Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
A ll we do is practice. Fox and I barely speak, but we say a thousand words with our eyes. We sleep, eat, and breathe the set until it’s considered perfect. His new song has ripped me to pieces. It’s so raw. It’s a confession, and I don’t know how to react because of the end.
He told me to let him go, and I can’t do that.
Is Team right? Am I a coward?
Am I too late?
I’m lost and hurt and more confused than ever. No one else notices as we file into the restaurant. We start the tour tomorrow, so Po gave us tonight off and a private meal to celebrate. I sit heavily in my seat, Po on my right, no one on my left.
Fox sits between Dash and Strike opposite us, laughing at a joke they told. He’s oblivious to my suffering.
Drinks are served, and while we wait for our food, Po goes live and films us interacting and talking about the upcoming tour, trying to get everyone hyped for it.
I use the camera as an excuse to walk around the table and drape my arms around Fox and Dash as I speak, but Fox shrugs me off, and I slink back to my seat, feeling like a scolded child. He pulled away, yet he plays it off.
The camera is finally turned off, and I’m in a terrible mood as I play with my knife while the others dig into their food.
He doesn’t once look at me during the meal. He laughs and jokes with everyone, eating and talking, but he doesn’t look at me at all.
I want to scream to get his attention.
I want him to look into my eyes and tell me everything is fine . . . that nothing has changed. Please just look at me , I plead silently, but he doesn’t hear me and his gaze doesn’t turn to me.
He used to check on me all the time before, when I was the center of his world, but I’m not anymore, and I hate it.
I don’t feel complete without his eyes on me.
He leans into Dash, laughing hard at something he said.
That laugh usually makes mine burst from my chest, but tonight mine is tight, too tight to feel anything other than pain and concern.
Something has changed dramatically between us, and I don’t know what or even how to fix it. I don’t even know what this unspoken thing between us is. We aren’t dating. I’m not his, and he isn’t mine, yet the space between us hurts so badly.
The idea that I might have lost him for good terrifies me.
I can barely breathe, never mind eat, as my eyes stay locked on him. My whole body is hot as I try to slow my breathing. My eyes start to burn and my stomach clenches in agony, yet no one notices. No one says a thing.
No one sees that I’m dying inside.
Not even him.
I’ve lost him.
The sudden realization hits me like a truck. All the time we spent dancing around this, resisting and pulling away, has finally caught up to us, and Fox has walked away. He stopped fighting.
He let me go, and it’s killing me.
I’m a bastard, I broke what we had, but I need him to fix it—fix me. I’m not myself without him.
The rest of the meal is a blur, and as we walk outside. I’m at the rear, my head lowered. I’m exhausted and so fucking tired of it all. I just want him to hold me and tell me it will be okay, but I don’t deserve it.
“Fox, where are you going? The car is this way.” Dash laughs, and I jerk my head up to see Fox with his hands in his pockets, turned toward an idling car.
“Ah, I’m going to meet with a friend. I won’t be back late,” he says.
“Okay, no drinking or partying. Be back in time to leave,” Po warns.
“Yes, sir!” Fox jokes as he waves at us. The others turn and hurry back to our car since it’s starting to rain, but I watch Fox. I should walk away, but I can’t.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” I call to him as he heads toward his car. They’re the first words I have spoken all night, and when his eyes land on me, I can finally breathe again.
I see flashing lights and glance over to spot paparazzi, but I ignore them as I look back at Fox.
“Of course. It’s the start of the tour.” He shrugs. “Get home safe, Ryker.” He turns away, leaving me staring. I want to run after him. I want to demand he touch me again . . . love me again, but it’s cruel.
As I watch him drive away, the first tear begins to fall, and I know I would do anything, give up all this fame, money, and publicity, to go back to the way we were, sleeping in vans and cheap hotels.
I’d do anything to be going home with him.
Instead, I’m left standing there, cameras trained my way as I try to hold back the heartbreak inside.