Chapter 40 - Sebastian
CHAPTER FORTY
SEBASTIAN
Royal Mile was bleak beneath the darkened sky, the cobbled road slickened and shiny under the streetlamps that were inspired to blaze to life earlier than usual.
I sat on the window seat in the living area, staring down at the familiar view. February weather in Scotland was dreary as hell. To match my mood. People hurried by with umbrellas or wearing oversized hoods, and I wondered where they were going.
It was better than wondering about Lily.
Or focusing on the necklace wrapped around my fingers.
She’d returned my Christmas gift.
As if what she said last night wasn’t enough. She wanted to make it very clear we were never to see each other again.
My attention wandered back to the necklace. It shone against my olive skin and the dark bruises of my knuckles. I’d iced them last night, so they weren’t as swollen.
“Bugger.” I squeezed my eyes closed.
I didn’t recognize the person I’d turned into in the club.
One minute I’d been watching Lily have fun with her friends, happy to see her happy, and then the next I saw some bloke approach her.
A light strobe flashed over his face, and I recognized him as her ex from that night in the bar.
When he grabbed her … seeing her struggle in his arms, knowing the damage he’d already caused her, I lost my mind.
Yet … I think Lily was right.
I think I lost it so badly because this anger at myself had been building for weeks.
I’d wanted to take it out on someone, and Chris had been the perfect target. I could punish him for what he’d done to Lily. For what I’d done to Lily.
The front door opened and slammed shut, footsteps approaching.
“Good news.” Harry strode into the living room. “I did a little investigating, and the police weren’t called. Chris and his mates left the club without reporting it. The club didn’t want any bad press, so they didn’t report it either.”
“That’s good,” I replied flatly. Though truthfully, it was good news. I might not be an oft-talked-about member of the royal family, but the tabloids would definitely print a story about Princess Mary’s grandson almost beating a man to death in a Scottish nightclub.
“Did … did he really stalk Lily? That’s what Zac said Jan said.” Harry sat down on the sofa, his expression uncharacteristically concerned.
I nodded. “He was her ex. He treated her … badly.”
Anger flashed in Harry’s eyes. “Glad you beat the shit out of him, then.”
I huffed bitterly, raising my hand with the necklace. “I lost her for good because of it.”
“What’s that?”
“The necklace I gave her for Christmas. She dropped it off with the doorman.”
Harry winced. “Sorry, man … So, does that mean you guys really were a thing?”
A thing? We were so much more than a bloody thing.
My mobile rang, saving me from having to answer. I reached for it. “It’s Juno.”
My friend nodded and stood. “I’ll give you some privacy.”
“Thanks, Harry.”
“For what?”
“For always having my back.”
He smirked. “Remember that after you answer your phone.”
I frowned, watching him disappear into his bedroom as I picked up. “Junebug.”
“Harry said you beat up some bloke that used to stalk Lily. What the hell?”
Bloody Harry. I sighed. Heavily. And rested my head against the wall, closing my eyes.
“Sebastian?”
With a grumble of weary impatience, I launched into the story without giving away too many details about Lily’s ex. That was hers to tell, not mine.
Juno’s tone was careful. “And she ended your friendship?”
A sharp, agonizing ache flared in my chest. “Yes.”
“I feel like I’m missing something.”
Bugger it. There was no point hiding anything now that everything was a giant mess. “Lily thinks I’m punishing myself for what happened to Lawrence.” Juno was one of the few people who knew about the incident.
“I don’t understand.”
“She thinks I gave up pursuing a football career and a career as an artist because I’m punishing myself for what happened to Lawrence. She thinks I think I don’t deserve real happiness and that’s why I refuse to choose the things that will make me happy, including … well, her.”
Juno was silent so long I asked, “Are you still there?”
“Yes. I’m … wow. Bloody hell, that woman is smart.
She’ll make a brilliant therapist. I didn’t even put two and two together, but it does make sense.
Any big choices you have to make, life-changing decisions, you never choose the path that will make you truly happy.
