Chapter 35
CHAPTER 35
M ac
“So what do you think I should do?” Nolan stares glumly into his pint. When he called me as I was leaving Levi, I jumped at the chance to meet him. Anything rather than going home and being alone with my thoughts right now. The emptiness, regret, and guilt will come later, but I’d rather stave them off as long as possible. Also, I could tell from Nolan’s tone that he needed someone to talk to, so there was no way I was going to refuse him.
I think about his question for a few minutes.
“I think you should get away for a few days,” I reply. “Do something different, so you don’t have any reminders.”
“It’s already difficult. The shops are already full of cards and gifts, chocolates and all that crap.”
It hurts to hear him talk like this, but I understand. Nolan might be as grumpy as me most of the time but deep down he’s an old romantic. He loves Valentine’s Day, or rather he used to, until his plans to propose to his boyfriend Cliff on Valentine’s Day last year went badly wrong and ended with them splitting up instead.
“Then you should go someplace where they don’t have ‘all that crap’ as you call it.”
That raises a small smile from him. He knows I don’t have a romantic bone in my body and that I’ve always been indifferent about Valentine’s Day. If you love someone, why choose one day a year to show it? Why not show it as often as you can?
“Where, though?” he asks as if warming to the idea.
“What about Larchdown? It’s remote and the village shop probably has about three cards.”
“I thought you hated that place?” he scoffs.
“For the exact reasons I’ve just told you why you should go.”
“I could do some photography,” he says, giving it some serious thought. “I haven’t had the camera out since last year.”
“See, it sounds like a perfect plan. There’ll be no one to bother you, there’s plenty of woods, and an old abbey if you like that kind of thing.” I finish up my pint. I’m going to need more of them and fetch another for each of us.
Nolan actually thinks my plan is a good one, which is a surprise as it was the first thought that came into my head. My head, which is still stuck in Larchdown. By the time we leave the pub we’ve both managed to successfully blot out our problems.
I’m nursing a bad head and look like shit when I walk into work the next day. I think it’s going to be a “two coffees before I do anything” kind of morning. I’m paying the price for distracting myself from not seeing Levi for several weeks, and I wonder if Nolan feels the same. I send him a text and the vomit face emoji he sends straight back confirms it.
I wince when there’s a knock on my door after I’ve barely sat down, and I look up to see Shari looking annoyingly cheery. I wave her in.
“Boss wants to see us, immediately,” she says brightly, and a bit too loudly, and I scowl. That’s all I need; some meaningless talk with that pompous prick.
“Are you alright, Mac?” Her face turns to concern.
“I’m fine,” I lie.
“Well, you don’t look it.” That’s not helpful.
“Well, I will be after a few coffees,” I grumble and she laughs at me. I stumble to my feet and we walk across the open-plan space to Fortescue’s office on the other side. Surprisingly he doesn’t comment on my state, but he does give me a look that tells me he’s not impressed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he finds a way to get back at me at some point. I’m counting on it. Right now, though, he has a stakeout job for us—a suspect in another case he wants followed to see where they go this morning. I normally hate this kind of work, I find it mind-numbing, but today I can’t do any heavy thinking so it’s almost welcome. After we’re dismissed by Fortescue we walk back to my office and I retrieve my coffee. I turn to Shari and say, “You’re driving.”
Shari drives expertly, wending her little car through the Oxford traffic and over to the very fashionable side of the city.
Her talents are pretty much wasted in the police force. Her driving skills at least. Her other talents we need very much.
We park up on a very exclusive street a dozen doors down from the address we’ve been given. I’ve never been on a stakeout with Shari, but I’m pleased I’m not stuck with some of the other detectives; I can’t take more than a few minutes in the company of most of them.
We talk as I work my way through my coffees. I’d insisted we had time to stop and grab another one before we left, and it doesn’t take them long to start having the required effect.
After a couple of hours, we somehow end up on the topic of parents and their aspirations.
“My parents, or rather, my father thinks I should be finding a ‘nice Asian boy’ and settling down.”
“And you don't want to do this?” I can’t say I blame her.
“It’s not to my taste.”
Just then movement takes our attention, and we see a well-dressed, attractive blonde woman leave the house we’re staking out and climb behind the wheel of an elegant but not flashy dark blue Porsche.
Shari pulls down the sunglasses she’s been wearing to drive and ogles the woman over the top of them.
“Now, that’s more to my taste.”
“The car?” I ask and Shari gives me a wide grin. “Both.”
