Chapter 33 I Can’t Be Here
I CAN’T BE HERE
PATIENCE
The day I was supposed to join Jacob for the Vance Osentago interview comes and goes. Then another week comes and goes. Jacob’s lies are proof he never really cared about me, but to feel it with each passing day of silence hits deeper.
A naive part of me expected him to show up at my doorstep and beg me to listen to him.
That’s the problem. Sigma Sin men don’t beg. They don’t ask forgiveness. They don’t apologize for what they do. It’s exactly why I could never be with one of them.
I refuse to be some man’s trophy wife, expected to sit silently while he does as he pleases. Kills who he wants and fucks whoever crosses his path. He might be a god to his men, but I refuse to bow down to anyone ever again.
The only good thing about time passing is that school is finally starting, and I can bury myself in my studies. Hole up and pretend I’m still the same girl from last year. That girl would have chastised me for what happened over the summer.
That girl knew better.
I sink into a seat at the back of the classroom and pull out my laptop. College used to be the one place that made sense, and now, it only reminds me of Jacob.
Violet pops into class with Kole at her side, and they make their way over to me. I don’t know what to make of the fact that seeing them is comforting, considering how they were there for me when I got back from LA.
My roommates.
Their Sigma Sin boyfriends.
I’ve never felt safe with that fraternity, but Alex’s friends have surrounded me since being back, and after what happened with that man in the basement, it’s the type of security I need.
Alex, Kole, and Declan have no problem drawing blood, and for the first time in my life, that doesn’t bother me.
“Feels like we were just here,” Violet says, dropping into her seat.
Kole almost looks like he wants to set her on his lap, but he settles for keeping a hand on her thigh.
“Feels like a lifetime ago for me.”
Violet frowns, her gaze drifting to the front of the room. The moment she pauses at the front of class, her eyes widen.
“Wha—” All thoughts evaporate when I see Jacob walk into class.
I haven’t seen him face-to-face since the day in the basement, and as much as I hate him, he’s still one monumental, sinful temptation.
How had I never seen it before?
Everything from how he walks to how he watches people around him bleeds with power and Sigma Sin. His slacks and dress shirt are perfectly tailored but understated. Nothing to give him away. He’s not wearing a tie, and his sleeves are rolled up to show off his pornographic forearms.
I hate those arms.
Those hands.
Worst of all, I hate that I still remember how they feel giving me pleasure—gripping my hips when he’s about to come.
Those thoughts need to stop.
Jacob has his head down. One hand is in his pocket while the other types something into his phone. But the moment he reaches the front of the room, he looks up, and his eyes land on me.
Green wrecking balls that destroy what’s left of my heart.
Like he knew exactly where I was sitting. Like he’s known where I am all along.
“I can’t be here.” I shake my head, shoving my laptop back into my backpack.
Alex warned me Jacob was coming back to teach at Briar, but I assumed he’d be teaching higher-level courses. Not my class.
I told myself I would keep it together. That if I saw him, I’d look the other way and be fine. It was a lie. All this man has to do is look me in the eyes to break me, and that’s not happening.
“Class is starting.” Violet places a hand on my bag when I move to lift it.
“His class.”
Her lips purse. “So you’re going to avoid it all semester? Or switch? This is required for your major.”
My shoulders sink knowing she’s right. I can’t avoid him all semester, and I can’t put this class off for senior year. I have no choice but to sit here and suffer through a semester with Jacob.
My knees pulse with a phantom ache, and I rub them. A reminder that I’ve suffered worse and stayed strong. If I could bear that concrete, that cross, and my mother, I can do this now.
“Fine.” I cross my arms, looking anywhere but at the front of the room where I still feel him watching me.
Jacob starts class, and hearing his voice is even worse than looking at him.
I remember how it sounded when we were in bed.
The lies that rolled so easily off his tongue.
I should probably pay attention, but I let his lecture become white noise as I stare out the window, watching students in the courtyard and trying to disconnect.
It works until the two girls to my right start whispering.
“I can’t believe that’s our professor.” The blonde bites her lower lip.
“Mindy went to his lecture a couple of years ago. She said he was hot.”
“There’s hot and then there’s whatever he is. I might need some tutoring. Do you think he has office hours?”
“God, I hope so.”
My stomach turns even if I don’t blame them. That was me not too long ago. Stars in my eyes, thinking that because he was beautiful, I could trust him. What a naive girl I was.