When you gave up football after Lawrence died, you wanted to study in the US.
You had grand plans to study art at Yale.
But when the acceptance letter came in, you chose Edinburgh instead.
And instead of pursuing art, you chose a civil engineering degree just because you’re good at physics and maths.
I never pushed you about it because I thought maybe you really had changed your mind. ”
“But if I hadn’t gone to Edinburgh, I wouldn’t have met Lily.”
“And it all comes back to her. So why aren’t you with her? Is she right, Bastian? Do you still blame yourself for Lawrence, and because you don’t think you deserve her, deserve happiness, you’re pushing her away?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe or yes?”
That old self-directed rage flared as I snapped, “Yes. All right. I don’t deserve her.”
“What is this nonsense about deserving someone? Lily doesn’t care if you deserve her or not.
She’s chosen you. Out of every bloke in the world, she’s chosen you, Sebastian.
You don’t get to say she doesn’t deserve you.
It’s condescending. It’s saying that you know better than one of the most emotionally intelligent women you’ve ever met. ”
My body jerked like I’d been shot by her words.
“And do you realize what you’re losing now by being so bloody stubborn? This isn’t giving up football or Yale or art. You’re giving up a person who makes you happier than I’ve ever seen you. Can you live with that? Can you live without Lily?”
Emotion thickened my throat as my fist clenched around her necklace.
“I feel like she’s died. Every inch of me hurts and I’m angry.
I’m so angry at myself. I haven’t …” I huffed, embarrassed by the coming confession.
“I haven’t even looked at another woman since I met her.
Not in any real way. The thought of being with someone else after being with her makes me physically sick, and the thought of her with someone else makes me want to eviscerate whoever he is with my bare hands. ”
“Then you have to get over this.”
“How? I wasn’t even cognizant of doing it until Lily pointed it out.”
“Maybe it’s as simple as realizing that you’ve found something you want enough to stop punishing yourself.” Juno suddenly snort-laughed. “When this family falls, we fall hard. It’s a little unnerving.”
“It’s atrocious. I hate every second of it.”
“Oh, it’s much lovelier once you’re actually in a relationship with the person you love. So, time to get over yourself, little brother. You’re going to pull up your big-boy knickers and tell her everything you just told me.”
My pulse leapt at the thought. “What if she doesn’t want me now?”
“Oh, please. Lily Sawyer is mad about you. She’s also the sweetest human I’ve ever met and considering she’s the one who perceptively worked out your issues, I think she’ll forgive you for them.
” At my hesitation, she bit out impatiently, “Go tell her or I will get on a plane to Edinburgh and come sort this mess out myself.”
“I hurt her. Badly. She might not want to talk to me. Last time I hurt her, I had to sign up to do a psych experiment just to get close enough to get her to listen.”
“Well, make sure she can’t walk away from you.
Better yet, do something big and grand like the ending of some cringeworthy romantic film.
She’ll listen then. She’ll have to. And bonus—I’ll get to dine out on the story for years.
Mock you on your wedding day, when your children are old enough to hear it, your grandchildren … ”
Heart racing as I stood, I felt the hopeless dreariness begin to fall away from me as a plan formed in my mind. “I know you’re trying to freak me out, but it isn’t working.”
“She really has broken you like a filly, hasn’t she?”
“Before you mock me any further, maybe I should talk to Leona. I have a feeling she has you wrapped around her little finger.”
“Ugh.” Juno groaned. “How did this happen to us? We were both perfectly normal a few months ago.”
“Normal, but a little lost, maybe,” I muttered truthfully.
“No, normal and in our right minds. Love makes you crazy, brother.”
“I thought you said it was lovely.”
“Oh, it is. But it also makes you crazy.”
“I already know that.” I lifted Lily’s necklace, examining it in the light. “But I’d rather be crazy than live one more day without Lily Sawyer.”
“Awww … This is me notifying you that I’m adding that line to the list of things I’m going to mock you about for the rest of your life.”