Revenge (Love in London #3)

Six

Ava

The most recent burner phone I had been using was in the zip pocket of my pink bag, just like Kai said it would be. I must admit, I had doubted him at dinner having been duped by him so many times before.

Whatever shmuck packed for me did so in a hurry and had no concept of the word essentials. My makeup bag was in there, which was pointless, considering I hardly ever wore any. There were hair straighteners, a brush, two pairs of jeans and some Yoga pants which had seen better days. Some toiletries had been included but they were Anton’s. Lincs Africa was unrefutably a man’s smell.

Thankfully, I found Anton’s large college tee right at the bottom. I wore it to sleep in, so I’d give whoever filled my bag one point for that.

There was no underwear, socks, or toothbrush. It was just a mish-mash, meaning I would have to wear the clothes Kai had provided. The thought of accepting clothes that he’d bought with blood money made my insides clench.

Every time I attempted to distance myself from the clutches of the criminal underworld, it dragged me back in.

My handbag was beside the holdall, and I dragged it towards me. My purse was in there, along with my bank card, two credit cards, and a small amount of cash. In one of the pockets, I kept an emergency handkerchief. It was always folded neatly as I hardly ever had to use it. I kept it there in case I had a nosebleed. I got them occasionally when stressed and the burgundy silk hid the colour. My phobia of blood had only gotten worse over the last few years.

I smiled as I ran my fingers over the silk lettering, fondly remembering the boy who had given it to me. He had protected me from bullies who had been pushing me around at a party. With a small smile, I refolded it and popped it back in its rightful position. That boy had been my friend. I remember when he’d introduced himself to my mother, he’d said he was a nobody. But he had been somebody to me.

Pushing those warm memories aside, I could tell someone had gone through my handbag because everything was misplaced. I already knew Kai had my passport.

As I sat there, clutching my bag, a thought occurred to me and I tugged it open again and slid the zip of the small secret pocket open. Sticking my fingers inside, I lifted the gold necklace and inspected it. It was a present from Kai for my sixteenth birthday. I remember how happy I had felt as he had placed it around my neck, only to feel like total crap only hours later.

Pushing the necklace back into its safe place, I stood. If Kai saw that I had kept it, he may think it meant something to me; and of course it did, but I would die before letting him know that. Seeing the chain and knowing that I was wearing it when I shot him, left a lump in my throat.

After removing the jeans and top I’d worn to dinner, I left on the mafia-tainted underwear and pulled Anton’s T-shirt into my face, inhaling deeply. It smelled like him, so fresh and soapy and my heart squeezed. Anton was my only true friend; almost like the brother I never had. I stole a moment to absorb his scent, God I hoped he was OK.

Tugging Anton’s top over my head, I pulled the hem over my bottom and climbed onto the bed. After a brief, wary glance around the room; I checked for any sign of a camera. Would Kai be so sick as to put surveillance in the room where I would sleep and get unchanged? Probably. Although it would have been done to keep tabs on my movements and not with any lustful intentions. Kai was way too much of a control freak to allow his libido to dictate what he did.

After convincing myself I wasn’t being watched, I swiped the phone’s screen and held it up to allow the face recognition to kick in.

I only had one text message from Anton which was strange. He would have arrived at the apartment to find I wasn’t there. I was due to make us dinner. Would he not have seen the abandoned groceries by the door? Maybe Kai instructed his goons to sweep the area of fingerprints and signs of unrest. The mafia were very good at making it appear like they had never been there.

Anton’s text was brief, I’m on my way back. Be there in 10 mins xxx . We always added exactly three kisses to any messages we sent so that we knew the texts were genuine. Not the hardest code to crack but it had worked so far.

As I shuffled up the bed and crossed my legs, I wondered whether to reply; the fact that he hadn’t sent anything after that one message worried me.

Should I call the number or rip out the sim and destroy it?

Fuck it, I swiped the screen and called Anton.

Closing my eyes, I waited for the line to connect. It did so quickly and then started to ring. The dial tone sounded exactly like it usually did. After a few more rings it went to a standard voicemail. I wished Anton had left a personal recording so I could, at least, hear his voice.

Damn! My insides started to churn and I felt sick. I had no other phone and no way to buy one.

After several minutes of debating what was best, I pushed the phone onto the bedside table beside the glass of water I’d had earlier.

