Chapter 4
JUNE
Day one is easier than I expect it to be.
After Zivren leaves for work, I make Akkal a nut-butter bun with toasted gruuk petals, which is the island version of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, except the nut is from an alien planet, and instead of jelly it’s a bunch of crispy flower petals that are slightly sweet.
Then we go outside and play with his warrior toys in the sand until the sky turns dark.
I let him listen to two stories on his headphones––a nightly routine with a hard limit of two, according to Zivren––and he conks out immediately after.
The silver box on the family room wall is the island version of a TV, projector, and stereo, I’m pretty sure, but I find it way too intimidating to mess with. Instead I let it play the acoustic music that was on when I arrived as I settle onto the couch beneath a blanket.
Akkal is shy, mostly talking to his toys and not me, but that could also be because he’s an only child. I understand the comfort of remaining inside the safety of your own imagination. When there’s no one else to play with, you are all you’ve got.
That was my life until I turned twelve. My parents were workaholics who likely shouldn’t have had kids at all. Then they died in a car accident.
And nothing turns you into a sovereign soul like entering the foster care system.
My imagination went from a fun place to hang out to my lifeline to sanity.
Every house, every family, every bed was temporary.
I swung from one foster home to the next until I turned eighteen.
It wasn’t until I became a legal adult that I felt like I could finally breathe.
The roots I planted were my own, and I didn’t have to rely on anyone else to provide them.
There’s a mental toughness only children can naturally hone as their brain develops, and it keeps them in check during moments of personal crisis when they grow up.
I can see it in Akkal. In the way he wordlessly crafts entire narratives for his toys without needing any outside feedback.
If he’s deep in play mode, I’m not sure he even notices my presence.
It can look a lot like loneliness from the outside, but I know if I could peek inside his mind, I’d find entire universes thoughtfully constructed and stories for each face that would span centuries.
When your inner world is that bright, it’s next to impossible for the darkness of the outer world to pull you under.
I left Akkal’s bedroom door open wide enough so I could hear him stirring after he fell asleep, but I haven’t heard a peep yet.
As I stretch out on the couch, I make a mental note to bring a change of pajamas with me tomorrow.
Wearing a sleeveless dress seemed like a fine idea at the time, but now that I’m lying down and see how easy it would be for my boob to pop out the side––covered in a bra that’s lacy and see-through, aka useless in terms of coverage—I regret my outfit choice.
I don’t want Zivren walking in to find me like that.
I’m already on thin ice with the drowning and fasuun spill, and despite hiring me, it seems like he’d rather drink a gallon of blood-red sea water than be in the same room with me for too long.
I can’t figure out what it is exactly. Maybe he’s freaked out by humans? Or we give him the ick? Whatever it is, I just know I make him uncomfortable. Hopefully it’s something we can rectify with time.
I wake to the feeling of being poked in the shoulder. Zivren is standing next to the couch, looking down at me with a furrowed brow and his front arms crossed, back hands planted on his hips.
“Hi. Good morning,” I mumble through a yawn, pushing myself up to a seated position. I stretch my arms out, cracking my neck from side to side. “How was your shift?”
“Mm. Fine.”
Okay. I guess that’s all I’m going to get on that topic.
“Akkal was a perfect angel.” I get to my feet and fold the blanket before tossing it on the back of the couch. “So polite and well-behaved. You’re raising a good one, you know.”
That earns me a half-smile. “Yes, he’s a sweet boy.”
I gather my things, and Zivren walks me to the door. He reaches around me, and I take it as an invitation to hug him. I’m so starved for physical touch I lean into it eagerly, wrapping my arms around him and resting my head against his chest.
He pats me on the back once, awkwardly, and I realize he’s not fully hugging me back. “Uh...”
I pull away and see he was aiming for the door, and all the blood in my body rushes to my cheeks. “Sorry. I thought you were,” I gesture with my hands, trying to explain, trying to backtrack, but only making it worse. “Anyway. Sorry.”
I turn to face the door and get the hell out of there when I feel something brush against my ass. Goosebumps race across my skin.
“My apologies!” His tone is frantic, and his eyes are as wide as saucers. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” I was hoping he’d return my apologetic smile. We both touched each other in unplanned, embarrassing ways, which makes us even. But Zivren looks like he’s having a heart attack. “Don’t sweat it. See you tomorrow.”
Day two is light years more comfortable than day one because I come bearing gifts.
I refuse to let any awkwardness from yesterday linger because, if it does, it’ll never die.
Zivren and I need to break out of this funk, so I stopped at the market before coming here and bought a box full of cream buns.
“I thought you’d like a treat before heading into work,” I say, presenting him with the box. Akkal is hopping in place next to me as his dad gives him a cream bun on a small plate. The three of us stand around the kitchen counter and trade delighted moans as we dig into our respective pastries.
Akkal finishes his first and asks if he can go outside and play with his warriors.
Zivren nods, his strong throat working as he swallows. “Only if you wash your hands first.”
I’m mesmerized by the sight of Zivren eating.
The flex of his jaw. The sharp edge to his Adam’s apple as it moves up and down.
The way he tilts his head slightly to the side as he chews and looks at the food in his hand, as if he’s surprised to be enjoying the taste as much as he is.
Then there’s the quick nod of approval after he swallows.
I can almost hear him say, in his signature gruffness, “Good. Quite good.”
I’m dizzy with his approval and don’t realize I’m reaching for the little glob of frosting on the corner of his mouth until I say, “You’ve got a little something…”
He jerks back in shock. I look at the glob on my finger. Yup, I just did that. I acted out an intimate thing only couples and family members do with each other, and I’ve only known him for three goddamn days. Oh, and he’s my boss.
I could remain frozen in fear and remorse just like yesterday, or I could brush it off like it’s no big deal. My nerves fuel my wild chuckle as I bring my finger to my lips and suck the frosting off.
“Mm. Sweet.”
Then I collect our plates and napkins and resolve to busy myself with tidying until he stops looking so scandalized. Because come on. It’s not like I flashed my titties at him.
After a few mumbled statements Zivren heads off to work, and I spend the afternoon outside in the sand with Akkal.
I use some of the glasses and mugs from the kitchen to show him how to build a sandcastle, and he’s fascinated.
He builds his first one completely on his own, beaming with pride at how tall the central tower of his castle is.
Soon there’s an entire kingdom—and a rival kingdom—and using his warriors, he creates a new story about a war between them, the prince the warrior from the rival kingdom loves and vows to rescue from the castle he’s locked in, and I’m smiling so wide my jaw starts to hurt.
I can’t wait for Zivren to see this. To see the brilliant mind of his child at work.
The brilliant child I’m blessed to care for.
I hope I get to keep this job for a very long time.