29. Elizabeth
Twenty-Nine
Elizabeth
You got this. Lisa’s text bolsters my resolve as I head into the family court building.
Today is some sort of hearing in front of the family court judge, and I’m told Todd has decided to represent himself going forward.
I smile, remembering my lawyer’s triumphant cackle when she learned that Todd fired his lawyer after he wasn’t happy with the turnout of the division of marital property.
I wish I could have told Kellen about today.
I was so taken aback by his call, so confused by his words.
I do love that he was researching resources in Pittsburgh for autistic people, but how could he and Todd both hold the similar harmful view that people somehow outgrow autism and all the challenges that go along with it.
I stab the elevator button and shake my head.
I need to change my mindset. I’ve been working very hard not to focus on the challenges, but to think about the unique way Jake is able to approach problems due to the way his mind works.
This just makes me remember how Kellen talked about his colleagues and their innovative way of solving challenges.
“Gah,” I growl. I smooth my hands down my outfit, one of the professional sets from the capsule wardrobe.
I pat my thigh with the tattoo, glad all over again that I got it. It’s like a secret talisman to help me do hard things. I’m different than I was a few months ago, and I’m strong enough to face whatever waits for me in this meeting.
My lawyer, Erin, stands in the hall staring daggers at Todd. Erin wears killer heels and a tailored pantsuit and looks like she can make people weep. This is why I hired her. Lisa and Ashish helped me find her. “Liz,” she says, nodding. “This is about to be amazing. I promise.”
I glance over at Todd and sneer. We all get called inside and I spend the next hour rolling my eyes. Todd is filing a motion to get 50/50 custody, increasing his hours with Jake in response to my filing for full custody and support.
“He hardly ever shows up for the time he does have with Jake,” I shout eventually, slapping the table and earning a stern head shake from Erin.
I bite my lip and sink back into the chair.
Nobody is listening to reason. I hear Todd outlining some nonsense about me actively working to alienate him.
He’s presenting himself as a doting father driven to stray from his cold, depressed wife.
My knuckles are white as I squeeze the edge of the table. Erin hisses out of the side of her mouth, “Say nothing. This is expected. Let him dig a hole.”
Todd steeples his fingers on the table, looking so smarmy I feel myself wanting to slice his face with the fancy pen sitting on the table in front of him.
I only half listen as the judge explains that we both need to attend a seminar about co-parenting.
Like hell Todd will show up for anything like that, I think.
Eventually, I’m startled to realize Erin is nudging me to leave the room.
“What the fuck, Erin? How dare he? How dare he bring up my postpartum depression! I was left home alone to recover from an emergency cesarean and hysterectomy, to simultaneously parent a colicky newborn with absolutely zero help.” She nods.
“He only took two days off work,” I shriek.
Erin tugs my arm and pulls me into an open supply closet.
“Lizzy, we’re not going to lose our temper in public.
I know all this shit is hard to hear. I know.
” She rubs my arm. “I promise you he did not come out of there looking good.” She assures me the next hearing will be the end of things, when she will present all the dates and times of missed custody as well as Jake’s own vehement wish not to go sleep over at his father’s house.
I drive home, feeling dejected. I stare at the treadmill, knowing I might feel better after a pounding run—or at least a vigorous walk—but I can’t even do that with my injury. All I feel capable of is sinking into the couch.
I keep hearing Todd’s words, the way he was twisting my parenting to make me sound like a helicopter parent, some sort of spoiled housewife out to ruin Todd’s life.
I look out the window to see Jake climbing the hill on his way home from school. My survival mode instincts kick into gear. I feel myself shutting down all my own needs and active emotions. My body prepares to emphasize him and his needs.
And then I watch as he turns toward Kellen’s house. He rings the bell and starts fishing in his bag, pulling out what I recognize as his physics folder. He grins when Kellen answers the door and beckons him inside.
I have no words to describe the deflation I feel in this moment, no explanation for why this feels like such a rejection to me.
But before I know it, I recognize the sound of gasping sobs escaping my body.
I sit on the couch and just sob and scream in a way I haven’t yet done.
Not when I caught Todd with his mistress.
Not when I woke up from surgery to learn I’d never have another child.
I cry for all of it, until I feel empty and I have no idea how to fill myself back up again.