Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
THE HEATHEN
I’m not sure how to act or what to do. They saw him inside me. How can they ever unsee such a thing?
“What is it, baby?”
I shake my head at Kill because I don’t want to talk about it, and I’m not sure I ever will.
Nobody has said a word about the brandings, but surely they noticed?
I have a cross on my body, burned into my flesh and Grave’s name on my ass since I was promised to him.
How will they ever look past that? A tear rolls down my cheek, and Carter kisses me on the temple.
“Right now, everything feels impossible. It’s just too much, Little Heathen.
You’re wondering how you’ll get through this, and that’s normal after what you’ve been through, but the answer is simple.
With us. We are a family and we get through the heavy shit together.
One day at a time. One struggle at a time. ”
He makes it sound so easy.
“We will talk when you’re ready. First the doctor needs to make sure you’re okay.”
I glance at Killian and my mind flashes back to seeing him lying on the floor after being stabbed.
“Speaking of doctors, why aren’t you in a hospital? You were stabbed and unconscious the last time I saw you.”
He glances at Carter before returning his guilty eyes to mine.
“I’m fine, baby. They had to remove my spleen, but I’m good. “When Carter and Knox came to the hospital-“
He takes ?a sharp breath before continuing.
“I couldn’t stay in the hospital when you needed me. And I knew they were going to kill everybody they could to get to you and I guess I had a little FOMO.”
“FOMO,” I ask as Carter laughs so hard I think he’s going to pass out.
Kill stares at me, his expression serious.
“Fear of missing out.”
“No. I know what it is, I just never expected you to say it.”
Only Killian could make me laugh after everything I just went through.
“Anything else I missed out on?”
He strokes my hair gently, staring at me, his gaze is filled with emotion.
“Yes, I realized I can’t live without you. So I hope you understand when I never let you out of my sight again.”
“If you can ever look at me again.” I say under my breath.
He places his fingers under my chin and tilts my head back gently.
“I’m looking at you right now, baby. Nothing has changed. I know you’re feeling a lot of things, and that’s your right. Feel everything you need to, Killer. As long as you know nothing has changed. Not for us.”
I have cried so much my tear ducts should be dry but more wetness coats my cheeks.
“Everything has changed for me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m not the same woman you knew before. I’m not strong and I don’t want to kill Jedediah. Not anymore.”
Killian stares at me, his eyes brimming with emotion. He’s breaking with me, and I don’t want that for him or any of them.
“Okay, baby. What do you want then?”
I shut my eyes tight, unable to look at him as I confess the darkest truth I have ever known.
“I want to crawl into a hole and die.”
After hearing three sharp intakes of breath, I open my eyes and spot a solitary tear traveling down his cheek.
He’s quiet, trying to avoid saying the wrong thing when Knox asks, “Tesoro, you're safe now. Why do you want to die?”
Killian holds my hand, and they all wait patiently for me to answer. My perfect men, that I no longer deserve.
“As you’re holding my hand, I feel him. I’m afraid I’ll never only feel your touches again.
He will always be there. His disgusting breath fanning over my skin, the grunts of pleasure from using my body, the painful thrusting of his dick.
And if by some miracle I did forget all those things, I’m—branded for life.
You will never look at me and not see me having sex with him. ”
“Eyes on me,” Carter says, and when I turn to him, I’m surprised to find his gaze furious as he stares back at me.
“We did not see you having sex with him. You can feel whatever the fuck you feel, but I won’t let you blame yourself and make it sound consensual.
That was fucking rape. A violent, aggravated rape.
We will call it what it was. Stop blaming yourself.
I don’t fucking care how normal it is. I will not tolerate it. ”
“Carter,” Knox warns.
I watch him as he takes a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Little Heathen. I don’t want you to torture yourself or take things on that aren’t your fault, but I’m probably going the wrong way about expressing it. Knox is better at this shit.”
I lean my head against his shoulder and allow myself to get lost in his scent. It’s calming, and takes me away to better times.
“You’re better at it than you think, Carter.”
“Can I touch you?” He asks, and the sobs are instant. Simply being asked for consent means more to me right now than it ever has.
“I want to say yes, but right now I have to say no.”
I love all of them, and I don’t want to hurt them, but for right now I need to be in control. I need to say no if for no other reason than I can.
He tucks his hands under his legs.
“You’ll tell me when you’re ready. Until then, I’ll respect your boundaries the way you always respected mine.”
His words hit me square in the chest and are exactly what I need. My men. My safe place. For now. I’m not delusional enough to believe I’ll never be violated again. This is my life.
“You were created for our pleasure. God sent you as a gift, a reward for our godly behavior. Spread your legs and give your Prophet what the Lord demands.The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.”
I cover my face with my hands and sob as my men look on helplessly. They can’t help me. No one can.