13. Merle
Merle
King leads me into the kitchen the next morning. I move in jerks and starts, bile rushing up my throat and threatening to ruin my day. Still, Rolly is behind me, chatting about some show he watched. I don’t know what he’s talking about, I just like the sound of his voice.
Blaze holds a chair out for me, and I slide in, trying to make myself as small as possible. I catch all their scents in the air, a mix that is starting to feel safe.
Sage smiles and passes me a piece of toast with raspberry jam on it. My face burns, but I take it, nibbling on the corner, while King and Rolly sit down and start arguing. I don’t know when their gentle bickering stopped being threatening, but somewhere along the line, it’s just become noise.
Aaron walks in with wet hair. His sandy brown hair curling damply around his neck. His hazel eyes look around the table coldly but pause on me, turning soft and almost pained.
“Good morning, Merle,” he says gently.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I don’t have words anymore.
Instead, I dip my chin and force a smile and hope that’s enough. Judging by the way his shoulders relax, it is.
King dumps an orange beside my plate. I lunge for it, pulling it onto my lap and holding it against my stomach.
He reaches out and puts a hand on my thigh while he leans on his elbow and talks quietly with Sage.
He might not be aware of his touch, but I am acutely aware of the shape of his thumb that strokes my inner knee, how long and large those fingers are over the curve of my thigh.
The heat and the pulse of him, the scent that teases my nose.
He’s a solid, real wall of protection, a barrier between the world and everything else.
The breakfast goes quickly, I barely hear anything; my ears ring. I don’t speak, and then, they are leaving, and I’m left wondering what I’m to do.
“We can’t walk today because it’s raining cats and dogs,” Rolly says and yanks me up out of my chair.
I don’t even have time to gasp before he’s dragging me away.
“Do you like cats or dogs, by the way? I can get you one of either or three of both?”
I blink rapidly, trying to keep up with his erratic questions.
“I like cats. It’s the attitude. Dogs just love you and fart. But cats, they always surprise you. I think you’re more of a cat person, aren’t you?”
He whirls and catches up my forearms, grabbing me before I can fall backwards. Rolly smiles. It makes my stomach flutter in a way that isn’t the same as being scared.
“Cats?” he asks.
I nod. I would agree to anything with him this close to me, turning my brain to gibberish.
He beams, and it’s like the light of the sun. It’s dazzling.
He spins me around and then grabs my wrist and pulls me to the lounge.
“Do you want to play cards with me?”
Cards?
I narrow my eyes and watch Rolly’s hands intently. I’m not sure if he’s cheating or just really good at this game, but he’s winning every single hand and has an enormous pile of chocolate pieces in front of him.
I want those chocolate pieces.
Rolly rocks back and cackles when he wins another hand.
“I win again.”
I look between the cards, then grab his hand, turning it this way and that.
He gasps. “I’m offended! I would never cheat.”
I crawl closer to him, checking his sleeves and lap, while he laughs and tries to fend me off. I don’t find anything. Not a single thing.
With a disgusted growl, I sit back and snarl.
He waggles his finger. “I have the luck of all the gods when it comes to cards.”
I stare at him mutinously, then glance at the pile of chocolate. I grab a handful and run.
He howls in outrage and chases me. I run faster, smiling and laughing as I duck through the house. I open a door and slip in, closing it quickly before he rounds the corner.
The chocolate goes into my mouth, then I turn and stop dead.
Blaze is wearing a deep teal hanfu and has a blade in his hand. I recognise the sword as one called a Dao, it’s got one edge, but it’s the movements that have me frozen. He moves like water, flowing this way and that, the sword an extension of his arm.
He is beautiful.
Rolly scoffs. “Don’t get distracted by his peacock dance. He’s just showing off and trying to get your attention.”
I widen my eyes, glancing at him then away. It’s working!
Blaze doesn’t acknowledge either of us. The room is empty in the middle, it’s just a big area and a mat. There are five swords on the wall in a display cabinet. It’s a very stark and strange space, made more so by the incredible skill and grace of the alpha who is lost in his movements.
“Blaze learned to dance with the blades when he was really young. He protected his brother, probably too much. He and Kota have different dads, but Blaze’s dad made him learn things he thought would be useful.”
