Chapter 19
Rosa
“Your homework for this week, if you can find the time, is to keep a journal of when you feel your anxiety building.” I leaned forward and adjusted my screen for the zoom camera.
“A log… like a diary?” Jason asked.
It was my first trial appointment with Jason and Lilly and based on his tone, I could tell the idea of a diary and homework wasn’t very appealing to him. To be fair, it wasn’t appealing to most clients.
“More like a log. It doesn't have to be official at all. You can keep it in the notes app on your phone.”
“What if I don’t get the ‘ anxiety thing ’ a lot?” Jason said, flippantly throwing finger quotes around the phrase.
“You’re right. For you, maybe it would be beneficial to use your log to record when you feel anger.
” With Jason, it was less about panic attacks and more about anger management.
But in my experience, that was a much harder mountain to tackle than anxiety.
“So when you two either start to feel that anxiety spiral or an anger cloud start, just take out your phone and notate what you were doing before it began.”
Lilly’s brows crease. “And that’s going to help?”
I nod. “It might. Right now, I’m just looking for patterns that might be triggering Jason’s anger and your anxiety.”
“Like if it happens every time before she’s supposed to do a TikTok Live video?” Jason says, a slight hint of accusation in his voice.
I shrug, trying to stay neutral. “Maybe. But I’ve seen any number of things be a catalyst. It could even be drinking the night before that triggers anxiety the next day. I had one client who would have more panic attacks when he had to poop.”
“Seriously?” Jason laughed. “He had a panic attack whenever he had to shit?”
“ Jason !” Lilly smacked the back of her hand against Jason’s arm, chastising him.
“Not exactly,” I answered, chuckling a little too.
“It’s a much longer explanation, but the abridged version is that his body cross wired messages to and from his brain.
So physically when he had that need, that message didn’t get to his brain before the physical response did.
And then his brain, feeling something physically different in his body, responded with fight or flight in the form of panic attacks.
And it wasn’t until he calmed down from that state that he realized what his body actually needed… a trip to the bathroom.”
“And now he’s cured?” Lilly asked. “Of the panic attacks?” She wrung her hands in her lap, clearly nervous but also hopeful that there might be a simple answer to her own anxiety.
I gave her a soft smile. “I wouldn’t say ‘cured’ exactly, but it’s certainly better.
He has a lot more tools in his toolbox. And now when he feels the signs of a panic attack, he’s able to go through his own checklist, check in with his body and many times he can stop it from advancing with the practice of mindfulness. ”
A glance at my watch tells me we’ve already gone five minutes past our time. “So that’s your homework. No pressure if you don’t want to schedule another session. You can always have your manager?—”
“Are you free Thursday?” Lilly blurted out.
I blinked, surprised. Thursday was only in two days. That was hardly enough time for her to gather enough data in her log-keeping.
“Of course,” I said, gently.
“I have an interview that evening on National TV and I’d love to have a session right before. To… to help calm me.”
“Absolutely.” I turned to look at Jason. “Would you like to join for that? Or Lilly, do you want a solo session?”
Lilly turned to Jason with a hopeful smile and even though he sighed, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her into his side affectionately. “Sure babe. I can be there too.”
Just then, Noah walked in with Birdie tethered to the end of a leash.
Silently, he gave me a wave, recognizing that I was still on my Zoom call.
Birdie on other hand had no respect for boundaries or patient-client privilege and even with his hurt leg, he bounded over to me, bouncing and playing and begging to be picked up.
“Okay, you two, I’ve got to sign off here. I’ll talk to you both Thursday.”
Lilly smiled into the camera at me. “Seriously, thank you Rosa. Thank you so much.”
There was an ease in her voice that wasn’t there an hour ago and it acted as a balm for my soul, too. This was why I did what I did. To help give people the peace that I could never find when I was a teenager and in the public eye. “Of course. Enjoy your day together.”
I clicked the computer off and set it aside while taking my airpods out.
I smiled down at Birdie, lifting him up into my lap to give him a snuggle.
