CHAPTER 50 Miller Banks
The Quiet Brother
I want to be excited for the season ahead, and I’m trying to be.
It’s hard when I realize everything I’m leaving behind.
It’s even harder when I think about how much longer I even want to play.
I turn off the street where I could still see Sophie waving at me in the rearview mirror, and I pull to the side of the road. I draw in a deep breath as I grip the steering wheel with both hands.
It feels different this season.
I love playing this game. I have always loved playing football since I first picked one up.
It’s always been everything to me, and getting to play it with my brother has been the highlight of my life.
But life is changing. Things are different now. Tanner is married. He has a wife and two stepkids, and maybe he and Cassie are trying to have a kid of their own. I wouldn’t know since Tanner and I haven’t had the same kinds of heart-to-hearts we were able to have back when we lived together .
I felt myself pulling back from Sophie as the season drew nearer. It wasn’t really because of the condom. She hasn’t been exhibiting any new or different symptoms, and I feel fairly confident that it was nothing more than an accident. I managed to push it to the back of my mind.
I wasn’t pulling away on purpose, I guess, but I started getting busier. Workouts and meetings meant less time at home, and it’s a semi-realistic picture of what the season will look like for us.
But I guess I was drawing back because I was scared, too. I felt her pulling away, maybe because of the condom, or maybe because of her book release coming up, or maybe because I wasn’t home as much…but whatever the case, it’s always been my habit to get ahead of problems before they become issues.
I just never thought I’d have problems or issues when it came to Sophie.
I always knew the gamble of getting involved with her could lead to my worst nightmare, which would be losing her as a friend or losing her completely from my life.
I feel like I’m leaving her behind as I pull away to a new season, but I don’t have a choice.
I’m leaving things in a precarious position, but I have no clue how to fix it.
I just hope that this two-week pause isn’t enough to break us.
I try to categorize these feelings. I try to push them aside.
I need to focus, and I pull back onto the road as I do my best to leave those fears behind on the side of the road where I allowed them into my conscious thoughts.
I arrive at the stadium and see the parking lot is already full of the vehicles my teammates drive—lots of trucks and luxury SUVs. I figured I’d be one of the first to arrive, but it looks like I’m one of the last .
Maybe I pulled over to the side of the road a little longer than I thought.
I’m already in my practice clothes, but I grab my duffel anyway and haul it into the locker room with me.
I spot my practice jersey and some other gear, and I settle onto the bench inside my locker as I glance around the locker room that’s already bustling with activity this morning.
Loud rap music pours from the sound system as we all get pumped up for today’s activities, and I glance at the locker to my left where Isaiah is changing his shoes.
“Are you ready?” he asks.
“Do I have a choice?” I shoot back.
He laughs. We both feel pretty secure in our positions.
I’ll start, but he’ll get plenty of time on the field.
Sometimes we run plays with two running backs, and other times I need to rest or sit out a play.
I glance at the locker on the other side of Isaiah and spot Drake, who will get a little less time than Isaiah.
Next to him is Jalen, who will have to prove himself at camp before we know what his season will look like.
Roman and Byron are here, too, but they don’t have lockers by ours.
They’re on the practice squad, so they get a shared space to store their equipment on the other side of the locker room.
Tanner walks by, and I stand as we do our twin handshake.
We haven’t lived together since he and Cassie moved in together, and I miss seeing him all the time. We lived together the majority of our adult lives, and while we’re still close, the dynamic has definitely shifted.
Still, he’s my best friend, and if there’s anybody I could talk to about the shit I’m going through with Sophie, it’s him.
And maybe I will at some point over the next two weeks. Maybe I won’t.
We start with a big team meeting to introduce the themes of the next two weeks. The new players are introduced even though we’ve already met, and then we break out into smaller groups with our position coaches.
It’s all so predictable.
Our goal is to win games. We’ll do that by focusing on fundamentals.
It’s literally the same regurgitated speech every season from every coach who I’ve ever played for, from high school to college to two different teams at the professional level.
And this year…I’m just not sure I’m feeling it.
I know what happened last season when Tanner wasn’t feeling it, though he was in a much different place than I was. And it led to a torn ACL. He was out for the season. It gave him the time he needed to focus on his new relationship.
I don’t need that time, though. It’s not like Sophie would be the one to rehab me if I got injured.
And I have gotten injured. Of course. I get injured nearly every time I step onto that field. But I’ve never sat out an entire season, and I don’t plan on doing it now.
Even so, it doesn’t feel like my heart is in it this year, and I don’t know what to do about that.
We get out on the field after lunch and start with some drills, and then we head back in for more meetings. We review tape. We eat dinner as a team. We watch more tape.
