Chapter 33
Chapter
Thirty-Three
R am left Kade sleeping in the bed as he moved. His thigh and leg muscles were sore as fuck from last night and he went to the kitchen to get himself a drink and some Acetaminophen. He grabbed Kade some as well and placed them on the bedside table for when Kade woke up. He would have to call Justice and Doc today to get them to come and check on Kade. He’d never seen his boy so lost as he was last night, and he never wanted to see it again. His boy was a good man and deserved to have someone that would keep their word to him whether it was said in jest or not. He went through his morning routine and was making breakfast when Kade finally joined him. His boy’s eyes were red and puffy. Bloodshot and vacant and he hated that. His eyes were still that milky white, but now they didn’t seem like they were always unfocused. “Good morning.”
Kade grunted his response as he gingerly sat in one of the chairs. His ass was sore and he was glad to have a reminder of where his Daddy had been. He looked out the window and his heart dropped, he could no longer see out to the tree that had made him so happy the first time he saw it. His vision had been getting worse by the day but to see how bad made his chest cave in on itself.
Ram could see the pain on Kade’s face and he moved closer, leaning down to speak into his ear. “What’s the matter, baby?”
Kade sucked in a deep breath to control his emotions as his eyes filled with more tears. He was really getting tired of crying all the time. “I can’t see the tree anymore.”
Ram looked up to see the tree Kade was talking about. He knew his boy had looked to that tree every morning since his vision had come back. “I’ll take you to see the tree.”
Kade shook his head. “It’s not the same.”
Ram caressed the back of Kade’s head. “I know it’s not, baby.” He assured Kade as he pulled out his phone and sent both Doc and Justice a text. He got a reply saying they were both on their way and he moved back to the stove. “Are waffles okay for breakfast?” Ram asked, hoping to get Kade’s attention away from the window. He didn’t want him to torture himself with things that he could no longer see.
Kade didn’t answer.
Ram gave it a few minutes before he asked again. The look Kade gave him made him pause.
“I don’t want any fucking breakfast,” Kade barked, turning back towards the window.
Ram pursed his lips and turned back to the stove to keep control over his anger. He wasn’t angry at Kade, he was disappointed. He’d never thought his sweet boy would ever talk to him like that. He was angry with everything Kade was going through, he wanted to give Kade time to process everything and he knew it could be overwhelming.
“Come in,” he said in a raised voice and nodded to Doc and Justice when they walked in.
“Kade, how’s it going?” Doc asked, as him and Justice sat across from Kade at the table.
Kade just stared at them confused and then looked towards Ram who was refusing to make eye contact.
Ram set the towering plate of waffles on the table. “Enjoy,” he said and walked to the bedroom to get his keys and put his shoes on. “I’ll be back later,” he stated and let Valk out before he headed to his brother’s, not giving Kade a chance to say anything before he shut the door.
Doc reached out and touched Kade’s arm as a panicked look overtook his friend’s face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Kade swallowed hard. “I think I fucked up,” he said, softly.
Justice cocked his head. “What did you do?” He wanted Kade to explain himself. Just because he was struggling, didn’t mean he wouldn’t be held accountable for his actions.
Kade raked a hand through his hair and tugged harshly on the ends to try and make himself focus. “I just yelled at him.”
Justice watched his friend hunch in on himself and patted his hand. “It happens, Kade. He’s probably just trying to give you time to deal with things.”
“But…”
Doc cut him off. “It’s Ram, Kade. He’s obsessed with you, he’s not going anywhere. Besides I saw him go to the main house so he’s probably just hanging out with them while we talk to you. So what’s really bothering you?” Doc asked, as he dug into the waffles.
“I’m losing my vision again.”
Doc paused, his fork halfway to his mouth. “We knew this would happen, Kade.”
Kade nodded. “I know that, Doc, but it doesn’t make it any easier to experience.” He tried not to snap at his friends but they didn’t understand the panic and fear that took over when one day you could no longer navigate your own world without help. It got better over time, but the initial few days were always the scariest for him.
Justice nodded. “I can see how that would affect you mentally, and that’s what I’m here to help you with. Do you honestly think Ram will leave you? I know you were worried about that when your eyesight first came back.”
Kade shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. I want to follow my gut and say no, but it’s not been very reliable the past several years.”
