Chapter 30 #2
Shaking my head, I shove the device away again and offer my brother a guilty smile. This was not a topic I wanted to address today, but in the absence of any alternatives… “Yeah,” I admit, chuckling wryly, “I’ve been seeing someone.”
Leo’s plastic chair groans as he leans back, obviously pleased at his detective work. “Is it serious?”
Yet another fairly unprecedented line of questioning. I’ve dated in the past, of course, but I can’t recall either of my brothers asking me that. “What? Do I have a receipt for an engagement ring stuck to my shoe?” I joke and make a show of lifting each foot to check.
“No,” Leo counters calmly when I’m finished with the theatrics, “you just have a particular look about you. It’s the same one Ben had at the beginning, when he was pretending he wasn’t entirely gone for Z. Like a stray dog that’s been taken in and given treats for the first time.”
“I’ve been given plenty of treats before now, thank you very much,” I retort, even as the sentiment stirs something in my chest, because I also remember that look our brother had.
Leo merely stares at me expectantly and helps himself to another sip of tea.
Recognizing defeat, I groan. “It’s complicated.”
“Yes, it always is,” Leo agrees sagely.
“Don’t be patronizing, you little twerp. It’s very complicated. She’s…” I trail off, searching for the correct combination of adjectives to describe Blair Porter.
Funny?
Beautiful?
Clever?
Impossible?
Infuriating?
Adorable?
All are correct, and yet they fall short. I have no idea how to explain this woman who has consumed my entire life. It seems almost inconceivable that only a little over two months have passed since we met, when so much has changed in that time.
It took convincing, but last week, she finally agreed to email the director of the educational program she’s enrolled in, requesting accommodations for her dyslexia.
If they hadn’t come through, I was fully prepared to go to war on her behalf, but, thankfully, it wasn’t necessary. The school responded well, going so far as to offer individualized remote tutoring sessions to help Blair improve her literacy foundation.
She doesn’t enjoy it, of course, but I’ve seen the genuine effort she’s putting in—no nagging, threats, or coercion necessary—and I’m so fucking proud of her.
Admitting to myself that I want this woman was the equivalent of a dam breaking. What happened next was out of my control. I was swept up by the current, carried from fucking her, to wanting her, and now, falling too.
“She’s great,” I finally manage, somewhat lamely, after what must have been a full minute of silently simpering, given my current state of mind.
Fuck, what is she doing to me? I made fun of Ben for this shit.
Leo appears to be having quite a bit of difficulty holding back his shit-eating grin as he asks, “What’s her name?”
“Blair.”
“Blair?”
I gnash my teeth, bracing myself for the inevitable commentary. “Porter.”
“Porter?” my brother echoes with an incredulous laugh, his eyes bright. “Oh, shit.”
Yeah, “oh, shit” about sums it up.
“I told you it was complicated,” I retort, scowling at him.
“You were not understating it,” Leo admits, though he still appears to be finding the entire matter very amusing. “Did I see a picture of her—”
“No.” I lean forward, narrowing my eyes. “You didn’t see any pictures.”
“Of course I didn’t. My mistake.” He takes a long sip of tea, but when he lowers the mug, Leo’s smile has faded somewhat. “Does she know? About you?”
I don’t need to ask what he’s referring to.
“No,” I admit, leaning forward to pluck my mug from the floor, just for something to do with myself.
When I straighten back up, I find Leo eyeing me speculatively.
“We had a bumpy start,” I tell him, a little defensive now.
“That isn’t something you just… tell people. ”
It also isn’t something you don’t tell people, at least not people you care about. Unfortunately, I have limited experience in disclosing my personal history.
There may be people, like Blair’s father, who have their suspicions about my identity.
The only ones who know for sure, though—Leo, Ben, and Araminta—always have.
The sole exception, my now-sister-in-law, Zelda, is the only person who has been let in on the secret.
In her case, though, I’d been protected by the NDA she’d signed when dating my brother.
“Well, I’m eager to see how this all plays out,” Leo informs me with a mild smile, finishing his tea and rising from the folding chair.
I blink, watching him cross back to the table in the corner. “What, no words of wisdom?”
“Is that what you came here for? A brotherly pep talk?” he asks over his shoulder, setting down the mug.
It seems I need one, but as my eyes find the plastic sheet cutting across most of the room, worries about my relationship with Blair are momentarily eclipsed. An unpleasant weight settles in the pit of my stomach.
I clear my throat, schooling my features into something resembling a smile, rising from my chair as well. “No, I didn’t come here for a pep talk. Do you need to go?”
“Yes, actually.” He checks his watch but doesn’t elaborate.
My chest is hollow as I follow Leo through the house to the front door, waiting silently as he dons his coat and changes out his house shoes for loafers.
It’s only when we’re outside on the front stoop and Leo has locked up that my brother glances at me.
“Is this unexpected visit a sign?” he asks. “That you’ll be ready to talk soon?”
With some difficulty, I nod. “I’m working on it.”
Apparently satisfied, Leo grips my shoulder briefly, and we walk side by side down the old stone steps. “I’ll see you soon, Dam,” he calls meaningfully over his shoulder, strolling around the corner and off in the direction of the Orwick campus.
I watch him go.
Instinctively, I know that something isn’t right. But, after months lost in my depression and guilt, all but entirely removed from my brother’s life, I know I have no business interfering. Not yet. The inevitability of someday needing to tell Ben and Leo the truth has now become much more pressing.
Ben is newly married; he and Z have a baby to raise and an entire country to run. After everything I’ve done, the least I can do is monitor Leo and make sure he isn’t spiraling.
As I get back in my car, the reality of the situation settles upon me; I no longer have the luxury of being checked out.