I would have to wait it out.

I was tired and my head wasn’t clear. I wouldn’t usually go to bed so early but the drug had wiped me out.

I thought back to my conversation with Kai. His level of calm surprised me, I had imagined him wringing my neck when he got his hands on me.

Maybe there was a way out of this if I played his game. It wasn’t like I wanted anything to do with his organisation and I wouldn’t tell the authorities shit. Yes, I hated the mafia but the only reason I had outed Gerard was to get him away from my mother.

I wondered how Kai had turned his father’s business around. He was always so clear about his intentions to set up legitimate companies. But then I’d sent his father down and he had stepped into Gerard’s questionable shoes. I imagine his dreams of becoming legitimate were ripped away at that point.

And it was all my fault.

Drat. I felt thoroughly confused. I so wanted to keep hating Kai but seeing him again and my body’s reaction to that had knocked me off kilter. He didn’t appear to be the beast I had believed he’d become. He had looked after my mother when she needed help.

Maybe he was playing nice until he got what he wanted from us. And by us, I meant Suki and me, I would not allow Anton to be dragged into anything.

Dear Anton. He had been my rock and I couldn’t fail him now.

We had me at The Kings School in Brighton, the boarding school my mother and Gerard had ferried me off to when I turned fourteen and we’d just clicked.

It turned out that the school was a popular choice for the spawn of the underbelly of London, as several kids from rival gangs also went there.

They knew who I was and had attempted to make my life hell. Strange considering there was a peace agreement between the Kinlan family and the other Gangs of London.

On one weekend home, I’d tried to tell Gerard but he’d waved me off and Kai had told me to get a backbone, no longer the protective older brother figure.

I thought back to how very different things had been between Kai and me at first.

I met Kai when I was thirteen years old and felt an immediate connection. He was so welcoming towards both me and my mother.

The Kinlan Estate in Twickenham was the first place I had ever lived that, at first, felt like home. My mother had been so happy and, for the first year, Gerard seemed OK. I had thought him way too old for my mother, but he doted on her and made her smile. At that time, Kai had an apartment in the city centre but he still came back to the Twickenham mansion at the weekends.

I was homeschooled during that first year and when Kai came to stay, he’d help me with my homework. He’d also drop me off at my friend's houses and pick me up (I use the term friends loosely). We watched movies and TV shows together, swam in the pool and even went to the races to see the horses.

Those days had been precious. My mother had Gerard and I had Kai.

And then, just after my fourteenth birthday, Gerard and my mother announced they were getting married and almost overnight, everything changed.

Kai was no longer warm and accommodating; he made me feel like I was an annoyance.

My stepbrother froze me out. He hardly said two words to me during my mother’s wedding to Gerard and I didn’t understand what I had done.

Kai then started to boss me around and criticised everything I did and of course, I reacted to that treatment.

At one point we got into a huge argument across the dinner table, much to Suki’s despair. And the next day, Gerard told me I was being sent away to boarding school.

It was like another kick in the teeth.

For most of my life, I had been passed around like an unwanted parcel, dragged relentlessly into different families, attempting to make connections so I belonged somewhere. I had spent a huge portion of my life with a hollow pain inside my stomach; one that no number of stepfathers could fill.

Abandonment issues, my family GP had suggested, due to my father leaving us when I was so young.

All my life I had craved to be part of a normal existence and to fit into whatever that normal looked like.

And for that first year in the cocoon of the Kinlan family, I had been given a taste of it. It was Kai who had put a spanner in the works due to his change in attitude and I blamed him for my being sent away. Hence the reason I rebelled.

Anton made it more bearably at school in Brighton but I was deemed as a mafia princess; stuck up, believing I was better than everyone else, when that just wasn’t the case.

Of course, even in the beginning when things were good, my life couldn’t have been labelled as normal. My obliviousness of what my stepfather did for a living was a pretence. I looked the other way like any other female in the mob, but I wasn’t stupid, I knew his business was dripping with illegal activity.

I had always craved a normal life. Away from stifling mafia families and their archaic attitudes towards women.

At least being away at school had given me a semblance of space from that.

