Renegade (Trackers #2)

Chapter Three

RAVEN

When Miguel took off after the guy he’d called John, I admit, I was scared. It was so out of character for him. In the last three months we’d grown closer than two men could, except in one area. It was especially frustrating when he talked about his military service. Honestly, he’d told me most of the work he’d done in the Marine Corps was classified and, though, I understood the limitations placed on him on an intellectual level, it felt like a massive valley between us at times.

There were couples who shared everything. Judy and her husband Luis were a living example of it. They didn’t have to hide their past from each other. Judy had told me she’d once given Luis a free pass for a whole night where he was allowed to tell her all about his past. She’d promised he could have until dawn the next morning to lay it all out on the table and suffer no judgment or recriminations from her. So, he’d told her all about his past relationships, all about his girlfriends before they’d met.

I supposed the trust involved in that had to be tremendous. I’d never had a serious relationship with a guy, so it was a foreign concept to me, but I could still relate to the trust. I supposed I was going to have to grow a thicker skin when it came to certain things my Marine could share and try to accept those he couldn’t.

But it was hard and it happened at the most intimate of times. Sometimes, as we lay in bed in the afterglow of a fantastic round or two of lovemaking, I expected more conversation about our lives prior to meeting each other. He’d told me all about his life as a kid and I already knew all about the death of his parents. How Cassidy had driven him down to Camp Pendelton to start his Marine Corps training. But there was a gap there. Miguel had served from the tender age of eighteen until he was twenty-six, only three years younger than I am now…and he could tell me almost nothing about it.

I understood. At least I tried. Miguel’s secrets didn’t involve old girlfriends or boyfriends. He could go to prison if he shared his secrets. They didn’t involve him alone. Miguel kept national security secrets, and they were classified for a reason.

He’d hinted about certain things like sleeping in a bed as luxurious as mine on a mission once, but he’d never filled in details. I just assumed he couldn’t, but I wanted to know. Who had he been with? Had he shared the bed? Had there been other men in the service? He was gay. There had to have been, but he’d never told me about boyfriends. Eight years was a long time to be celibate, especially at the age when a stiff breeze could get a man hard. So now I almost dreaded knowing something about the man we’d run after. Had he been a lover?

The haunted look in Miguel’s beautiful brown eyes had been telling. He’d said he recognized him, calling him John. As he fell asleep, I drove home feeling sick inside, fighting back jealousy and dread. What was he going to tell me? Show me? He didn’t have much…clothes and…the footlocker he kept locked all the time. As I pictured it now, I likened it to a Pandora’s box sitting in my garage collecting dust. What if I hated what he had in there? What if it ruined what we had together? Or whatever it was triggered bad memories for Miguel, which is why he’d kept it locked?

As I turned all these thoughts over in my mind, I realized everything was coming from a place of fear and my own insecurities. Though I had many reasons to feel the way I did, I had to stop my anxiety, or it would destroy me…destroy us. I loved him, so I would trust that whatever it was, I’d accept it. And if it meant that much to him to keep it safely inside, then I’d go along with the program. I’d try my best to be a supportive partner…no matter what it was.

It was late afternoon by the time I parked in front of the house. All my silent ponderings and all the L.A. traffic had exhausted me. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing what he wanted to show me now. I’d gotten all worked up about this man when rationally, I knew hearing Miguel’s explanation probably wouldn’t be so mysterious after all. As if he felt my gaze studying his face, he roused from his lean against the passenger window and glanced over at me before checking his watch. Blinking several times, he reached up and wiped away drool from the side of his face before smiling bashfully.

“Well, that’s sexy.”

I swallowed my anxiety, leaned toward him, and kissed the side of his mouth. “No worries.” My lips lingered a moment before I slid them over and kissed him softly. He reached up and held the back of my head, slanting his lips and opening up for me. In an instant, I was on fire for this beautiful man. He kissed me deeply, longingly, and I went with it, letting him take me away on the tide. By the time he finally let me go, my cock was throbbing inside my suit pants and I was panting. His eyes twinkled. They actually twinkled. I sat back behind the wheel and decided it was time to change the subject.

“I don’t know about you but I’m a little peckish,” I said as I rubbed my belly and we got out of the truck to walk up the paver path.

“Peckish?” He chuckled.

“You know, hungry.”

He slung an arm over my shoulder as we stopped at the door, and I pulled out keys to unlock it. “I know what peckish means, Raven, but I’ve just never heard it said by an American before. You’ve clearly been reading too much lit—ra—ture,” he said in a mocking British accent.