The blonde woman isn’t our target so we don’t follow her.
“What about you?” Shari asks casually.
I’ve never hidden my sexuality, but I’ve never felt the need to shout it out either. As I haven’t had a relationship for so long I doubt anyone has noticed, and Shari did relay something about herself—very comfortably too—I can at least do the same.
“Not to my taste.”
Shari leans back a little and tilts her head.
“Which?”
“Both.”
She chuckles, and I huff an attempt at a laugh back at her.
“Why the car, though?” I ask, and she proceeds to give me a full rundown of the specs of the Porsche. Her knowledge is incredible and I’m suddenly fascinated so I ask her about some of the other cars on the street. Not because I’ve suddenly developed an interest in fast and sporty cars, but as Levi likes them I’m keen to see why.
“How much are they?” I ask, trying to sound casual, but Shari regards me shrewdly.
“You gonna change your dad car?”
“No.” I shrug. My car isn’t that old, but I know someone who does need a new car.
She points each one out to me and gives me a rough price. Some of them are eye-wateringly expensive and I can see why those ones are used as status symbols, but others aren’t as much as I thought they’d be and an idea starts to form.
I don’t make a huge amount of money. It’s a comfortable amount, but also I don’t spend much. I don’t have a family, I bought my house years ago and have no need of getting anything bigger. I don’t go on holidays or have expensive hobbies either, so I have a fair amount of savings.
Just as I’m musing over cars the door of the house we’re watching opens again and our quarry leaves, climbing into a Mercedes.
Once he’s halfway down the street, Shari expertly manoeuvres her car out behind him and we follow. We were given strict instructions not to engage, so once we have the address he goes to and we see him enter, we make our way back to the station, and by then I almost feel like my normal self, apart from the ache in the middle of my chest of course.
Feeling hungry after a breakfast of just coffee, I invite Shari to lunch at the cafe again. Despite having spent all morning putting up with my grumpy hungover self, I’m surprised she accepts, but I’m glad of the company as I still don’t want to be alone.
We make it back to the station just in time for a pre-trial briefing with the chief constable as well as Fortescue, Wren, Alisha, and a few other officers who have been on the team.
“Mac. Long time no see,” Wren says quietly to me as I greet her.
I wince slightly at her words. It’s not like I’ve been actively avoiding her... well, maybe a little... or rather, a lot.
“I’ve been busy,” I reply, and I know she’s not buying it but she decides not to press. I take a seat on the opposite side of the table to her as the meeting starts, chaired by the chief constable.
It’s our chance to make sure we have all the evidence submitted, to tie up any loose ends and agree on the running order of the trial.
It’s all fairly straightforward and goes quickly.
“And the witnesses, are they ready? Are there any we need to worry about?” Alisha asks.
This is a standard question. We run through the witnesses and give our opinions on any we think might not show, and any who need to be reminded about how they present themselves or who might struggle on the stand. From the answers we can put other measures in place, have police on standby to fetch witnesses if they don’t show, or have victim support talk to them about what to expect, how they’ll be questioned, to prepare them as much as possible. We’ve done this dozens of times but this is different.
Fortescue starts to read through the list of witnesses. Some of them are part of Winstanton’s crime ring. I tell him which ones I think won’t show, as they either fear Winstanton or have something else to hide, and those who I think are only too happy to provide evidence. As he works his way through the list I find it harder to sit still, receiving a few curious glances especially from Wren.
Fortescue asks about Josh and I say that I have no real concerns about him, although it will be hard for him. It’s his father on trial, but I know enough of Josh’s story to think he’ll get through it. Anyone who can survive several weeks on the run from someone like Winstanton is made of very tough stuff and he has Alex to support him. Alex was there the night of the kidnapping so he’ll also give evidence.
“What about Levi Burton?” He glances down at his notes. “Already has a criminal record, spent time in juvie... What about him? Is he a flight risk? Or likely to cause a problem on the stand?” They’re regular questions, but the way he says the words grates down every fibre of my being. He sounds so judgemental. Levi’s not bad, he’s just had a shit life where everyone has let him down one way or another.
“There are no concerns to note,” I grind out through clenched teeth.
Fortescue seems to accept that and carries on through the list, but I barely listen. My hands are fisted in my lap and the room feels far too warm. I can’t wait to escape.
Eventually the meeting ends and I stand quickly, my chair scraping on the floor.
“Mac. A minute please,” Wren calls across the room as people start to file out. It’s not a request; it’s an order.