He met my hug with a thousand licks to my chin and I giggled as he squirmed in my arms. “Okay, okay! You’re grateful we saved you, I get it!
” I laughed, setting him back down on the floor as I stood up, too.
Shirtless, Noah leaned against the counter, sipping a coffee and staring at me.
“What?” I tilted my head and as I walked slowly toward him, he handed me a second mug of freshly brewed coffee.
“Nothing. You’re just very beautiful when you do your work. I can tell it brings you peace.”
“I really do love it,” I said. “I don’t always love the virtual appointments but with my focus on helping people with social media anxiety, it’s unfortunately just part of it since so many of them will likely be on location in different states.”
“Would you ever want your own office space? Or would you just work out of your home?”
“Both?” I took a sip of the coffee and smiled at how quickly Noah had perfected how I take mine.
“I would ideally like a professional space that people can come to me for in-person sessions. It could be out of my home, but with confidentiality laws, that could get sticky too.” My eyes drifted out the window to where the lake glistened with the morning sun.
“I always thought I’d have an office in New York City, but there’s something to be said for setting up a practice in a town like this.
Maybe even offer my clients a retreat of sorts where they fully unplug during the time they’re here. ”
“That’s a great idea,” Noah said. “You could have a house on the lake like my brother’s. He has a whole separate guest house that he rents out during tourist season.”
Noah slid his arm around my shoulders and I leaned into his bare chest. “I could make it so the guest house has no wifi. Decorate it to be super cozy with a soft rug and a comfy couch. Fresh potted flowers so that there’s something living and breathing in the space.
And I’d stock it with all my favorite psychology books?—”
“Like The Body Keeps the Score ,” Noah offered.
I snapped my gaze up at him. “Yes. Exactly like that one. It’s one of my?—”
“Favorites, I know. You talked about it your senior year of grad school when you, me, and Hazel went out for Taco Tuesday. You had just finished reading it.”
Who was this man? How did he manage to remember so many small details about me when I could barely remember what I had for breakfast yesterday.
I sighed, taking another sip of my coffee, then set it on the counter next to his mug. “Well, that’s all a long way away probably. I could use my trust fund to buy a property like that, but… I don’t know. I’ve been trying so hard not to dip into that account now that I’ve graduated.”
“Why?” he asked, cautiously. “Why are you so against using your trust fund?”
“I… I don’t really know. I already feel like I’ve had such a leg up in getting out of school with zero student loans, it feels like cheating or something. Like my practice should be successful before I jump into a big expense like that.”
Noah nodded. “I get that. But success is relative. Maybe you need to define what success is for your practice outside of the number it puts in your bank account.”
“Hmmmm,” I said, looking up at him, thoughtfully. “You’re very wise, Noah Tripp.”
I leaned into Noah’s bare chest. Pressing my palm against his washboard abs, I dragged my fingers across his six-pack like I was strumming the strings of a guitar. An appreciative hum escaped his lips and he let his mouth fall to mine, his tongue gliding across the seam of my lips.
I couldn’t explain why this felt so right.
The lines with us were so blurred, they were beginning to disappear.
And even though I knew it wasn’t smart, I didn’t want to stop.
Noah was everything I wanted in a partner—he was sweet, considerate, passionate, sexy, our chemistry was off the charts.
The only thing stopping me from going all in with him was that he was famous.
And now, even that wasn’t enough to stop me from trying.
Noah made me want to try . That was more than any other man had gotten from me in the past. I was tired of resisting him.
Tired of resisting our chemistry.
He groaned as I slid my hand beneath the waistband of his running shorts and wrapped it around his erection. “Fuck, Rosa,” he hissed.
“Don’t start what you can’t finish, Mrs. Tripp.” He cradled my jaw with both hands, his jaw tensed with restraint.
“That’s Dr. Tripp,” I teased him, unable to control my smile. With another squeeze of his cock, I stroked him from root to tip, gliding my thumb over the slick moisture dotting his head.
