3. Heather
3
HEATHER
1 4 Years Later…
Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out how people get themselves in such terrible situations, unable to work much, living in terrible, cheap housing such as this apartment block, never quite managing three meals a day, but with this man, it’s obvious. Dear Roger Caine is here because he put himself here. Admittedly, he didn’t have the best start in life growing up with an alcoholic mother and a petty criminal for a father, but I’m not sure that he had to follow in the same footsteps. I’ve never been convinced of that. Just because my dad is a cop, doesn’t mean I followed him. I’m a journalist living out my own dream.
Sure, I might be in a similar line to him right now because we’re both working with criminals, but he’s arresting them and throwing them in jail, whereas I’m interviewing them for a news piece about our current justice system. I’m trying to understand.
“…so, that’s when I ended up robbing cars,” Roger tells me while flicking his cigarette ash onto the floor. I suppose there isn’t any need to respect this carpet because it isn’t what he would choose for himself given half a chance. “But it weren’t because I wanted to. It was because my brother got me into it. He said it was our best chance of surviving. That’s what landed me in jail the first time.” Roger lets out a hoarse laugh. “First time of eight. Longer each time. It’s a nightmare.”
“And, err, why do you think you keep reoffending?” I feel prissy and silly as I ask this, like I’m some out of touch woman who at thirty-one years of age can’t possibly understand the world, but that’s a lot of how I feel right now. “Why not change?”
“Change?” Roger throws his hands up in frustration. “Look at this shit. Look at where I am. The world isn’t geared to help a man like me change. I can’t do it. It’s impossible. Every time I even try to, I get knocked back. It’s a goddamn vicious cycle. People will only ever see me as the untrustworthy guy who’s been in and out of jail, and that’s all I can be. Since this fucking world doesn’t give me a chance, I can’t get out of this hole. I’ll continue to sink lower and lower until I die.”
“That’s…” Shit, I can feel myself getting choked up. “That’s a bleak way to look at life, Roger.”
He shrugs his shoulders dismissively. “While there are cops like Officer Buchan running the system, we’re fucked. He’s too full-on, you know? He never wants to listen to our stories. He assumes that everything is our fault and never takes circumstances on board. Plus, he assumes guilt far too quickly. It means people like me have to live in these shithole apartments among other criminals because that’s all we can get, don’t have the chance to get out of the hole.”
I shift uncomfortably on my chair as Roger brings up my father. There’s a reason my pen name is Lola Rose, especially on jobs such as this one, and it’s because I don’t want to be associated with the ‘best police officer this city has ever seen’, an actual quote from the local media. People like Roger wouldn’t want to talk to me if they knew who he was. It would make my own life so much more challenging. I want my writing identity to be my own. I want to just be me.
I should have known that Dad would come up, though. I bet every person inside this building knows and hates him. To be honest, I’m not too keen on him myself these days. I respect him for being my father, and I do appreciate what he does to keep the streets more crime-free and safer for law-abiding citizens, but I know how he can be when it comes to not giving people a chance. I’ve never forgiven him for taking me away from Landon, for not listening to my wishes, for making it impossible for me to find him until I eventually made it back to the house to find a new family living next door. He lost me the only guy I’ve ever loved, and even nearly fifteen years later, I haven’t recovered. I don’t think I ever will.
“So, are you saying that the arresting procedure could use some reforms?” I ask, trying to keep my head on the story.
“I would prefer it if we all went with the American way , which is supposed to be ‘innocent until proven guilty’.”
“Have you ever ended up in jail for crimes in which you are innocent?” I don’t know if this is something that I’ll be able to publish in my story, but I’m interested all the same. I want to know what Roger has been through in his life.
“Well, no,” he admits in all honesty. That’s almost laughable after the speech he just gave. “But I’m a human, and I don’t think Buchan understands that. He just sees me as vermin, you know? All the guys I’ve spoken to feel the same. It isn’t like I’ve ever hurt or killed anyone. It’s just… well, me trying to survive in a world that wants me long dead. You see?”
