Sagan #2
He seemed to understand my dilemma or at least was in the mood to be extra kind.
“His mate is always the answer. She keeps him grounded and he won’t—he hates to disappoint her.
The biggest mistake your mother made was not making friends with her.
Make her your best friend and he will never be a problem. ”
“Why warn me?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“Because I’m not one of them,” he answered immediately and glanced up at the night. “I think I’m like her and she was kind. She was good enough to see something in an asshole like my dad. I want to—I don’t want to be like them.”
“Thanks, Ayao. Really.”
He nodded and went for his contraband. “We really could make a good team, Sagan. I wouldn’t betray you. It’s not in me.”
“Not being faithful is betrayal to me, so it’s really a fundamental difference. I’m sorry.” I thought that was the nicest way to say no to his idea now that we’d sorted out our meeting and I liked him better.
Unfortunately, he was stupid again and kept talking.
He frowned at me and snorted. “Kinda selfish that you would get other men and expect them to only have one woman forever. I really didn’t expect that of you.” He seemed to shrug it off and left with a fucking salute like we were buddies.
I couldn’t even curb my reaction, my damn mouth hanging open.
“I liked him for like twenty fucking minutes,” I grumbled. “What is it with that family? Yeah, he’s totally like them.”
I still took his advice though and told Myriam to get everything on Dray’s mate and the way to have a common anything with her. She smirked and handed me a folder.
“I’m almost offended you didn’t think I’d be prepared and see what you needed. The Alpha’s getting a bit too big for his temporary power you gave him. I figured you wouldn’t want to break him again, and befriending the mate is always smart.”
“Except the one who hates my mother and now me enough to bribe guards here for dirt,” I muttered as I flipped through the file. “Extra awkward when her son is trying to mate me. Awesome mother-in-law prospect.”
I felt better when there were a few snorts in the room. Then I was thrilled when I saw what Myriam had.
“I thought you’d like that,” she teased when I chuckled. “Make it happen?”
I nodded and gave her back the folder, leaning in and kissing her hair, which shocked her. “Calling you to help me was maybe the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.”
“Oh geez, don’t gush your feelings all over me,” she growled and jumped away.
That was hysterical because yeah, I was totally emotional, but given we were both way too cold and not affectionate… It was funny.
What was in the file that I liked? Dray’s mate was a huge fan of Andra, my new designer and business partner.
Velle found me a bit later and handed me a bright white credit card that only the ultra-rich had because it had no limit.
“‘Please decorate your suite already because the staff is talking and wondering if there’s a problem. You don’t have to worry and it’s all covered.
’ That’s the message I’m to deliver because now I’m a carrier pigeon, not a griffin. ”
“No one would ever disrespect you that way,” I said as I swallowed a sigh and took it from her, seeing my name was on it. “Please whisper back that nothing is wrong. I’m busy.” I wiggled it around. “And yes, I didn’t have anything besides the castle’s account Raquel manages after…”
She nodded and there was pity in her eyes.
“Yeah, I get you.” She reached out like she might pat my shoulder but then kind of punched it awkwardly.
“And you are busy, so don’t just do whatever to get it done.
Baby steps to rebuild your life and find who you are.
It’s what I’m doing.” She cleared her throat and looked away. “Thanks to you.”
“Thanks for helping me so I can too,” I said quietly as she walked away knowing she would hear me. Sure enough, she gave a half wave over her shoulder.
Honestly, we were the most emotionally stunted and fucked-up group of women maybe ever.
Not Treena. She was actually mature and well-loved—well-rounded and… Well, not normal as a princess, but she knew how to handle something so minor while Myriam, Velle, and I were always weird.
“Start small, huh?” I muttered as I flipped the card around in my fingers.
I headed up to my suite thinking about it and oddly enough came across several maids getting off work.
I nodded when they wished me a good night but then stopped and glanced at them.
“Where would you start in decorating a royal suite if you’ve never decorated anything and… ”
“Never really chosen anything for yourself before?” one of them asked gently, sharing a look with the others when I didn’t respond.
Which really was answering yes.
“Whatever brings you comfort, Your Majesty,” the second said softly. “Your suite should be your haven. So far all you’ve brought up are drinks and electronics that were your father’s. Their suite was theirs. What do you want? Anything you want. No one’s judging you.”
