41. Asher
41
ASHER
“ I sn’t she beautiful?” I smile at my mother, who’s looking over at Lola, dancing with her new husband, Hayden.
They’re married and oh, so fucking happy. And for once, looking around at my family, seeing the smiles on their faces and the happiness there, I’m happy too.
Insanely happy.
Viv and I are in love, and I've stopped being an asshole about it.
I tell her every single chance I get, which is often. We bought a house together. Of course, Linc sold it to us. Down the block from Lola and Hayden and Linc and Penelope.
We’re moving in tomorrow.
Viv thought it might be too fast, considering I just told her I love her a few months ago, but I reminded her I’ve been in love with her for a lot longer than that.
That sealed the deal.
I watch Baz dancing with Viv and smile. I hope this doesn’t fuck him up too much, but I can’t and won’t stop loving his mother.
Although right now, he’s thrilled. Vivienne has explained to him as clearly as she can that we’re together. But to Baz, we always have been.
Who knows, maybe the kid knew it all along.
“Yeah, Mom. She is.”
She looks into my eyes, and it nearly kills me because I can see the emotion there. I know she wants to talk seriously. And it seems it’s her turn. “I never wanted you to be him.”
I sigh and sway to the music, secretly wishing the song would end so I can escape, but knowing I need to be a man. “I know, Mom. You just missed him.”
“I’ll never forgive myself for how I acted after.” Her eyes fill up with tears. “I was so broken.”
“You should forgive yourself. I was a dick.”
“No. You weren’t.” Her voice is firm. “You were the strongest one. You faced it. You thought we all forgot about him, Asher, but we haven’t. We never could.” The song stops, and she stops dancing, brushing my cheek with the back of her hand. “If we had though, you would be there to remind us.”
I nod, so much emotion catching the words that are stuck in my throat.
And she only smiles because she knows. She nods to someone behind me and kisses my cheek before joining her husband. I feel someone approaching, and when she stops in front of me, dressed in a bright yellow sundress, I almost can’t believe it.
“Penelope?”
She just smiles and holds out her hand to me. “Dance with me, Asher.”
I take her hand hesitantly, not denying her but uncertain. We’ve known each other for a long time, but still . . . we haven’t spent a lot of time together.
Not alone.
I’ve spent years hating her, blaming her for Colt’s death but too chicken to actually ask her about it. I feel Viv’s eyes on us, gently nudging me to do just that.
“I don’t think this is the place.”
She laughs as she dances with me. “I think it’s the perfect place. Ask me, Asher.”
“I don’t want to.” It’s a quiet whisper. “Can’t we just move forward.”
She nods her head as we dance at a distance. “Yes. If you actually can. If you have no questions in your heart. Yes. I’m happy to let you hate me forever, but I love you like a little brother. And always have.”
Goddamn it.
“Did you and Linc fuck when Colt was still alive?”
The question doesn’t faze her. It’s been there for years. I accused them of it long ago. I know what I saw on prom night.
“Yes.”
I don’t feel the anger I thought I would. Maybe because I already knew. “For how long?”
“Prom night was the first and only time while he was alive.”
My throat feels raw, and I hate talking about this shit. I hate thinking about it. I look over at Viv, who is dancing happily with Baz, and I know, in order to fully get to her, I need to put this shit to bed.
“Did he ever know?”
She shakes her head. “No. That night . . .” She has tears in her eyes, and even if she did cheat on my brother, I know she’s remorseful about it. And I can’t hate her, no matter how much I want to. “Asher, I don’t know what happened between me and Colt. I know we loved each other very much. I know I’m guilty of loving Linc too. But he . . .”
She looks desperate to find the right words, and I don’t want her to fear it. “Tell me. I’m a lot older now. I can handle it.”
“I never felt good enough for him. He was always striving to be the best. And no matter how hard I tried to get him to really, truly love me, there was something missing. Always. And prom night . . . we broke up. Or I thought we did. It doesn’t matter.”
“You broke up the night you fucked Linc?” She never felt good enough for him. I don’t think any of us ever did.
“We did. And then he apologized the next day, and everything got so screwed up. I don’t know. It just never felt right.”
“So he cheated on you. But you didn’t cheat on him?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. Maybe because we were just so wrong for each other, it doesn’t matter. I loved him.”
“I know you did.”
She looks over at Viv and then back at me. “Make sure she knows how much you love her.”
“That, I actually can do.”
She kisses my cheek. “The details of the past don’t really matter. It only matters that we’re here now. That we tell Baz about Colt every chance we get, and we love each other hard until the day we die.”
“I agree.” She lets go of me, but I stop her quickly with my words. “I’m sorry I was so horrible to you.”
She shrugs. “Don’t stop being you. I like you just the way you are.” She says it in her best mocking, kindergarten voice, and I flip her off before I join Baz and Viv, happily dancing with them.
Because if Colt’s watching, I want him to see it. Because all the bullshit and the grief, the fuckups and sadness, it all led us here.
Back to each other.