CHAPTER 43 Sophie Summers
What’s Meant to Be Will Be
Neither of us talks about the condom that broke when morning dawns. Neither of us brings up what that might mean about our future. It’s not just me withdrawing into myself. He is, too.
And I have no idea how to get him back.
It felt like we were so close to having it all, and now he’s retreating.
The problem is that I don’t know how to deal with a retreating Miller when he’s running scared.
That’s the thing. He’s never retreated from me before.
I’ve seen him do it to others, but I was always the one he turned to when he ran from someone else.
I don’t know how to erase all this and go back to how things were. I’d already made my peace with the fact that we couldn’t go back to how things were, but never did I think we’d wind up with a scare like this so early on.
I think the reason I feel so awkward about it all is that we’ve talked about how he doesn’t really want kids.
What do I do if I’m pregnant? How do I even tell him? Do I just do this on my own? Do I give it up ?
I’ll admit that while he was in the shower last night, I set my internet search on fire with my rapid questions.
How soon can I find out if I’m pregnant after a condom breaks?
A week after my missed period. A week . A week after . I have to miss a period .
Okay, fine. When am I due if I got knocked up on July thirteenth?
April twentieth.
Great. Four twenty. I’m sure a child born on four twenty won’t be teased mercilessly.
I threw my phone on the nightstand when I heard the shower turn off, and I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep because I didn’t know what else to do.
The scariest part of all of this is that if we did create something out of what we did last night…I’m not certain I want to give that up. It feels like fate that the shop was out of Plan B, like whatever happens is meant to be now.
Maybe I’ve been unsure about whether or not I want kids, but it might be because I’ve never been faced with having to make that decision. I’ve never been engaged. Never really had to worry about having kids even though I’ve had an active sex life. I’ve been safe and protected.
What if this was meant to be? What if Miller and I were destined to come together in this way?
We used a condom. We were being safe, and still…it managed to get through.
If we made a baby, it feels like that baby fought awfully hard to be here.
We’re both quiet as we head to breakfast, and we find everyone else already seated. We’re the last to arrive.
We jump right into the conversation, him with Tanner and me with Grace and Ava as we pretend like we’re not fighting through something strange.
We’re putting on an act for the family .
But we’re also putting on an act with each other, and that is completely new territory for us.
The plan for the day is for the women to have a spa day. I don’t know what the plan is for the men, but I do know they’re participating in some poker tournament tonight at the casino, so basically Miller and I will be away from each other all day.
I think about talking to Cassie about this, but we’ve all seen how loose her lips get with a drink or two in her.
I think about confiding in Grace, but we’re surrounded by too many people.
I don’t want everyone finding out about our little drama, and truth be told, it’s a little embarrassing that we’re thirty years old and are dealing with an accidental condom break.
Besides, I’m not sure anyone here would really get it. They’re all married. Some of them have kids, and I’m not part of this family—yet. And maybe now I won’t be.
The thought has tears pressing hotly behind my eyes.
Did we just screw everything up?
I hide behind my cup of coffee so nobody sees that I’m on the verge of a breakdown, and I manage to swallow it down by chugging my coffee.
Which reminds me…if I am pregnant, can I even drink coffee? I know literally nothing about being pregnant or having kids or how any of this works.
We sit at the breakfast table chatting with everyone until it’s time to get up and head to our spa appointments, and Cassie booked the works for all of us.
We have manicures, pedicures, facials, and massages, and we’re supposed to plan on being here at least three hours today.
I booked an extra blowout for my hair and some professional makeup since tonight is formal night at dinner, but things feel so shaky with Miller at the moment.
And now we have to spend the day away from each other while we’re both stuck on this ship since it’s a day at sea .
Cassie is getting a pedicure at the same time as me, and we’re sort of all on a rotation for who’s getting what services when.
“Where are Luca and Lily?” I ask.
“Kids’ Club.”
“Do they like it?”
“Lily loves it. They do all sorts of arts and crafts activities. Luca likes it because there’s some video games, but he doesn’t love it like she does.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Is it weird having kids?”
Cassie chuckles. “It’s not weird, exactly. What’s weird is how it’s the most exhausting, hardest work I’ve ever done, but it’s also the most rewarding, most incredible thing I’ve ever done.” She shrugs a little as she gets this faraway look in her eyes.
“Do you want more?”
She twists her lips. “I mean…I’m not getting any younger. A pregnancy at this age is considered geriatric.”
“Geriatric?” I repeat. “Aren’t you, like, thirty-five?”
“Thirty-seven, but thanks. Anything over thirty-five is considered geriatric.”
“They actually use that word?”
She nods. “That or advanced maternal age . I’m not sure which is worse.”
“What an insult pregnant women don’t actually need.” I wrinkle my nose.
“Tell me about it. But to answer your question…yes. It would be a blessing to raise a baby with Tanner. What’s meant to be will be.”
What’s meant to be will be .
I hold those words in my hands.
“What about you? Do you want kids?” she asks.
“I was never the girl who dreamed of being a mom, but I also never really saw a future without kids in it. But I don’t really think Miller wants kids.” I lift a shoulder .
“How does that make you feel?”
I think about what happened last night. I think about confessing it to Cassie since it seems like the perfect time to do it.
But I chicken out.
It’s too early to really know anything yet, and besides, we have a port tomorrow where we might be able to find that emergency contraception. It’s still on the table.
It’s exhausting and hard, but it’s also rewarding and incredible—according to Cassie, at least. She seems to really have her shit together.
She just married Tanner Banks, formerly one of pro football’s hottest bachelors.
She has two kids who adore her, she’s running her own physical therapy practice, and she still has time for things like pedicures and massages and coffee dates with her future sister-in-law.
She was strong enough to leave a man who treated her like shit, and she made it out on the other side even when it was just her and her two kids.
This parenting thing…it can’t be all bad, can it?
I lean back into the massage chair and give in to the lovely feel of the rollers moving across my shoulders. They’re tight with tension both from sitting at a table on my laptop all the time and from the stress of whatever’s happening with Miller and me.
“I’m not sure,” I finally murmur.
But even as I tell her I’m not sure how Miller not wanting kids makes me feel, I think I know the answer.
If he draws the line at having kids…I don’t think we can continue down this path. Because even though it’s just a minor scare of a possibility at this point, the more I think about it, the more I think having kids is exactly what I want out of life.