Retrograde (The Prospects #3)

Sagan

“You’re not ducking my questions this time,” Benson said from my right as I snuck back onto the castle grounds.

I swallowed a yelp at the last second but almost slipped given my hold was precarious.

“I don’t answer to you,” I reminded him… Which was the wrong way to handle this from the anger that filled his eyes.

Fuck.

“No, but I’m done being brushed off or having so much kept from me and then blamed when shit goes wrong,” he snapped, his grasp on me tightening. “I’ve been drowning in so much fucking guilt that I’ve been—” He shut his mouth so fast that I winced as he bit his tongue.

I was close enough to smell the blood from the wound.

I almost snapped something back, but Iris about smacked me to pay attention. Really pay attention instead of always being angry as well.

And it was then I noticed Benson wasn’t just tired like normal—like we all were—but exhausted. Haunted. He’d lost weight and was—there was a darkness hovering around him that wasn’t good.

“You’ve been what?” I whispered, searching his eyes. “What, Benson?” I fisted his shirt when he tried to let me go and move away. “What, Benson?”

He swallowed loudly. “Don’t make me say it.

” He looked away and let out a shaky breath.

“Don’t do to me what your parents did. Please?

I didn’t deserve the job when they gave it to me.

I was too young and not ready. I get that now.

My uncle helped me see that—they did us both a disservice by honoring my dad. ”

“That wasn’t your mistake.”

He flinched but let out a slow breath. “Of course you saw it. Of course you did. You see it all.”

I let go of his shirt and rubbed my hand over his chest. “Because I wasn’t here at the eye of the storm.

I was an outsider. I had that perspective.

” I cleared my throat. “And I cared about you, not just the optics. You weren’t ready.

They did it because people were pissed someone so amazing died for just a royal female who wouldn’t even mate for an alliance. ”

“No wonder she’s still so haunted by it,” he muttered before meeting my gaze.

“I can be the person for this job now. I can. I know I can. I’m learning—Davian is really great and teaching me a lot.

I’m ready now. I promise, so don’t fucking handicap me the way your parents did. Don’t hide it all from me and—”

“I can’t,” I whispered and tried to move away.

He shook me, the disappointment in his eyes cutting through me. “I’m not a fucking moron, Mystic Frost.”

Fuck. Just… Fuck.

He chuffed but then looked to his left before rolling us off the ledge we were on to get lower and hidden.

“Why ask me what’s going on if you knew?” I hissed, shoving at his chest even if it didn’t move him since I wasn’t willing to hurt him. “This is—you still treat me like a kid you’re catching doing something wrong. I’m not a kid and—”

“No, you’re not,” he agreed but then blew out a long breath and lost some of his upset. “It wasn’t me treating you like a kid. You haven’t been a kid in a long fucking time, okay? Okay?”

It was about trust. He wanted to see if I’d trust him.

“You don’t let me in either,” I defended weakly.

“That’s fair,” he accepted after a few moments.

“We need to like start over in our new roles, but that’s so dismissive of our history and makes me ill almost. I don’t know the answer.

” He lifted his head and met my eyes, worry and more in them.

“But I am on your side, Sagan. Always. Please? Please let me help you. If your mystic dragon needs attention or…”

He’d trailed off because I was trying not to laugh.

And failing.

“You think I’m doing this for thrill seeking?

” I managed to get out before plugging my nose so I didn’t burst out laughing.

I held my breath and got myself under control, ignoring that he’d moved away and was sitting on his butt with a frown.

“Okay, well, you get points for following me or however you figured it out and—”

“I got some damn sleep,” he drawled, nodding when I raised an eyebrow at that. “I wasn’t sleeping after the coup, Sagan. It was clear there were guards working for the elders and not on your side and I was fucking terrified. Every second of every day. Every millisecond.”

I let out a slow breath. “You know I can take on any threat.”

“Don’t be dismissive,” he snapped. “Even you have limits. If all the guards and elders came for you while you were drugged again or something…”

“I get it,” I sighed, even if I knew I could still handle that.

There wouldn’t be a castle left and a lot of other problems later, but… I’d be fine.

