5. Kellen
Five
Kellen
I’ve become a hermit. Worse, I’m a peeping Tom hermit.
I seem to spend all my time sitting in my living room peeking between my blinds to see if Elizabeth is coming or going.
I have no idea why I’m behaving this way and haven’t had the energy to sit and ponder what has me so worked up about seeing her again.
There was something jarring about her eyes, once filled with light and laughter and now…
so tired. She just seems really tired. I’m tired, too.
I wonder about the boy’s father, whether he’s gone like Helen or just…
gone from their lives. It’s clear she and Jake live over there alone, although I remember that her parents live in the neighborhood.
I grin, wondering if their basement still has the bright red linoleum floor. She and I used to sneak down there through the side door and make out, careful not to get loud near any of the ducts in case the sound traveled.
I wake earlier than usual on Monday, feeling restless.
There are no lights on across the street, and I slip off to work as the sun is rising.
I settle in to my office to review the progress we are making with our new endeavors.
Beltane Engineering, the company my brother and I started together, recently brought in a guy who studies machine learning.
The whole thing was my nephew Zack’s idea.
He met this guy in college, Ray, who is showing us all sorts of things about how his sensors can supplement our inspection processes.
He’s got computer programs analyzing days and days worth of video footage checking out everything from landslides near mining operations to rust on highway overpasses.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been out making calculations.
At this stage of my career, I’m doing more big picture work, making sure all the gears are turning.
When my nephew Liam got the idea to add power infrastructure to our inspection catalogue, I was simultaneously thrilled for him and his brainstorm and jealous as hell that I hadn’t thought of it.
As I stare at our numbers, I realize that my brother and I had planned for our kids to take over leadership of the company…and it’s happening. Liam and Zack have found their groove and are proving to be both brilliant engineers and good stewards of Beltane.
It should feel better to realize this. How many people can claim this sort of success?
I don’t usually think about myself getting older.
I know time is passing, obviously, but I don’t necessarily feel like an old fart except when these young guys, all filled with brilliant ideas, put things in motion and sort of make me feel left behind.
I’m not entirely sure I know what to do with myself if I’m not making sure things are ok at Beltane.
I’m about to slip into some sort of pity party about it when my brother skids into my office.
Mick is freshly showered, chewing gum like he’s trying to destroy it.
“Kel,” he says, sinking into a chair, his foot shaking as he crosses it over his opposite knee.
“My boy was telling me something very interesting.”
Mick vibrates. He’s always done so. Mom used to say he was made out of electricity. I know damn well what he’s referring to, but I decide to play dumb. “Which boy was that, Michael?”
He reaches in his pocket for a fresh stick of gum. This must really have him agitated if he’s going through multiple pieces in a morning. “Is it true that Elizabeth Burns now lives across the street from you?”
“I didn’t think you’d remember her.” I fold my hands on the desk, willing my body to be calm, trying to ignore the growing tornado inside me as I think about how I’m supposed to deal with this situation.
Mick cackles, sets both feet on the ground, and grips the edge of my desk.
“Don’t think the time I caught you two in Gram’s backyard isn’t burned into my brain,” he says.
“Even this leaky sieve remembers that.” He taps on his skull for emphasis.
“My niece also tells me she’s been pestering you about getting back in the game. ”
“Oh lord.” I bury my face in my hands. It’s one thing for my daughter to say these things to me and make me upset. It’s another entirely to think the whole family is out discussing me like some sort of highway attraction.
“I know you all think I’m a batty old dirtbag,” Mick says, leaning back again with his hands laced together behind his head. “But I happen to think Orla’s right about this one. It’s been a long time, Kellen. It’ll do you good to go out. Meet people. Be social.”
“I hate people,” I remind him. Mick sucked every extroverted gene out of our mom’s womb. I’m perfectly content with my work and my family in my life, even if those two circles overlap quite a bit.
Mick waves that comment away. “Come on, Kel,” he says. “What’s it been? Ten years? Fifteen? It’s not natural for a person to go that long without sex.”
“Mick, I’m not talking about this with you.
” I feel nauseated at the idea of this discussion with my brother of all people.
I will admit that he has a small point, in that there really isn’t anyone else I could have that particular conversation with.
“I think that part of me is…just finished. That’s all. ”
Mick squints at me. It’s not really a lie. I haven’t felt urges in years. First I was up to my ears taking care of Helen. Then I was grieving and parenting a teen girl all on my own. Nothing like your only daughter getting her period to stifle down any scraps of libido.
But I’m not going to tell him that the night I saw Beth in my driveway, I woke up from a very lucid dream. And I haven’t been able to shake the feel of it. My brother spits his gum toward my wastebasket and, thankfully, makes the shot. He and Callum certainly are cut from the same cloth.
“Listen, Kellen, I just want you to be happy. And whole. And I agree with Orla that Helen would want that, too.”
“I am happy, Mick.” I reach for my brother and pat his arm. “I have a good life.”
My brother stands up and walks around the desk, bending over and pulling me into an awkward, long-limbed hug. He kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, little brother.”
“Come on, Mick.” I straighten my collar as he extracts himself. We make eye contact for a few minutes and I watch him inhale, then exhale back to his usual self.
“I got a date with a pretty young thing this weekend,” he says. “Want me to ask if she’s got a friend?”
“I’ll see you at the staff meeting, Michael,” I scold, and I look away from him into my computer monitor. I hear him chuckle as he takes off down the hall.