As I got to know Anton better, he confessed that he’d purposefully befriended me to try and get information about my stepfather. It turned out that Anton’s mother had been in a relationship with Gerard Kinlan years ago and things had ended badly; so much so that Anton’s mom tried to take her own life. He explained that as he got to know me, he realised I was nothing like he expected and wanted to come clean. I was happy he did as it made us closer.

When I went home at Christmas, my mother was an entirely different person. She’d had her breasts enlarged and was a shell of the woman she had been. Gerard had also changed. He became way too familiar with me and said inappropriate things. I wasn’t stupid, I knew it was wrong, but I brushed it off. It made me feel uncomfortable and dirty and I started to hide away in my room.

On New Year's Eve, the Kinlan’s threw a huge party and invited some big hitters from the criminal world. I had purposefully avoided Kai for most of that night, he had been with his friends and hardly gave me a second look. Suki had one of her headaches and spent most of the night in her room.

During the early hours, I had nipped downstairs to get a drink of water wearing my shortie PJs thinking everyone had gone home. It had been quiet downstairs but Gerard and a few of his colleagues were in his study. As I passed the door, he called me in.

I remember feeling so uncomfortable in my night clothes in a room full of old men. Gerard had patted his knee, introducing me as his pretty stepdaughter.

Pushing off the bed, I walked towards the window and looked down into the gardens. The leering looks from the sweaty fat fucks that were in that study swam around my head, as did the smell of stale cigars and alcohol. I was now almost twenty but I remembered that moment like it was yesterday.

Gerard had pulled me onto his lap and the men in there had laughed and jeered and I had been terrified . Smiling and playing along with it, I will never forget how Gerard had groped me in front of those people and how they had done nothing.

He had pushed his hand up my top and grabbed one of my breasts.

“You’ve got to appreciate a real pair of tits,” my stepfather had said, his cheeks beet red. I couldn’t believe my mother could ever bring herself to kiss those sluglike lips. “You’re filling out nicely Ava.”

A balding man who sat across from Gerard’s chair started to stroke himself through his trousers. I remember glancing down and seeing the bulge there. I was amazed how I managed to keep still and allow it to happen but what else could I do? The man had leaned over and run his hand up my bare leg, the same hand that had been squeezing his erection, “I bet she has a sweet virgin, cunt,” he said, spit running down his chin.

I had been fifteen.

With a cry, I had managed to shift to the side, the movement pushing my bottom cheeks into Gerard’s crotch which thankfully was soft. But I will never forget how it felt to be forced to sit there as my stepfather fondled me, squeezing my nipple beneath my pyjama top.

Dirty and ashamed and so very much alone.

Once Gerard let me go, I fled his office and ran up the stairs to my room slamming into Kai’s chest.

He’d caught my arms, holding me gently as he stared into my face in shock.

Tell him! Tell him what his father did! My inner self had said, but I couldn’t do it. I had trusted him once and he’d let me down. I was too scared, terrified he’d call me a liar.

“Ava, what’s wrong? Are you OK?” Kai had questioned with an expression of concern. That look had cut into me and I’d thrown my hands around his neck and clung to him.

I remember his strong arms coming around me, holding me tight like we were the only two people on the planet until sense kicked in.

He’s Gerard’s son and he hates you. Do you really think he will take your side?

I’d yanked out of his arms and fled to my room and he hadn’t followed me.

If he’d cared about you, he would have come after you, broke down the door like heroes did in the movies.

After that, I’d only returned to London when I had no other option. Those times that I did, when he saw me alone, Gerard would put his arm around me or touch me somewhere he shouldn’t. One time I caught him watching me whilst I was swimming.

My mother wasn’t herself and we drifted apart. Kai was hardly ever there as he was running his casino by then. I realised that I missed seeing him, the time apart had gradually erased his ill-treatment of me.

And then came the memory of that night.

I was a summer baby and was due to turn sixteen during the holidays. I had been back from school but felt more relaxed than usual as Gerard was in Ireland.

Kai was still bossy and stand-off-ish with me, but he was more human without his old man there. We had a handful of semi-normal conversations and I felt that old spark return. He didn’t ask me what happened the night of New Year’s Eve and I didn’t bring it up either.

My mother said she was throwing a huge party for my birthday and in Gerard’s absence, invited loads of guests. He allowed it but Kai was given the job of vetting the guest list. I hated that I couldn’t invite Anton. People outside our organisation were not allowed on the Estate for security reasons.

