Chapter 25 Lily
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
LILY
It was probably a good thing we had plans to spend Christmas Eve at the Carmichaels’. My family was picking up on my vibes and pestering me with questions about why I’d come home so “glum.” I deflected. I lied. Stress, I said. My exams. It was taking me a while to decompress, that’s all.
They didn’t believe me, and Jan, in particular, looked as if she was gearing up to tie me to a chair and interrogate me.
I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s Christmas.
The black cloud over my head wasn’t going anywhere, but I didn’t need to infect anyone else with its inky dreariness.
Christmas Eve, I pasted a bright smile on my face and filed into the car with my family.
Jan decided she wanted to be cutesy this year and had insisted she and I wear the same dress in different colors.
She’d made them herself—long-sleeve, velvet skater girl dresses with oversized white collars.
Mine was Christmas red and Jan’s was Christmas green.
The thing that pushed our outfits over the edge into ridiculous was that she’d talked me into wearing green tights while she wore red.
We looked like frickin’ elves. But I was trying to keep the peace between us, so I wore the outfit and endured the good-natured teasing from our parents and extended family.
“This is adorable,” Beth greeted me as we entered her parents’ busy kitchen. My cousin’s lips strained against laughter.
“Don’t.” I rolled my eyes before leaning in to kiss her cheek. “I’m doing a sisterly favor is all. Jan is on some weird cutesy kick this Christmas.”
“Uh, weird cutesy kick?” Jan appeared at our side. “We look fucking delightful.”
“Language!” Mum yelled across the room.
Jan’s eyes widened. “Her hearing is supernatural.”
“You do look adorable.” Beth leaned into Callan, who wrapped an arm around her waist. “But you also look like Christmas elves.”
Jan looked us up and down in consideration. “Crazy-hot Christmas elves,” she decided.
Callan and Beth grinned while I sighed in my best beleaguered big sister way.
“Anyway, I didn’t do it for me. I did it to inject some humor into Lily.
” Jan patted my shoulder sympathetically.
“Something happened to Lily that she won’t talk to us about.
Maybe you’ll have a better chance getting it out of her so the rest of us can enjoy our Christmas.
” On that, she flounced off to engage Belle in a tight hug.
I hadn’t seen Belle in ages and was glad to see Jo and Cam’s daughter was here without the boyfriend everyone hated.
“She dumped him,” Beth informed me.
“Huh?”
“Belle. She dumped the arsehole after she found out he was cheating on her.”
“I’m glad she got rid of him,” I murmured.
“Now, what’s this Jan is talking about?”
Callan cleared his throat and released Beth. “I think I’ll go grab another drink.”
She smiled gratefully at him, then turned to me as her boyfriend departed.
“Beth—”
My cousin took my arm before I could stop her and shuffled me out of the kitchen.
The Carmichaels’ townhouse was mammoth. The ground floor had a grand vestibule that led into a hallway with a wide, opulent curving stairwell.
Three doors split off to the huge kitchen my aunt and uncle had renovated a few years ago, a TV room, a guest bedroom, a bathroom, and Uncle Braden’s office.
On the next floor was the primary suite, a huge second living room, and Aunt Joss’s office.
The top floor had been my cousins’ floor growing up.
They each had a bedroom and shared a bathroom.
When I was a wee kid, I thought my cousins lived in a palace.
Beth led me into the TV room and shut the door.
They’d color drenched the room with a moody blue.
The sofa was a sumptuous corner unit that could seat about ten people and was in a mustard-gold velvet that worked beautifully against the blue.
Scatter cushions in blues and yellows and coppers made you want to dive on it so you could enjoy the enormous flat-screen TV on the opposite wall.
Beth sat down and I reluctantly followed suit.
“What’s going on?”
I shrugged unhappily. “I’m fine.”
“That was the least-sounding fine I’ve ever heard in my life. Why aren’t you telling Jan and/or your parents what’s up?”
“It’s Christmas and I don’t want to bring anyone down, okay.”
Beth raised an eyebrow. “Clearly, that plan is working great.”
“If they knew what was wrong, they’d watch me like a bird with a broken wing for the rest of Christmas break and I can’t stand the thought of that.”
“Then tell me. Maybe it’ll help. Has it got something to do with Sebastian?”
Groaning, I rested my face in my hands for a few seconds and then dropped them to meet Beth’s sympathetic stare. Maybe telling Beth would help me figure out my next move.
I told her about the last few months of very confusing signals from Sebastian. The Christmas gift he’d given me that was currently hidden in a drawer in the bedroom back at my flat. And without going into too much detail, the kisses we’d shared and the resultant aftermath.
While I hadn’t told Beth the details of Sebastian’s trauma, I did tell her there was something in his past that he blamed himself for. That it was big, and he was punishing himself over it.
“Oh wow.” Beth considered this. “You really think he won’t pursue a relationship with you because he’s punishing himself for some past transgression?”
“All evidence points to it. I don’t even think he realized that’s what he’s doing until I said it out loud.” My gut twisted. “When I said it, he looked like he was going to be sick.”
“Oof.”
“Oof indeed.” The ache in my chest intensified. “I don’t know what to do. I mean enough to him that he wants my friendship. But I don’t mean enough to him to work through his issues to be with me romantically.”
Beth took my hand. “Lily, forget about Sebastian’s feelings for a second. I’m interested in yours and what’s best for you. If you think you can continue being his friend, then do it, but I suggest putting boundaries in place. If you think you can’t, then you should sever all ties.”
“It would hurt him.”
“If remaining his friend hurts you, I’m sorry, I don’t care if ending the friendship hurts him. Sometimes we have to be selfish to protect our own mental health.”
Neither option made me feel any better. In fact, the thought of not seeing Sebastian anymore was like a crushing weight on my chest. “I … I think I want to keep him in my life. But … with boundaries. Not like before. We were in each other’s pockets before.”
“He was acting like a boyfriend without the benefits,” Beth opined dryly. “That boy is in serious denial. You know Callan was in denial for a while.”
“You said.” I smiled unhappily. When Callan and Beth started dating, it was casual.
With an end date and everything. Callan didn’t want the casual dating to stop but Beth was falling for him, so she broke it off.
It didn’t take Callan long to realize he was in love with her and to come groveling back.
Remembering the haunted look on Sebastian’s face, I shook my head. “I don’t think Sebastian’s ready to let go of the past. I’m not sure he ever will be.”
Beth patted my hand. “Then you start living life for you. I know you’re busy, but maybe dating would be a good way to move on from this nonrelationship with Sebastian. Hogmanay is the perfect night to start. No-strings fun can be found anywhere on Hogmanay.”
There was a desperate part of me that wanted to do just that. To find some quick fix to get over Sebastian Thorne. “I did get invited to a Hogmanay party.”
“Then you should go. You’re twenty-two, Lily, and you look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
You should start enjoying yourself and stop putting life off because you have exams and papers and a dissertation.
Trust this former workaholic who had no life.
Find the balance now so you don’t wake up at forty wondering why all you have to show for your time on this planet is work.
I mean, that’s great if that’s all you want, but I know that’s not all you want. ”
Her advice settled on me with gravity.
She was right.
Even if Sebastian hadn’t come into my life, I knew I’d still have buried my head in school. Maybe it was burnout from dating. Or maybe it was easier to stop looking for love than to endure the heartache of continuing to look for it.
I didn’t want to live my life like that.
I wanted to keep searching, even when it hurt. Because I had something some people didn’t. I had living proof from my parents, from my aunts and uncles, and from Beth … true love existed. And it was worth the growing pains and the inconvenience and all the disruption it brought.
It was worth searching for.