42. Chapter 41
Chapter 41
Felix
T he day I had been dreading was finally here. An uncomfortable wave of nausea overtook me and this morning, I’d already been close to throwing up a few times, but I had to do this.
Alisha was sitting patiently next to me and she made the effort to keep me calm, talking about anything other than my mother. I needed this woman more than ever. Throughout any difficulty I’d face, I wanted Alisha there with me.
We are all fools in love. This quote from Jane Austen rang true. I’d never read her books but it was a quote I’d stumbled across recently. I knew Alisha loved her too, she said Pride and Prejudice was especially her favourite. She told me about how much she loved reading before falling asleep last night and listening to her describe her favourite authors made me want to love them too. I didn’t really read, never got into it, but maybe I would now.
I definitely was a fool for Alisha. I would choose her a hundred times over. I had completely changed for her and I just needed to find the right moment to tell her that if she wanted forever with me, I’d offer it to her.
I focused back to the present, my pulse racing every time the cafe door opened and closed. Would I recognise my mother after all these years?
After about ten more minutes of waiting, Alisha stood up and offered to get us both another coffee.
“Same again? I might go for something different, maybe a caramel latte this time,” Alisha said casually. I knew she was also trying to stay calm but it was obvious she was just as nervous as me, her hands twitching by her side and her body swaying slightly back and forth.
“Yeah, please. Thanks.” My knee bounced up and down as I watched her make her way to the small queue at the front of the cafe. I noticed her also eyeing up the array of colourful cakes and cookies, before picking two for us. A small smile stretched on my face, feeling grateful she was here.
My attention diverted when I heard the door bell jingle and I twisted my head to look at who was coming in. Despite it being over twenty years, I knew instantly who it was. My mother.
She looked around nervously as she closed the door behind her, scanning the cafe floor for someone. Until her eyes landed on me. It felt as though time stood still and I’d forgotten how to breathe. She knew it was me too as her face fell and her lips wobbled as if she was about to cry.
Was she feeling remorse? Was she happy to see me after all these years?
Feeling brave, I stood up, scraping my chair as I did on the floor and standing tall as my mother walked towards me. She looked…well. Up until now, I only remembered the drunk, torn version of her. Now, her hair was neat and falling in waves around her shoulders. She had strands of grey hair but still looked young. Well, she had me and Mira quite young, at the age of twenty-one and then twenty-three.
When she finally reached me, I had a better look at her. She was wearing a comfortable blue one piece outfit with a small belt. In her hand, she held a small purse and I could see her nails were freshly manicured. She looked like she took good care of herself, that she was.. happy.
“F-felix,” her voice stuttered as she looked at me. Her voice had aged of course and it was ridden with what sounded like guilt.
Good, I hoped she felt guilty, but now was not the time to be angry.
“Hello,” I responded, not quite sure whether to shake her hand. A hug was definitely out of the question though. There was a lot that needed to be discussed and trust to be rebuilt if we were going to have a relationship.
“You look so tall and.. handsome. You look like your father,” Mum said, her voice was now edged with sadness. Probably because she realised she lost out on all these years. Watching me go through puberty, having my first kiss, my first relationship. Aunt Brenna had been the one to give me advice growing up, she’d taken on the role that my mother should have.
“Do I?” I said in disbelief. I didn’t want to look anything like Christian but you couldn’t fight genetics. I hoped I would be at least ten times the man in personality. Scrap that, why should I compare myself to him?
“Yes, I almost thought it was him I was looking at. How are you?” She gingerly took a seat opposite me, placing her purse down on the table. I took a moment to look at her eyes, which were similar to my own. Yet, hers had more of a hint of green. She had long, full eyelashes and slanting cheekbones. She looked like she hadn’t touched a drink in years as her complexion was clear, no bags under her eyes and her composure was normal.
Maybe she had changed. Maybe I owed her a chance to make amends. But first, I’d need to talk to her.
“I am okay. How are you?” I fired the question back to her and she blinked twice before answering.
“I’m very good these days. I work in an art gallery, as an assistant. I know you remember me when I was a drunk but I haven’t touched a drink in years. I don’t want to be that version of myself ever again,” she said calmly. I decided to let her keep talking but now I was wondering how Alisha was doing, as she was taking a little longer than expected.
“You…left us,” was all I could muster but I needed her to hear it.
