13. Vivienne
13
VIVIENNE
“ Y ou’ve really picked up on all of this quickly.”
I smile at Penelope as she drives us back to our houses. Today was fun. I was never interested in real estate, but decorating is a lot of fun. And a lot of hard work.
“I really enjoy it.”
She nods her head and pulls into the drive at Lola’s. “Okay, so do you want to talk about the hickey on your neck and that dreamy look in your eyes? Or no?”
I look at her, my mouth gaping open. “What?”
She cocks her head to the side, raising one eyebrow. “Come on, girl.” She points to her heart. “You’re talking to a girl who has loved two out of three Sterling brothers. There’s no amount of guilt or shame I haven’t felt.”
I blush slightly, and then she laughs.
“Oh shit. I guess you have too.”
I shake my head and tuck my hair nervously behind my ear. “I didn’t love Colt.” Okay, now it’s awkward. Nothing is off-limits with the Sterlings, I swear. I was Colt’s mistress. I mean, not technically since they weren’t married, but still.
She places a hand on my arm and smiles. “I know, but what I mean is . . . you don’t need to feel shame for falling for one of the Sterling brothers. They’re charismatic, broken, strong douchebags, but they’re easy to love.”
“How did you know it was Asher who left the hickey?” I’m not going into the fact that Sawyer added to it.
“I just had a feeling with him moving back in. I don’t think you two can stay away from each other.”
“We should.”
Her brow furrows. “Why’s that?”
Now I'm looking at her like she’s insane because she might just be. “Are you kidding? We’re toxic to each other.”
I shudder, thinking about Asher’s words this morning.
“Oh please.” I stare at her in amazement. “I spent so long thinking Linc was bad for me and I was bad for him, and it was only when we finally gave in that I found a sense of peace.”
My throat tightens. “We only bring each other chaos.”
She smiles at that and shakes her head like she knows something I don’t. “No, you don’t. I’ve seen the way you look at each other.”
“You mean with disdain and regret.”
She doesn't entertain that for a moment. “Love. It’s love.”
“Look, even Lola knows we don’t belong together, that we’re each other’s poison.”
Her shoulders shrug as she looks up at Lola’s house, the sun starting to set in the background. We were out a lot later than I expected, and I wonder if Baz is still up and running around or if Asher managed to get him to lie down.
“She’s hung up on her parents. And trust me, that was a shitshow, but you aren’t them. None of us are.”
“Asher doesn’t want a relationship. I tried. I wanted us to try, Penelope. He didn’t want to.”
“Asher’s a pussy.” My eyes widen when she meets my eyes. She said that so calmly. She laughs and shrugs again. “He’s a strong man, but he’s terrified of becoming their father. They all are. None of them realize how good they are.”
“I can’t force him to love me.”
She scoffs. “No force needed, it’s already there.”
It didn’t feel like love this morning. He wouldn’t even touch me. He wouldn’t look at me. Inside I'm screaming these things, but I don’t say anything.
“Viv.” I didn’t realize I had looked away and toward the house through the windshield of her car, so I turn back to her. “Don’t give up on him. He needs you.”
I sigh softly. “You’re smart, Penelope, but I think you have this one wrong. I’m not what he wants. I never was.”
“You’re exactly what he needs. He doesn't trust anyone. He’s angry and lost, but when he was with you . . .” Her eyes are watery, and I feel bad, knowing how she has taken the blame for so much that wasn’t her fault, especially when it comes to Asher. “It was like he got to breathe. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s emotional punching bag, but it’s like with you, he can be himself. And he was free for a moment in time.”
“I think he felt trapped.”
She shakes her head, her throat flexing with sadness. “He’s trapped in grief he’s never dealt with. I think you could help him with that if he would just let you.”
“We aren’t right for each other.”
“Only you two can decide that. But know I'm team Ash and Viv.”
I laugh, fighting back tears, knowing that’s impossible. “Thank you for today. I learned a lot.”
“No problem. You have class tomorrow?”
“In the evening. Yes.”
She smiles. “Soon you’ll be teaching me.”
I push the car door open. “I doubt that very much.” I turn back to her. “Thank you for being a friend to me when you didn’t have to be.”
She smiles. “You need to forgive yourself for that.”
She’s referring to Colt. “I didn’t know you, but I still didn’t do it to hurt you.”
She takes a deep breath and then manages a smile. “I loved Colt, but we were the ones who weren’t right for each other. You didn’t come between us because we weren’t truly together. Something was missing.”
I push the door open and climb out, thinking about what was missing with me and Asher and feeling numb because it felt so perfect until it wasn’t.
“Viv?”
I turn toward Penelope before shutting the door. “Yes?”
“The only people who came between you and Ash were yourselves . The answer is right there.”
I stare at her, unsure what the hell that means as I close the car door, and she waves with a smile before backing out of the drive.
The answer is right there.
What the hell is she talking about. We are the reason we aren’t together.
Of course, we are. Isn’t that how it works?