Jay
Ithought it would be upsetting to find myself back in bed with them, but the comfort is okay.
I’m fine with it. I extract myself carefully, letting the heavy arm of the alpha land lightly on the bed.
Sage shifts in his sleep, murmuring. Blaze pulls him tighter.
They are so attuned to each other that they don’t even rise from sleep when the other moves.
I slip from the room and find myself wandering the house, taking in all the little details.
The messages on Post-It notes on the fridge, scrawling in someone’s awful writing.
A dirty plate in the sink, a tea towel left on the bench.
When I open the fridge, I see the strawberry milk that Rolly loves, and the protein shakes that King drinks.
In the lounge, on the wall are swords. Five of them. I know they are different kinds from different civilizations and cultures, but I don’t know enough to be able to tell anything but that they must be expensive.
Blaze keeps treasures. He’s got vases, artwork, and tapestries in all the corners of the house.
Sage keeps something altogether different.
I touch the head of the dachshund and watch it bobble, its eyes whirling madly.
There’s a figurine of a famous action hero on the toilet and a whole bookshelf of comic books.
Tiny, funny, cute things that don’t cost much but sit like little surprises for the unwary to find.
There are no photos.
Anywhere.
When I search, I start to see the weapons they have hidden. A dagger under the table. A baton on the fridge. In every other corner, there are weapons, but further, as I start to explore, I start noticing how the layout of this place seems a bit strange.
It takes me a bit, but I find the hidden tunnel and follow it up to the forest. I stand in the doorway looking out, then I slide it closed and retreat. It’s strange to realise that I don’t need to be out there. I am…happy here.
For one brief moment, I’m not alone. Someone was with me, just for a moment, but I have no idea who it was.
I go back down into the house and continue thoroughly exploring this world. It keeps me busy, it stops me from thinking. I am meticulous.
In a spare room that is all dark, I find an easel, and on the frame is a single painting. I walk around it slowly and find a bird.
I’m relieved to see it isn’t a blue jay or a raven. But I’m disconcerted to see a phoenix burning up the sky. Whoever painted it even burned the edges of the painting, making it look more real.
I can’t look away from it.
That’s what we should have been. In a perfect world, we would have lit up the world like a phoenix. Shining, unstoppable.
If we had been that, we would have survived, we would have destroyed him, and we wouldn’t be in this situation.
My anger bubbles up, and I grip my fists hard, glaring at the canvas.
“Are you going to blame her?” Raven whispers from my mouth. Her cynical, hostile tone hits me hard.
I shake my head, furious and wanting her gone so I can sulk in my pain and anger alone.
“Yes,” I snarl, angry and pissed off that she won’t let me be.
“Is it really her fault, though? I mean, you are the first. You’re the one who couldn’t cope and tore us apart.”
Her words are lashes, ripping open the wounds that hold all the pain hidden and out of sight.
“Shut up, Raven,” I snarl. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It happened; blaming us isn’t going to change the events. All we can do is make the most of the life we have now. This proclivity you have towards loathing ourselves is getting old. It doesn’t help anyone.”
Her words are strange, and I want to call her on them, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what’s irritating me about it.
I huff and spin back to the portrait. For a moment, I lose the ability to control the body, and we just stare at the painting.
“Raven!” I grind out. “Let go.”
She holds for a long moment, then lets go, releasing me with a suddenness that has me stumbling.
“You can sulk, but don’t punish us. No junk food. No binge eating. Do not do anything to upset her.”
I snarl, frustrated. “I won’t.”
Raven growls once more and then subsides, disappearing back into her dark, leaving me feeling empty and alone.
I leave the room with the painting and go and sit on the couch, but it doesn’t feel good. I shift my weight, feeling hollow. The urge to do the things Raven told me not to do hits hard.
Instead, I think of the alphas that are ours. I think of the comfort they provide each other, and before I can think twice, I go back to the room and approach the bed.
As soon as I kneel on the edge, Sage’s eyes open. He sees me and reaches out, dragging me into the kind of hug that makes you feel safe.
Then, he starts to purr.
I think it’s the first time I’ve been able to relax without losing control ever. I bury my face in his neck and silently cry the tears that come with the memories.
Another massive body presses against me from behind, wrapping me up safe and warm. More scents fill the air, mixing, twining around each other, and I realise the whole pack is in the room.
Witnessing my loss of control.
Helping me mourn the past.
Treating me like I’m family.
Making the world safe.