Chapter 11
Ethan’s heart pounded as he let Chelsea escape to the kitchen while he stood frozen with the video camera in his hand.
What the hell was he thinking?
He’d almost kissed Chelsea, and that would have been a big mistake.
Huge.
He wasn’t getting involved with her.
But his body hated him right now. It screamed that the mistake he’d made was not kissing her. And a large part of his mind was on its side.
Ethan exhaled quietly, letting his heart rate return to normal. He didn’t want to face Chelsea, but he could hardly stay here forever.
He returned to the kitchen where Chelsea was pacing from the kitchen table to the sink and back again. Her whole posture stiffened further when he entered the room and she glanced at him, turmoil on her face and then away again.
Shit. He’d put that expression there. He placed the video camera on the table and opened his mouth to apologise when Chelsea said, “What was that?” She waved her hand towards the laundry. “Why were you going to kiss me?”
Ethan didn’t have a good answer. He rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry, Chels. I guess it was kind of habit. You felt good pressed against me, and…” And what? He desperately wanted to feel her lips against his again. He couldn’t say that.
If anything her expression became more devastated. She stopped pacing. “Was that all it ever was for you?” Her voice was soft. “Just physical?”
“No!” How could she even ask that? What they’d had was the most important relationship of his life.
“What was it then?” she demanded.
“You were my everything.” The words came out before he considered the consequences.
Her face screwed up in confusion. “Then why did you leave me?”
There it was. All the hurt from the past written on her face. She wasn’t as dismissive of their time together as she’d pretended to be.
Still he hesitated. If he told her the truth, she might hate him. He’d never been good enough for her, but she’d been too young to realise it.
The unworthiness stabbed him in the chest and scrabbled to take control of his senses. He stepped back, battling the strength of it, feeling almost as if he was back in the tsunami again, helpless to control it.
He sucked in a breath as he fought not to show the turmoil rushing through him.
Chelsea shook her head. “Never mind.” She turned around and the panic intensified.
He could practically hear Mila challenging him to be vulnerable.
“Because you deserved so much better than me.”
She turned back, frowning. “What?”
“The army was my only choice after I turned eighteen. I couldn’t afford any other career path because I had no money for food, accommodation, or transport.” His foster parents had already told him he had to move out on the day he turned eighteen.
Chelsea nodded. “I know. We discussed it. I supported your choice.”
“But you didn’t know the reality. All you wanted was a stable family, a partner who was always there for you. I couldn’t give you that. I’d be deployed for months at a time and you would be left on your own, having to do everything yourself, just like your mother had to.”
Incredulity crossed her face. “What I wanted was you. I could have handled months on my own as long as I knew you were coming back to me.”
He shook his head. “But I might not have. I always had my sights set on Special Forces. Any one of my missions could have been my last. I almost died in the damn tsunami.” He gestured to his hips. “You would have been left alone. I loved you too much to put you through that.”
And the decision had tormented him for years.
Anger flashed in her eyes and she straightened, stalking towards him.
“You did put me through that. I mourned you, Ethan. I questioned my own worth. I thought myself unloveable by any man. It took me years to work up the courage to go on a date. I was alone.” She poked him in the chest. “You did that to me by leaving with no explanation.”
Horror filled him. “No, it wasn’t meant to be like that.”
She threw her hands up in disbelief. “What the hell did you expect? We’d been planning a life together and suddenly you were leaving and didn’t want to stay in touch. What was I supposed to take from it? I was eighteen, in love, and I had been rejected by every man in my life, including you.”
Oh shit. She was right. What a stupid kid he’d been.
Chelsea had told him she was the result of her mother’s affair with a married man.
The man had never acknowledged Chelsea’s existence.
Then she’d been excited about getting to know Ezra, but he hadn’t been interested in a father-daughter relationship with her.
And there Ethan was, adding to her list of shit-for-brains men in her life.
Agony ripped through him and he reached to pull her into his arms, but she stepped away, moving to put the table between them.
He rubbed his chest, her rejection wounding him almost as much as the tsunami had.
Was the fear of it why he really walked away all those years ago?
