4. Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Felix
A ll I’d ever known was Ischgl. I lived and breathed this place. I didn’t particularly mind, because I was comfortable and to be honest, why would I move? Christmas was just around the corner and although I wasn’t a massive fan of it, I still made the effort for my family.
I’d been staring at my reflection in the mirror for probably five minutes now, analysing every inch of my face. I looked tired, but I always did. That’s what sleep deprivation did to you. Pair that with heartbreak and you’re good to go.
Luckily, I had no work today, so my plan was to ski for a few hours. I usually preferred to go by myself but I’d extend the offer to Mira, my little sister who often worried about me.
I rubbed a hand down my face, wincing slightly at the roughness of my facial hair. I definitely needed a shave and even a haircut, as my auburn hair was a little shaggy. Aside from looking like I needed five years of sleep, I wasn’t that bad looking.
The only quality I supposed I liked about myself were my eyes, most often people had commented they were soft to look into and a unique colour. Hazel. Evident bags were under my eyes but I couldn’t make them magically disappear.
I could do something about the facial hair, at least. So after about ten minutes of shaving, I let out a satisfactory hum and vacated my bathroom.
I was about to pour myself another cup of coffee when my phone started to buzz and I didn’t need to look twice to see who was calling. I answered just as quickly as the phone rang.
“Hey,” I greeted my sister in German, leaning my body against the kitchen counter. I winced as I looked at the pile of dishes in the sink, I’d have to deal with that later.
“Why didn’t you ring me last night? I was worried.” Mira’s tone was etched with vivid concern. I hoped I’d ease her worries, but sometimes, it seemed as though the roles were reversed between us. Really, it should be me taking care of her.
“Sorry, Mira. I had an early night,” I lied, hating myself for it. But I didn’t want to tell her the truth, that I had been tossing and turning all night. Thinking about the last six months and how everything had just fallen apart.
You can’t change the past.
“Riight.” Mira didn’t sound as though she believed me but she let it slide for now.
“How are you anyway?” I switched the questioning back to her, I really didn’t want to talk about the past twenty-four hours. If anything, I wanted to start a clean slate today and try to act as though everything was okay. Even if it was playing pretend.
I decided to let my sister speak for the next few minutes, every now and then nodding, although no one could see me. For extra measure, I had to speak a few words so she knew I was actually listening and taking in what she was saying.
“So, I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Mira asked, but to me, it sounded more like a statement. Like, I’d be seeing her regardless. Today, I'd be skiing along as she told me she was quite tired. I knew she'd felt guilty about declining to come skiing but at least I'd see her tomorrow.
“Yep. Just text me where and when,” I told her.
“I will. And Felix, I can tell when you’re not okay but you don’t have to tell me. Just know that I’m here, I always will be,” Mira said and I squeezed my eyes shut, because even over the phone I couldn’t hide.
“Okay,” was all I could say but it would do.
“I’ve gotta go but I’ll text you later, okay?” Mira’s voice almost sounded pleading. After saying my goodbyes to Mira, the call ended and I released a sigh that I had been holding since the start of the phone call.
“Enough now,” I told no one, deciding it was time to get dressed and go for a ski. I needed to clear my head. Whether it would work, well I’d find out.
The walk to the cable car wasn’t particularly far, and by 9:30 am, it was already busy. I had bundled up extra warm today, as there was a heavier chill in the air. We’d probably have another snowfall later today at this rate. The residents of Ischgl were used to this but the tourists always found this a spectacle. It was the best time of the year to visit, in my opinion.
Christmas holidays would begin soon and I knew just how busy the ski slopes would get. But I didn’t mind, skiing was meant for fun and I’d always thought about teaching my own kids one day. Whether I’d actually have any, I didn’t know.
The idea of love these days seemed far-fetched, I’d almost given up on it completely, or maybe I had. I didn’t keep in touch with my ex and it was best I didn’t. I didn’t want to open that can of worms again. My mental health was supposed to be my priority now, even though I really wasn’t taking good care of myself. I had thought about speaking to a counsellor a month ago and I’d gone to at least one session. I quickly realised that it wasn’t for me and I was better off just speaking to those I was closest to. Mira now acted as though she were my therapist and I hated how that had become the norm. I wanted to be a better brother to her, just to be a better person overall. Nothing was going to change now though, was it?
I scanned my card before going into a vacant cable car, and luckily no one got in with me. I appreciated the quietness and adjusted my helmet on my head, watching the people on the ground get smaller and smaller.
“Well, this is it,” I muttered, leaning back in my seat. Hopefully, today would be a better day. But I’d always said this and no day ever seemed to be. I just wanted something different. Something to hope for.
Maybe even someone .