I barked out a laugh before I could stop it. “Shut up. Are you hungry or not?”

“In answer to your question, yeah, I could eat. Staring at those tortilla chips and salsa at the restaurant was making me crazy.”

“Well, let’s see what we can rustle up before you show me whatever it is you want to show me.” The minute I opened the door, my nostrils were hit with the aroma of something heavenly.

“Oh, what’s that?” Miguel asked.

“Don’t know but it smells delicious.” I felt my stomach growl as I hung my keys on the hook by the door and toed out of the dress shoes for the meeting. Dolly stepped out of my nana’s bedroom and came walking down the hall, smiling widely, all white teeth in a sweet, plump face.

“Oh, I hope you boys are hungry,” she drawled. Her home cooking was amazing and if I didn’t work out so hard, sometimes running five miles with Miguel in the morning, I knew I could grow just as pleasingly round as Dolly.

“We were just talking about the way it smells in this house,” I said. “What’d you make?”

“Come and see,” she said, reaching out to squeeze my bicep through the suit coat. “I’ve decided you’re much too skinny and since your grandmother sleeps a lot of the time, I made some soup. I hope you don’t mind me usin’ your kitchen.”

“Of course not,” I reassured her. “You’re a wonderful cook, Dolly.”

“Soup?” Miguel asked, already in forward motion, heading toward the kitchen.

I followed Miguel with Dolly by my side. By the time I’d turned the corner to the kitchen, he was already standing at the stove with the lid of the stockpot in his hands, bending over and sniffing its contents. When he looked up, he was smiling. “Is this albondigas ?”

She smiled. “Yes, it is. I hope you like it. I made soup since it’s easy for Angelica to eat.”

I reached over and put an arm around her shoulders, conscious of the holster on the opposite arm when it pulled. I dropped my arm quickly, having forgotten the gun was there. I frankly hated the thing. I couldn’t wait to take it off. Dolly was always doing kind things for my nana. She was always gentle and kind, laughed a great deal, and my grandmother’s entire demeanor had changed since I’d fired Ned and hired her in his place.

Nana had never been one to complain about anything, so the change in her was noticeable. It’d taken me months to get over the guilt I felt over having not noticed their everyday interactions until after Ned had been fired. Not only was my nana much happier but healthier as well. Dolly had completely changed her diet, using only fresh produce instead of anything canned. She’d cut out processed foods almost entirely and made sure that whenever she cooked, the meals were nutritious, and plant based whenever possible. That was a good thing since I constantly worried about her choking. and my nana seemed to tolerate the food much better. Her appetite had improved and she had color back in her cheeks which grew rosier by the day.

“I know she likes her veggies, so I substituted the meat in the rice meatballs with tofu,” Dolly said. “It’s high in protein and it’s identical to the pot I made for you two.” She pointed to another, larger pot. “That’s for you and Miguel. It has the ground meat.” I lifted the lid of that pot. The Mexican rice meatballs were small, floating in a delicate tomato base with tons of vegetables.

“Have I ever told you you’re a treasure?” Miguel asked. “It smells just like home in here.”

She reached up and patted his cheek. “It’s fun cooking for two big, strong men. You two make me feel like a young bride all over again.”

“You’re still young!” I protested.

“Honey, I’m approaching my Social Security age, that’s what I am. Now, off with you two to say hi to her. Today has been tiring for her, so I’d like to put her to sleep early if that’s okay.”

I frowned a bit, leaning back on the counter and crossing my feet at the ankle. “Is she okay?”

“We went to the doctor as you know.”

I nodded. Lately, my nana’s health had been iffy, so it was a good thing she was on a better diet, something I should have taken the time to change up long ago. While our new office space was being renovated, I’d taken her to see her regular doctor as well as her heart specialist. The cardiologist put her on a new medication and today marked four weeks since the regime had begun. “How’d it go?” I asked, slightly worried.

“Doctor Novy went over the labs she had done last week, and he said they’re better. He promised to send the report over to you. I gave him your work email. The trip to the doctor tuckered Angelica out. She slept most of the afternoon. She’ll grow accustomed to it, Raven. It’ll just take some time. No use frettin’ about it. Now, go see her, darlin’.”

I nodded, exchanged a glance with Miguel, and we headed back to lock up our weapons in the gun safe which I’d purchased shortly after Miguel moved in. It was tucked into a locked master bathroom closet where it would be out of the way of anyone stumbling into the bathroom. At the same time, it was at hand for easy access if necessary.

