Chapter 14
TATE
I could already feel Hawke’s devastating kiss fading to the back of my mind as I moved around the dilapidated trailer.
I would have liked to have kept the taste and feel of him with me as the memories started to come back to me one by one, but the past was just too strong.
Because everywhere I looked, I saw and heard everything that had had me dreaming of the day I could escape the endless nightmare.
“You okay?” I heard Hawke ask from behind me where I stood at the entrance to Buck’s bedroom.
“He never closed his door when he was with his women,” I murmured. “I made the mistake of watching him and Denny with one of them once when I was younger. Buck ordered me to join them.”
“What did you do?”
I could feel the bile rising in my throat. “I said no and tried to leave, but Buck came after me. He kept asking me if I wouldn’t fuck her because I was a faggot. I knew what he’d do to me if I admitted I was gay so I told him I was scared.”
“How old were you?”
“Thirteen. ”
I closed my eyes when Hawke’s big hand settled on the back of my neck.
“What happened?”
“By the time Buck dragged me back in here, Denny had the woman on her knees on the floor. She looked high, but when Buck told her to suck me, she reached for my pants. I started crying when she put her mouth on me. Buck started fucking her from behind and Denny was giving her instructions on how to suck me. When I couldn’t get it up, he shoved me aside and asked the woman if she wouldn’t rather suck a real man. ”
I turned away from Buck’s room and faced Hawke. “Buck started calling me Cryin Chris after that. Denny’s favorite was Sissy Chrissy. Chris…that’s my real name…Christopher.”
Humiliation was coursing through me as I tried to move past Hawke, but he used his body to crowd me back against the door frame. “Tate,” he whispered and then he kissed me softly.
“Tate,” he repeated along with another kiss.
Every time he said my name, he deepened the kiss that followed.
I’d thought the kiss in my room was just another chance occurrence because Hawke had been in a vulnerable state, but as his tongue met mine, I couldn’t help but hope it meant he was feeling even a little bit of what I was feeling.
When he finally released me, my knees felt like jelly.
“We should look around to see if we can find some evidence of where they went,” Hawke said, his voice husky with desire.
I nodded and locked my knees. I followed him to the kitchen and began looking through the drawers while Hawke searched through the debris on the floor. Unfortunately, the work didn’t help me tune out the memories of all the times I’d been tormented and tortured by both Buck and Denny.
I had no memory of a time when Buck had been kind to me, but that wasn’t the case with Denny. I’d often wondered if the few times I remembered Denny protecting me when we were kids were really memories or just fanciful dreams like the one I’d had about the red-haired woman who’d called me Tate.
Denny had been older than me by eight years, so by the time I was Matty’s age, Denny had been a teenager and we’d had little in common.
But I had distinct images of him sitting on the floor with me playing with my little green army men or reading to me from one of his many comic books.
And there was even one recurring image where Denny had shoved Buck away from me after Buck had grabbed me by the arm and twisted it until the bone had snapped.
I’d collapsed on the floor, screaming in agony as my big brother had taken the rest of the beating that had been meant for me.
I couldn’t pinpoint a specific event that had led to the change between me and Denny.
At some point, he’d just grown more and more distant and one day when Buck went after me for accidentally spilling some of his beer as I’d been bringing it to him, Denny had stood off to the side and watched for a minute or two before disappearing into his room.
I’d spent the next several days making excuses in my head for Denny’s defection, but I hadn’t been able to deny the truth any longer when everything had changed less than a week later.
I’d been exploring the woods behind our trailer when I’d come across two stray puppies and I’d carried them back to the house where Denny had helped me get them cleaned up and fed.
We’d spent hours playing with the puppies and he’d named his Comet while I’d named mine Ranger after one of my favorite cartoons.
But when Buck had come home, I’d seen something in his eyes as we’d shown him the puppies and asked if we could keep them. He’d looked almost…giddy.
I hadn’t understood what he’d meant at first when he’d started talking about only being able to afford one of the puppies and that we’d have to choose which one to keep.
But Denny had gotten it because his face had fallen and he’d looked back and forth between his puppy and mine.
I’d still been confused when Buck had grabbed both puppies and taken them outside.
We’d followed him and I’d asked Denny what was going on as I’d watched Buck put the puppies down on the driveway and then grab a shovel from the back of his truck.
Buck had looked at Denny before holding out the shovel.
By the time I’d finally figured out what was happening, Denny had straightened next to me, strode over to Buck and grabbed the shovel.
My scream of denial had come too late and wouldn’t have mattered.
Ranger had yelped once and after that, all I’d heard was the sickening sound of the shovel striking flesh over and over again.
I’d fallen to my knees and thrown up and when I’d finally had nothing left to expel, Buck had walked past me, a triumphant smirk on his face.
Denny had followed, his puppy in his arms. He hadn’t even spared me a glance as he’d left me there on the ground.
Everything had changed after that. Buck had still been my judge and jury, but Denny had become the executioner. And he’d been every bit as ruthless as Buck. I’d stood no chance and I’d spent the next fifteen years of my life in hell on earth.
“There’s nothing here,” I heard Hawke mutter in frustration as he tossed a stack of papers he’d been holding in his hand to the ground.
“I know of a couple more places we can look,” I said.
Hawke cast me a glance and nodded, but he didn’t look reassured. And in truth, I suspected our luck wouldn’t improve. And while I’d dreaded the prospect of having to confront Buck and Denny, the idea of Hawke not being able to find the closure he so desperately needed actually bothered me more.
