44. Adrian
Ialways feel like a fucking creep, staring at Nevaeh while she’s fast asleep in my arms, but I also can’t bring myself to stop.
A satisfied little smile lingers on her full lips, making one slip onto mine. I put it there. Her happy, “I just got fucked until I passed out” expression is there because of me, and my heart is racing at the thought.
Sex has always been about pleasure for me. Feelings were never present, and I had no clue how differently it would feel with someone I feel this way about. I had no idea that the connection I share with Nevaeh would end in the best orgasms I’ve ever had.
Her tight walls wrapped around me while she repeated my name over and over gave me something I’ve never experienced, never thought I would in a billion years either.
It gave me a safe space.
Nevaeh is my safe space.
My fingertips run over her soft cheek, memorizing every single birthmark, freckle, mole, little vein, anything I can see in my dark bedroom. I try to make sense of my feelings, but I’m so lost, so new to all of this, I have no idea what any of them mean.
Nevaeh giggles when I kiss her? My knees go weak.
She leans into me and inhales my scent like her life depends on it? My heart explodes into a million colors of joy.
She sighs out of happiness? I’m a goner.
I’m so desperately wrapped around her finger, my chest hurts when I’m not near her.
What does that mean?
And more importantly, what the hell happened to me?
That question resurfaces less frequently now than it did a few months ago, but I still have no answer for it. Just last year, I was set on growing old by myself. Well, myself and James since he has been too in love with Val to notice other women.
I thought that’d be it.
We’d sit on our veranda, looking back at the exciting life we had as race car drivers. Now he has a son, and I found a woman I don’t ever want to let go of again.
Her eyelids flutter, a little moan leaving her. I want to lean down and kiss her because of it, but I also don’t want to wake her. It’s been a long, emotionally and physically exhausting day for her, and she needs to rest.
My thumb glides over her bottom lip, which is slightly thinner than her top one, tracing the shape until I’m hoping it’ll never leave my memory. Who am I kidding? Nothing about this woman will ever leave my mind.
Every moment with her turns into a core memory.
Just like right now.
Doing something as simple as studying the way her steady breathing pushes her chest against mine every few seconds is perfect. I drop my fingers to her stomach, finding a new area to memorize. My thumb brushes over her stretch marks down to the ones near her belly button. I suck in a sharp breath before trailing over the lines of indents near her hips.
Stretch marks.
Such simple things, insecurities for most women because of society’s stupid expectations, but they’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on Nevaeh. Just like the scar on her right shoulder, which is the next area I trace. Her biggest insecurity is my second favorite place on her body. It’s a physical representation of her strength and determination.
I’ll never get tired of looking at it.
How could I?
Another little moan leaves her, and I smile. She’s so happy and I’m the cause. I’m right for her, and I have never been right for anyone in my life. My sister is the only exception, but I was raised to be everything she could ever need. With James, Leonard, Cameron, and Gabriel it’s different, too. They keep me around because I’m funny and like them enough to do anything for them. Fine, love them enough to give my life for them if it comes down to it.
But with Nevaeh?
Nothing makes sense. I don’t constantly have to work to be everything she wants. I don’t have to offer her the world. I want to do all of those things. It comes naturally to me because she makes life easier. She’s made breathing easier since I met her all those months ago. The sexy, proud smirk on her face as she studied her photos. Her gorgeous body was covered in so many layers, that I chuckled at the time. Her face was so bright and glowing, I didn’t even have time to fixate on anything else.
“Adrian,” she mumbles in her sleep, and I inch closer to her. Fuck, my name falling from her lips sounds so different than when anyone else uses it. It sounds so much better.
“I’m here,” I whisper, and the tension that briefly entered her shoulders washes away.
“Cold,” she says, but I doubt she’ll remember any of this tomorrow because she’s mostly asleep.
I reach behind me for the shirt I was wearing before I went to the event, and somehow, and I have no idea how, manage to place it on her naked chest without waking her.
She snuggles against me at the same moment my phone starts to vibrate on my nightstand. I snatch it off the wood before it wakes… my girlfriend.
Damn, I like that way too much.
“What?” I hiss into the phone without looking at the caller ID. A deep voice rumbles through the speaker.
“Open the front door, arsehole. I have questions,” Leonard’s familiar voice drowns into the speaker, but I have to hold the phone away to make sure I’m not imagining this.
“Are you having a laugh?” I say, imitating his English accent while I use a phrase he loves to say to me. “It’s two in the morning. I’m not opening the door for you,” I blurt out, but I’m also already slipping out of bed.
He won’t go away until I let him in and give him answers.
“Do you have a beer cold?” he asks, and I walk over to my fridge, pulling out one of the ones I bought for Nevaeh, in case she ever decided to stay over again. Nova told me Nevaeh likes a good German beer, and I will always have what she needs.
“You’re one persistent and annoying person, mate,” I say as I open the door and shove the beer into his hand. He takes a sip before even entering my apartment, making his way toward my balcony and placing his finger over his lips.
“Come on, we don’t want to wake the poor thing you’ve somehow managed to deceive,” he replies in a whisper, and I nudge him in the ribs so hard, he lets out a strained breath. “I was just teasing. Bloody hell. No need for violence.” He takes another swig, his throat working as the liquid shoots down.
“Well, it wasn’t fucking funny,” I retort, walking over to the table and sitting down. My eyes shift to the cocoon chair, the memory of Nevaeh with her head in my lap replaying before I can stop it.
A bright smile slips onto my face.
“Sorry, I’ve just been where you are now, except I didn’t give up the life of a fuckboy for the woman I love,” he says, and the smile vanishes, irritation replacing it on my face.
“I’m not giving up anything. I’m getting everything by being with Nevaeh.” His jaw drops a little at my angry tone. I’ve never, ever raised my voice at Leonard. I respect him more than anyone else because of his experiences. He’s lived longer than me, seen more things than I have, and is an irreplaceable friend. “How do you even know Nevaeh and I are… something?” I can’t tell him we’re going to date in secret if he knows nothing yet.
“Because it’s clear as fucking day, Adrian. I saw you two at the event, I know you left together.” He cocks a brow, and I hide a frown by running my hand over my face. That’s not good. “Don’t worry, Val told me about Nevaeh’s job. I will take this to my grave,” he promises, and I know he’s good for it.
Leonard doesn’t tell anyone about people’s personal lives, including his own.
“I’m surprised you didn’t tell me your feelings were so strong. You usually ask me for advice,” he says and fakes a pout. I roll my eyes at him, but he merely returns to his scowling expression as he sips his beer. Grumpy old man.
“All you need to know is we’re going to date in secret, but I’ve never been happier.” Leonard’s brown eyes stare into mine from the other side of the table.
“You’ve changed,” he says, pressing his lips together to fight back a smile.
“I don’t know why you’re so surprised. You changed completely after you started dating Chiara.” The mention of her name makes his eyes twinkle.
“Yes, she warmed up my life and made me smile, but I wasn’t the one who swore off relationships until I reached my grave,” he says, and the reminder of that conversation sends a shiver down my spine.
“That was before Nevaeh,” I mumble.
“Maybe, but it doesn’t change that if you’re not one hundred percent sure, you’re going to break that girl’s heart by pretending you are,” Leonard says, and I look up at him.
“Her heart is not the one that’s in danger of being ripped to shreds,” I reply, staring out at the ocean and sucking in a sharp breath to gather courage for what I haven’t admitted out loud to anyone yet. “Mine is.”