“I’m so sorry, Chels. I didn’t think.” No, he’d used excuses to protect himself from the inevitable rejection he’d expected. If he’d been strong enough to think it through rationally, or brave enough to discuss his fears with her, they would have worked things out. God, what an idiot he’d been.
He took a cautious step forward. “I never wanted to hurt you. I only wanted what was best for you. It killed me to walk away. You were the first person I’d ever loved.”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing.” She strode away from the kitchen into the living area and Ethan followed. “You threw away everything we had together without even having the decency to discuss it with me? You got to decide what was best for me?”
He stared at her helplessly. In hindsight he saw what a terrible decision it was. “I was a kid who’d never loved before, Chels. I wanted to save you from a life of disappointment.” He sighed. “I’m so sorry.”
Chelsea stopped pacing and took three deep breaths.
Then she shook herself, as if shaking away her agitation.
When she looked at him, she was calm, as if a mask had slotted over her face.
She gave an embarrassed smile. “I don’t know why I’m so worked up.
All this happened more than a decade ago.
” She waved her hand. “Water under the bridge. Thank you for explaining. Obviously it was still weighing on me.” A short, humourless laugh.
“Why don’t you go back to the cottage and I’ll finish cleaning up and join you in a minute? ”
She brushed past him on her way back to the kitchen and he grabbed hold of her arm. “Wait.”
She looked at him with her forest green eyes, and he saw his world.
Nothing had changed in his circumstances, but he couldn’t let her go a second time. Not without trying.
“What, Ethan?”
He swallowed. “Maybe you got so worked up because you’re feeling the same emotions as me.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Which are?”
Yeah, he deserved to be the one who laid it all on the line first this time around. “Attraction, longing, the excruciating ache of wondering what we would have been like if I hadn’t been such a dumb-ass.”
Her lips quirked up for a second.
“Maybe it’s being back in Lilydale together, but I’ve thought about you so often over the years. Leaving you is my one regret.”
She shifted, moving ever so slightly closer to him.
Keep talking. Somehow he’d gone from not wanting to get involved to not wanting her to leave in a blink of an eye. “We were good together, Chels. We had a connection and understood each other in a way I’ve never felt with anyone else.” He paused. “I think the connection is still there.”
Chelsea pursed her lips, thinking things through. “We’re different people now.” It wasn’t an argument, simply a statement of fact.
He nodded. “Hopefully a little wiser along with the older.”
“We live in different states.”
Ethan raised his eyebrows. “Are you planning to return to Sydney when Lilydale is done?”
She shrugged. “Restoring Lilydale might fail.”
He almost laughed. “With the two of us working on it, we can make anything succeed.” It sounded trite, but he believed it. They both had the passion and drive to restore Lilydale and after seeing Chelsea’s lists, and project plan, if she couldn’t do it, then no one could.
“When did you become the optimistic one?” she asked.
“When I met you.” Chelsea had made him believe he could do anything.
She shook her head and shifted away a little, taking three small breaths.
“If I could do things differently, I would,” he said, desperate for her not to shut him out.
Chelsea searched his gaze and then placed a tentative hand on his chest. “I’m scared, Ethan. I’m not sure I can handle being hurt like that again.”
“I can’t walk away again. Not without trying to make things right.” He covered her hand with his own. “I can’t promise there won’t be times when we both get hurt, but I promise not to make big decisions about us without talking to you first.”
She closed her eyes and Ethan held his breath, waiting for her to decide.
Finally she opened them. “If you tried, I’d fight back this time.”
Elation filled him as she leaned closer and pressed her lips against his.
The kiss was soft, hesitant at first as they explored each other’s mouths, relearning their taste. He slid his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, needing to touch her, feel her warmth under his hands.
This was coming home.
She moaned and the sound sent a shot of lust straight to his groin, but before he could deepen the kiss, she stepped back. She tasted her lips and smiled. “If we keep that up, we won’t get any work done.”
His heart raced and hope filled him, but with it came a serving of fear. He pushed it down. “What work?”
Her laugh made him grin.
“Come on.” She took his hand and led him towards the door. “If seduction is your way of distracting me, it won’t work.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Today.” With a quick grin, she pulled him out of the house.