Justice nodded. “I can understand that. Can I tell you what I think?”
Kade nodded.
“I think that man feels everything you do. He hurts when you’re hurt. He’s happy when you’re happy. That man loves you more than he loves himself, Kade. There’s no way in hell that man would voluntarily leave you,” Justice told him softly. “I know your past makes it hard for you to see that when you’re too deep in your head.”
A tear slid down Kade’s cheek. “He’s gonna be mad at me.”
Doc moved closer to Kade and threw his arm over his shoulders. “No, I don’t think he is. I think he’s coming up with a way to punish you but he also wants to give you time to consider your actions.”
Justice’s brows furrowed for a moment as he looked back and forth between the other two men, then it hit him. Kade had told him about the relationship they had and he’d seen the way Ram and Kade had interacted with each other. He'd even heard his brother slip and call Ram Daddy a time or two, before he’d even brought it up. His friend hadn’t gone into very many details and while he was a little sad that Kade didn’t trust him enough to tell him, he was going to give Kade the benefit of the doubt and let him tell his story when he was ready. “What does he mean by coming up with punishment?” he asked.
Kade groaned and put his head in his hands. “It’s a long story.”
Justice quirked a brow. “We have food and drinks here so I believe we have time for a long story, and I feel it’s one I’d really like to know.”
“It’s consensual,” Doc told Justice when he saw the man’s face.
Kade looked up and nodded. “It is, and he doesn’t mean punishment like impact play. Ram is very against that for me.”
“I think you should explain it more to him. Being on the outside of it, it does sound kind of ominous.” Doc nudged Kade’s shoulder.
“Do I have to?” Kade muttered, looking down at the table. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed, he just had no idea how to even explain himself to his friend.
“Kade,” Justice called out softly and waited for his friend to make eye contact with him before he spoke, “You’ve already told me about the relationship you and Ram have, you never went into details, but I want you to know you’re my brother no matter what.”
“It’s an unconventional relationship, even by kink standards,” Kade warned.
“Are you talking like BDSM?” Justice asked, trying to understand what Kade was really hinting at.
Kade smirked at his friend. “Know about that do you?”
Justice rolled his eyes. “I’ve had patients find some relief in relationships like that before. It can be very rewarding for both parties if it’s done right.”
Kade nodded. He was still unsure how to start. He knew Justice wouldn’t make him feel weird for being the submissive in the relationship, he might tease him a little but he’d never treat him differently or like he was less than.
“From what I can gather I would say you two are in some type of D/s relationship right? Along with the Daddy/boy relationship?” Justice asked, when it became clear Kade wasn’t going to say anything.
Kade nodded.
“And Ram is the dominant and you’re the submissive?”
Kade nodded again.
Justice shrugged. “That makes sense. You need the one on one focus of someone like a dominant, and Ram seems to give you exactly what you need.”
“Oh, it’s more than that,” Doc supplied and grinned at Kade’s harsh glare.
Justice sighed. “Kade, I’m trying to help here, but I can’t if I don’t know all the facts. If you’re not ready to tell me that’s fine, but I’m not sure what advice I can give you.”
“It’s more intense than a regular D/s relationship,” Kade mumbled, softly.
Justice cocked his head as he considered everything he’d seen from the two men. His eyebrows rose in shock. “A Daddy / boy relationship… with age play?”
Kade just met his gaze and stayed silent. He didn’t really know what to say.
Justice pursed his lips. “That’s not surprising now that I think about it. He’s very sweet with you, and I agree you need a softer hand than a regular Dom, and I'm sure there are times when you just need the escape from reality. Are you happy?”
“Yes, but I’m not a little,” Kade told him.
Justice’s brow’s furrowed. “It wouldn’t matter if you were. I could see how that part would interest you with your childhood being ripped away from you. Just because you’re the submissive doesn’t make you any less than, Kade.”
Kade nodded. He knew that deep down but sometimes it was hard to remember. With his size and aura he was always pegged as a top and being so open about not being one made him break out in a cold sweat.
Justice cocked his head and studied Kade. “Does it bother you?”
Kade shrugged. “I’m not sure how to explain it. What I have with Ram doesn’t bother me, but the assumption that just because he’s the Daddy automatically makes me a little does kind of rub me the wrong way. I already know I’m going to get shit for this relationship, but I’m not weak.”
