Chapter 12 #2
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Ryker jokes, totally indifferent to the fact that I am silently fuming next to him.
I’m quiet for the rest of the interview, and when it’s over, I leave the stage as quickly as I can. I’m ready to explode, and if they aren’t careful, it will be all over them. I can’t ruin our reputation before we even begin, but that was fucked up.
As soon as I pass that curtain, I storm away. I hear my bandmates running after me, but I need to be alone right now. Wiping my mouth, I find the glitter from his lips on my fingers, and that only pisses me off more.
“Fox, what the hell?” Ryker snaps as he grabs my arm and spins me. The staff members quickly scurry away, leaving just us, Dash, and Strike, who watch us anxiously. “What is wrong with you?”
“With me? What is wrong with you?” I yell, and he recoils. “I’m not some fucking prop for you to use, Ryker. I’m a person with feelings, and they can be hurt.”
“What are you talking about?” he mutters, looking around. “Let’s talk outside.”
“No, let’s talk here,” I snap as I advance on him, glaring down at him.
How could I love a man like this? “You can’t kiss me on TV for fun.
It isn’t funny to me, okay? It isn’t a joke!
When someone you . . . someone you . . .
” Fuck. I clench my teeth, unable to say it.
“Steals your first kiss like that, it’s fucked up, Ryker, like it’s another game, another marketing strategy.
Well, it isn’t for me, okay? Being kissed means something to me—it should have meant something—but now it’s tainted and ruined and wrong. ”
“Fox . . .” He swallows hard, his eyes wide as he stares at me. “I’m sorry. I just?—”
“You’re always fucking sorry. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you using me to sell yourself. We wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me, but do you care? No. I’m just another thing for you, like an outfit you put on and then discard when it’s over, but I’m done. I’m so tired of it all.”
Turning away, I rip off the stupid shirt. “Fox, wait!” I hear the panic in his voice, but I avoid his grabbing arms. “Please! Please, I’m sorry! Wait! Let me explain.” It’s too late.
I stop with my back to them. “I can’t do this.”
“What?” There is pain in his voice, but I don’t care anymore.
“Fox!” Dash and Strike call for me, but I avoid them, striding toward the exit. What I said is true. I can’t do this anymore. I thought I could.
I thought it would be okay to be in love with him but never with him, as long as I was still in his life, but I was wrong. I can’t be in love with Ryker and in his life. It hurts too much, and in the end, all it does is keep breaking my heart, and I’m done.
It’s the last straw.
I head out into the city. I need to get away from them.
My phone hasn’t stopped ringing, but I turn it off. I don’t know why I’m here, but when the apartment door opens and Team stands in the doorframe, I can’t deny that I’m happy to see his face.
I need someone who understands, and he’s all I have.
Maybe it’s my jumbled emotions or the realization that I’m done, but I just stare at him.
“Do you want to come in?” he asks softly. “Fox, are you?—”
Stepping across the threshold, I grab his face. “Don’t talk,” I order as I press my lips to his. I need to replace Ryker’s taste with someone else’s. I need to get the sick, used feeling out of me with someone who actually wants me.
I need to taste want, not indifference.
I guide him backwards and kick the door shut behind us.
He hits the wall, and my hand slips into his hair as his mouth opens, and my tongue sweeps in, tangling with his.
Swallowing his moan, I kiss him harder as his hands slide down my body, grabbing my ass and dragging me closer so there isn’t an inch of room between us.
I feel every solid inch of his dick, even through his shorts.
“Bedroom?” I pant against his lips.
“That way,” he rasps, and our lips crash together as I back him through the apartment. We stumble, and something breaks, but we don’t move apart as we eat at each other so hard it hurts. When he falls backwards onto something soft, I come down on top of him.
His hands glide across my back and down into my pants so he can grip my ass through my boxers. The whole time, my mouth destroys his. It’s a brutal, hard kiss—a punishment.
That realization startles me. Team keeps kissing me, totally unaware, tugging me to the cradle of his hips, but my desire has gone cold.
I’m punishing him like he’s Ryker.
I’m using him like Ryker used me, and it makes me feel so fucking shitty.
I pull back, and his eyelids flutter open. “Fox.”
The way he sighs my name only increases my guilt.
I’m not in a relationship, but I feel like I’m cheating.
Flopping back on the bed, I cover my face. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
When I pull away, I spy glitter on Team’s lips, and I feel nauseous. It’s from Ryker. If I fuck Team, I would think of Ryker the entire time. It’s wrong. I can’t replace the person I want with him. It isn’t fair to either of them.
