Chapter 11 Tess
Tess
The sun felt hotter than usual today. Oppressive and scorching, like it knew I was about to do something I didn’t want to and was punishing me further. My fingers curled around the metal fencing of the paddock while sweat trickled down my back.
I had my first equine therapy session in a few minutes, but I didn’t see Delilah anywhere.
I did some research, trying to prepare for this kind of thing, and it pretty much sounded like I’d be doing all the chores I did growing up while talking about my feelings.
Which didn’t sound very appealing, but Delilah was going out of her way to do this for me, so I couldn’t say no.
Movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention.
When I turned, I found Emmett walking out of the barn with Delilah right behind him.
Delilah had her hands on her hips, glaring up at him in the bright light that made her hair look like fire.
I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it looked tense.
Their interactions always carried a certain edge, though, even when we were kids.
Their personalities just clashed too much.
Delilah looked in my direction, doing a double-take when she saw me. She waved me over. “Ready for me to dig around in that big brain of yours?” She grinned, eyes flashing with her usual playfulness. It seemed her bad mood was reserved just for my brother.
“That sounds morbid,” I chuckled. I glanced at Emmett, and he was scowling at Delilah like she’d just keyed his truck. “What are you doing here?”
“I just dug around in his…not so big brain,” Delilah answered for him with a smirk.
He just grunted, not giving her the satisfaction of a reaction. “I’ve been seeing her for two weeks now.” And he didn’t look the least bit happy about it either.
My head reared back, glancing between them. “Really?” I couldn’t believe it. “I thought you didn’t want anything to do with therapy.”
He looked down at the ground. “You know what they say…desperate times and all that.” He cleared his throat before his eyes flicked up to mine, clearly done with this conversation. “Where’s Luke?”
“Inside with Claire.” He nodded and headed off in that direction without another word.
“Great manners on that one,” Delilah grumbled once he was out of earshot. “I’ve met more polite drug dealers.”
My head turned so fast I was surprised I didn’t get whiplash. “Where exactly are you meeting drug dealers?” God, I sounded like such a mom.
She laughed, the sound low and raspy. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” she said with a wink and slung an arm around my shoulder, walking me into the barn. “You ready to get started?”
My stomach twisted while my body moved on autopilot with hers. “I guess so.”
“When was the last time you were in here?” Delilah asked while I trailed beside her. Her stride was long, confident, and hard to keep up with.
“A long time. Right after Daddy died,” I murmured, glancing around the barn I grew up in.
Unwanted memories of him came flooding in, ones I’d been avoiding since I was eighteen.
My dad had been my best friend, especially after Emmett left for the Army when I was thirteen.
And when he died, something broke in me.
Something I was still trying to fix, even though I didn’t know how.
Delilah opened a stall and went inside. “I figured.” She came back out with a horse, an older gray mare named Willow. I knew she was gentle from my childhood, but her size still made me take a few steps back.
Delilah glanced over at me. “You look tense. What are you feeling right now?” Great. She was using her therapist voice on me already.
“I’m fine,” I replied.
She sighed, crossing her arms while she gave me a knowing look. “This isn’t going to work unless you’re honest with me.” She gave some slack in Willow’s lead and came over to me. “This is your show, you decide what happens here, but my only rule is you have to be honest. You’re safe with me.”
My heart pounded behind my sternum, my muscles tight. I knew she was right, and I didn’t want to waste either of our time, but I also didn’t want to admit the horse was freaking me out, and I didn’t know why. Willow wasn’t even doing anything, just standing there, her tail swishing lightly.
“I’m…scared.” Heat crawled up my neck. “And I don’t really know why.”
“What is the worst thing you think could happen right now?” Her hand was running along Willow’s flank, the other holding her lead.
My eyes flicked away from the horse to her. “What do you mean?”
“You’re scared for a reason. Do you think something bad is going to happen? Is it because you haven’t been around horses for a while? Getting to the root of your fear will displace it.” She sounded so…non-Delilah. I didn’t know how to feel about it.
“I don’t know,” I said, truly not understanding the fear I felt. The horse was old, docile. But for some reason, it was like I was waiting for her to snap. “Maybe because I hadn’t been around them in a while, like you said?” I shrugged.
Delilah nodded, looking over Willow. “Horses can be unpredictable,” she said.
