4. Chapter Four
Chapter Four
CLARE
It had been one of the longest weeks of my life, and that was saying something because at least I wasn’t trapped in a cage by Jeremy.
No, this cage was of my own making, but the bars were just as tight. I hadn’t left my apartment. I’d texted my brother often because I knew he would turn up if he wasn’t convinced I was okay, and I’d blown off my so-called friends, saying I’d gone to visit my brother which no one would question.
I’d ordered takeout, bought random stuff for my fridge, but I’d barely eaten any of it. I knew I should call Anna, make an appointment to talk, but she might ring alarm bells, and I just wanted peace.
I glanced at the app on my phone when Jeffrey the doorman rang and, confused, because I wasn’t expecting any more food deliveries I would just throw away, I answered.
“Miss Newman? I have a Maddox Rourke here. He says he has an appointment but I have nothing in the diary.”
At the same time as I was speaking to Jeffrey, who was a lovely man, my phone flashed with a text message.
Not going away until you see me.
I froze, my heart pounding. Maddox was here? “Miss Newman?" Jeffrey's voice brought me back to the present. "Should I send him away?"
I wanted to say yes. Every instinct screamed at me to turn Maddox away, to stay safely hidden in my self-imposed isolation. But a tiny part of me, the part I'd been trying so hard to silence, longed to see him.
"It's...it's okay, Jeffrey. You can send him up," I heard myself say, my voice shaking slightly. I ended the call and stared at my phone, at Maddox's text. Not going away until you see me. The words both thrilled and terrified me.
Panic set in as I glanced around my apartment. I hadn't showered in days, a few dirty dishes were piled in the sink, and I was wearing ratty old sweatpants and a stained t-shirt. I couldn't let him see me like this.
I rushed to the bathroom, splashing water on my face, brushing my teeth, and running a brush through my tangled hair. I changed into clean leggings and an oversized sweater, my hands trembling as I heard the knock at the door.
Taking a deep breath, I opened it.
Maddox stood there, concern etched on his handsome face. "Clare," he said softly. "I'm sorry for showing up unannounced, but I wanted to make sure you were okay, and I guessed you would blow me off with a text message.” He took a step and because with his confidence and assurance he expected me to let him in, I caved and stepped back.
Maddox took a step closer, and I instinctively backed away. Hurt flashed in his eyes, but he didn't move any farther.
“I’m fine.”
He didn’t answer immediately but his eyes swept the apartment. "You don't have to pretend with me," he said gently. "I know you're struggling. I just want to help."
I felt tears pricking at my eyes and blinked them back furiously. "I don't need help. I'm handling things."
He glanced pointedly at the pile of takeout containers on the counter, the unwashed dishes in the sink. "Is this handling things?"
Anger flared in my chest. "You don't get to judge me," I snapped. "You have no idea what I'm going through."
"You're right," Maddox said, holding up his hands placatingly. "I don't. But I want to understand. I want to be here for you, Clare."
I felt my resolve wavering. Part of me wanted to give in, to let Maddox take care of me. But the fear was too strong.
"Why?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. "Why do you care so much?"
Maddox took a deep breath. "Because I see how much you're hurting. And because... I care about you, Clare. More than I probably should."
His admission hit me like a punch to the gut. I shook my head, backing away farther. "No. You can't. I'm not... I can't be what you want."
"You don't know what I want," Maddox said softly.
"I know exactly what you want," I replied, my voice trembling. "You're a Daddy Dom and I can't... I won't ever be able to be a Little again. Not after..."
I couldn't finish the sentence, but Maddox nodded in understanding.
"Clare, listen to me," he said, his voice gentle but firm. "What that monster did to you— that wasn't being a Daddy. That was abuse, plain and simple. Real Daddies protect and care for their Littles. We don't hurt or manipulate them."
Tears were streaming down my face now. "It doesn't matter. I can't trust that side of myself ever again. It's too dangerous."
Maddox took a cautious step closer. "I understand. And I would never make you do something you don’t want.”
“Then what’s this?” I challenged. “You showing up seems pretty pushy to me.”
He stared at me. “I think you want to be pushed.” My lips parted, ready for a strong denial. “I think that’s why you came to Kingdom. I think you’re worried you’re broken, and I think you want your life back. All of your life. But especially your Little side.”
His words hit me like a physical blow. I staggered back, wrapping my arms around myself protectively. "You don't know anything about me," I whispered, but the tremor in my voice betrayed my uncertainty.
Maddox's expression softened. "Maybe not everything, but I see more than you realize, Clare. I see a woman who's been through hell, who's trying so hard to be strong. But you don't have to do this alone."
I shook my head vehemently. "No. You're wrong. I don't want... I can't..." But even as I protested, I felt something inside me cracking, a dam of emotions I'd been holding back for so long threatening to burst.
"It's okay to be scared," Maddox said gently, taking another cautious step toward me. "What happened to you was traumatic. But shutting yourself away, denying a part of who you are—that's not the answer."
"How would you know?" I snapped, anger flaring to mask my fear. "You have no idea what it's like to have that part of yourself twisted and used against you. To have something that should be safe and comforting turned into a weapon."
Maddox's eyes filled with pain and understanding. "You're right. I can't fully understand what you went through. But I do know what it's like to struggle with who you are, to be afraid of your own desires." He heaved a breath.
“I grew up in foster homes. Some good, some really bad. But the standard message was always the same. Conformity. If we deviated from the schedule, or heaven help us from the rules, there would always be consequences. We were taught to fit in. We were taught never to make waves. If prospective adoptive parents showed up, we could never show our real faces. Being perfect was expected. We were taught that people would never love us for what we were.”