Not so much the elders and guards, but I was okay with that.

Really okay with that, especially after how much more we knew.

He scrubbed his hand over his head and I tried to ignore how his muscles flexed and moved or the way his short hair stood up all over, showing he’d recently showered and hadn’t fixed it. I didn’t notice any of that or get distracted at all.

Nope.

His nostrils flared and he locked in on my lips for a moment.

I swear he did just for a moment. “I got some sleep and I felt like a fucking idiot that I didn’t recognize you with Myriam that night.

Yeah, fine, I saw you practicing once or twice when you were younger, but—of course it was you.

And of course it made sense why she laid into me the way she did. ”

“I found that shocking too,” I admitted, still touched at the way she’d chewed his ass out that he was out enjoying the summer night market when I didn’t get to. “She also wasn’t wrong.”

The look he gave me made it clear he thought I was being a petty brat. “You just had a coup and dirty guards—all sorts of issues, so the damn food carts weren’t a priority.”

I couldn’t hide my hurt. “And you wonder why I don’t talk to you or think of you as a friend or someone I can trust?” I pushed to stand, not caring who saw me anymore. I wanted away from him more than anything else mattered right then.

Apparently, he didn’t agree, nabbing me around the waist and flipping me over his shoulder in one easy move.

“I will break you,” I threatened.

He snorted. “No, you won’t. I am the one person in the world who never has to fear you. You are incapable of ever hurting me no matter what I do, and that actually makes me the biggest threat to your safety and why I shouldn’t ever be around you.”

I slumped over and let him carry me off. He was right.

On both accounts, and I thought better of him as my head of security that he acknowledged that. That someone finally did.

He brought me to a room I’d never been to before, plopping me on a table and giving me a look to spill. But then he sighed when I looked around curiously.

“Yeah, well, learning the castle wasn’t a priority for me,” I snapped. “I’m not sleeping much either, and Myriam was right that if you got a night off to get a break, I deserved it too.”

“You did,” he blasted. “You did get the night off! You were there and—” he loudly blew a harsh breath between his lips and paced around before stopping back in front of me.

“Why did you laugh?” He adjusted his neck when I didn’t answer.

“Fine, I’ll go first. Yes, I figured out it was you and thought it was just you blowing off some overdue steam.

“Of course you deserve a fucking break. You deserve all the breaks. Millions of them. More than anyone. Unlimited and always have, Sagan. You didn’t have a childhood and...

” Pity filled his eyes as he put together the extra on why Myriam reamed him.

He cleared his throat and stepped closer.

“That’s why Onyx’s date fell so flat. He’s still confused and—”

“You want to talk boys with me?” I mocked. “After making it clear you don’t want me and—”

His lips were on mine before I even had a chance to think something was happening, much less understand what did happen. He kissed me deeply and almost immediately pushed his tongue in my mouth as he cupped my head and touched my hip. He devoured my mouth like all of me was his.

And had been for a long time.

But then he was gone as fast. I blinked at him as he cursed a few times and turned away.

“It was never a matter of wanting you or not, you idiot,” he whispered as he locked his fingers behind his neck. “It’s that I can’t have you. There’s no world where we could be together.”

“What?” I gasped as I pushed to stand, hating that my body was still locked in that kiss and struggling to catch up.

He turned to face me and looked destroyed. “I wanted—have always wanted you, Sagan. But I live in the real world where the king’s head of security doesn’t date, and certainly doesn’t mate, his daughter—now the queen. Can you even imagine how that would play out? The mess of your life that—”

“That wasn’t your choice to make,” I whispered.

He frowned and looked annoyed which surprised me. “Of course it was my choice. Anyone has the choice to say no if they—”

“If you didn’t want to be with me,” I chuffed.

“Of course you can say no if you didn’t want to be with me.

If you didn’t want me. That’s what you said.

Even if you didn’t want the pressure of a relationship with the heir to the throne.

I would have understood that!” I growled when he still looked confused. “But you wanted me! You just said it.”

He flinched, the pieces coming together. “Right, but I had to protect you and—”

“Gross,” I whispered, and took a step back from him.