What is useful? I wonder uneasily. Because while this dance is very beautiful, it looks like he could take down an army.
I turn to Rolly, deliberately looking at him.
“You want to know about my family?” he asks.
I nod.
“Oh, there’s nothing really to tell. My family sees me as the second unwanted child, so they just pretended I didn’t exist.”
There is no inflection in his voice, no sadness or tremble. He says it exactly as it is, like its fact and it doesn’t bother him, but I can’t help but get the feeling that it bothers him. A lot.
I reach out and take his hand.
He looks at me like I just hung the moon.
“Come on, let’s leave the prancing prince to his dance. I want to go get something to eat.”
I frown at him because how can he still be hungry, but Rolly sweeps me up, dragging me through the house, back into the kitchen, where he starts pulling out pots and pans and then rapidly mixing up different ingredients.
It’s such a chaotic mess that I can’t even begin to guess at what he’s making; I just sit there and watch.
But there is one tiny, niggling feeling that bothers me. Blaze is incredible with his sword, but for Rolly, slicing things is almost as skilled an art form. He moves the blade with such confidence and ease that it’s a blur.
I’m so fascinated watching him that the sound, when it comes, tears a small scream out of me. I throw myself face-first off the counter and dive into the pantry, sliding under the shelves.
Rolly crouches, his knife in his hand. “Stay right there. Nothing is going to get you,” he says in a voice that I have never heard him use before. He’s serious and deadly and dangerous, and I don’t for one second doubt he means it.
“Who is it?” I hear Sage hiss.
“I have no idea. I didn’t even know we had a fucking doorbell,” Rolly growls as he rushes off.
Then their voices move too far away.
The pantry opens.
“Ah, I see, I see. No, you’ve taken a wrong turn. You need to go back. This is private property, and only me and my alpha live here,” Rolly says confidently.
Aaron crouches down beside me, his alpha aura filling the air with the sharpest cut of roses.
His fingers slide down, down, down and hang there.
I stare at them, then reach out, just brushing them.
He captures my hand, stands and pulls me out and behind him.
I stand in the shadow of the massive alpha, and I tremble.
I’ve done this before. Somewhere else. We’ve stood like this. Why can’t I remember?
My breathing is a whisper, but my head is spinning, spinning. I’m going to fall. His hand is still closed over mine, holding me safe. Anchoring me to the world.
Pix slips into the pantry, his face illuminated for a second by sharp yellow light before he becomes just another gloomy shape in the dark.
He grabs our joined hands and pushes the knife I gave him back into my grip, then he quietly slips out of the space without saying a single word.
I feel better having the knife in my hands. Not that I know how to use it.
It’s something.
The door opens, and Sage looks in, checking in first with Aaron, then with me.
“All fixed. Just some random walker who got lost in the woods.”
I don’t believe that, and I don’t think he does either. As soon as Aaron lets me go, I tuck my shoulders, and sticking close to the wall, go back to my room and sit there, trying not to think about everything.
Sage comes in and sits on the floor beside me. He’s got no shoes on, blue jeans, and a shirt.
“I’m trying to think of a place that is better for you. Would you like to go to the city?”
I shake my head violently, almost gagging with the horror of that suggestion.
“Okay, no city. What about…I mean, we could all get in the car and drive. We could just follow the sun.”
It’s tempting, but again, I shake my head.
“All right, what about a camping trip? Bonnie Sanderson leads people through the mountains. We’d be outside, in the sun, moving through the world, no people.”
I stare at him, thinking it over. I could run, if I had to.
In the end, I shake my head.
“Oh, okay,” he says, disappointed. “So, you want to stay here, then?”
I watch his face, studying the uncertainty written there. I wait until he’s looking at me, then I nod my head.
“Staying here is what is going to make you happy?”
I nod without hesitation.
Sage smiles. It’s a smile that does something to me. I made this alpha happy, I made that smile. My fingers tangle with his of their own volition.
I sit stiffly for a long time, but gradually relax and eventually let my head rest on his shoulder. He doesn’t talk.
Neither do I.
We just exist.