Chapter 6
STRINGS
PATIENCE
I’ve spent the past twenty years in Bristal. Born and raised in a town known simply for the fraternity that runs the country. A fraternity men bleed for—die for. Sell their souls for.
After spending my life bowing down at the feet of Sigma House, I sometimes forget there are places where they aren’t the center of the universe. There are people who make their own decisions. Who aren’t born simply to play a part in a political chess game.
It might be ridiculous that I’m standing at peace in the center of a grocery store, but it’s a freedom I’m not used to.
No one looking or judging me for my family name or the Lancaster reputation.
No one whispering about what happened to my brother.
In the heart of LA, I’m no one, and Sigma Sin means nothing.
The breath that fills my lungs floods my entire chest.
Freedom.
If even for just a couple of months.
I take my time scanning the different brands of cereal. Some are familiar from back home, but others I’ve never heard of. People buzz all around me.
The energy is different in LA. A city of angels when I come from a town of devils. I didn’t realize until I stepped off the plane just how different it would feel.
Until someone knocks me in the shoulder and my entire body stiffens.
Some reactions are conditioned, and I fear there’s no erasing that one.
My fingers clench, and for a heartbeat, everything stops.
The peace washing through me moments ago bleeds with panic.
I doubt every decision, including the one where I told Kole he didn’t need to order food delivery because I’m more than capable of getting my own groceries.
It would have been a waste of money, considering what little I have to spend this summer is my stashed accumulation of birthday and graduation gifts.
But for a split second, I’d spend every cent to not be standing here surrounded by people.
Until I breathe again and it all fades.
Sounds flood my ears, and my vision clears. A woman offers an apologetic smile for pushing past, and I’m simply standing in a grocery store, overreacting to something as simple as a crowded aisle.
I take a deep breath and relax my fingers. They ache from how tightly I was gripping my purse strap.
I’ll be okay. Nothing has broken me yet.
Nothing will.
Those words churn on repeat until my heart stops racing and I can once again focus on picking out cereal. I’m in LA, not Bristal. I need to pull myself together.
I glance at the end of the aisle, where Kole has his arm wrapped around Violet’s shoulders.
They’ve been picking out granola bars for the last five minutes.
And from the smile on her face, I have a feeling they aren’t talking about breakfast foods.
I would have been better off coming here alone, given how much help they’ve been.
Grabbing the list and the cart, I leave them behind to work on gathering what we need.
Violet might plan on wasting an entire day grocery shopping, but I have schoolwork to do.
I want to review my notes before we’re back in session tomorrow, and I need to double-check something I read at the library.
By the time I’ve loaded the cart with everything on the list, Kole and Violet meet me at the checkout with a box of granola bars and coffee creamer. Clearly, I’m going to be the reason we don’t all starve this summer if that’s the most they could come up with.
“Thanks for grabbing everything on the list.” Violet eyes the cart.
“No problem.” I start loading the items onto the belt. “I could see you were distracted.”
She frowns.
I didn’t mean for it to come out as an insult. Especially when it was cathartic moving around the grocery store on my own. But the bite in my tone is as much a habit as throwing up my defenses. It’s no wonder I don’t have many friends.
Glancing at Violet, I consider explaining myself, but she’s already turned to face Kole again. Moving on because this is what she expects from me.
After the cashier rings up the food, we reload the cart and head into the busy parking lot. Cars speed around the corners, whipping in and out of spaces. LA traffic is an adjustment when Bristal roads are almost always empty.
Kole loads the groceries into the back of the car, eyeing me when I grab a bag and start to help. He pauses like he’s considering asking me to join Violet in the car since he doesn’t want to be around me any more than I want to be around him, but he doesn’t say anything when I grab the next bag.
“So…” I scramble for anything to cut through the silence as we load groceries. “Violet said you went to Professor Gray’s lecture at Briar a couple of years ago.”
Nothing is as forced as trying to play nice with Kole Christiansen, but I promised Mila I would try for Violet’s sake this summer, so that’s what I’ll do.
Kole hums in response.
“I didn’t realize that’s who I was sitting next to on the plane,” I clarify. “Kind of a strange coincidence.”
“Professor Gray doesn’t come to Bristal much anymore.”
My face pinches at his statement. “But he did? Are you saying you’ve seen him more than once?”
Kole slams the trunk shut, avoiding my gaze. “He’s a professor. It’s a college.”
That isn’t really an answer, but something about how quickly Kole shut me down makes me drop it.
“I’ll take that.” I grab the cart when Kole starts to wheel it away. “The cart return is just a few spaces over. I’m sure you want to start the car so Violet doesn’t get too hot in there.”
At the mention of Violet possibly overheating, he lets go of the cart, and I can’t help rolling my eyes at the back of his head. The two of them are ridiculous. He acts like any little thing might break her.
Turning with the cart, I’m thankful for the breeze cutting through the hot summer day as I walk it across the parking lot. Wearing long sleeves in LA in the middle of summer is going to be brutal. But at least it’s better than the questions I might get if I don’t.
I wheel the cart into the return and spin back toward Kole’s rental car. Right as I do, my foot catches on the metal base that stops the carts from rolling away. And before I can catch myself, I’m going down.
My hands fly out as my knees slam into the pavement, and pain radiates up my thighs. It’s so sudden—so sharp—it throws me back in time.
