Chapter 6 #2
Deep in the dark with the door closed, once my heart stops pounding and my nerve endings stop hurting, I allow myself a few minutes to sob quietly. I long for Mav, Blake, and Shade’s arms around me. I want them so badly. I crave their touches. Even a hug would do.
But they don’t even know what’s going on here, what Joe and his minions are doing.
I don’t want them to, either. The thought of their eyes seeing any of this, their inevitable questions, the pity, has bile rising in my throat.
My promise to Shade in the pagoda is still irrelevant. I’m handling this. Or at least I will be. I silence the tiny voice that reminds me of how much I hate it when they keep things from me.
This is different…right?
But they’ll be worried that I haven’t been in contact. My phone hasn’t come back from charging, so I can only assume it’s gone too. Nasty Nurse hasn’t returned my laptop either.
I sit in the closet as long as I think I can get away with it, emerging from the dark to find it much later than I thought.
No one’s come looking for me, thankfully.
I slip out of my room and down the stairs. It’s after seven, so there should be some hot food somewhere. I go into the kitchen and find a pot on the stove. It looks like chili, and there’s some rice in another pan, so I get myself a bowl and grab some food.
‘What are you doing?’
I turn to find one of the maids who helped Nasty Nurse go through my room. She has her hands on her hips.
‘You’re not allowed in here,’ she says.
‘I live here,’ I reply.
She makes a low, derisive sound. ‘You’re not just supposed to help yourself.’
I sigh, not really having the energy for yet another confrontation. ‘I’m hungry. I’m eating. I’ve barely had anything to eat in days.’
The girl rolls her eyes at me. ‘Whatever. I’m gonna go tell the nurse that you’re down here stuffing your face.’
I shrug, but inside my body clenches. What if I’m really not allowed? Will she correct me again? Will she make me have a cold shower and video me again if I lose control of my bladder?
I push the fears down ruthlessly. I can’t let them take control of me, or my actions, or I might as well marry Joe right now.
I leave the kitchen slowly, going into the library, and eating the rest of my dinner.
No one bothers me and I sit there until the clock reads 8:50. Then, I start to feel antsy.
Lights out is at nine.
I have to be in my room by nine.
I don’t want to do it, but I can’t help it. I don’t want another correction. As I stand, Samantha comes into the room. She starts as she sees me.
‘I didn’t know you were in here,’ she says very quietly, looking over her shoulder at the closed door.
‘How is Stephens?’ I ask, checking the time.
8:52
‘Broken leg and some bumps and bruises, but they said he’ll be fine. He can’t come back to work for a few weeks though.’
I nod, feeling relieved. At least he’s not dead, but Joe and Nasty Nurse definitely wanted him gone and now he is.
‘I charged your phone. They’ve been tearing the house apart looking for it, but I have a good spot.’
‘Thanks,’ I say, taking it and turning it on.
‘Are you okay?’ she asks quietly.
I begin to nod and say that I’m fine, but then I stop.
‘No,’ I say very quietly, telling the truth to this one person. ‘I’m not okay. That nurse is a sadistic and cruel woman. Joe Banderville is a psychotic megalomaniac. They’re hurting me. Trying to break me.’
Samantha’s eyes widen. ‘Can I do anything?’
‘If you can, I’ll let you know,’ I say.
8:56
She nods. ‘I have to get back. Hide it in the spot you and Stephens picked.’
Samatha leaves and I message the guys some half-truths quickly about why I’ve been MIA.
Sorry. Phone was dead. Stephens in hospital. Have a cold so couldn’t go to class. See you in a couple of days if I feel better. Night xx
I turn it off and stash it behind the books before glancing at the clock for a final time.
8:59
I walk quickly from the room, and up the stairs. I feel as if someone’s watching me, but I can’t see anyone. I get to my room and go inside.
She’s waiting for me.
‘Lights out, Marguerite.’
Like I can’t tell the time.
‘Can I have my laptop back, please?’ I ask.
‘I’m not done with it,’ she sniffs.
‘I have class in a couple of days. I have a paper to write for it.’
Nasty Nurse doesn’t answer, but her gaze doesn’t waver as I take off my clothes and put on a white nightdress that looks like it belongs in 1901. I try to ignore how she watches me because I know it’s to mess with me.
‘A gift from Joe?’ I query, as I trace my fingers down the coarse woolen fabric.
She nods. ‘Perfect for you, isn’t it?’
‘Perfect,’ I echo, as my skin begins to itch.