Justice nodded. “I agree, you’re not weak, Kade. You’re the furthest thing from it. Being a little would not make you weak either, I personally don’t see you as a little but if it helps you then I think you should give it a try.”
“I’m not. Ram and I already talked about it and that’s not something he wants in a relationship. He classifies me as a middle, but sometimes when I'm really tired it’s almost like I'm that kid again. Ram says I act a lot like my neighbor's kid who’s eight,” Kade muttered, rubbing at his eyes as a headache started to form.
Justice nodded. “I can see that. You are definitely more needy than a regular partner with everything you’ve been through and I’m happy he’s giving you what you need. As for the regression it sounds like it's your body knowing it’s safe and your mind taking you back to simpler times. It’s not uncommon for people who suffered a traumatic childhood Kade, and it makes you no less of a man. So you regress? So that's what you need? Don’t fight it. Let it come naturally. ”
Kade nodded. “He does but sometimes I worry I’m gonna be too much for him in the long run. I’m terrified what’s going to happen to me if one day he just decides it is too much and leaves." He didn’t even want to acknowledge the regression anymore.
“Do you think he has some of the same thoughts?” Doc asked, as he continued to shove food in his mouth.
“What?” Kade asked, confused. He’d never even considered that before. “Why would he? It’s not like I’m going anywhere?”
“You almost died,” Doc said, pointing his fork at him. “You also have a dangerous job sometimes. You didn’t see him at the hospital when you went into cardiac arrest. I did, Kade, and that man was shattered. He was convinced he was too late and I honestly saw him considering joining you in the afterlife. With the way you two are connected I honestly don’t think you could survive without the other.” Doc shrugged. “He’s probably your soulmate.”
“What?” Kade asked, shocked.
Doc sighed. “In Greek mythology humans were originally made with four arms and legs and had a head that had two faces. Zeus feared the power they could hold and cut them in half forcing humans to forever search for their other half. Maybe you found your other half.”
Kade swallowed hard. “Do you really think so?”
“Oh, yeah. You and Ram are like couple goals my man, totally sweet. I wanna be like you when I get older.” Doc assured him.
Kade rolled his eyes at his friend. “You’re an idiot.”
Justice snorted. “He does have a point though, Kade. You two are ridiculously cute together.”
Kade could feel his cheeks heating. “You two can leave at any time,” he announced much to the pleasure of the two jackasses who just laughed at him. While Justice and Doc talked, Kade made a plan on what he could do with Ram before his vision failed completely. He grabbed his tablet and started to look at flights and put the plan in motion.
“What are you doing?” Justice questioned.
“Making flight plans,” Kade muttered, more focused on the task at hand than the reactions of his friends.
“Why?” Doc asked, a little confused.
“I want to take Ram to New York so he can see where I grew up.” It had been something he’d always thought about bringing up, but with everything going on he’d forgotten all about it.
Justice pursed his lips. “Could be a good idea,” he agreed. “It’ll give him more insight into who you are as a person, more than you could explain to him.”
Kade nodded. He also sent a text to Carnage and Savage asking if they wanted to join them. He wasn’t surprised by the answer. His brothers never wanted to return to the horrors of their childhood and he couldn’t really blame them. He’d been surprised when his parents had been sent to a prison in Texas, but they had been able to choose the prison in exchange for giving up their supplier. They had apparently moved closer to him to try and regain a part of their relationship back.
“Are your brothers going to go?” Doc wondered.
Kade shook his head. “No, I just asked. Carnage never wants to be in that area again and I completely understand. Savage is worried about leaving Carnage alone at this point. He seems to be struggling with all the changes lately so I’m trying to give him time to decompress.” He looked to Justice. “I’ve asked both of them to make appointments with you, Savage especially, because I know he’s having a hard time dealing with Siren’s passing. Carnage will be a tougher nut to crack, but I can already tell he went through hell before he made it out.”
Justice nodded. “I’ve left myself pretty open just in case. I had been planning to talk to you about it at some point, but I agree they both should see someone, whether it’s me or not.”
