Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
ABBEY
The subway rattles beneath me, the rhythmic clatter of wheels on the tracks somehow louder than usual. Or maybe I’m just exhausted.
I lean my head against the cold metal of the seat and stare at the flickering overhead lights. The train is packed with bodies pressed against each other, the air heavy with the smell of sweat. The hum of conversation buzzes in my ears, everything too loud for my taste.
I close my eyes and try to picture Sycamore Falls. The quiet streets lined with shops and smiling faces. The rustling of the wind through the trees, carrying with it a sense of peace and tranquility. The distant sound of the frogs croaking in the middle of the night, their melodic tune lulling me to sleep.
For a second, I can almost smell the clean air. Can taste the rich, frothy beer on my tongue. Can feel the soft whisper of Jude’s lips against my skin.
All too soon, the subway jerks to a stop, and the sound of the doors hissing open brings me crashing back to reality. I sigh and pull myself to my feet, my legs heavy as I follow the mass of people spilling out onto the platform.
When I emerge onto the street, the city is alive around me, even at this late hour. The relentless frenzy of traffic and conversation surrounds me, reminding me I’m only one small piece in this massive puzzle.
I keep my head lowered, trying to block out the noise, but it’s impossible. Everything’s louder here. Bigger. Like the city is always moving. Always demanding attention.
I hurry past concrete building after concrete building, each one looming high above, cutting into the night sky like jagged teeth. It’s all so overwhelming. This place. This life I’ve been trying to convince myself I want.
Yet, all I can think about is how much I miss the quiet. The open space. The stars sparkling brightly in the night sky over Sycamore Falls.
I miss the way time seemed to slow down there, like you could actually breathe. Like you had room to think.
I miss walking down the street, everyone I ran into welcoming and friendly, even if they were complete strangers.
But more than anything I miss him .
I cross the street, dodging a group of tourists huddled together, staring up at the skyline in awe. There was a time I felt that way whenever I visited a big city. The excitement, the energy — it all seemed so full of possibilities with a new adventure around every corner.
Now it just feels hollow. Like I’m running on autopilot, going through the motions without really feeling anything.
Like I don’t belong.
As I turn the corner onto my block, I pass a bar with people spilling out of it, laughter echoing in the air. It reminds me of Jude’s taproom, though nothing here could ever feel as warm or welcoming. I quicken my pace, wanting nothing more than to escape the noise, the crowds. I just want to be alone, to shut everything out.
When I reach my building, I glance up at the windows — rectangles stacked on top of each other, all full of people living their lives in a city that’s swallowed me whole.
Fumbling for my keys, I find them and unlock the door, heading for the elevator. It’s a slow climb to the sixth floor when all I want to do is crawl into bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.
But when the elevator finally opens into the hallway and I step out, I come to an abrupt stop when my gaze falls on a figure sitting outside of my apartment.
His head rests against the wall, his eyes closed. He looks worn, his usually sharp features softened by something I can’t quite put my finger on. He looks so out of place here, making me think I must be dreaming.
“Jude?” I whisper, worried the dream will end and he’ll disappear the second I speak.
But that’s not what happens.
Instead, he jumps to his feet, his deep brown eyes locking on mine. For a moment, we simply stare at each other in silence. I can’t find the words, too stunned, too overwhelmed by the sight of him here, in this city, outside my door.
Then I notice the bandages on his hands, and I rush toward him, grabbing them in mine without thinking. It doesn’t matter how much he hurt me. I’ll always care about him.
“What happened? Was there an accident at the brewery?”
“I got into a fight with a crib.” He chuckles, the raspy sound hitting me in places I wish wouldn’t react to him. “I guess you could say the crib won. Or maybe I’ve been letting the crib win for too long now.”
I release him, shaking my head. “I don’t?—”
“Can we go inside and talk?” Jude interrupts, gesturing toward my apartment. “There are things you deserve to hear, and I’d rather your neighbors not have a front-row seat.”
“Sure.” I turn toward my door and unlock it, hyperaware of his presence mere inches away as we step inside.
Flicking on the light, I lead him into my tiny studio apartment. Since this building is mainly used for short-term rentals, it lacks any personal touch or charm — plain white walls with art prints you’d probably find at a medical office.
“Nice place,” Jude remarks, breaking the silence.
“It’s awful,” I shoot back as I drop my bag onto the floor. “I’ll find something better eventually.”
I toe out of my flats and shrug off my suit jacket, draping it over one of the barstools by the kitchen peninsula.
“How did you find me?”
“Dylan.”