“Besides, who says I don’t plan to finish?”
With a growl, he dove his tongue into my mouth, swallowing my whimper. In a swift motion, he hoisted me up on the counter and spread my legs, his fingers dipping beneath my shorts and pushing my damp panties aside.
Sliding a finger between my wet folds, he sank inside of me two knuckles deep. “So fucking wet for me already,” he murmured, peppering kisses down my neck.
I pulsed my hips, riding his hand while I stroked him.
Beside us, face down on the counter, his phone chimed with a google alert.
Tensing, I started to pull back, but Noah held firm, his other hand clamping around my hips. “No, stay with me,” he whispered, his lips against mine.
His thumb shifted, circling my clit while he continued thrusting his fingers in and out of me. But then his phone chimed again.
And a third time.
Then a fourth.
Sighing, he dropped his head between his shoulders, the moment between us fractured.
Touching my fingers beneath his jaw, I pulled his gaze back up to me and kissed his lips. “Go check. It’s okay,” I whispered. “Just promise me you’ll make it up to me tonight.”
“Best fake wife ever,” he said grinning.
I scrunched my nose. “I don’t love that.”
He tilted his head in thought. “Best girlfriend-wife ever?” he tried again and I nodded, fighting my grin.
“Better.”
This time, it was my phone that buzzed.
With a final kiss, we separated, each grabbing our respective phones. My throat went tight when a text message from Kristen was on my screen.
Kristen:
We couldn’t ask for better press than this!
Below her message, a link was attached. I ignored the dread rolling around in my stomach and clicked the link.
Newlyweds Noah Blue and Dr. Rosa Alvarez Save Dog’s Life!
Beneath the headline there’s several images of us around town in Maple Grove, including the staged photos of us having a picnic with Noah’s family to us almost kissing at Beefcakes to finally an image of us rushing Birdie into Noah’s brother’s veterinary clinic.
I shook my head as a storm of varying emotions twisted in my belly. On one hand, it was a good article. Nothing too scandalous. But on the other hand, there were photos here that I thought were a private moment between me and Noah, illustrating how ravenous these photographers were.
Noah and I would never truly be alone.
They would never just leave us in peace, would they?
Another text from Kristen came through to both of us.
Kristen:
It’s exactly the story you both needed to win over your fans!
But that’s not why we did it , I couldn’t help but think.
Sliding off the counter, I looked down at Birdie who was happily chewing on his bully stick in the corner of the room.
“Did you know they were photographing us with Birdie that day?”
Two scowl lines form in the center of Noah’s brows. “No. I’m not surprised, though. Whenever they smell blood in the water, they circle until there’s a fresh kill somewhere else.” I swallowed the burning lump in my throat as he added, “It gets better, I swear.”
Until the next fresh kill is us again.
I was grateful for the knock at our door that could drag me away from having this conversation.
I wasn’t ready for it. I wanted to stay a little longer inside our bubble.
I wanted to stay as his girlfriend-wife a little longer before I had to face the stark reality that we weren’t meant for each other.
Our lives were too different; we wanted different things.
Clearing his throat, Noah adjusted himself. “That’s probably Kristen.”
I nodded, taking a step back from Noah… both literally and metaphorically. I needed to guard my heart. Reinforce those walls I had built years ago. It was the only way we’d both survive this and come out of this scam of a marriage unscathed.
If I wanted to come out of it. The thought twinged in my heart. I didn’t know what I wanted. And that was the problem, wasn’t it?
From the corner of my eye, I saw Noah cross to the door and open it.
“Noah Blue?” A voice asked.
My spine went ramrod straight. No. It can’t be…
“Uh… yes?” Noah answered.
Wide-eyed, I stood up, turning to look over Noah’s shoulder in the doorway where my mother and father stood, sizing Noah up.
“Mama, Apa, what are you doing here?”
Noah whipped around to look at me, mouthing “Your parents?”
Mama flung her arms around Noah, pulling him into a hug. “Welcome to the family!”