Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
THE HEATHEN
Bella squeals excitedly as she pulls me into a room where Athena sits, waiting for us. “Okay, so I hope I didn’t overstep. I bought this foundation and concealer meant for covering tattoos. And I thought we could try covering up the marks. I mean, if you want to.”
She stares at me, her blue eyes watching me, waiting for my approval. I’m not sure it’ll work, but I don’t want to disappoint her. I nod and whisper, “Okay.”
I pull my shirt up and my shorts down a little. Athena averts her gaze and speaks. The emotion in her voice is thick as if she knows this pain.
“My father was a terrible man. My life was terrifying until my husband saved me. I wasn’t branded, but had he thought of it, he would’ve done it. I’m sorry this happened to you.”
Bella applies the make-up to my skin. Her eyes narrow as she concentrates on the task she assigned herself.
“If this works, it’s waterproof.”
I’m not excited about it yet, but if it actually covers this hideous cross, I will be.
“There’s a mirror in the bathroom, see what you think.”
I walk into the en-suite bath and hold my shirt up, as I stare at myself in the mirror.
“I can’t see it.”
Continuing to stare at my abdomen in disbelief, I whisper, “I can’t fucking see it.”
Bella comes up beside me and puts her arm around me.
“It’s not a permanent fix. Maybe on hard days you can cover it up. He had no right to do this to you, and you shouldn’t have to stare at this every day. You don’t need a physical reminder for something you’ll never forget. The control is yours in this little bottle.”
Tears fall from my eyes as I look at her reflection in the mirror.
“Thank you. This is a gift.”
‘The control is yours.’
Words my men have said to me so many times. Some words have an impact that never decreases. These are those words for me.
All three of our heads lift with the faint sound of a baby crying nearby.
“Are you ready to see your niece?”
I nod in response, and Athena goes to get her.
“Do I look okay?”
Bella giggles loudly.
“She’s a baby. The girl has no fashion sense yet.”
Pointing to the rocking chair, she says, “Sit there. She loves to rock.”
I take a seat and tap my foot anxiously while I wait.
Athena finally comes in and I stare at the little life my sister created, unsure who fathered her. She puts her in my arms and hands me a bottle of formula.
“We will give you a few minutes alone. If you need anything, just yell.”
After I say thank you, they leave us alone, closing the door behind them. I stare at her tiny face and sparkling blue eyes as I gently rub her head. Her hair is several shades darker than mine, but she looks like Abigail's baby pictures.
Her eyes stay on mine as she drinks her bottle like she’s starving, and it causes a pain in my chest.
“I’m sorry your life started out this way. I promise I’ll find a family that will love you the way you deserve. What things should we look for? A big backyard? I want you to have love and space to grow. Number one on the list will be two wonderful people.”
I sigh audibly as the tears fall heavy as rain.
“I can’t keep you. I wish I could, but you deserve better than me. I’m not a good person. I’d probably ruin your life, and since it’s my job to protect you, I can’t choose myself.”
She finishes her bottle, and I set it on the small table beside me before lifting her over my shoulder and patting her back.
“It’s a shame because I know how to care for a baby.
I’ve done it with my younger siblings all my life, but this would be different.
When you get older and start asking questions, what would I say?
I took your mom from you. Your entire family is dead because of me.
I think I prefer the way you look at me now.
I’ll find you a family and disappear from your life.
You won’t remember me, but I’ll remember you.
It was you all along. I wanted to protect you before you were born.
I swore to your mom I would. I just didn’t know you’d need protection from her. I’m sorry.”
Killian walks in and immediately turns the monitor off. It’s at that exact moment that I realize everyone may have heard my private conversation with my niece. He kneels beside me and confirms my worst fear.
“It’s okay, baby. We are all family.”
I know he’s right but the majority of the people here have been known to me for about five minutes. I feel bare and exposed.
A few moments later Carter and Knox enter the room, closing the door behind them.
“You all heard.”
The three of them take a seat at the foot of the bed.
“If you want to keep her, we will support you. This decision is yours and yours alone. Tell us what you need and it’s yours.” Knox says, sitting between his brothers.
“I can’t. My only role is finding her a home.”
Carter stares at me, his eyes filled with profound sadness.
“You would be a wonderful parent. We will support whatever you choose, but are you sure this is what you want?”
Knox, always the voice of reason, gets up and kneels in front of me.
“Maybe we can give it a little time. I would hate for you to rush into a decision and regret it. Bones and Reaper have said their wives will keep her as long as we need. This is not something you have to decide today.”
Killian has been quiet, and I can tell he’s feeling something about this, even though he hasn’t said a word. I shift the baby in my arms as she falls asleep.
“What are your thoughts about this?”
Killian stays silent for several minutes before he speaks.
“I think your family has convinced you that you’re a terrible person without value.
It’s Jedediah’s voice in your head telling you you aren’t good enough.
I’m not saying you should keep her, that’s up to you.
But the reason shouldn’t be that you wouldn’t be a good mom because that’s a fucking lie.
I agree with Knox. Think about it so you don’t have regrets. ”
I sigh softly as I hold my niece to my chest.
“I will. I promise. But I don’t think I’m ready.”
I didn’t grow up normally. It’s probably going to take years for me to be okay.
I’ve got a lot of healing to do and it feels unfair to drag a child through that.
Especially her. She’s the first girl in our family that won’t be abused.
I want amazing things for her. She deserves someone that can give all of themselves to her and I’m not sure I can be that person.
Wanting to be what somebody needs and being what somebody needs are two very different things.