As I continued to stare outside, I saw a glimpse of someone in the garden. It was Kai. He was wearing jogging bottoms and a tank top and was sweating. The wet patch around his neck and arms suggested he’d been running. He looked so good casually dressed.

I watched as he glanced up at my window, my mouth parting as I stepped back, not wanting him to see me.

It wasn’t a surprise that my body reacted to him so viscerally, he was an attractive man, full of confidence and strength, and most women would be drawn to that. But I couldn’t let my guard down, I had gotten things so wrong before.

And it had made me so weak. I would not allow myself to go there again. Giving up even a smidge of control would only allow Kai to bulldoze his way into my life again.

As I wrapped my arms around my body, I inhaled Anton’s scent again. It made me feel safe.

It was hard to believe that Kai had also made me feel that way… once.

The Past

I was drunk and jealous; the weight of both almost suffocating me. Those old feelings I’d harboured about my stepbrother were back.

I could count on one hand the number of times I had seen Kai with a woman; romantically. If you could call the way they were pawing each other that. The painful fact that he had brought a woman to my birthday party was like a kick in the teeth. And to think I had dressed up purposefully, praying that he would see me as something other than an annoying teenager.

I watched slyly from a distance, giving them both the deadeye as his date ran one hand up and down his chest. Kai leaned in and nuzzled her neck. He was nuzzling! At my fucking party. Right in front of me!

His friend was blonde, naturally, I would guess; tall and slim and pretty, in a Disney princess type of way. Her hair was cropped into a pixie cut which suggested she’d be fun and quirky and I hated that. My teeth clenched as I watched her whispering in his ear and the smile her words evoked. Fuck he had a nice smile, especially when it wasn’t of the smug variety; Kai’s signature look.

Scanning the house and gardens, I wondered which family she belonged to, I had never seen her before and bringing anyone to the estate who wasn’t involved in Gerard’s circle of organised crime was forbidden.

I had been standing by the bar set up on the patio, drinking with my friends; if you could call them that. They were the kids of other members of my stepfather’s organisation and so we all had to suck it up and pretend to like each other. I was semi-listening to Kathy Blake and her story about how she broke her finger. It was a droll tale; I’d switched off when she started to name all the bones in the human hand. Thomas Blake, her brother had also given up and had spent the last five minutes trying to see down my dress. Shelly Farmer, my stepfather’s physician's daughter hung on every word like the suck-up she was.

Smiling and nodding, a trait I had become very good at after being absorbed into the Kinlan family, I glanced around. My party included around sixty guests, so it wasn’t a huge affair but Suki had gone to town on the decorations. She was also more like herself, Gerard being away on business.

A huge marquee with seating, a dance floor and a bar had been set up in the gardens of the estate and it was decorated with an assortment of balloons and flower arrangements. It was my sweet sixteenth so I was grateful my mother had done such a super job. It felt nice to have the attention again after being sent away to school; one where I was stuck until I turned eighteen. Well, if my plans with Anton to take Gerard down didn’t go to plan.

Music poured out from where the DJ had set up his equipment in the marquee and I wondered when people would start dancing. I loved to dance, but I wouldn’t be the first on the floor.

Kai’s bit, as I decided to name her was dressed in a black dress that looked at least three sizes too small. But she still looked good, unfortunately. She was probably nice and I had no reason to be a bitch, but she was still wrapped around the source of all my sexual torment.

The dress I had chosen also left little to the imagination. It was a black lace number with a flesh-coloured under slip, almost suggesting I was naked beneath the material, which wasn’t far off the mark. I wore no bra, just a tiny black silk thong and high sandals. The reason I had worn it was to send a message; I wasn’t a little girl anymore, I was a woman; with a woman’s body, heart, mind and most importantly needs.

It was my sixteenth birthday party, and I wanted it to be so much more than just sweet.

When Kathy moved onto other parts of the human body, I tucked my arm through Thomas’s and dragged him down the stone steps onto the grass and through the entrance into the marquee. It wasn’t cool, being the first on the dance floor but I was past caring. I had politely made our excuses and left poor brown-noser Shelly to suffer the rest of Kathy’s story.