Shari is the last to leave and she closes the door behind her. I sit back down in my seat.
“Mac, what is it you’re not telling me?” Wren leans forward in her chair and I’m ensnared by her steely gaze. I’ve faced murderers who’ve seen me as the one thing standing in the way of them losing their freedom, and their looks were nowhere near as fearsome as the one she’s giving me.
“What can you tell me about Levi Burton?”
“I have nothing to tell,” I say flatly, but she keeps up her look, the one she’s perfected as a judge, the one that makes hardened criminals buckle and blub like babies. I’m no match for her and I cave in, and in a small voice I give myself away. “I’ve called it off.”
She sits back in her chair, her voice like ice.
“I’m not going to want to know about this, am I?”
I slam my hands between my knees, mostly to stop them shaking, and look away towards the window.
“Mac?” Her voice is warmer but I still don’t look at her. “You have to tell me. If there’s anything that could jeopardise this trial I need to know about it.”
I can’t tell her anything, there’s too much at stake. Once she knows she’ll have to act on it, she’ll have to disclose it. If Winstanton’s lawyers find out they’ll have a field day. If she doesn't know then it won’t impact her. I just need to keep quiet.
I can’t look at her; I’m struggling to breathe as it is. After several excruciatingly long minutes of silence I force my jaw to relax. I need to get past this.
“I said he’ll be fine. Just leave it there.”
Wren sighs, then stands and walks over to the window looking out over the street below.
She seems to come to some sort of a decision because she comes back, and when she sits back in her chair, her posture is softer and her eyes kind. It’s somehow worse.
“Mac, I’m going to take off my judge’s hat for this. I’ve known you a long time, and I like to think that despite our jobs, we’re friends as well. If there is anything going on, I need to know about it. Strictly off the record of course.”
“I can’t,” I croak.
“I see.” She lets out a breath of minor disappointment. “I could have you suspended anyway.”
I know. This is Levi’s chance at closure and I was stupid enough to put it at risk. I won’t do that any more. Not to him, even if it means my job is on the line. He needs this and I’m not going to stand in its way.
I just nod, accepting my fate.
“Are you telling me that you, who lives and breathes his job, is willing to risk it all rather than tell me?” Her voice rises slightly in frustration and I grimace at her tone.
“Yes.” It’s true. I want the pain and hurt to be firmly in the past for Levi. I would do that for him.
“Does he mean that much to you?” It’s a simple question but I don’t need any time to answer. I’ve known it for a while but I’ve never given it a voice before.
“Yes.”
She closes her eyes as if trying to think.
“Mac, if you continue this, I’ll have no choice but to have you suspended. While you might think you’re being noble, what do you think Winstanton’s lawyers will do then? If they find out something, it’ll be even worse. If you tell me, at least I can be prepared.”
“Like I said, I’ve broken it off.”
“But there was something between you?”
I just set my jaw and stare at her. It appears she doesn’t need an answer.
She rises again but this time starts pacing.
“Do you realise what you’ve done?” she starts.
This is one of those times I don’t need to answer.
“You’ve put the whole case in danger, all the work you’ve done for years. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for, the one I’ve talked through with you, guided you, so we could finally take down one of the biggest criminal rings in the area. Not to mention the position you’ve put me in. What were you thinking?”
At this she stops, facing me with her hands on her hips. I’ve never seen her look so angry. What can I say, of course I know. I tried to prevent it but I couldn’t resist.
“Mac, you’re going to have to give me something here, or I’m going to have to report this to your superiors and they’ll suspend your arse so fast you’re going to bounce on the steps on the way out.”
I look at her. She means it, of that I have no doubt, and she already knows enough of the truth. I’m tired of keeping everything quiet for the last month, of double checking myself, making sure nobody knew exactly where I was. Covering my tracks. It was worth it for every minute I’ve spent with Levi but it’s been exhausting.
“Mac?” I hear the warning tone in her voice and the part of me holding myself together shatters.
“I never meant for this to happen. I tried so hard to prevent it. Do you think I don’t know what the risks are, and the consequences? Of course I do,” I almost shout. Now I’ve started, I can’t stop. I stand and face her across the table. “That’s why I’ve put an end to it. I’ll not see him again until after the trial.”
“You’ve truly ended it?” she asks.
“Yes. I’ll not go near him. I promise.”
“Well, that’s something at least.” She relaxes slightly and I can’t bear it any longer. I walk to the door, pausing before I open it.
“I didn’t do it for you, or for me.” I grind out. “I did it for him.”