At least they all winced when I snorted.
“Not the staff, but people apparently are talking that I haven’t decorated yet like that’s all I’ve had to do so—all I get is judged,” I muttered.
The third one gasped in the awkward silence and then hurried to pull out her phone and unlock it.
“My sister sent me this gorgeous lamp on Instagram. It’s one of those LED light ones with all different settings and programs, but it doesn’t look like it.
It looks really fancy and with like blown glass.
It’s a small Thovudin startup. I was thinking of saving for one. ”
I checked I could take her phone and not just she was showing me. It was really cool. There were different designs and it was exactly what she said. It didn’t look like a techie lamp but a fancy, really expensive one.
Actually, it was.
“For a lamp?” I whispered, scrolling through some more pictures. I winced when one snickered. “Yes, funny from me, but I admit I’m clueless on these things. I was trained to balance the nation’s budgets and how much the cost of building infrastructure is, not household items.”
It was like the tenth one that I fell in love with.
“That would be perfect for your suite, Your Majesty,” the third said firmly, clearly understanding I liked it. “The colors would go lovely in the room, especially with the drapes and bedspread you picked out.”
One cleared her throat. “Raquel did.”
“I like it though,” I hurried to say. “I asked for darker and calm. They’re lovely neutral grays and now something like this could shine.”
“Exactly, smart choice,” the second hurried to say.
I sent the link to my phone and thanked them, not wanting to keep them anymore when they were heading home… And to not make any more awkward conversation for them.
Or me. Dear gods, I was awkward.
I really did love the lamp though. It was simple and very elegant. Most fancy and pricey lamps looked garish to me. This was honestly more like an upside-down large vase. It was swirled and clearly blown glass from the imperfections, but—I really liked it.
And since it was meant to change the lights for the mood, that seemed better.
I took a quick shower since I still needed to get the night’s fights off of me and then lay on my bed and debated ordering it. I glanced over at my nightstand with the ugly lamp that was from another room that I knew was just there temporarily and hated it.
I hated so much of the castle and honestly living there.
It was time to admit that.
I hated living in my own castle.
All I had ever wanted to do was come home when I studied all over the world, but now that I was there—I hated it. I wanted to be anywhere else.
“You don’t hate your home,” Iris said gently in my head.
“You hate you didn’t feel welcome when they were alive and you still don’t feel welcome,” Eloise added, always the more blunt of my dragons. “Get the pretty light. Our home now. Fuck everyone else.”
Of course she just wanted the pretty.
But I did agree with her… Fuck everyone else.
Maybe just not Joris. I shivered as I thought about how hot the sex had been. Apparently, what he needed unlocked a lot of what I needed and hadn’t known it.
Iris was definitely all for it. She was right there with me, flirting with his dragon at times and making it clear she was the one in charge with me.
Which was fine with Eloise. She liked to be best at things, not necessarily lead. She found it all… Tedious? She wanted fun and just to be free when all she knew was being confined.
Shocker, right?
I had a moment to think if I should buy something for Joris like—not a thank you for sex but… Maybe? Courting?
Wait, I shouldn’t do that first when he was courting me. Right?
“Oh, fuck everything,” I grumbled and went back to my Instagram scrolling for ideas.
If there was ever a time I just wanted to enjoy pretty and not think, it was right then.
Thinking back to that night reminded me how upset Onyx and Thorn had been that I’d chosen Joris when Lori had drugged me and started my heat.
Fine, I understood Onyx; he wanted me for real. But Thorn?
Petty. He just didn’t want others to have me because the sex was amazing. He didn’t want me for real. I could even forgive how stupid he’d been and handled it all badly, but then stop making plays for me.
I shook off Thorn and his stupid and focused on myself. I glanced around, and while I liked my suite and the renovations, it still didn’t feel like mine.
“Because people are in your space and you hate that. Stop being so amiable and start putting yourself first. You cannot function if you don’t take better care of yourself,” Iris lectured, Eloise agreeing…
And asking when we were having fun foods again because she didn’t get any again after being so awesome.
I blew out a harsh breath. Nothing was ever easy. Seriously.