“I want it to be you, because I know you’ll actually do what you can to help. You’ll actually listen and not just try to drug them into submission,” Kade fired back. He never wanted to see his brothers go through what he’d seen some of the men and women coming home from war go through. What he himself went through. The meds took away your sense of self, made you like a zombie who found no joy in life.
“I’ll do what I can to help them if they come to me, and if I can’t I have a few doctors I trust to help me find a way to help them.” Justice assured Kade, patting his hand as he took his plate to the sink.
“Ram’s heading back so maybe it’s time for us to take a hike,” Doc said, waggling his brows at Justice as they headed for the door.
Kade’s heart lodged in his throat. “Really you have to leave?” He all but begged.
“Yup,” Doc said cheerfully, shoving Justice out the door before he could offer to stay. “Hi Ram, bye Ram.” Doc waved and dragged Justice to his car.
Kade’s forehead hit the table with a thunk. He had no idea what he was supposed to say to Ram. He definitely owed the man one hell of an apology. He heard Ram come in, but he had to give himself a pep talk before he was able to meet the man’s gaze.
Ram moved closer to Kade and sat down next to him, leaning over him to speak close to his ear. “It’s okay, baby.”
Tears immediately flooded Kade’s eyes and he wasn’t able to smother the sob that broke free. He was lifted up and pulled into Ram’s chest. His face resting in Ram’s neck, the place he felt the safest. “I’m so sorry, Daddy.”
Ram smiled sadly. It seemed his Little Britches was back for a bit, but he hated that Kade felt so off kilter that he was throwing himself into different spectrums in his mind. To go to and from his middle space so fast wasn’t normal for Kade and he worried it could end up causing some damage. Ram shifted him closer and rubbed his back. “I know, baby, and I appreciate your apology and I forgive you.” He didn’t want to just brush off his boy’s apology, that could lead to a lot of issues in the long run, but he wanted his baby to know he wasn’t mad at him and could never be. “I’m not mad at you, baby. I was disappointed you yelled at me instead of telling me what was wrong, but I’m not mad at you, baby. The only reason I left was to give you time to talk to Doc or Justice without the pressure of me being there. I didn’t go far, I just went up to the main house to check on Valk and see my brother.”
“How’s Valk?” Kade asked, sniffing hard as he tried to control his tears.
Ram nodded. “He’s doing good. I removed his stitches while you were gone and he’s healing very well. He’s still a little slow and unsteady but he’s enjoying being pampered by Sanem for saving her precious baby, and he’s enjoying being a couch potato that doesn’t have to do training everyday,” he teased, rocking Kade a little in his lap. He would need to move them soon, as his back was already starting to protest the hard chair. “Come on, baby. Let’s go sit somewhere more comfortable and we can discuss your punishment.” When Kade slumped against him in relief, he knew he’d made the right choice. Kade wouldn’t forgive himself unless he was punished. Most littles, middles and boys were the same way. He settled on the couch and pulled Kade back into his lap. “What do you think would be a good punishment for you?” He always gave Kade the option to tell him, but he always made the final choice. He would never hit or spank his boy for punishment though, he was still worried Kade would have an episode during it and it could lead to his boy being afraid of him.
“No sweets.”
Ooohh, his boy really was sorry. “For how long?”
Kade swallowed hard. “Six days. One day for each word.”
His boy had really thought about this before he’d come back. “Sounds fair to me. We can start tomorrow since I made you waffles for breakfast.”
“I didn’t eat any, I think the guys ate them all though,” Kade told him.
Ram knew Kade wasn’t lying to him, his boy didn’t have it in him. “Then let me go make you something to eat and then we can sit and talk, okay? After our talk you can pick what you want to do.”
Kade sighed. He really wasn’t hungry, but he knew that wouldn’t go over very well. “Okay. I do have something to tell you when we have our talk.”
“Okay.” Ram kissed Kade’s temple and helped him up. His boy's voice had been calm so he wasn’t worried about what he wanted to talk about. He quickly fixed them up with some breakfast burritos and set Kade’s in front of him. “What do you want to tell me?”
“I bought a couple plane tickets to New York. I want to show you where I grew up before my eyesight is fully gone.” He spoke to the table, eating as he did. He didn’t want to see Ram’s face if he didn’t want to.
Ram studied Kade for a few moments and then nodded. “Okay, when do we leave?”
