6. Asher
6
ASHER
L ola left a moment ago to go somewhere with Hayden and the house is totally empty now since Sawyer, Viv, and Baz were making their exit just as I was coming home from my “date” with Claudia.
She was fun, and she gave me her number in case I’m ever back in town, but I’m not keeping it. I have no interest in seeing her again.
And for Sawyer and Viv not being in a relationship, they’re sure spending a hell of a lot of time together. But what the fuck ever. I change into swim trunks and go outside to Lola’s pool, laying out in the sun.
I pull out a joint—a parting gift from Claudia—and light up as I lounge, soaking up the rays and hoping the world will stop, even if only for a little while.
My eyes are closed, but I’m annoyed by a presence over me and look up to find my brother standing in front of me, casting a shadow on my day and killing my buzz. “Linc.”
“Ash.” His eyes trail to the lit joint in my hand. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
I wish he’d go away, but he’s a pain in the ass and takes a seat next to me, his knees bent as he remains sitting up straight and eyeing me with suspicion, which I don’t like. “You’re getting high in the middle of the afternoon. Alone.”
I take a long drag from the joint pinched between my pointer finger and my thumb and slowly let the smoke roll out of my mouth. “Yeah. Another win for California. This shit’s legal here.” I offer it to him, but he passes.
“You know a kid lives here.”
“That kid is on a playdate with a dipshit and his mother.”
His hand caresses his jaw, and he nods. “I’m assuming that’s Sawyer.”
I nod and raise an eyebrow. “Why? Is there some other dipshit hanging with Viv and Baz?”
I’m trying to seem cool and collected. Like I couldn’t give a fuck, but I doubt he’s buying it. “Not that I know of. Viv isn’t going to have that kid around a stranger.”
I scoff, taking another hit, waiting for my body to relax. “Right. Because she knew Sawyer so goddamn well.”
His irritation is palpable as he leans forward. “You did. And she trusted you, dipshit. And I believe they’d been hanging out for what? A year with you before they tried dating.”
“Don’t you have to work?” I groan and stretch my free arm up into the air. “You’re killing my high.”
“Nah, real estate. I pretty much set my own schedule.” He grins, clearly proud of himself, and I have to fight the pride I feel for my big brother kicking ass out on his own. “Plus, my little bitch boy handles a lot of it.”
I smirk. “Sawyer?”
He nods his head, laughing. “Yeah. He’s really not bad though.” I groan and lay my head back with my eyes closed.
“Ah, fuck it.” I hear and then the joint disappears from between my fingers, and I hear him inhale deeply before letting the smoke out.
I chuckle, thinking about what Colt would think of this. He never even drank. Okay, so he drank two fucking times that I know of. The night Viv got knocked up with Baz and the night he died.
A cold chill falls over my body as Linc settles back into his chair.
Fuck, Colt would be pissed about this shit.
I turn to look at him, momentarily wondering if I murmured that shit out loud, but I didn’t.
He turns to look at me, a sad smile on his face. “You aren’t the only one who thinks about him all the time, man.” I watch him swallow tightly and take another hit, letting the smoke slowly flow from his lips and up into the air. “All of the time.”
The ache inside me only worsens. “You don’t show it.”
“Because I married Penelope? And because I'm happy most of the fucking time? You honestly think he would want us all miserable?”
“I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want you fucking his girl daily.”
He doesn’t flinch. “She’s not his.” He tucks an arm under his head, totally relaxed. “There was a time I felt so fucking guilty, and maybe I still do, but Ash,” his eyes meet mine, “she was always mine. Always.”
I feel bile rise in my throat and take the joint back from him, taking a quick puff and looking over at him. He’s different now. Mature. Settled.
Hell, he’s happy.
I shouldn’t hate it. I’m not even sure I do anymore.
“Why the fuck did you hire Sawyer?”
He shrugs. “I knew him. I know he has a good background for this shit, and he was fairly impressive in his interview.”
No one charms Linc. That shit is fucking crazy. “Not just to fuck with me?”
He laughs. “Nope. No one needs to fuck with you, Ash. You’re doing a pretty damn good job at doing that by yourself.”
I look up at the blue sky. “Right.”
“They aren’t dating, you know?”
I don’t want to talk. I want to lay in the sun and ignore the world. “I don’t care. I didn’t ask.”
“Well, they aren’t.”
Fuck, Linc. When the hell did he get so chatty? “ It sure seems like they are. Considering all the dating they’re doing.”
“They aren’t committed. Not at all. He said she doesn’t want a relationship, and he doesn’t either.”
What the fuck? Why? It makes no sense at all. They were all ready to move out here and date. Then, fucking what? They decided . . . nah ?
“I didn’t ask, Linc. Why are you telling me this?”
He sits up and looks directly at me. “Because you should know if you still want her, you still have a chance.”
I fight the laugh and roll my eyes. “I never wanted a chance with her in the first place. That’s why she moved on to Sawyer.” My shoulder lifts. “Although, I guess he didn’t cut it.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
Well, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. I stare at him, and he shakes his head, laughing.
“For whatever reason, they didn’t work out the way they thought they would. And you can tell yourself you don’t want her all you want, but I saw the way you looked at her at my wedding. I saw the torment in your eyes after Hayden hit you, and it wasn’t because of your swollen face.”
“Linc, drop it.”
“Fine. I know for a fact that Colt would want us all to be happy, and we’re getting there. It doesn’t mean we don’t wish he was here too. But we can’t just sit around waiting to die, living a miserable existence.”
I sit up and face him. “I can’t turn into Dad.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then his hands grab my head, and he forces me to look at him, really look at him. “You are not Dad. None of us are. You also aren’t me.”
I swallow tightly, wanting to look away but his hands hold me in place. I’ve struggled for so long to find my place in the world. When Viv left, and my entire family was here, and Colt was long gone, I thought maybe I would. But I’d never been more lost.
I went back into my old ways of getting fucked-up, of finding solace in warm bodies who didn’t know or care to know my name. Drinking and fucking my way into a downward spiral. I wanted Colt back. I wanted to feel carefree again.
Nothing worked.
“If I ended up with Viv, I would be.”
“Bullshit. You’re stronger than our fucked-up genes. It’s a choice how we end up. And once you get that, everything will be clear. Dad chose to be miserable. He chose to cheat and be a shitty husband and father. It is a choice.”
“What if I'm not strong enough to make the right choice?”
“You are. You’re Asher Sterling. Linc, Lola, and Colt’s little brother, but you’re so much more than that and always have been.”
“You’re really fucking up my high.” I should say something better than that. Thank you would be good, but that’s all that will come out of my mouth.
He smiles, releases me, and ruffles my hair before shoving my chest back. “You’re welcome.”
Fuck.
I don’t want to feel good. I don’t want him to have said exactly what I needed to hear for so long.
But damn if he didn’t do just that.