I nodded when he flinched again. “Seriously, that’s just gross.

You let me think you didn’t want me that way to protect me from my own…

Bad choices? You’re a martyr now? You sacrificed what you wanted for—you don’t understand how gross what you’re saying is? ”

“No, no, you’re twisting it,” he growled.

I considered that a moment and took another step away when he reached for me. “I don’t think I am, so let’s just finish this conversation and I want to leave.”

He reacted like I did slap him across the face and lowered his hand, not meeting my gaze. “Then I heard some of the clean guards talking about the female mystic dragon fighter who came from nowhere and is completely unstoppable. I’m never that fucking brain-dead.”

Debatable.

“And not only did they want to go see like they used to because Mystic Frost sounded amazing, but you had a really good idea about checking out the fights and making sure they didn’t get any more unsavory.

That you were looped in and way more knowledgeable about it all and even downloaded the app. Like come on.”

Well, shit. “So you didn’t even have to follow me there, huh?”

He snorted, not even having to say it. “Though I will say you’re smart on how you were getting in and out. I plugged up the other holes now that we have more security I can trust. I tried to catch you at those spots.”

I opened my mouth and then closed it. “I can’t even give you shit when almost half the guards were corrupt and did nothing. It was terrifyingly easy to get in and out at the start.”

“Something else to keep me up drinking at night,” he grumbled. The silence got awkward between us when I didn’t take the bait. “Why did you laugh?”

I headed for the door. “Because I wish it was as simple as my dragon being bored and looking for some fucking fun. I wish that even this one area of my life could be that simple.”

“I need to know what’s going on,” he said firmly.

I froze with my hand on the door and looked at him over my shoulder.

“I couldn’t trust you with this before. Now I really can’t after knowing what you did.

I was destroyed—completely destroyed thinking I’d gotten it so wrong that you felt nothing for me.

And you did. I was a mess, and that was why Treena put her foot down and said to just date anyone. That’s how…”

I ended up with Kole. I’d left here broken that my love for Benson had been swatted away like an annoying confession and walked right into an abusive relationship because I’d wanted anyone to care. I’d wanted to move on and… Who really could say?

A hundred shrinks maybe.

He swallowed loudly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know—I never would have thought that—I just wanted to—”

“My choices are my own,” I accepted. “I decided how to handle my heartbreak and—I did it. My point is you protected me from nothing by lying. The only thing you did was hurt us both because I can’t even look at you right now. Knowing what I know—and then you kissed me—stay away from me.”

“Sagan, please, wait,” he rasped. He moved his hands to the door and kept me from leaving, pressing his body to mine. “I never wanted you hurt. I did try to tell you that night. You just heard I didn’t want you and that was all you heard. It just seemed…”

Easier?

Probably, but knowing Benson, he was thinking safer.

I pushed him, but since I wasn’t willing to hurt him, I couldn’t move him. “Let me go. I won’t tell you and I want to leave. You had your chance—you only care because I have to mate.”

He flinched and moved away like I burned him but made sure to make me turn around and face him.

“I can’t stand seeing you hurt by assholes, and I hold out hope you can get out of this and away from all of them to find someone worthy of you.

I know it can’t be me, but it better fucking be someone who will love you like I would! ”

Asshole. Fucking asshole.

“I’m glad I know the truth now,” I rasped, quickly wiping my eyes. “It will be so much easier to move on from the candle I still held for you. Seriously.”

I yanked the door open fast enough that I heard something bad but then froze at his next words.

“Hate me if you need to, but I will fucking protect you, Sagan. I swore an oath. Tell me what’s going on or I’ll close the rest of the holes so you can’t sneak out again.”

I chuckled darkly and smirked at him over my shoulder. “Then let the games begin because I don’t give in to threats. I never will, not even from you. Plus, I don’t think you’ll win this, and clearly you haven’t learned enough humility if you’re assuming you would.”

I left, careful not to slam the door behind me even if I wanted to. Not for the physical act, but more the emotional need as if closing the door on my feelings for Benson could be that easy.

Closing the chapter on my love for him?

Sure thing.