Chapter 20
TATE
“Will you tell me about her?”
Hawke stiffened beneath me and his fingers stopped playing with mine.
After our encounter on the floor, we’d showered together, gently washing each other’s exhausted bodies.
There’d been no more sexual activity, but that hadn’t meant there’d been any less emotion.
Afterwards, we’d dried each other off and crawled into bed.
I’d automatically scooted over to the far side of the bed, closer to the wall, but within seconds of Hawke settling under the covers, he’d wrapped his arm around my waist and dragged me against him.
I’d ended up resting my head on his chest and had started rubbing my fingers over his where they were pressed against his chest. He’d lifted our joined hands so we could watch our fingers play with each other, and that was when I’d focused on his wedding band.
I expected Hawke to say no and drop his hand, but instead, he began linking and unlinking our fingers. “What do you want to know?”
“What was she like?”
“Stubborn,” Hawke finally said. “She never gave up on anything. But she was also really soft-hearted. That made it hard for her sometimes.”
“How so?”
“It was like she took other people’s pain into herself.
She suffered along with them. She was also really outgoing and funny and she always latched on to people who she sensed needed just a little bit of extra attention.
And she never stopped giving to other people…
time, money, whatever it was they needed.
But boy did she have a temper on her and if you threatened to hurt someone she loved… ” Hawke said with a light chuckle.
I released Hawke’s hand and turned over so I could face him. The hand that had been playing with mine immediately settled in my hair. I let my own fingers roam over his tattoo. “How did you know she was the one?”
Hawke shook his head slightly. “I’m not sure…it was just always there. I mean, when we were kids, we were best friends, but as we got older, I never had any interest in anyone else and neither did she.”
“So you were never attracted to another woman?”
“I noticed them, but that was as far as it went. No one even came close to making me feel the way she did.”
“What about men?” I asked cautiously.
“Do you mean was I attracted to them?”
I nodded.
Hawke was thoughtful for a moment. “I suppose I noticed if a guy was good looking or not, but no, I wasn’t attracted to them.”
“Does it bother you?”
“What?”
“Being with me?” I asked quietly, dropping my eyes. “I mean, you’re not gay and it sounds like you aren’t even bi.”
I felt Hawke’s fingers leave my head and lift my chin so that I was once again looking at him.
“I’m not big on labels,” he said. “People have been labeling me my whole life and it didn’t mean shit.
” Hawke’s finger traced over my lower lip.
“You’re beautiful, Tate…but that isn’t what has me wanting more of you. ”
I felt my stomach drop out at Hawke’s words .
“You’re kind, even though all you’ve known is cruelty.
You’re strong despite all the times people have tried to break you.
You gave up everything for that little boy from the second you saved him and you’ve been the father he needs and deserves despite not having had that yourself. I’m in awe of you, Tate Travers.”
I swallowed hard around the knot of emotion in my throat and shook my head because I couldn’t come up with even one single thing to say to that. I’d thought it had only been about physical attraction for Hawke, but to know he saw more than that…
Hawke’s hand returned to my hair and we both fell silent for a while. But I couldn’t miss out on the opportunity to know more about him so I said, “You said the house behind yours was your uncle’s.”
Hawke nodded. “It was mine too growing up.”
“You lived with him?”
“Yeah, my mom and I moved in with him when I was eight. She died a few months later.”
“What happened to her?”
“She had a brain tumor…inoperable.”
I shook my head. “Hawke…”
“It’s okay,” Hawke murmured. “It was a long time ago.”
“What about your father?”
“Never knew him. He worked on oil rigs and was killed in an explosion shortly after I was born. My mom and I moved from Louisiana to Wyoming when she found out she was sick.”
I remembered Hawke’s story about his first day of school. “It was bad, wasn’t it?” I whispered. “Living with your uncle.”
Hawke’s fingers stilled in my hair. He finally nodded.
“Will you tell me?” I asked.
His eyes held mine for a moment and then shifted away. I could see the pain in them so I quickly said, “You don’t-” but Hawke cut me off by placing a finger over my lips.
“After my mom died, he made sure to remind me on a daily basis that he didn’t want me.”
“He hurt you,” I whispered.
Hawke nodded. “He drank a lot so after he smacked me around, I’d wait till he passed out and then I would crawl out of my window and walk through the woods to Revay’s house.
She always left her window unlocked and I’d get into bed with her…
we were still kids back then so it wasn’t more than her comforting me while I cried.
After a while, I started going to her house every night.
On the days where my uncle beat me so bad I could barely walk, she’d come to me.
” Hawke let out a pain filled laugh. “It was years before her parents found out. They were pissed and tried all sorts of things to stop her from sneaking out. But like I said, she was stubborn.”
Hawke’s next laugh was lighter and a small smile drifted across his mouth.
“They finally gave up and set up a room for me and stuck a ladder outside the window so I wouldn’t have to climb the big oak tree outside Revay’s window.
By the time I was fourteen, I was practically living with them full time. ”
“What happened to your uncle?”
“He got drunk one night and wrapped his car around a tree. I’d just turned eighteen so I didn’t have to go into foster care or anything.
Revay and I graduated a few weeks later and got married.
We moved to Fort Benning in Georgia and she went to college to get a degree in music while I was going through basic training. ”
“What happened after you lost her?” I asked. “You’d left the army, right?”
“I re-enlisted about a year later. I…I couldn’t sit around knowing the men who’d done that to her were walking around free. I left the army again about six years ago.”
I nodded in understanding. I was about to ask another question when my phone rang.
I sat up, but Hawke beat me to it and climbed out of bed.
“I got it,” he said and he grabbed my phone from my pants which were still laying in a discarded heap on the floor next to my torn shirt.