We changed into comfortable clothes and went in to coax Nana out of the bedroom. She was lying prone in bed with her AirPods in, only opening her eyes when Stanley lifted his head and greeted us with a loud meow the minute he saw us. He was curled up next to her in bed, where he’d begun sleeping each and every night. Just like I’d hoped, she’d taken to him, adopting the kitten almost the minute he moved in. It was a good thing because the cat had claimed her the second he met her.

“Raven,” Nana said, lowering her blanket as she sat up with a little effort.

I moved quickly to her and Miguel followed. I sat on the edge of the bed and took her bony hand, kissing it before letting go. She looked so tired. “Hi, Nana. Good book?”

“Very nice.” She looked past me with unseeing eyes as she removed her AirPods and stored them in the case, knowing where they were on the table by touch alone. “Hello, Miguel.” She held out her hand. “Come here, sweetheart.”

Miguel walked over from where he’d stopped in the doorway. “Hi, Angelica. You’re looking pretty today.” He took the hand she offered, bending to peck her on the cheek. She leaned into his lips.

“You’re a silver-tongued flatterer, Miguel,” she said, chuckling before sniffing the air. “Something smells lovely.”

“Dolly made you some albondigas. Will you come out and have a bowl with me and Miguel or do you want her to bring you some?”

“You know how much I love eating with you and Miguel, but I just don’t know if I’m up to it tonight, Raven.” She patted Stanley’s little head. “Stanley knows. He’s been with me all day.”

I worried my bottom lip, exchanging a glance with Miguel. He was frowning almost as deeply as I was. I couldn’t help feeling like she was slipping further away from me and the feeling of powerlessness to do anything about her disease almost killed me. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her wrinkled forehead. “I’ll have her bring you a bowl, Nana.”

“Thank you, Raven. Enjoy your own meals. Dolly is a wonderful cook.”

I smiled. “Yes, she is. Let me set up your TV tray.” I retrieved it from the closet and set it up as Miguel helped her stand and then arrange herself in the inviting easy chair. Once she was comfortable, we wished her good night, situating her tray in front of her before turning on her favorite music. Miguel took my hand as we walked down the hall toward the front room where I could hear Dolly watching a game show.

“I can’t help but feel like I’m losing her, Miguel,” I said, choking back tears as I stopped him in the hallway, halfway to the living room.

“She looks better than she did a month ago. Maybe the new medication will help get her straightened out, Raven. The doctor said it would help but it could take as long as a month for her to really start showing improvement, right?”

I nodded, feeling like I wanted to cry. I hated feeling that way in front of Miguel and yet, I couldn’t imagine going through this without him at my side. “He said a few weeks but I feel like I should be helping…doing something. I almost wish—” I stopped, not able to say what I wanted to say.

“What? Tell me, Raven. If it’s in my power to give it to you, I’ll do it.” He canted his head back toward the bedroom, before looking back at me. “That goes for Angelica too. Tell me how I can help. I’ll do anything.”

“I want to take her home. After this case, I want to take her home for a little while. Let her see the medicine man.”

“Home to Arizona?” Miguel asked.

I stared into his eyes. He wasn’t mocking. He never judged me. That’s how I knew he loved me. I couldn’t imagine meeting some guy and then realizing he was taking care of an elderly woman in failing health. No one I knew would put up with that. Miguel was different, though. He had honor, so it felt right to trust him with this as in all things.

“Yes. As soon as we finish up with this pigeon’s blood ruby case and put it to bed, I want to take her back. I don’t know how much more time she has and if I don’t and—” I felt tears in my eyes. “I just don’t think I’d know how to live with her death on my conscience if I hadn’t done everything in my power to give her the best quality of life I could.”

He pulled me into his strong arms and held me close, kissing the side of my face. “Will you let me come with you?”

I leaned back so I could look into his eyes. “Do you want to?” I sounded almost needy but I wanted him by my side…always.

He smiled. “Of course, Sunshine. I’ll do anything for you.” He cleared his throat, swallowing. “Now, let’s go tell Dolly to take her some soup, okay?”

I nodded, “Yes.”

“Then I’ll show you what I want to show you.”

I smiled at him, loving him even more than I had just a few minutes ago. “Okay, Miguel.”

MIGUEL

Raven and I wished Dolly goodbye at the front door, sending her home with a healthy portion of the soup she’d made for us. I popped some garlic toast into the oven and sat down at the kitchen table with a glass of iced tea while Raven went back to Nana’s room to keep watch over her while she ate. I thought back to the unbelievable encounter with John as I stood, deciding to swap out clean dishes from the dishwasher with the few Dolly had generated while cooking. I was restless.