She watches me pee and brush my teeth in the bathroom with the door wide open, and then she yawns.
‘I was told you went into the kitchen without asking. You know your fiancé wants you on a diet for the wedding. You can’t stuff your face all the time, you pig.
’ She shakes her head at me. ‘But I’ll be nice and not correct you this time.
You’ve earned a day in your room tomorrow with no food though. ’
I open my mouth to ask her why that’s suddenly a rule, and how I was meant to know about it, but then I see the remote to the Stinger in her hand.
Her fingers move over it, and she flips it in her palm.
She could so easily press the button, even by mistake.
She’s playing with it, playing with me. This is just a game to her.
‘Thank you, Nurse Smith,’ I say instead, and she laughs.
‘Now, isn’t this so much easier than constantly being at odds with each other?’ she asks, giving my cheek a hard pat that makes me flinch. ‘Joe wants your hair shorter. I suggested a pixie cut. I’ll be doing it tomorrow.’
She leaves my room, closing and locking the door.
A pixie cut?
There’s no fucking way that is happening.
I get into bed and close my eyes, but after a few minutes, sleep doesn’t come, so I turn on the bedside lamp and take my mom’s diary out, flipping to the next entry.
June 1st
I couldn’t pay the electricity bill. Tonight, the whole apartment went dark.
Daisy freaked out because she couldn’t watch her show.
She didn’t understand that the electricity is off until I can get some money together.
I don’t know what to do. We barely have money for food after rent. Not that Daisy is even eating much.
June 17th
I saw John Novelle today in the street. We passed each other.
I think I hoped he wouldn’t recognize me, but of course he did.
He asked me how I was, said he was sorry to hear about Mark.
All it took were those words and it was like I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
I literally started sobbing in front of him on the sidewalk.
He was nice about it, but I could tell he wanted to get away from the crazy crying lady.
Got home and Daisy had a meltdown about the wrong cheese.
I caught myself thinking … What if things had been different? What if I’d done what Mom and Dad wanted and married John—
Istop reading and then go back, my eyes wide.
My mom was with John before my dad?
What if I’d done what Mom and Dad wanted and married John?
I felt like a bitch as soon as I thought it.
I love Daisy. I do. It’s just that, lately, the toll of her dad passing away so suddenly…
Every day is a bad day for all of us. She’s not adapting to the changes very well.
She’s acting out in school. Her report card was all Ds. I don’t know what to do.
I’m struggling to remember why I even called it off with John, but it was so long ago. Could it actually be because it was what Mom and Dad wanted me to do? Was that really the only reason? Was I really that much of a cliched teen?
June 18th
I dreamed of Mark last night. God, I miss him. I feel like I’ve betrayed him even thinking about John.
When I woke up, it was the middle of the night and there was a rat on the bed.
Jesus, Mark, I have our daughter living in a rat-infested apartment. She doesn’t talk anymore. She has bruises when she comes home from school and none of the teachers know how they get there. She barely eats.
We can’t live like this. How can we live like this? There’s nowhere to go, nowhere to turn.
June 30th
John sent me flowers! Twelve red roses along with his number.
How did he even know where we live? Maybe he and Fin have reconnected and buried the hatchet, and Fin told him?
I mean, I’m not gonna call. That would be weird.
I mean I did look him up. He married Yvonne Becket! OMG! And he has two boys around Daisy’s age. Looks like Yvonne passed away about a decade ago. Wonder why John never got remarried.
I keep wondering if maybe this was fate. Maybe I should call him…
July 5th
I called him! EEK! God, it was nice to talk about old times. We even talked about Mark. They may not have been the best of friends by the time Mark and I got married, but they were close for years with Fin. There were so many things I hadn’t remembered, so many stories I’d forgotten!
For the first time in months, I felt NORMAL. I’m glad I bumped into John. It almost seems like more than coincidence.
Would it be wrong to entertain something this soon? It’s only been a few months…
July 10th
I think Fin is sick. Something bad. He hasn’t said anything, but he hasn’t come to visit. He only calls once in a while. He sounded so faint on the phone. Like he had no energy. I hope he’ll be okay.
Daisy hasn’t said a word in three weeks. I’ve been counting the days. The school called and said she was suspended because she threw a chair at another kid. I asked them if it was the same one who has been giving her bruises. They didn’t know.
I hate this place. I hate that we had to come here.
I think it’s going to kill us.
September 15th
John asked me to marry him! He said it should always have been me. I told him I’d think about it. But it’s been weeks since we reconnected and he’s there.