I smiled at the memory and when Hawke came over to the bed to hand me the phone, there was a little smirk on his face that told me he was remembering the exact same thing as me.
He leaned down to kiss me before handing me the phone.
I saw that the caller was Ronan and felt the automatic pang of fear go through me that I always did when he called. I’d talked to Matty earlier in the day and he’d been fine, but I couldn’t get past my fear that one day I was going to get the call that things were no longer fine.
“Hi,” I said after hitting the answer button. “Is Matty okay?”
“Hey. He’s doing good, Tate.”
Relief went through me and I glanced at Hawke who was in the process of moving his bag to the bed, probably so he could get his tablet out so I could video chat with Matty.
“Tate, I just wanted to give you a heads up about something before you talk to Matty.”
The relief I’d felt a moment ago disappeared instantly. “You said he was okay,” I whispered. Hawke appeared at my side with his tablet.
“Put it on speaker,” he said quietly.
My hand was shaking so Hawke took the phone from me and did it himself. “Hey Ronan, you’re on speaker, okay?”
“Hey,” Ronan responded. “Tate, honestly, Matty’s okay. It’s just that his hair started falling out over the past couple of days and we talked him into shaving it off this morning. I wanted you to know before you saw him so it wouldn’t be so much of a surprise.”
I felt tears sting the backs of my eyes at the brutal reminder of what my little boy was going through. “Okay,” I managed to say.
“Give me a minute and I’ll start the video chat.”
“Ronan, call my tablet, okay?” Hawke said.
“Yeah.”
Ronan disconnected and Hawke put my phone away. “Hey,” he said as he settled his hand on my back and put his head against mine. “He’s okay. He’s strong, Tate. Just like his dad.”
I sucked in some air and nodded shakily. I blinked rapidly in an effort to clear the tears from my eyes. Hawke’s tablet began ringing a minute later and he held it in front of me and hit the answer button.
Matty was sitting cross legged on his hospital bed. I managed to keep my composure at the sight of his bald head, but inside I felt like I was dying. “Hey, buddy,” I said, my voice cracking. Hawke’s hand at my back had a soothing effect.
“Daddy, look,” Matty said as he pointed to his head .
“Wow, you look great,” I said with a big smile. “How are you doing?”
“Good,” Matty responded. “Guess what? Ronan says I look like Professor…” – Matty looked off-screen and whispered something, then nodded – “Xavier,” he said proudly, struggling with pronouncing the name. “He’s an X-Man, Daddy! He can read minds. Want me to read yours?”
I managed a nod. “Yeah, sure.”
Matty closed his eyes for several seconds and scrunched his face up. Then his eyes popped open and he said, “You miss me lots!”
I managed to stifle my laugh and opened my mouth wide as if in shock. “That is exactly right! How did you do that?”
“Magic powers, Daddy. Is Hawke there? I want to read his mind too.”
Hawke moved the tablet so Matty could see him. “I’m here, Matty.”
Matty gave him a small wave. “Look!” he said as he pointed to his head again.
“You look just like the Professor,” Hawke said. “But no way will you be able to read my mind.”
“I bet I can,” Matty insisted.
“Okay, you can try,” Hawke said with a shake of his head, his doubt clear.
Matty once again got lost in thought, then opened his eyes and announced, “You miss me, too and you and Daddy are going to come see me soon.”
My heart hurt as I watched the fleeting pain in Hawke’s gaze as he looked at Matty. And I knew in that moment he was thinking about his own son. But he managed a smile and said, “Wow, you got it exactly right.”
Matty nodded knowingly and Hawke shifted the tablet so Matty could see us both. “Daddy, guess what?”
“What?”
“Ronan and Seth knew how sad I was when they said I wasn’t gonna have any hair for a while, so look.”
The image teetered for a moment and when it came back into focus, I slapped my hand over my mouth in disbelief. Because there on the bed next to my son sat Ronan and Seth, their heads completely bald.
“Hi!” Seth said with a wave.
“Isn’t it cool, Daddy?” Matty said as he put one hand on Ronan’s shaved head and the other on Seth’s. The men looked so different, but I barely noticed that. All I noticed were their big smiles as they proudly showed off their new look.
“It’s really cool,” I managed to get out. Tears were flooding my eyes and I was helpless to hold them back. When Hawke used his arm to pull me against his chest, I gladly went. I knew my son and Ronan and Seth could see me, but I was too busy trying to hold it together.
“Daddy?”
“He’s okay, Matty. He’s just missing you,” Hawke said quietly.
“Daddy,” Matty called to me, his voice low and sweet.
“Yeah, buddy,” I said as I pulled back from Hawke’s chest and wiped at my eyes.
“Love you lots.”
I let out a watery laugh. “Forever and ever,” I finished.
“Hey, Matty’s nurse is here to check his central line. We’ll talk to you guys later, okay?” Ronan said.
I nodded. “Thanks, Ronan,” I whispered as my eyes connected with the other man’s. I hoped he heard what I couldn’t put into words and when he nodded a moment later, I knew he had.
“Bye, Daddy!”
“Bye, Matty. I’ll be home soon, okay. Love you.”
“I love you too. Bye, Hawke.”
“Bye, Matty,” Hawke said quietly.
The screen went dark a second later and I instantly lost it and began crying. Hawke gathered me in his arms and lay down on the bed, taking me with him. I curled against his side and sobbed as he held me tight. It was several minutes before I quieted enough to say, “Thank you, Michael.”
Hawke’s arms tightened around me even more when I said his name .
“For what?” he asked.
“For everything,” I said simply.
Hawke was silent for a moment and then he was rolling me onto my back as he hovered above me. His hand came up to cup my face. “I wish I could give you more, Tate. I wish I could be everything you needed.”
And then he sealed his mouth over mine.