Kade looked up. “The tickets are for tomorrow evening, but we don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
“Of course I want to go, Kade. I want to know more about what made you the man you are today, but I know your childhood is a hard topic for you,” Ram told him. “I don’t want you to let me see it and then come to regret it.”
Kade shook his head. “I wouldn’t regret it, but I won’t lie and say it doesn’t make me nervous. I’ve locked a lot of memories I have of my childhood in a box to never remember again. I’m afraid this will open that box and I’ll remember things better left in the past.”
Ram grabbed Kade’s hand. “If that happens, I’ll be right there. Are your brothers going?”
Kade shook his head. “No, Carnage refuses to ever step foot there again, which I can understand. He had it a lot worse than I did because he protected me from it. Savage doesn’t want to leave Carnage alone right now, because he’s struggling with all the changes recently.”
Ram and Kade stumbled through the JFK International airport looking for the baggage claim. God he hated fucking airports with a passion. There were too many people and it was fucking ridiculous. Once Ram grabbed their bags and they headed outside, Kade hailed a cab.
“I hate fucking traveling,” Kade muttered under his breath.
Ram sighed deeply. “Ditto.” Once they were dropped off at their hotel they stripped and collapsed on the king size bed. The flight had taken over seven hours because of delays and it was now two in the morning in New York and they were both exhausted.
Kade snuggled into Ram's side and was just dozing when Ram spoke, “We should eat something before we go to sleep.”
Kade grunted. “No, sleep then food.” He rolled away from Ram and curled around one of the pillows.
Ram chuckled and spooned Kade from behind. “Alright, baby. Get some sleep.” He made sure Kade was fully asleep before he got up and put in a call for room service. While Kade may not be hungry, he was. He ordered both him and Kade a steak meal and put Kade’s in the microwave when it arrived. He had barely started to eat when Kade sat up.
“Food?” Kade mumbled, sleepily as he rubbed at his eyes.
Ram chuckled. His boy was just too damn cute sometimes. Kade was sitting naked on the bed as he looked around almost confused. His salt and pepper hair was sticking up in all directions and his eyes were drooping as he tried to stay awake. Ram got up and got Kade’s food out of the microwave and set it on the other end of the tiny two person table. “Come on, I got you some too.”
Kade grunted as he flung himself from the bed to the table. “I knew there was a reason I love you,” he mumbled as he took in the food in front of him and his stomach grumbled loudly.
Ram snickered. “Glad to know it.”
There were no more words as they shoveled the food down before leaning back and complaining about eating too much.
“Fuck I need to get back into the gym,” Kade said breathlessly, as he tried to get up to go back to bed.
Ram groaned as he followed suit. “You and me both, baby.” He kissed Kade softly and made sure his boy was snuggled up tight before he drifted off.
“Where do you want to start?” Ram asked, the next morning as they ate their ordered breakfast.
Kade sighed. “We can start in the Bronx, that’s where the apartment I grew up in is, if it’s still standing. The place was a shit hole long before we moved in.”
Ram nodded. “Sounds good to me.”
After they ate they headed out. They walked and it took a while but Kade showed him some of the things he remembered as a kid. “Over there, that building used to be like this little second hand bookstore that was owned by this really old couple and I remember on nights when it was really bad me and Carnage would camp out in the back for the night.”
Ram studied the run down building that had all the windows boarded up and was covered in every color of spray paint you could think of.
Kade pointed to what looked like a school. “That was the high school I barely graduated from. It’s definitely had some renovations done to it. When I went there the heat never worked so being there during the winter fucking sucked.”
Ram winced. He couldn’t even imagine and from what he gathered his boy didn’t have a lot of clothes during his childhood. “Was there anything good you remember about the school?”
Kade paused as he thought, then nodded. “There was this teacher Mr. Cortez, he was a retired drill sergeant that was trying to get JROTC to be taught in the school. Without him I wouldn’t have made it through classes. He always checked up on me. He made sure I had a warm jacket and food in my belly before classes. I owe a lot of who I am today to him. He always fueled my desire to join the military. He’d come from a background a lot like me and he said I was his way to pay it forward.”
“Have you talked to him since?” Ram asked, softly.