He’s quiet for a moment. I glance over at him to see him smiling at me. “Okay.” He lies next to me, still breathing heavily, but he doesn’t push it.
“I’m so fucked up. I’m sorry for messing with you.”
“Hey, I got one of the best kisses of my life. I’m not complaining.” He turns his head to meet my gaze, and we both burst into laughter. Reaching over, he wipes a finger across my mouth where I’m sure my makeup is smeared. “Want to talk about it?”
“No? Yes?” I throw my hand over my face again. “I’m a mess.”
“Everybody is,” he replies, and I glance over at him again. “Nobody is perfect. Nobody has it all together. Life is messy, and that’s the beauty in it. We’re humans, so we make mistakes and try again. We keep trying until we get it right.” He arches an eyebrow. “You love him.”
My eyes widen as I freeze, and he laughs. “I suspected it when you carried him from the bar. The way you looked at him . . . I’d kill to have someone look at me like that. Does he know?”
I shake my head, and he sighs. “And therein lies the problem. It’s called communication, Fox. Why don’t you try it? Tell him you love him.”
“Then I’ll lose him,” I murmur.
“So? At least you’d stop hurting yourself and tying yourself in knots, right?” He glances over at me. “Fuck anyone else, fuck losing him. How do you know if you don’t even try? It’s just an excuse.”
“I can’t. We signed a deal. He can’t be mine,” I admit as I stare at the ceiling.
“But you want him to be?” he asks softly, as if leading me to the truth.
“More than anything, but it’s all so . .
. twisted between us now,” I reply. “We keep hurting each other. I keep letting him break my heart over and over, and he’s oblivious.
I have to watch him come home night after night, smelling of others.
I have to let him touch and tease me for cameras like it doesn’t make my heart ache.
I have to pretend I don’t love him for the sake of our band and his dream. ”
“Hmm, complicated,” he remarks, and I grin.
“What?” He chuckles. “I don’t have all the answers, but if I were him, I’d want to know.
You need to figure it out together. If you feel like you can’t tell him and that you two can never be together, then you need to find a way to get over him.
Unrequited love benefits no one. It only hurts you, and you deserve to be happy, Fox.
You deserve to be in love, not feeling like this. ”
“I don’t think I could ever love anyone else,” I say as I glance at him. “I know it’s stupid, but I’m so tired of love, so tired of hurting. It’s left me numb and empty. I don’t think I could ever love anyone else the way I love Ryker. I used everything I have on him. There’s nothing left.”
“Then you need to heal yourself. Fill yourself back up so there is something left before you love anyone else. Your partner deserves that, and you can’t love anyone while you’re hurting.
Love should be healing. It should be a safe harbor to dock in.
It should be . . . home. Not this,” Team reasons as he reaches over and squeezes my hand.
“I might be a stranger to you, but even I can see it, Fox. You try so hard for everyone, but do they do the same? Everything you said has been to protect Ryker, but what about you?”
“There is no me without him,” I respond as I glance at him. “That makes me sound crazy, right?”
“A little bit, but not in a bad way. Like I said, I would kill for someone to love me the way you love him. He doesn’t realize how lucky he is.
” He holds my hand as we stare at each other.
“Love shouldn’t hurt. Either fight for it or let it go.
You know it’s time. That’s why you came here, right? To move on?”
“Yes,” I answer.
“And you couldn’t?”
I shake my head, and he smiles.
“Then fight for it. Tell him directly. Tell the world. Don’t ask for forgiveness, just act.
We only get one life, Fox. Do you want to spend it pining and wishing?
None of it will matter when death comes, so live for now while you still can.
If it ends badly, so fucking what? At least you had a love so bright, you’ll always remember it, but don’t just linger—make each day count. ”
“I think whoever gets to be loved by you will be lucky,” I murmur.
“I know it.” He grins widely. “Too bad I haven’t found them yet.”
“Do you think there’s a chance for us?” I ask after a while.
“I think anything is possible if you want it enough. The question, Fox, is if you will go for it.”
“I think . . . someone who loved me wouldn’t hurt me like this, and I don’t know if I can forgive him enough to try.”
“Then you need to figure it out,” he says. “Come on, let’s have a drink and some food, then you can go back and decide what you will do. This can be your refuge, your attack command center.” He smiles at me so sweetly, I want to cry.
It would be easy to love a man like him, but he isn’t Ryker.