Chapter 11
HONOR
“Hey, Honor,” Patsy greets me with a warm smile. She’s Glacier’s club brother’s ol’ lady and a new friend to me. Just as the other ol’ ladies have become. They’ve taken me under their wings and have been there for me, but I’m still not in a good place.
I don’t think I ever will be.
“Morning,” I mumble, giving her a small smile in return as I make my way to the coffee pot, needing the caffeine just as I need it every morning.
In the months since coming here, I’ve rarely slept, but it’s not because I couldn’t, instead, it’s the nightmares that haunt me.
“Are you going to see Dr. Williams today?” Roane asks, handing me a clean mug.
“Yes, it’s this afternoon,” I answer, filling the mug with the dark brew.
“That’s good.” This comes from Patsy. “Is Delaney taking you?”
Nodding, I take a sip of my coffee. Of course, she is.
She and Glacier both. I love them but they won’t leave me alone.
I’m never alone unless it’s time to go to bed.
Even then, I know they come into my room to check on me.
They want to make sure I’m not going to do anything else like I already tried to do.
A month ago, I tried to take my life . .
. to end the pain constantly consuming me.
Before that, I’d attempted to drown out everything with alcohol.
It wasn’t easy with so many eyes on me, so I took a bunch of pain pills, overdosing.
If not for Patsy and Roane seeing the signs like they did, I wouldn’t be here anymore.
After the pills, I started going to counseling, or that’s what I told them.
Instead, I’d go out, find a place secluded, and sit there reliving what happened to me.
When I couldn’t take it anymore . . . that’s when I slit my wrists.
If not for Delaney’s room being connected to mine and her coming to talk to me only to find me in the bathroom tub, I’d be gone, but she did find me. I hazily remember Glacier scooping me up and the two of them rushing me to the hospital. Other members of the club joined them.
That day, Glacier was going to tell Gunner, and I freaked the hell out.
I didn’t want him or anyone else to know.
It was my shame to carry, and I wasn’t going to let anyone else know how far I’d sunk.
Delaney thankfully talked Glacier around with the promise I would get help from Dr. Williams and that they would take me.
I agreed because, at the time, I didn’t trust myself.
I still don’t trust myself. Though I’m going to the doctor.
I’m talking to her, and she’s been helping.
I’ve talked to her about my brother, about Savage, about growing up in foster care.
How all of this made me feel. I’ve talked a bit about that day.
It’s hard to talk about what I went through, what those men did to me.
How because of my brother and his club, they did what they did.
I want to blame them, but realistically I know they aren’t at fault.
They didn’t do this to me. I saw the way both Gunner and Savage looked in the hospital.
I get my brother’s reaction, but not Savage’s.
I still don’t, though I’ve thought a lot about him.
“They’re both taking me and then I think we’re going out for food.” I believe that’s what Delaney said.
“Good, maybe you and Delaney can do a little shopping, spend some time outside the clubhouse,” Patsy suggests.
“Maybe.”
It’s a good idea, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
“Honor, we’re not trying to push, but to get through it, you have to start somewhere, and I’m not just talking about going to see Dr. Williams. You have to start living again too,” Roane explains, eyes filled with concern.
I get what she’s saying, and I want to do that, but I don’t know how. Not without looking over my shoulder or feeling like someone is going to get me. So, I’m not sure if going out is something I can do. But we’ll see.
I give them both another small smile and nod before leaving them to it and head back to the room they all set me up in. I barely step into the room when Delaney comes in right behind me.
“Hey,” I murmur.
“Hey,” she says in return and bites her lip. “So, your appointment was switched to tomorrow.”
“Why?” Frowning, I stare at her closely.
“I don’t know. Glacier just told me, but I figured we could still go out. Maybe go get our hair done?”
“I’m not sure,” I murmur, casting my gaze to the ground. I haven’t had my hair done in a while, and I know it looks like a hot mess, but . . .
“How about we just try?” she suggests softly, coming up next to me with her arm around my shoulders. “We can go, and if you’re not comfortable, then we’ll come back here.”
“Okay.” I nod, sucking in a heavy breath.
I’m not sure I can do this, but I’ll try.
Delaney’s my best friend and I know she’s been there for me every step of the way.
Sure, she’s gotten with Glacier, I haven’t paid attention as I once would have, but I know she really likes him.
Maybe if anything, I can make this outing about her instead of the focus being about me.
I could do that. I’m sure of it. It gets the attention turned from me at the same time gets my mind off everything.
Also, it might just get them to back off just a bit more. “We could do that.”
“Great.”
Not wasting time, Delaney propels me back out of my room, down the hall to where my cousin is already waiting for us.
Why does it feel like the two of them are definitely up to something. Regardless, I’ve agreed to go out.
I hand my coffee mug to a smiling Patsy as I pass her and pull the sleeves down on my shirt.
It’s warm out still but since the day I tried to kill myself I’ve been wearing long sleeve shirts to cover my arms. This past week, I’ve been able to go without the bandages, so I’ve seen the damage I’ve done to myself.
Patsy and the others had gone shopping for me and bought me several lightweight ones so I wouldn’t get too hot.
I thought this was thoughtful of them, and I really did appreciate it.
The women here, they understand me and have helped me in a lot of ways.
But something still feels missing, and I have a feeling I know what that is and I’m not sure if I’m ready for any of it.