Chapter 1
I wake in a blind panic, my phone blaring from under my pillow. I fumble for it, my eyes not ready to be awake yet.
I wouldn’t even worry about answering, but before I went to sleep, I set it on do not disturb, which means the list of people who can get through to me are Salem, Nora, and Jasper.
Squinting at my screen, I swipe to answer. “Hello?”
“I didn’t fucking mean to, Arlo,” Salem says on the other end of the line, his voice frantic and choked off. “Well, okay, I did mean to, but that little fuck had it coming. I wasn’t gonna let him do that to her, and—”
“Salem,” I say, trying to calm his tirade so he can tell me what happened.
“Michael is just such a dick, and I couldn’t take him pushing people around anymore, and now I’ve gotta go to this stupid—”
“Salem!” He goes silent, finally, and I sit up in bed, rubbing at my face. “Start from the beginning, and tell me what happened.”
He lets out a long, drawn-out sigh. “Remember how I told you that Michael was picking on some of the younger kids?”
“Yes,” I say, and Salem growls, a surefire sign he’s about to blow up again. “Hey, deep breath, kid.”
I breathe with him, inhaling deeply through my nose and out through pursed lips. We do some breathing exercises together, and when he’s ready to talk again, he whispers a quiet “Thank you.”
“You good?”
He inhales and exhales again. “I think so. Okay, so, Michael’s a little prick, and he keeps picking on one of my younger foster sisters…” My heart clenches. I need to get them the fuck out of there. “She reminds me of Nora, Arlo. And he’s so mean to her. He just… fuck.”
Groaning, I shake my head. “What happened, Salem?”
“I beat the shit out of him.”
I practice my own breathing exercises for a second.
“Arlo?” Salem says, a bit of a whine in his voice. “Arlo, please don’t be mad at me.”
“Not mad,” I say. “A bit disappointed.”
“That’s worse,” he mumbles. “Disappointed is worse. I didn’t have a choice.”
I sigh. “There’s always a choice, Salem. But…” God, I’m gonna regret saying this. “You did what you thought was right. You know I’ll always defend your right to defend yourself and weaker people.”
“I know,” Salem whispers.
He sounds much younger than his fifteen years right now. Scared and lonely in a world far too big and far too cruel for him.
“How long do you think it’ll be before you come and get us?”
My heart slams against my rib cage. “I’m trying my best. I almost have enough saved to get a bigger place.”
Getting Salem and Nora out of foster care and with me, where they belong, has been my priority since I found out right after coming to Silverpine and starting as a server at Daisy’s that they had ended up in the system.
“The rules are stupid,” Salem says in the way only a petulant teenager can.
“I know, kid. There’s a place in town that’s supposed to be coming up for rent soon. Just need to make sure I can afford it long term. Won’t do us any good if I get us a place just to be kicked out for not paying the bills.”
Salem sighs. “I know.” I can nearly picture his frown. “I miss you.”
My throat goes tight. “I miss you too, kid. We’ll get there, I promise. We’ll be together soon.” I’ll work my ass off to make sure of it. “Okay, so what’s gonna happen next?”
“They’re sending me back to the group home until they can find another placement for me.”
The hurt in his voice is gonna send me over the edge. “Okay,” I say, trying to be soothing. “I’m gonna call your caseworker and see what—if anything—I can do, okay? I promise I’m trying to get you two home with me.”
“I know, Arlo,” Salem whispers. “Just… hurry, please. I miss you, and I miss Nor, and I don’t want to keep doing this. I want to come home.”
His voice cracks on the last word, and I have to swallow hard a couple of times before I speak so mine doesn’t do the same. “I promise I’ll get you home soon.”
It’s a promise I’ve been making for far too long, but fuck, it’s so hard. The housing market isn’t great here, and if you don’t know someone, it’s almost impossible to get a place to live. I got lucky with my studio apartment, but the kids’ caseworker already told me I couldn’t bring them here.
I could just leave town, see if I could find somewhere else, but then I’d be leaving Luca, Theo, and Austin. And Jasper… Fuck, I shouldn’t keep thinking about him, but once I start, I can never stop.
Never mind the fact that I’d have to start all over with a new job.
“I love you,” Salem says, pulling me from my thoughts. “I’ve gotta go so I can pack up my stuff.”
My heart lodges in my throat. “I love you too, kid. Keep me updated, okay? Call me if you need me.”
“Bye.”
He hangs up before I even have a chance to respond. With a sigh, I drop back onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Leaving home—and leaving them—was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want to, but I had to.
Getting a call from Salem last year that they’d been taken into foster care wasn’t ideal, but at least they were safe. Then Salem got in a fight, and he got taken out of the home he was in with Nora, and things started to go downhill.
They don’t need to be in foster care. They need to be with me. Which means I need to grow the fuck up and get my shit straight so I can take care of them.
I’ve managed to save some money. Now I just need to find a place for us to live. With at least two bedrooms. The caseworker wouldn’t accept anything less. I get it, but it still pissed me off.
I’m willing to do almost anything, though.
I told myself I wouldn’t do this.
I’ve been telling myself that for months.
It was easier at first. After the first time Jasper and I hooked up, I brushed it off. It was easy to harbor a crush on him when I thought it wouldn’t go anywhere.
Things even went back to normal for a while after the first time. But after the second time? We couldn’t stop. We still haven’t stopped.
He wants more. I can tell. And fuck… I want more too. But I just… can’t. I have things I need to accomplish. People I need to take care of who are relying on me.
As it stands, the guilt nearly swallows me whole. But I can’t resist his pull, and Jasper can’t deny me a single thing, even when he should.
