32. Vivienne
32
VIVIENNE
T oday was a normal day. After we finished watching the movie, we both went to our own beds. This morning we woke up and did our usual routine. Asher took a very groggy Baz to school. I went to work.
When we all got home, we ate dinner. I put Baz to bed. But nothing feels normal, not after last night.
God, the way he held me. The way he kissed me.
It’s enough to make my stupid heart flutter in my chest just thinking about it, but when I walk outside and find him sitting alone on the beach with his toes digging into the sand, the heart that was just fluttering with wonder and excitement, sinks.
The way he’s looking at the water is terrifying and sends a chill straight to my bones. “Asher.”
My whisper is quiet in the wind as I sit in the cool sand next to him. My feet and legs are bare, and I wish I was wearing jeans instead of a skirt.
He doesn’t say a word as I close my eyes and turn my head away from looking at his beautiful profile. The look on his face is too stoic to bear. I reopen them when I'm facing the ocean. “The way you’re watching the water,” I keep my voice low as if I will spook him, “it’s like you want to join Colt.”
My head dips down to look at the sand, but he doesn’t move. “I miss him. Every day.” I know he does.
“We would all miss you too.”
He takes a deep breath, but he still doesn’t move. “You don’t have anything to worry about. I won’t do that to Baz.”
Baz.
Not to me or his sister or brother. But for Baz, this man will live with unimaginable pain. “If Baz wasn’t a factor?”
Finally, he turns his head, and I swivel mine to look into his broken eyes. “I’m not suicidal. You don’t need to worry.”
“You have to forgive yourself, Asher. You were a child.”
“I was old enough to know he was hurting, that something was wrong. What it was exactly, I'm not sure, but I think he knew Penelope had fucked Linc.”
I don’t know the whole story. It’s really not my place to ask, but he hasn’t either. I think there’s a big chunk he doesn’t know about. “Maybe you should ask her.”
I watch the deep swallow he takes. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing will bring him back.”
He looks even more sad now, his eyes dropping to the sand between us. “Are you okay?”
I know he’s talking about last night because no matter how much he tries to seem like an unfeeling asshole, he cares. Maybe he cares too deeply, and it’s crippling. “I’m fine.”
I move my hand to let my fingers brush against the stubble of his cheek, and he grabs my wrist, pulling my hand away as he looks into my eyes. “Are you really okay?”
I let him hold onto me. I don’t want him to let go. “No.”
He drops my wrist, but I move to my knees, kneeling before him as he sits on the cold sand and place my hands on his shoulders.
His gaze is distant as he tries to disconnect. “Are you still in love with me?”
It’s not a question I’m prepared for. It’s one I've all but answered recently, and yet last night, I still had sex with him. I let him inside of my body, knowing full well my heart was 100 percent in it and his was not.
I sweep my lips over his. “Shut up.” It’s a breathy request before I nip at his bottom lip, capturing his full lips with my own and not wanting to let go. I feel his hands tangle in my hair as he kisses me back.
“Viv,” he breathes, sounding nearly in pain.
“Don’t, Asher.” My hands wrap around his neck as I press my chest to his, hoping he can feel my heart, hoping he knows how much I love him. But I’m not stupid. “I’m a big girl, and I know exactly what’s coming, but I can’t stop this.” I bite his bottom lip and kiss him as I whisper softly, “I don’t want to.”
He pulls me onto his lap. We’re breathing hard, the evidence of what we do to each other is between my thighs as I rub against his erection, intertwining in the best possible way. “I can’t lose Baz again.”
“You won’t.”
It’s a promise in the dark night, but when I feel him relax and pull me even closer to him, I know he believes me.
And he should because no matter what, I won’t hurt him again, even if my heart splinters into a million pieces.