? You’re all I’ve ever needed, Tianna.”
“Not like this. Not when you come back from whatever you’ve been doing.”
“We haven’t been doin’ anything. Is that what you think this is?” Now he steps away from me, and I miss the contact.
“Isn’t it? This is how it’s always gone, Remy. You go out, and you come back and fuck me how you need.” Remy nods his head but doesn’t say anything. Slowly he backs away from me until he spins around and walks off. Like the fool I am, I follow behind him.
“Don’t walk away from me!” I yell in my drunken state.
“Don’t walk away from you? Isn’t that what you’ve been doin’ to me for years?” That’s a low blow, but he’s right.
“That’s not fair!”
“Life isn’t fair, Tianna. Don’t you see that? Life has fucked us both, and there’s nothin’ we can do about it but look forward. I need to know right here, right now. What do you want with me?” Oh God. He can’t do this to me right now.
“You know the answer to that.”
“You want Charlie back. That’s it? That’s all you want?” I can’t do this. That’s not all I want. I want him. I want us. But how? How do I do that now? After everything else?
“Remy, I left you for a reason.”
“And you came back for a reason, Tianna! Jesus, when are you gonna just say it? Huh?”
“Say what?”
“That you fuckin’ love me, Tianna!” he roars. “Say the fuckin’ words!”
“I can’t do that,” I nearly whisper. Remy moves in on me, coming to stand in my face now. We have the attention of half the room, and I can’t seem to care. It’s him. It’s always been him.
“Say the fuckin’ words, Tianna!” He screams at me once more.
“Fine! You want to hear it so goddamn badly? I love you, Remy! I’ve always fucking loved you!”