“They notice changes in our breathing, posture, and even tiny shifts in muscle tone. They get easily spooked and react quickly. How does it feel to be noticed that way?” Willow’s ears flicked, her dark eyes on me almost as if she understood what Delilah was saying and wanted to drive the point harder.
“Not good.” It was all I could manage. Sweat trickled down my back, my heart racing.
I hadn’t expected this to be so intense right off the bat, or to feel so exposed.
It was like Delilah had seen past every defense I’d built and saw just how damaged I was, only to start poking at those rotten parts of me.
“Kind of a walking on eggshells feeling, right?” I nodded. “Have you ever felt like this before now?”
“With Jeremy,” I whispered, my voice shaking. “I hate it.”
“That’s a valid feeling. Let’s not push through it, and make it worse, though,” she said. “Instead, I want you to focus on your feet.”
My face pulled in with a frown, looking at her. “My feet?”
“I know it sounds stupid, but trust me. Imagine stepping into a bath, a good one, with bubbles, candles, and a fat glass of wine. Picture the warm water slowly moving up your ankles, your calves. Unlock your knees. You’ve been standing like you’re bracing for impact.
No one is going to hit you here; Willow and I love baths. ”
My mouth twitched with a smile. I let out a shaky breath, deciding to trust her and go along with it even if it sounded crazy.
“Look at Willow’s side, and how her ribs move when she breathes. Slow and steady. Good, deep inhales like when you’re smelling a hot guy’s cologne, and you can’t get enough.” I couldn’t help but laugh that time. Willow shifted toward me, and I immediately tensed again.
“You’re okay. Match her breathing, Tessie,” Delilah said. “In through your nose, out through your mouth, just like her. No rush.”
I inhaled, held it a moment, then let it go. Willow’s next exhale was long and loose, and I followed. My shoulders eased almost against my will, the tension leaving my body.
“How do you feel now?” she asked.
“Still on edge,” I admitted. “But it’s not overwhelming anymore. It’s like it’s in the background.”
“That’s a good start,” Delilah said softly. “We have to retrain your body that not every moment is an attack waiting to happen. Like Willow, if she gets startled, she checks her surroundings, and if nothing’s wrong, she settles. You can do that, too.”
I nodded. “It’s so hard,” I whispered, feeling emotional for some reason.
“I know. But you can do hard things, bug. I believe in you.”
I let out a shaky breath, my chin quivering. “Let’s keep going.”
I was exhausted by the time I left the barn. It felt like I’d been in there for hours instead of just one. Claire was walking a horse in the paddock, but stopped when she saw us. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Delilah and I replied, my voice more worn down than hers.
“How was it?” my sister asked, glancing between Delilah and me.
“Hard,” I sighed. “A lot harder than I expected.” I thought it would’ve been like all the other conversations Delilah and I had had lately, and I was woefully underprepared.
Delilah cracked open the cooler and pulled out a beer. She angled the bottle cap against the paddock and smacked down on the top of it, prying the cap off. “She was amazing, just like I knew she would be.”
“Think you have too much faith in me,” I grumbled with a pathetic chuckle.
“No such thing.” She pressed the bottle to her lips. “You’re a lot more receptive than your jackass brother, that’s for sure.”
Claire snorted, grabbing a beer for herself. “Emmett’s mind is locked down like Fort Knox.”
“Try Fort Knox cracked out on ‘roids.”
Claire and I laughed, watching the bay horse she was training nibble on some grass. “How’s the custody stuff going?” Claire asked.
“Slow. Levi sent off everything to Jeremy, and we’re just waiting for the next hearing in three weeks.”
“Is that safe? Can he find you?” Delilah asked.
I picked at my nails, remembering Levi’s words from the day we met.
“No. Levi promised he wouldn’t find me because of that.
Jeremy’s hired a PI, though, so…” I shrugged a shoulder.
“It’s just a matter of time before he pops up and ruins everything.
” I couldn’t think about it for too long or I’d get lost in a spiral.
“We won’t let him get to you,” Delilah said, while Claire nodded, rubbing my back.
“How are…other things?” Claire asked. My eyes narrowed. “With you and Levi,” she explained. “After the lunch you stormed out of.”
My stomach dipped, and I shook my head. “I didn’t storm out. I just…left.”
“I’ll warm up my throwing arm,” Delilah said, with a near-feral look in her eyes.
“No, it’s not like that.” I rested my arm on the railing and sighed. “He just told me the stuff about Sterling, and it caught me off guard. But I shouldn’t have left like I did. It was stupid of me.”