“Again.” Mom circles me, rubbing her rosary between her fingers and avoiding my gaze with every sweep.
The concrete floor of the basement digs into my knees, rubbing them raw. Blood pools beneath me, and it’s only getting worse the longer she forces me to stay like this. Every year, I get more numb inside, but my skin never thickens. It barely has time to scab before I’m right back where I started.
My ankles hurt from how they’re stretched as I sit on my shins, but Mom ignores my wince of pain that escapes as I try to shift into a more comfortable position.
“Back straight,” she snaps.
I pinch my shoulder blades and face the cross hanging on the wall in front of me. Candlelight casts deep shadows over it.
Her church.
My hell.
“Again, Patience.”
“Please, Father, forgive me for my sins. I’m sorry—”
“You’re sorry?” Mom pauses in front of me, blocking the center mass of the cross, while the arms stretch out at either side of her shoulders.
“You knew how much this business meeting meant to your father, and you walk in like this—” She waves me up and down.
“You always think so highly of yourself. I shouldn’t be surprised. ”
“I didn’t mean—”
“You didn’t mean to do what?” She cuts me off again.
“Look at you right now. Hair down like a whore. Skirt above the knees. Do you honestly need more attention than you already get? The world does not revolve around you, Patience Lancaster. You will do well to accept that. And you’ll stay like this until you learn that lesson. ”
She starts to circle again. Her cold glare slithering over me.
“I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for you.
But I suppose you’re my punishment for wanting more.
From the moment you were born, you’ve gotten in the way.
And just when I thought I could—” She cuts herself off, shaking her head and leaving that thought hanging.
“At least your brother shows potential. If only you would stop distracting him with your damsel-in-distress act. How many times do we have to do this before you listen?”
Listen?
Like she cares for me to actually hear her. I’m convinced all she wants is to break me until I finally disappear. Then I’ll no longer be her problem.
Mom pauses behind me, raking her fingers through my hair. She pulls it back in a ponytail that is so tight my eyes water.
“These ideals you cling to will get you in trouble, Patience. It is not your role to be independent.” She snaps the hair tie into place and takes a step back.
“Go. Clean yourself up before dinner. We have guests, and your brother needs to make a good impression. Don’t give him a reason to be irritated. ”
Mom turns and disappears at that. Her shoes scratch against the cement staircase as she climbs them until the creak of the door at the top tells me she’s finally gone, and my shoulders sink.
I wait until the door closes behind her before I finally push myself to standing, and blood drips down my legs.
The first few times she brought me here, I waited for her to remember that I’m her daughter.
That she should care about seeing me in pain.
Now, I don’t believe she sees anything in me at all.
Just a shell she plans to empty. A vessel she makes suffer for whatever it is about me that always seems to bother her.
I spent too long waiting for her anger to break in this room.
All that breaks is me.
If I do something wrong, Mom punishes me. If Alex does something wrong standing up for me, Dad punishes Mom, and Mom punishes me. It’s a vicious cycle, and I’m at the center of it.
I wipe the blood from my knees with my sleeves, but all it does is smear it more. I’ll have to wrap them before dinner, or they will bleed through my pants and Alex will realize what she’s done to me again. I appreciate his concern, but if he gets angry with her, it will only cause more problems.
It’s fine.
I’m fine.
I’ll suffer it for him. For me.
Someday we’ll escape them, and this will all be worth it.
“Patience!” Violet snaps me out of my memory.
A car barely misses us as she drops down beside me, and Kole watches the driver like he’ll slash their tires or their throat for not paying attention.
“Are you okay?”
“I—yes,” I lie through the pain that radiates up from my knees.
It’s been two years since I started at Briar Academy.
Two years since I’ve been in the basement at my parents’ house.
And still, my knees never feel as though they’re fully healed.
The deep scars ache at the simple reminder of kneeling before my mother’s cross.
And when they rip open again, the pain is nearly unbearable.
There was a time I thought I’d become numb to it. I thought the scarring would become thick enough that I’d stop breaking open so easily. I was wrong. All it did was become unsightly. Until the scars were too mangled to be easily explained, and I had to cover them so people wouldn’t stare.
Pressing my palms to the asphalt, I push to stand.
“You’re bleeding.” Violet’s eyes drop to the red stains blooming at my knees.
I brush my hands on my thighs. “It’s a small cut. I’ll be fine.”
Violet glances up at Kole, who looks like he believes me less than she does.
“I fell wrong. That’s all. I’m okay. See?” I take a step and smile, hoping I mask the sharp pain that shoots up my side. “I barely slept last night, and I’m a little clumsy. Let’s go, and I’ll clean up at the apartment.”
“If you say so.” Violet frowns, following Kole back to the car.
He doesn’t let go of her hand as they cross traffic this time. And he doesn’t leave her side until he shuts the car door behind her.
I climb into the backseat, thankful the music overtakes any conversation.
And I don’t know what hurts more, that my knees still throb, or that after everything, my brother and I aren’t any closer to escaping our family than we were back then.
I might be here for the summer, but I’ll be back in Bristal soon enough. And Alex is back with Sigma Sin.
No matter how far we run, we can never really hide.
In the shadows, the cross of my family will always loom over me.