Which is why, five hours after my shift ends, I find myself standing outside his house.
We’ve been doing this for months. I show up. He fucks me into his mattress. Sometimes I stay the night, too tired to even attempt to leave his bed and his arms. Others, I run out like my ass is on fire.
I pretend I’m not in love.
He pretends he’s not in love.
It’s fine. As long as we both keep pretending.
It’s getting really fucking hard to pretend. But Jasper is the only thing I’m selfish enough to want for myself. He’s also the one thing I’m not selfish enough to take fully.
When it really comes down to it, he deserves better than me. I came from nothing. I am nothing, and while I know he enjoys having sex with me, we could never work out in the long run. I have nothing to offer him, and I know it.
Raising my hand, I knock on his door, my heart hammering in my throat.
It’s almost like he guessed I’d be coming, because no sooner have I dropped my hand than he’s opening the door.
He’s so fucking handsome, and the sight of him always makes my breath catch.
His jaw is strong and angular, dusted with rough stubble, his eyes a clear denim blue.
His hair, while full and thick, is far more salt than pepper.
Bad genetics, he’d once told me. Apparently, his grandpa had gone gray early too.
He’s standing in the open doorway in nothing but a pair of sweats slung low on his hips, his broad chest on full display.
I have to swallow hard a couple of times.
“Arlo,” he says, his voice a low rumble.
“Can I come in?” I somehow manage to ask.
Without a word, he steps back, gesturing for me to enter.
By now, his home is as familiar to me as my own, and wasting no time, I strip down, dropping my clothes throughout his living room as I make my way to his bedroom.
After everything today—waking up early to Salem’s stuff and then my long day at work, since I opened and stayed through close—I just need this. Jasper. I need Jasper. That’s really what it comes down to.
His footsteps echo behind me, and when I’m in his bedroom, I turn, waiting on him.
When he steps into the room, his cock is already swollen, tenting his sweats.
“Should I be offended that you didn’t even say hello?” he asks, quirking a brow at me.
I shrug. He can be whatever he wants as long as he pins me to the bed and fucks all my bad thoughts away. “Should I be offended that I stripped down for you and I’m ready and waiting in your bedroom and you’re just standing there?”
Jasper takes a step toward me. He towers over me, so I tilt my head back to look up at him. Cupping my face with warm hands, he smiles down at me. “You need to be fucked, baby boy?”
Heat coils in my stomach, and my knees go weak. “Please.”
Jasper backs me up until I’m bumping into the bed and falling backward. When I’m sprawled out on it, he kicks my legs apart and crawls over me. It’s almost impossible to breathe with his heavy body draped over mine, but it’s perfect, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
He nuzzles my throat, his breath hot against my already overheated skin.
“You’ve been here three times this week, Arlo,” he murmurs near my ear.
“Are you complaining?”
He shakes his head. “Not at all. Just starting to worry about you.”
I guess I hadn’t realized how I’ve relied on him to drag me back from the abyss on the bad days. And today was a real fucking bad day. “Worried you won’t be able to get it up? I know it’s hard to keep up with someone so much younger.”
He huffs a laugh, then grinds his very hard cock against my thigh. “You think that’s gonna be a problem?”
No. It’s not a problem. Hasn’t been since day one, and probably won’t be for many, many years to come.
I give myself a mental shake. We can’t be doing this in years.
We just can’t be. I’m not sure my heart would survive, for one.
And for two, I’ve gotta get Salem and Nora. That has to be my main priority.
Before I have time to spiral, Jasper slots his lips over mine. My breath catches, and I tangle my fingers in his hair, dragging him closer and melting into his kiss.
He explores my mouth like he hasn’t done it a hundred times over. Like this isn’t a game we’ve already played. Like he doesn’t already know every inch of me. I love it and I hate it and I can’t live without it, but I really fucking need to figure out how.
I didn’t think sex was anything special until I had it with him. I’m not sure if it’s because, unlike my bumbling ex-boyfriends, he’s older and more experienced, or if it’s just because it’s him, and that makes it all better.
His tongue sinks past my lips, then he’s retreating and climbing off me. “Get in the bed and wait for me. I have to grab lube.” At my confused face, he grins. “We used up the bedroom lube last time you were here. I’ve gotta go grab some from the bathroom.”
When he disappears into the bathroom, I adjust, lying in the center of the bed.
He’s not gone long, and when he steps into the room, my eyes snap in his direction. He’s gloriously naked, miles of tan skin on display, his hard cock bobbing between thick thighs with each step he takes toward me.
I could live and breathe for those thighs. Could have my head squeezed between them, popped like a balloon, and thank him for it. He’s just so fucking hot, and his thighs are something all their own.
Opening the cap of the small bottle of lube, he climbs up beside me, grabbing my leg and pushing it back toward my chest. His gaze on my body feels like a caress as he slicks his fingers.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Arlo,” he whispers. “Every time you share yourself with me this way, I can’t believe it.”
I whimper, my body burning hot at the praise. I might not have a lot going for me, but I do have my looks, and something about being under the perusal of Jasper Tate makes me feel all squirmy inside.
“You ready for my fingers, baby boy?”
Like always, his nickname for me makes me all shivery and weak. It doesn’t matter how strong I am outside this room, outside this bed; when Jasper sinks his fingers into me, crooning out baby boy like it’s a prayer directly to God, I’m putty. Weak and pliant and fucking needy.
He reduces me to nothing but whimpers and moans and the burning, aching want to have him fill me. To fall apart on his cock. To be his in every way.
It’s a shame we so rarely get what we want.