Once we got to the dancefloor, a slow number was playing and I placed my arms around Thomas’s neck as we swayed to the sound. He wasn’t tall for a boy and my heels put us on a similar level. I liked the feel of his hand on my hips.

“You smell amazing,” Thomas complimented me.

“Thank you,” I replied. “I love this song.”

Thomas smiled and pulled me against him.

As we danced, I could see my mother with two of my stepfather's associates and she was enjoying the attention; her eyes sparkled as she giggled between sips of champagne. If Gerard had been there, he would have shut that down immediately. He was like a possessive maniac around my mother.

Turning away, I pushed away the concern I felt. I just hoped she didn’t overdo it. Shit like that always got back to the big boss man and then he’d be cross. A mad Gerard was worse than the octopus version. I thought about the last time he had cornered me in the pool house. I’d been getting changed and he’d ordered me to leave my bikini top off, saying how I needed some colour to my skin.

“You need to get some sun on your tits, Ava; so, they match the rest of your body. No boys will want to suck a pair of white pointers with no fucking colour.” Luckily, the man we hired to clean the pool had been there and interrupted us. I’d always wore a one-piece after that.

Shaking off those ugly thoughts, I closed my eyes and placed my head against Thomas’s chest, imagining he was Kai.

Eventually, other couples started to join us and the DJ played another slow song. Thomas and I spoke briefly about school and how he was starting an apprenticeship with his father’s company. I didn’t ask for details but I attempted to look interested. Women in the organisation were not encouraged to be too inquisitive.

As I was wrapped up in the music and half suffocated by the aftershave Thomas had bathed in, a low significant cough broke us apart.

“Do you mind if I cut in,” Kai said, his deep voice rolling nicely across my bones. My dance partner's arms dropped to his sides and I could see that Thomas knew exactly who Kai was. “I need to dance with my stepsister on her birthday?” he added. I hated that the word ‘sister’ was in there. We all knew I was anything but.

“Yeah, sure,” Thomas nodded and took the blonde woman’s offered hand. From her expression, she didn’t seem bothered that Kai was ditching her. She was looking at Thomas like he was her next meal. Maybe she was one of those cougars that Anton spoke about.

My brows pinched as I stepped back and looked at my stepbrother’s perfect face. The party lights bounced shadows across his skin, making him appear almost Godlike. His presence was impossible to ignore and I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. The force of my crush on him rose above the alcohol I had consumed and I felt a twinge of awkwardness. He was so much more sophisticated than me, even when I was fully made up and wearing the sexiest dress I owned.

Those dark, penetrating eyes, washed over me. I could see he appreciated what he saw, “Shall we?” he said, taking my hand and tugging me into his arms. His sudden movement forced a squeak from my lips and his expression switched to dark amusement. As I fell against his masculine warmth, I was sure I’d seen a hint of possessiveness in that look. My pulse took off as his arms closed around me. This was the closest I had been to his body in months. Kai’s scent teased my nostrils as my torso was melded flush against his.

“You don’t have to look so surprised,” Kai whispered against the cuff of my ear, his strong chest pushing against my breasts. He must have felt how hard my nipples were against his frame.

I drew my head back, allowing him to guide us around the small space. One that was now littered with other couples. How I wished it was just me and him. I knew the alcohol I had consumed was giving me more courage than usual but his closeness made me feel extra flirty.

“I’m just surprised your date didn’t mind being cast aside,” I said.

“Hardly. It’s one dance, Ava and she understands. It’s your birthday, I’m supposed to dance with you at least once,” Kai explained, drawing back, his hands dropping from my back to my waist. I kept mine loosely on his biceps, loving the feel of his muscles beneath his tux.

His words would usually have wound me up but I was suddenly in too good a mood. “So, this is a pity dance?” I replied, watching him from beneath my lashes with a slight smile. “Or should I say, a dance of duty? Is that the excuse you gave your date?”

His lip curled in amusement, “She’s not my date.”

“Have you told her that?”

“What do you mean?” Kai’s eyes sparkled with mischief. He was toying with me on purpose.

“Well, she can’t seem to take her hands off you,” I pointed out, managing to sift out my narkiness.

He shrugged his massive shoulders, “What can I say, I’m irresistible,” Kai batted back with a cheeky wink. OMG, I think one of my ovaries burst at his wicked expression. He was flirting back!