I ended up being right.
After we left the trailer, I directed Hawke to several different locations including the two places Buck had used as meth labs.
The first had clearly been abandoned some time ago and the second had been obliterated by what I suspected had been an explosion.
We’d checked out a couple of bars Buck had often frequented and while one had gone out of business, the other had been open.
But instead of going inside, Hawke and I had sat in his truck across the street and watched people come and go for nearly two hours before he’d started the car up.
And not once had he spoken even a single word to me.
As Hawke drove us to a motel on the outskirts of town, I tried one last time to draw him out by saying, “There are a few places we can ask around tomorrow.”
Hawke didn’t respond in any way and I could see his anger simmering just under the surface.
Once we reached the motel, I followed him inside to check in because it was the same motel where Reggie and I had hooked up at on a couple of occasions and I was hopeful the owner would know something about Buck and Denny’s whereabouts.
But I didn’t recognize the woman behind the check in desk and when I asked if she was new, she said she and her husband had just bought the place a couple months earlier.
When I asked about the Buckleys, she had no idea who I was talking about.
Once we were in the room, Hawke began getting a few things out of his bag. I was unpacking my own things when he handed me his credit card.
“Order something for dinner if you’re hungry. I’m going to take a shower. Don’t answer the door. I’ll be out before the food gets here.”
I flinched at his cool, dismissive tone, but I took the credit card and set it down on the nightstand.
I listened as the shower came on and I couldn’t help but think of how eerily reminiscent it was of the night before just before Hawke had fucked me.
I used the time to call Matty, but as happy as I was to hear his excited rundown of the costume parade, I couldn’t escape the dread I felt that Hawke was pulling away from me again.
I’d been so sure after he’d kissed me for the second time in the trailer that maybe something had changed for him, but now I wasn’t so sure.
After hanging up with Matty, I called the front desk and asked for the number of a restaurant that would deliver.
I ordered a pizza along with a couple of sodas and then searched out the remote control for the television.
When Hawke came out, I turned the TV down and said, “I ordered a pizza. It should be here in about twenty minutes.”
“Fine,” was all Hawke said, not even sparing me a glance.
I grabbed my bag and went to the bathroom where I took my time showering and by the time I returned to the main room, the pizza was sitting untouched on the table by the door and Hawke was slouched on the far side of his bed, his back to me.
I could tell he was holding something in his hand and I had my suspicions as to what it was.
They were confirmed a second later when he cast a glance over his shoulder at me and I saw the picture frame.
He leaned down, presumably to put the picture in his bag, and I turned away and busied myself with putting my own bag away.
“You should eat something.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the order.
“What?” Hawke asked testily.
“Nothing,” I murmured.
“You’ve got something to say, just say it.”
My own anger was growing but I forced it back and said as evenly as I could, “It doesn’t matter.”
“Fucking Christ,” Hawke snapped, but he didn’t say anything else and that in itself sent me over the edge. I spun around to find that Hawke was in the same exact position and the fact that he wasn’t even looking at me pissed me off even further.
“You know what Hawke, fuck you!”
That got his attention and he looked over his shoulder at me, but I found that I didn’t give a shit at the cold look in his eyes.
“Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to come here?” I ground out.
“I left behind my son! I came back to a place that has a starring role in my worst nightmares! I’m risking coming face to face with the two men who took nothing but pleasure in tormenting me for nearly my entire life! And I did it all for you!”
Hawke stood up and came around the bed, his big frame stiff with unspent anger. “You did it because you felt indebted-”
“I did it for you!” I yelled. “You want to treat me like some cheap fuck, fine! You want to take your frustration out on me, then fucking do it! But don’t do what you did to me in that trailer.
” I hated that my voice broke at the last part, but I held my ground as Hawke closed the distance between us.
I felt raw and exposed and I suddenly wished I’d just kept my mouth shut.
“What did I do in the trailer?” Hawke asked, his voice softer now. But when he reached for me, I yanked my arm out of his reach and stepped back. He just kept coming at me though, and I had nowhere to go once the backs of my legs hit the bed.
“Don’t,” I managed to get out as Hawke’s body crowded mine.
“Don’t what?” Hawke whispered, his voice strained .
“Don’t pretend like you care,” I finally said and I was helpless to prevent the pleading that crept into my voice.
Hawke studied me for a long time before he leaned down and put his mouth next to my ear. I was trembling with need long before he even spoke.
“One thing you should know about me…I don’t pretend,” Hawke said, his lips skimming the sensitive skin just behind my ear. He wasn’t touching me anywhere else, but he may as well have been because my whole body was drawn up tight with excitement. “And Tate?”
When he didn’t continue, I drew back enough so I could look him in the eye.
“I care,” he said softly, his blue eyes piercing straight through me. “I fucking care.”
His mouth was on mine an instant after the last word left his lips and I couldn’t stifle my cry of pleasure as our tongues met.
Fingers threaded through my hair to hold me still and then my head was tilted back, exposing my neck.
I used my hands to find purchase on Hawke’s waist as his lips teased my skin.
But he stopped kissing me a moment later and instead drew me against his chest.
“Sorry for today,” he murmured. “I really thought we were going to find something. I just need this to be over.”
I should have kept my mouth shut, but my need for answers was too great.
“And when it is over? What happens then?”