I still couldn’t believe it was him, but I’d seen the recognition in his eyes. Just like he’d known me, I’d also known him. Even if it had been over a decade since we’d lost him. We’d all lost him and for some unknown reason, he’d kept the fact that he was still alive from all of us. How on earth had he survived the sandstorm and where had he gone afterward? Could he have made it out of the remote deserts of Afghanistan alone? There were villages dotted around but to our knowledge, they’d all been Taliban controlled. Even if he’d been able to make it to one and could find villagers willing to help him get back to us, the repercussions to them would have been severe and instant the second they were found out.

I dried my hands and sat down again, pulling out my phone and scrolled, going down the list of guys in my unit and doing a mental checklist of those I knew were still deployed. Cliff Mayhew and Alex Grant were deployed overseas—where, I had no idea—Vonne Jackson, my best friend and buddy at the V.A., and me were still in California. Pete—Peety Morrison—our company cut up always with a smile and stupid joke, had retired to some dinky-assed little farm in Iowa.

I grinned as I thought of Morrison…that pasty-white, tall drink of water. Even in the desert, that motherfucker could always be found chewing on a goddamned piece of straw. When I’d asked him where he got them, he simply told me he carried them around in his ass since they made him feel close to home even when shit was happening all around him. He always made us laugh…like it was his goddamned job to keep us all smiling. After Vonne, he’d been the closest man to me, not counting John Sutter. Though I dreamed of keeping him close, skin to skin, we’d never made it that far. A few stolen kisses, mutual hand jobs, promises of things to come, expressions of love and more, and then…he’d been lost to us.

John had been our team leader and after he’d finally been taken off the MIA lists and declared killed in action, I hadn’t believed it. None of us had. But the Corps said it was true, so we had no recourse but to follow orders and abandon our search for him…at least to our new commander and the others in charge. We rationalized it any way we could. We figured what they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them. We’d had to find John…at the very least, find his body so that he could be brought home.

Some of the other Marine’s on base made sure our midnight expeditions out to the site of John’s disappearance weren’t exposed to the higher ups. They all knew better. They all sympathized with us. We all knew no one could stay gone without a trace or hidden by friendlies…not even a tough son-of-a-bitch like John. So, we’d secretly gone back time and time again to search before finally being ordered to withdraw from the country entirely on August 30, 2021. That’s where our search had finally ended. It still didn’t sit good with me.

Recon had a creed:

R ealizing it is my choice and my choice alone to be a Reconnaissance Marine, I accept all challenges involved with this profession. Forever shall I strive to maintain the tremendous reputation of those who went before me.

If finding John meant abandoning our reputations, we’d all rationalized…then it would.

E xceeding beyond the limitations set down by others shall be my goal, sacrificing personal comforts and dedicating myself to the completion of the Reconnaissance mission shall be my life. Physical fitness, mental attitude, and high ethics – the title of Recon Marine is my honor.

We’d lived by this part of the creed every night as we’d futilely searched for John. We were honorable and no matter the sacrifice we’d had to make, we’d do it to bring him home.

C onquering all obstacles, both large and small, I shall never quit. To quit, to surrender, to give up is to fail. To be a Reconnaissance Marine is to surpass failure: to overcome, to adapt and to do whatever it takes to complete the mission.

We’d all known our mission was incomplete. None of us wanted to admit failure.

O n the battlefield, as in all areas of life, I shall stand tall above the competition. Through professional pride, integrity, and teamwork, I shall be the example for all Marines to emulate.

We’d hoped that finding John would be the example all other Marines would follow.

N ever shall I forget the principles I accepted to become a Reconnaissance Marine. Honor, Perseverance, Spirit and Heart. A Recon Marine can speak without saying a word and achieve what others can only imagine.

I’d always thought there should be another line.

Simply: A lways bring us home.

I looked up when Raven walked back into the kitchen. He smiled at me and then wrinkled his nose. “Is something burning?”

“Oh shit!” I jumped up from the table and ran over to the oven, opening it as the smell of half-burned garlic toast billowed out of it. I grabbed a potholder and took the pan out, looking morosely down at the blackened lumps of bread on the tray. Raven immediately walked over to the window and opened it as I dumped the ruined bread into the garbage and closed the oven. When the smoke alarm went off, I cursed under my breath and leaped onto a chair to pull it down from the ceiling to silence it as I turned to Raven.

“I’d better check to make sure Nana didn’t wake up. She may be blind, but her hearing is pretty damned good.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling shitty as he walked back out of the kitchen.