“Who is she then?” I questioned, gently pushing my breasts further into his chest, I needed to be subtle about it but the friction there was generating a fiery heat between my thighs.

I heard his intake of breath and knew I’d scored a point.

“She’s the woman I’m currently sleeping with.”

And BOOM! It felt like he’d thrown a bucket of ice-cold water over me. I went to pull away but his hands tightened on my hips.

“Stay. You don’t need to strop off because I told you something you didn’t want to hear,” Kai said directly into my ear. He was now holding me quite tight and I had no choice but to follow the rhythm he set.

I didn’t struggle as that would cause a scene and I knew I wasn’t going anywhere until he let me, “I’m just surprised by your honesty when you’re usually so full of shit,” I huffed, continuing with the dance.

Kai’s grin was sexy in the extreme and I wondered if he knew the effect he had on me. Of course, he did. That’s why he’d shamelessly told me he was fucking that girl; to piss me off so he could continue to keep me at arms-length. To hide from the chemistry, that sexual pull between us.

On this occasion, I wasn’t going to let him win. I purposefully pushed up on my toes, my heels giving me extra height and slid my hands around his neck. This brought the bottom of my body flush against his.

“Stop doing that,” Kai said with a swallow. I liked the way his Adam’s apple bobbed.

“Why? Don’t you like my dress?” I questioned with a coy look and his eyes darkened.

“What little there is of it,” he returned, his hands sliding gently back and forth close to my hip bones. I so wished he’d place his palms over my arse cheeks and tug my pelvis further into his. We would fit so fucking perfectly like that.

“See, you can’t even do that right,” I pouted, loving how hard his chest was against my lace-encased body.

Kai frowned but I could see the devil dancing in his eyes, “What? I said I liked your dress.”

Cocking him an eyebrow I added, “Yes, whilst suggesting I look like a slut.”

“You look stunning, Ava. You know you do. I just don’t think you need to show as much skin; less is more.” Less is more my arse!

I raised my fingers and played with the strands of his dark hair. The length was slightly longer than he usually wore it. Kai’s eyes closed briefly and I saw him draw in a laboured breath. He was enjoying my touch and trying to hide it. I was getting to him, at last.

“Bullshit. You don’t seem to mind that your date is dressed like a street walker,” I pointed out in a soft purr. Before he could correct me, I added with a grin, “Apologies, your fuck-buddy.”

He barked out a laugh.

“I’m surprised you know the term,” Kai volleyed with an arched brow, moving his head which made me drop my hand to his shoulder.

I ran the other hand down his chest, gazing up at him with my best puppy dogs, “Of course I do, I’m not some clueless little girl.” What was I doing, I didn’t even recognise that version of myself but he wasn’t pushing me away.

He also didn’t contradict me, “I prefer the term, friends with benefits,” he chuckled.

I rolled my eyes, “I’ll just bet you do,” before glancing at Thomas and the tart. Kai’s eyes flickered to where I was watching.

“Are you jealous?”

My heart skipped a beat but I managed to answer in a sultry voice, “Of her, not a chance. Her dress doesn’t even fit her.”

Kai’s mouth tugged at the corners, “I meant that she’s dancing with a boy you like.”

I narrowed my eyes, “Thomas? I don’t like him, not in that way. He’s too young. I like older men,” I confessed with a bright smile.

“You should start with someone closer to your own age,” my stepbrother unhelpfully suggested. His words immediately got my back up. There he was again, making me feel like a kid.

“Excuse me; start? You talk to me like I’m a virgin.”

A muscle flexed in his jaw, he didn’t like that, “Because that’s what you are Ava.”

“How would you know? Maybe I’ve fucked every boy in my class?”

I saw a flicker of annoyance cross his features as he said, “Don’t let my Da hear you say that.”

“I don’t care, Kai. He’s not my father, he’s yours. I can date and sleep with whomever I please. I may even have my eye on someone tonight,” I stated, feeling moody. The conversation was now starting to kill my buzz.

“I see,” Kai replied taking the pussies way out. He must have known he was the one I was talking about. My body was pressed so tightly against his and I could feel something hard pressing into my hip. Was that what I thought it was? Oh my, I needed to get my head out of the gutter.

There was a beat of silence before Kai leaned into me, his face lowered to the side of mine.