I nod slowly, taking this on board. No wonder Roger has a bleak outlook on life. I might too if I were in his shoes. He really does seem to feel that he doesn’t have a place on this planet, which is sad. Especially when he didn’t have a chance from the outset. I know, I know, I always believe that people don’t have to follow in the footsteps of their parents, but I guess it’s hard for people who have nothing. Options are narrowed and limited, just like they might be for Landon Ross…
Roger Caine talks some more, now focusing on an uninteresting story about his brother who was falsely arrested, according to him, anyway, and I allow my brain to wander. I try not to allow it to happen too much these days because it feels a bit tragic to still fixate on my childhood sweetheart who was clearly never meant to be mine, but unfortunately, no one else has ever compared. I’ve dated, even been in semi-long-term relationships, but something has always been missing. Without even meaning to, everyone was compared to Landon, but no one has ever matched up. I don’t think anyone ever will.
In a moment of weakness, when I was worried that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life forever, I tried to search for Landon online. I didn’t want to because it seemed like he hadn’t ever looked for me, so clearly, I wasn’t as missed as him. I also didn’t want to find out about his wonderful life with his wife and kids who aren’t anything to do with me, but I searched…
And searched and searched, coming up with nothing. Nothing at all. It’s like he fell off the face of the Earth completely, or maybe he never existed at all and I made him up. Either way, finding and locating Landon Ross isn’t in the cards for me.
Although I often wonder what would have happened if we’d stayed. If Landon’s parents weren’t into crime, or whatever the hell they were doing, and we were just allowed to be happy and together. Would we have gone to college together as planned? Would we have survived that time and gone on to be happy after? Or would life have torn us apart?
I can’t imagine anything breaking us, but I suppose that’s because all I have left are memories. Nothing can destroy memories. It’s nice to imagine us with our white picket fence and happy family now, though, especially when I’m alone.
I need to listen to Georgia and start dating again, I think sadly to myself as my heart aches. I can’t live in the past forever.
Georgia is my work colleague who wants us to do double dates together so it’s safer, but I’ve been avoiding it so far so I don’t get burned again, so I’m not disappointed by some other man, but if I don’t at least try , then I really will be by myself forever. I just need to get Landon out of my mind and stop trying to exist in some fairy tale. I need to accept imperfections.
Oh, God, I feel weepy and emotional already and I haven’t even gone on one date yet. The sad part is I think that I don’t ever want to fully commit to someone because that’s shutting the open-ended door on my teenage romance for good, and that is just tragic. I can’t live in hope that Landon will come back to me for any longer because it’s never going to happen.
“Hey, are you okay, Lola?” Roger’s concern brings me back into the room. “Sorry, my story is a bit depressing, isn’t it? I didn’t mean to make you cry, though. Hey, you just wait here and I’ll get you some tissues, you hear me?”
I want to tell Roger to stop, that I’m not actually crying, but at the same time, I want a little moment alone to gather myself up, so I let him leave me. He swings his apartment door open and leaves it that way while he hunts me down some tissues, leaving me to hastily wipe away any sad tears which threaten to tear me apart. Honestly, this is silly. Over an eighteen-year-old boy.
“Hey, Rog, you finished with the journo now?” A male voice, followed be an imposing figure, strolls into the room. “I was talking to Sticks before, and he was saying about a new bar just down the road which might be good for…”
His voice trails off, his eyes open wide, and I’m pretty sure that mine are the same. This isn’t just in my head anymore. This isn’t just me imagining the past. It’s here, standing in front of me, looking at me like I’m an alien or something.
“Fuck me, Heather Buchan, is that you? You look different all grown up, you know.” He runs his eyes all over me, a little too hungrily for my liking. Now I feel like a kid again and I want to be treated like one too. “Yeah, you look all good now.”
“B–Bill Ross,” I stammer as my blood runs ice cold. This is not the member of Landon’s family I planned to run into. “What… erm, what are you doing here? I just…” I leap up, ready to gather up my things. “You know, I think I might be done with Roger now, so you can do whatever you were planning on. Tell him thank you for his time and everything.”
“No, wait.” Bill rests a hand on my shoulder to stop me in my tracks. I shouldn’t, but I freeze. “Me and you haven’t seen one another for years. Let’s catch up. I thought you were called Lila Jasmine or something. If I had known that it was you…” His eyes sparkle with something that I don’t quite recognize. “My God, I bet you’re dying to know what happened to that old boyfriend of yours, aren’t you? Even if you’re married and shit now. You will want to know where Landon is. That’s just human nature, isn’t it? To want to know what happened to those in the past. Shit, you should come and catch up with me.”
Damn it, I do want to know, but this is a bad idea, isn’t it? It screams of a terrible plan. Bill Ross looks nothing like the version of him that I used to know. I could easily believe that this man is a criminal. Oh, God, what the hell do I do?