“I know and I’m so sorry. I hate myself for that. I know I did wrong but I’m here for another chance. Do you think you can give that to me?” Mum’s face was crestfallen and it seemed her words were sincere. Just as I was thinking of what to say next, Alisha was walking slowly towards us with our coffees and cake. She paused, giving me a look to check if it was okay she could join us. I nodded and my mother’s attention diverted from me to Alisha.
“Hi, I’m Alisha,” Alisha said in a chirpy tone, placing the tray down and plopping next to me. Her hand found its way in mine and I instantly relaxed, her soft skin against mine helped me to calm down.
“I’m Valerie, nice to meet you. So, are you two together?” Mum had started speaking in English and then flicked her finger at the two of us. Alisha remained calm beside me as she opened her mouth to answer.
“Yes. We met not that long ago. I’m here on a work holiday and I’m leaving in a few days,” Alisha said. My heart tore a little at hearing her say she’d be leaving soon because I really couldn’t face saying goodbye to her for who knows how long. We were both going to be busy with work, especially now I was working for the ski school. Could we really make this work? I wanted to, so badly. I wanted to fight for us.
“What do you do for work?” My mum seemed very interested in getting to know Alisha and probably because she wanted to prove she was genuine about making amends. I lifted the coffee cup which was steaming and took a sip, the milky liquid splashing against my tongue.
“I’m an aspiring journalist. I’m hoping this article I’m writing will get me a permanent position at the company I work for as a journalist. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do.” Alisha gushed, her face lit up whenever she spoke about her job. It was cute.
“That’s impressive. I hope you get it. What about you, Felix? What do you do now?” Mum turned her attention back to me.
“I was working for a travel agency but I quit. I’m training to be a ski instructor at the ski school,” I said.
“I can see that. You always loved adventure as a little boy. Much more than your sister.” She tucked a piece of her blonde hair behind one ear and then wet her lips.
“Mira works in a hospital. She’s had a few days off but goes back to work tomorrow,” I told my mother ,who again looked impressed. Maybe proud too.
“That’s very brave of her. Is she coming today?” My mum’s voice was laced with a little hesitancy, probably because she knew it’d be much more awkward with Mira. Mira didn’t really remember her and it would take a little longer to gain her trust.
“Not today. But she has asked about you. I think she just needs some time,” I said and my mother nodded, not pressing for any further information. It was something she’d have to accept for now.
“I understand. All I can say is that I’m very sorry. Over these years, I’ve thought so much about the pair of you. What you were doing, whether you were healthy and settled down. When I bumped into Brenna, I felt as those my prayers were answered. I know I need to do all that I can to prove to you all that I’m serious and if there’s room for me in your lives, I’d like to be a part of it,” she said, clasping her hands together tightly. I scanned her features for any sign of dishonesty but couldn’t find any. Maybe she truly meant what she was saying.
“You don’t have to give me an answer now but I’ll give you my contact details and where I live now. I won’t blame you if you decide not to speak to me ever again. But seeing you now, I want to be the mother I should have been,” she finished, taking a card out of her purse to hand to me.
Valerie Huber. So she kept her maiden name then. Me and my sister had decided to take our aunt’s surname long ago because we didn’t want any further attachment to our mother. I didn’t really imagine myself as anything other than a Bauer now.
“Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say but perhaps it was time to head back.
“I’ll leave you both to it. I’ve got to head back to the gallery. Maybe you should come check it out soon?” Mum suggested and I nodded.
Before she left, she looked at me and then said her final words before leaving.
“I’ll always love you, Felix. Never stopped.” When she left, I pondered on her words and then came up with my own response in my head.
Part of me always loved her too, I just hadn’t realised it until now. Funny how the heart works.
But when I turned to the gorgeous woman sitting next to me, eating her slice of chocolate cake, I realised it was a different kind of love. And the love I was feeling for Alisha was indescribable. Satiable. I couldn’t breathe without her and was totally enamoured with her. I knew I needed to tell her soon but for now, I finished eating cake with her and reflecting on the meet-up with my mother, which had gone better than expected.
“Do you think you’ll contact her?” Alisha was just finishing her final piece of cake.
“I think so. I’ll talk to Mira about it though. I feel like we still need to talk about the past and about my dad, what happened between them,” I told Alisha. There was so much more to discover and it scared me, but at least I had jumped over the first hurdle. With Alisha now in my life, it was going to be easier to jump over more hurdles but I wanted her to tackle them with me.