I swallowed my immediate denial, because what did I know? I’d always been safe, loved, happy… spoiled .
“My best friend was gay. We managed to be in three homes together, bar a few months, but the last one…” He swallowed. “It was run by this bastard that seemed to think his twisted version of the Bible was a message from God to root out all sinners. Especially traumatized little boys that took innocent comfort in holding hands with other little boys.” I watched as Maddox seemed almost to disappear into his thoughts, into his mind, and I ached to wrap my arms around him.
“I was beaten to within an inch of my life, but Kayden didn’t survive. One of the older boys raised the alarm when we were taken to the cellar, but the cops didn’t come in time for Kayden.” His eyes returned to me, even though I could see he was struggling to shake away those memories. “So, I get it. I understand. Being a Little isn’t something you should be ashamed or frightened of, and any Daddy I know would be honored for you to place your trust in them.”
My chest tightened at Maddox's words, at the pain in his eyes as he shared his own trauma. Part of me wanted to reach out to him, to offer comfort, but I held myself back.
"I'm so sorry that happened to you," I said softly. "That's...that's awful."
Maddox nodded, his eyes still haunted. "It was. And it took me a long time to come to terms with who I am, to accept all parts of myself. Including being a Daddy."
I flinched slightly at the word, and Maddox noticed.
"I'm not telling you this to pressure you," he said quickly. "I just want you to understand that I get it. The fear, the shame, the feeling that there's something wrong with you. But there isn't, Clare. Your Little side is a beautiful, precious part of you."
Tears welled up in my eyes again. "How can you say that?" I whispered. "After what happened..."
Maddox took another cautious step toward me. "Because what happened wasn't your fault. It wasn't because you're a Little. It was because a sick, twisted man took advantage of your trust."
“I don’t know how to get past that,” I admitted.
“Then let me help.”
I studied him.
“Let me be your Daddy, temporarily, so you can explore your Little side in confidence and free from guilt. Find out who you want to be. What you want to be.”
I stared at Maddox in shock, my heart racing. "Be my...my Daddy?" I whispered, the word feeling foreign and dangerous on my tongue.
"No pressure," Maddox emphasized gently. "No expectations. Just a safe space for you to explore that side of yourself again, if you want to."
Part of me wanted to run, to slam the door and never look back. But another part, a tiny voice I'd been trying so hard to silence, longed for what he was offering. Safety. Understanding. A chance to reclaim a piece of myself I thought was lost forever.
"I...I don't know if I can," I said, my voice trembling. "What if...what if it all goes wrong again?"
Maddox's eyes were filled with compassion. "Then we stop. Immediately. No questions asked. This is about you feeling safe and comfortable, Clare. Nothing more."
I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling small and vulnerable. "How would it even work?" I asked quietly.
"We'd take it slow," Maddox explained. "Maybe start with just spending time together. Talking. If you feel comfortable, we could try some simple caregiving activities. But only what you're okay with."
My mind raced with possibilities, both thrilling and terrifying. "And you'd...you'd stop if I asked? Even if I freaked out in the middle of something?"
"Absolutely," Maddox said firmly.
I stared at Maddox, my heart pounding. His offer hung in the air between us, tempting and terrifying all at once. "I...I don't know if I can," I whispered, wrapping my arms tighter around myself.
Maddox nodded, his expression gentle. "I understand. It's a big step. But Clare, you can't keep living like this. Hiding away, denying a part of yourself. It's not healthy."
I knew he was right. The past week of isolation had left me feeling hollow, empty. But the thought of opening myself up, of being vulnerable again, sent panic coursing through me. "What if...what if I can't do it?" I asked, my voice barely audible. "What if I freeze up or panic?"
"Then we stop," Maddox said firmly. "This is about you feeling safe and comfortable, Clare. We go at your pace, always."
I bit my lip, considering. "And it would just be...temporary?"
Maddox hesitated a millisecond, but his voice was sure. "Whatever you need. Think of it as...rehabilitation. A safe space for you to reconnect with your Little side, to heal. No expectations, no pressure."
Part of me longed to say yes, to sink into the comfort and safety Maddox was offering. But fear still held me back.
"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "It's too much, too fast."
Maddox nodded, his expression understanding. "I get it. How about this—we start small. No commitments, no labels. Just...spend some time together. As friends. We can talk, maybe watch a movie. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, you tell me, and I'll leave."
I hesitated, considering his offer. It did sound less intimidating than jumping straight into a Daddy/Little dynamic, even a temporary one. And a small part of me craved the company, the chance to connect with someone who seemed to understand.
"Okay," I said softly, surprising myself. "We can try that. Just...as friends."
Relief and warmth flooded Maddox's eyes. "Thank you for giving me a chance, Clare. I promise, we'll take this at your pace."
I nodded, still feeling uncertain but there was also a tiny flicker of hope. "So, um...what now?"
Maddox glanced around the apartment. "Well, how about I make us some food—real food, not takeout—and we can just talk while we eat? No pressure, just getting to know each other a bit."
The idea of a home-cooked meal made my stomach growl, reminding me how little I'd been eating. "That...that sounds nice," I admitted.
As Maddox moved to the kitchen to place a grocery order, I sank down onto the couch, my emotions swirling. Part of me still wanted to run and hide, but part of me—a huge part—wanted it all. Wanted Maddox as my Daddy.
And not a temporary one.