“I told myself I wouldn’t be a dick to you tonight. It’s your sixteenth birthday, so why don’t we call a truce? Put the war on hold?” He inhaled deeply before pulling back a touch.

Was I mistaken or did he smell my hair? The thought sent a jolt of excitement through me.

My eyes scanned his face, “You were the one who declared that war. I was perfectly happy with the old Kai,” I explained, placing my head against his chest, the alcohol fizzing through my system.

“The old Kai? What was he like?”

“Nice to me,” I told him in a sad little voice.

“Well, I promise to be extra nice tonight. How about I give you your gift now?” His words lifted my spirits.

Kai slid his hands from my hips, skimming across my bottom before falling away. Did he do that by accident or on purpose? Heat flared through me at his actions. As he stepped back and I glanced around, I noticed he’d danced us into the shadows, away from the others.

I held my breath as I watched him dip his hand into his jacket and pull out a small velvet box.

I can honestly say a thrill of pleasure ran through me. Was that what I thought it was? When he opened it, I realised I’d drank way too much booze.

Kai pulled out a solid gold necklace and even though it wasn’t a diamond ring, it was stunning and just what I had always wanted. It was a slim tasteful chain with my name on it. It was like the one Carrie wore on Sex and the City; a TV show I liked to watch. During those friendlier days, Kai had watched it with me and had taken the piss out of it, calling it typical Hollywood shite.

He must have remembered I’d said I liked it. So, Kai did still care about me, he had to? Or why would he have been so incredibly thoughtful?

And at that moment, I knew exactly what I wanted for my birthday.

Time seemed to stand still and I glanced up nervously into Kai’s face, he was watching me with a hooded expression. As he lowered his head, my lips parted—was he going to kiss me?

“Happy birthday, princess.” And he did kiss me…

On the fucking forehead!

The Present

Even after that, I’d convinced myself he wanted me. And yet it had all been in my head; that fucking encounter with Kai where I thought he felt something more for me was horseshit. It had come straight out of one too many Bacardi and cokes and I hated myself for thinking there was anything in it.

And that hardness I’d felt had been his fucking gun . He’d secured his weapon at his hip as the usual shoulder holster didn’t allow his tux to lay flat. I had gotten it wrong. So, fucking wrong, it’s untrue. I would never allow myself to be that idiot girl again.

I had felt like such a delusional moron.

And then I had gone on to make an even bigger fool of myself later that night when I’d waited in his bed completely fucking naked!

He had been so angry. Kai yelled at me and told me to get dressed. I remember him saying how his father had told him I’d been toying with male staff members. Walking around scantily dressed and behaving like a tease.

My mouth had literally dropped open in shock. Kai said that if I acted like a slut, people would treat me like one. I screamed at him and told him it was all lies. Then I had told him what Gerard had done that night of New Year’s Eve and why I had been so upset when I’d run into him. Kai said he didn’t know what I was talking about and that he didn’t remember seeing me that night.

It was during that horrible argument that I wondered if he knew what his father was doing and condoned it.

Kai had well and truly burst my bubble. I’d left his room wrapped in a sheet, shame burning through me.

I had then bumped into my mother and Gerard on the landing, he had arrived back from Ireland around the time the party ended. I remember he’d had hold of her arm and was dragging her towards their bedroom. He must have been told about my mother’s flirty behaviour and they were fighting about it. I remember I had been upset by her tear-stained face, but it was nothing I hadn’t seen before.

As I thought back to the morning after during breakfast, something had been off. Suki was quiet and not herself, but I just put that down to the medication at the time.

It was only now when I thought about it, through that drunken haze that I believe Suki could have suffered at Gerard’s hands that night and yet I had done nothing about it.

If anything, I was worse than Kai.

We had never spoken about it and I knew that now I was back. I needed to bring it up. Whatever had gone on between my mother and Gerard that night, altered the course of their relationship and it had never been the same again.

And now the fucker was dead and I may never know, would never get my revenge for what he had put me through as a teenager.

Closure would never come if you didn’t battle your demons. But how could I do that and move on when Gerard didn’t exist anymore?

The thought of punishing his son instead, had suddenly lost its appeal.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I realised, I no longer had the pallet for it.

I just wanted out; for both my mother and me and my friend.

And on that note; where the fuck was Anton?