“Of course.” I laugh nervously, unsure how to act around him, all things considered.
“I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me,” he admits, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “But I had to come.”
“Why?”
“Because I fucked up, Abbey.”
“Is this about your fight with the crib or…”
“This is about us,” he says, grabbing my hands in his.
“Us?” I swallow hard, my heart hammering in my chest.
He takes a deep breath, his unwavering gaze fixed on mine. “I was a coward, Abbey. A complete idiot. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go. I thought if I pushed you away, I’d prove to myself I was okay without you. That I…” He licks his lips nervously. “That I don’t love you.”
“Jude…” I exhale, emotion tightening my throat.
“I’m scared, Abbey.” He cups my cheeks, his grip firm and resolute. “I’ve been scared since the moment I met you. Scared of how much I care. Scared of what it means if I let myself feel this way again.” His voice cracks and tears glisten in his eyes. “I lost everything once before. I thought… I thought if I let you in, I’d lose you too. So that day at the airport when you told me how you felt, I just… I couldn’t let you in. In my mind, if I made sure you got on that plane and walked out of my life, I’d be okay.”
“Are you?”
He chokes back a sob. “I’ve been anything but okay since I let you go. I thought I was protecting myself. I never wanted to feel what I did when we lost Aspen. I shut everyone out because I thought it would be easier. It only made things worse.”
He briefly looks to the ceiling, his vulnerability shining through. Then he returns his gaze to mine.
“Krista didn’t leave me,” he confesses. “I left her. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. The day before she filed for divorce, I found her in the nursery packing up Aspen’s things. She said she couldn’t live with that room taunting her. Instead of listening to her and giving her what she needed, I snapped. After that, I stopped living.”
His voice trembles, the heartache he’s done everything to bury for years spilling from him.
“And then you walked into my bar in that ridiculous wedding dress…”
I laugh through my tears, affection swelling in my chest.
“I knew nothing would ever be the same again.” He curves toward me, his mouth hovering over mine. “You brought me back to life with your ridiculous optimism. And I don’t want to go back anymore, Abbey. I’ve been living in that fear for so long, I didn’t know how to live any other way.” His voice drops to a whisper as he confesses, “Losing you is worse than any fear I’ve ever experienced. I’m done running. Done pretending. Done existing. I want this. Want us. Please tell me it’s not too late.”
With gentle fingers, he wipes away my tears. Then, without a single ounce of uncertainty or fear, he declares, “I love you.”
My heart races as I stare back at him, unable to formulate a single response. Everything I wanted to hear, everything he’s been too afraid to admit, is spilling from his lips. It’s the last thing I expected to happen today, on a random Wednesday in July.
“I know this is a lot for you to take in.” He steps away, pacing the small space in front of me. “And I don’t blame you if you have reservations, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I’m not asking you to walk away from this job. We’ll find a way to make it work. I’ll fly out here every weekend. Whatever you want.”
“But you hate the city.”
He stops in front of me. “I can’t truly hate it. Not if you’re here.”
“What if I want to come to Sycamore Falls?”
“We can make that work, too. Take turns. One weekend, I’ll come here. The next, you can come to me.”
“And if that’s not good enough?”
“I know I fucked up and I?—”
I grab his hand, cutting him off. “What if I don’t just want to spend a few weekends a month in Sycamore Falls? What if I want to spend every single day there?”
“But your job, Abbey. Isn’t this what you wanted?”
I shrug, realizing how much my priorities have shifted. “I thought it was. But I fucking hate it,” I confess. “This isn’t what I want. Not anymore.”
After everything blew up with Carson, I promised myself I’d never be dependent on another person again. But Jude’s not just any other person.
He’s my person.
“Then what do you want?” He drags my body into his.
“You, Jude,” I say without hesitation. “Jobs come and go. But you… I can probably travel all over the world and never find another man who infuriates me but makes me happy like you do.”
“So what does that mean?” he asks somewhat hesitantly.
I drape an arm over his shoulder and lift myself onto my toes, brushing my lips against his. “That means I want you to take me home.”
He exhales deeply, like he’s been scared to breathe for too long. Then he pulls me even closer, barely a whisper between us as he murmurs, “I’m already home. You’re my home, Abbey. And the love of my fucking life.”
“I thought love was just an illusion,” I tease.
“What can I say…” He tips my chin up, forcing my lips to meet his. “You made me a believer.”
Then he kisses me, and for the first time in my life, I know this is where I’m meant to be.
Not in New York. Not in the corporate world.
All my life, I’ve wanted to feel like I had a home. A family. Like I belong.
I finally do.