It’s after ten by the time I get up to the room I’m sharing with Tanner, and I’m fucking beat. I was up early, and between the emotional pull that’s back home with Sophie and the feelings I’m experiencing here so far, I feel completely out of sorts.
“The fuck’s going on with you?” Tanner asks when I walk into the room.
“Well, hello to you, too,” I say dryly .
“Look, I know you’re the quiet brother,” he says, tossing air quotes around the word quiet , “but whatever’s eating you is affecting me, so get it together.”
“I’m fine.” I don’t sound very convincing.
“Is it Sophie?” he asks. “What’s going on with the two of you? Cassie said she ran into Soph at the grocery store the other day, and she was acting strange.”
I plop onto the queen bed that’ll be mine for the next two weeks and lie back. I stare up at the ceiling. “When we found out Eddie was our biological father, something shifted in me. I was scared I’d end up like him.”
He blows out a breath as he knows that’s my intro to the rest of what’s bothering me.
“I know I have the power to break the cycle and all that bullshit, but it doesn’t matter.
The five of you escaped it. You’re all married, and most of you have kids or you’re having them or you’re a stepparent.
And then there’s me. You escaped it, but what if it lands on the youngest?
What if I’m destined to be the most like him? ”
“Meaning what?” he asks, clearly confused.
“Meaning being a shit of a human and not being the kind of father any kid would deserve.”
“We got Charles, bro. We lucked out. You’ll be like him. Sacrificing for your kids rather than giving up on them.” He pauses before he adds, “You’re a good person, Miller. You’re not like him.”
“How do you know that?” I ask quietly.
“Because I had the privilege of growing up with you. When I fell off my bike when I was eleven, who ran and got help? Who helped me with chores when I was out late? Who drove me home when I had too much to drink? Who was there for me every step of the way as I fell in love with Cassie? Spoiler alert, all of those were you. You’re a good dude with a heart of gold, and finding out who gave us life has no bearing on any of that. So where is this coming from?”
“It’s coming from that. It fucked me up, man. It made me think twice about having kids, and then—” I cut myself off, not entirely sure I want to confess about the broken condom. I thought I’d mostly pushed that out of my head.
But I have two weeks in a hotel with my brother. I’m not sure I can keep that to myself those entire two weeks without him pulling it out of me anyway. May as well get it out of the way.
“And then?” he prompts.
I blow out a breath. “A condom broke when we were on the cruise.”
“Oh, shit. Is she…” He trails off, not saying the word.
I sit up and shrug. “No idea. Too early to tell.”
“What if she is?” he asks carefully.
“Then I guess it doesn’t matter if I don’t want kids because I’ll be having one.”
He presses his lips together. “Is this the attitude you gave her?”
“To be honest, we haven’t talked about it much at all.”
“So you’re running scared, she’s presumably freaking out, and rightfully so since you’re backing away, and your entire friendship is at risk. Sound about right?”
I raise my brows as I bite my lip. “Yeah, that about sums it up. But don’t forget the whole chestnut about starting a new season and not really being sure how much longer I’ve got in this game.”
His brows dip together. “Why would you say that?”
“We’re thirty now, bro. Who’s the oldest running back in the league?”
“Frank Gore played to thirty-seven. ”
“Yeah, and Jim Thorpe played until he was forty-one in the twenties. Those are outliers, man. I am a fucking outlier at thirty, and you know the game has changed even in the last few years.” I lift a helpless shoulder.
“So sit out more. Don’t take as many hits. Let the younger guys prove their worth.” He lifts his shoulder back as if that’s the answer. But it’s not.
“You know I can’t get out there and not leave it all out on the field.”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I know.” He’s the same damn way. It’s bred in us—from our biological father, most likely. It’s a case of nature versus nurture, and that’s why I’ve arrived at the conclusion that there’s still a chance I’ll end up like him no matter how hard I fight against it.
“Look, whatever happens, you’ve got to get your head on straight. Have you talked to Sophie about any of this?”
I shake my head.
“Do you really think you can plan a future with someone when you can’t be bothered to talk to that person about what’s going on in your head?” he asks.
I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make it magically easier to fix any of this. I don’t even know how to fix it when the future is so unknown.
I thought coming here would help immerse me into the game. I thought it would help me focus and leave my fears behind.
As it turns out, it’s not quite that easy to run away from my problems. They followed me here, and now they just feel like they’re looming in front of me with no easy solutions.
I should call her. We do need to talk…but this isn’t the kind of conversation I want to have when I’m beat after a day at camp .
It’s also not one I want to have with my brother staring at me from the next bed over.
And so I’ll wait for another day.
I send her a goodnight text while Tanner calls Cassie and hope that’s good enough.