Kade shook his head. “No, and I should have reached out. I wanted no part of this place anymore and he reminded me of what I came from, and that wasn’t fair to him. I have no idea where he’d be now though, it’s been over twenty years.”
“Do you want to go in and look around?”
Kade’s brows furrowed. “I’m not sure we can just do that anymore, but we can try.” It turned out they could. The office ladies just waved them off without uttering a word. “It’s a good thing we’re not here to shoot up the school,” Kade muttered hotly.
Ram grunted his agreement.
“Can I help you two?” A school resource officer asked, as he came around the corner.
Kade shook his head. “No, I used to go here years ago and I’m just showing my friend around. He’s thinking of sending his kid here.”
The guy nodded. “Alright just let me know if you need any help.”
Ram quirked a brow. “Do I even wanna know?”
Kade shrugged. “I don’t think he recognized me, but he was a bully in those days. I don’t think much has changed just looking at him. Also we need to keep our hands to ourselves. This isn’t the safest neighborhood for guys like us.”
Ram nodded in understanding. He’d gotten the vibe from the very beginning.
Kade looked around as they moved further down the halls. “I can’t believe how much work was put into this school, for it to still look like shit.”
Ram snickered. He agreed with Kade it was like the school had been given the landlord special, they’d just painted over the problems hoping they would go away.
“I think this is the way to the shop and art classes.” He led Ram to the rooms that were badly connected to the brick of the school. He didn’t enter as he could see a few students and a teacher huddled around the engine of a car. He moved further down the hall. “I think the art classes were in the back of the shop.”
Ram nodded, and followed Kade further down the halls.
Kade came to a stop at a locker and tapped the dented metal door. “This was my locker, that dent was courtesy of Toby Wagner. He came after me one day and I’d had enough so I put his head right there.” He pointed at the large deep dent, and grinned at Ram. “He never messed with me again.
Ram chuckled. “I can’t say I would come back either after that treatment.”
Kade laughed. “I warned him, and he didn’t want to listen.”
“I think he got the message loud and clear,” Ram stated and pointed to the dent making Kade cackle.
Kade sighed deeply. “Yeah, I should have put more force behind it,” he said, shaking his head like he was disappointed in himself.”
Ram snorted. “Alright, Rambo.”
Kade moved them further down the halls.
“What class did Mr. Cortez teach?” Ram asked.
“History. It was always my favorite subject and he made it so fun. He told the stories in a way that made you feel like you were there. I remember one time we were studying about the Egyptian Pharaohs and he tasked us with building a diorama of the time period. All the other kids thought it was stupid, but I put so much time and effort into that project. I was so fucking proud of myself, Ram. It was the first time I had ever put forth any effort into a class,” Kade told him.
“Did you get a good grade?” Ram asked, smiling at his boy. His smile fell when Kade grunted.
“Yes and no I guess. I passed, but Toby and his minions decided they didn’t like that I was so interested in the project and making them look bad. So they destroyed it. Thankfully I had sent Mr. Cortez a picture to show him I’d done it, and that’s what he graded me on. I got an A. I was suspended and almost expelled because I went after Toby on that one. The idiot had no idea how hard it was to get the money to buy the supplies for that project and for them to just break it kinda sent me over the edge and him to the hospital with a broken rib, a collapsed lung and a broken nose,” Kade said grimacing. “Definitely not my finest moment.”
Ram snorted. “I can see that.” But he would have felt the same way so he could understand where Kade was coming from.
“Mr. Cortez came to my defense and laid out all the bullying and shit that was being done so they had no choice but to punish Toby too, that was the day I put his head through my locker door and he never fucked with me again. After that Mr. Cortez made it his mission to teach me how to control my anger, and he gave me several more projects he wanted me to build for all his classes. He liked the way I made them and he could easily show the different aspects of life at that time,” Kade told him excitedly.
Ram grinned at him. “Did you ever think about doing that now?”
Kade stumbled to a stop and looked at Ram in shock. “I mean, when I still have my sight yeah, but I’m not sure how I could do it without, there’s too many variables to be able to keep up.”
“You’re a very smart man Kade, plus you employ a tech wizard that I’m sure could help you make some type of software that would help you make 3D models of whatever you wanted.” The way Kade was staring at him with his mouth hanging open made him want to laugh.