“Those hands,” one girl says as Jacob starts writing something on the board behind him.
“That ass.”
They both giggle, and I finally snap, “We get it.”
The room quiets, and I realize the girls beside me aren’t the only ones looking at me. The whole room has turned its attention around, even Jacob.
I grit my teeth and run my hands through my hair, grabbing my bag.
“This was a bad idea,” I say to Violet, standing to leave.
Murmurs move through the room, and I ignore them all. Including Jacob, who announces something to the class. All that matters is getting out of here as quickly as possible.
Pushing my way into the hallway, my chest aches like I can’t catch my breath. People push past, going in every direction, but I close my eyes and try to focus. I’m letting him get to me. This is the problem with men; they screw everything up.
The classroom door swings open and almost knocks me in the arm, so I step to the side. I didn’t realize class was almost over when I stormed out.
Way to keep it together, Patience.
Violet and Kole are two of the last people to leave. She steps like she’s going to walk over to me, but Kole glances behind them and pulls her along. Only when Jacob walks out of the room do I realize why.
This time, I don’t run.
Briar Academy is my school. I shouldn’t have to.
Jacob tucks his hands into his pockets, walking over to me in the busy hallway.
“Already fraternizing with students, Professor?” My tone is venomous, and I don’t dare look at him.
“We need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say to you.” I lift off the wall. “And there’s nothing I want to hear from you.”
“Patience—”
“Don’t say my name. Don’t pretend to care. And don’t lie to me again.”
“I wasn’t pretending.”
I huff out an unamused breath. “Oh really? Because you seem awfully guilty, avoiding me since I figured you out.”
Finally, I do look up at him, and it’s a big mistake. His body is turned to mine, caging me to the wall more than I realized. Students pass glances as they walk by.
“I wasn’t avoiding you. After what happened, things needed to be dealt with.” He drags his hand through his hair.
“Things.” I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before. You forget, I know how Sigma House works. I know who you are.”
“You think so.”
“Are you going to try to convince me you’re different?”
He shakes his head. “No, but I was protecting you.”
I can’t help the laugh that bursts out of me because it’s absolutely ridiculous. To think, he’s going to actually try to claim that.
“Protecting me. Right…” I narrow my eyes. “That’s the excuse my father always used to use too.”
“I am not Gideon Lancaster.” Jacob takes a step forward, and his voice drops.
It’s the closest to anger I’ve ever heard from him apart from when he killed that man in the basement.
He takes another step. “When I say I’m protecting you, it isn’t because I’m selfish and using you like some bargaining chip, like your father did. I’m protecting you because I can’t survive if something happens to you. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe.”
“And how much power do you have exactly?” I tip my chin up, trying to disregard the rest of what he said because I don’t know how to process that right now.
“Enough.” He dares to reach for me with all these students passing by, but I pull back, so he slips his hand back into his pocket.
“The men of Sigma House never have enough.”
“Maybe they don’t. Or maybe I’m not them.” He stands tall, watching me. “But power has never been my biggest motivator, and right now, all I care about is you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it. Leaving me to your enemies. Letting them use me in your chess game.”
“That shouldn’t have happened. And it won’t happen again.”
I hitch an eyebrow. “Says the man who has been MIA.”
“Don’t mistake you not seeing me for me not being there, Patience. Trust me, I am always watching. I am always looking out for you. I took my eyes off you one time, and I learned my lesson. I won’t let that happen again.”
A shiver skates down my spine. “What does that mean, exactly? You’re putting me under lockdown?”
“Never.” He smirks, and I love that look as much as I hate it. “You’re free to do whatever you want, Patience, even ignore me. You can shut me out. You can avoid me. You can come and go as you please. You can chase any and every dream. There is only ever going to be one limit when it comes to us.”
I really shouldn’t ask, but I can’t seem to help it. “What?”
“You are mine.” He reaches for my hand, brushing his thumb over the back of it when I don’t pull it away. “And I am yours. No one will ever come between us.”
“What if I don’t want that?”
His eyebrows furrow, like I’m a puzzle that doesn’t make sense. The hallway starts to fill with more bodies, putting an inch more space between us.
After watching me for a long moment, he finally steps back. “I’ll come see you later.”
“I don’t want—”
“This conversation isn’t over, Patience.” He squares his shoulders. “I warned you this couldn’t be taken back. That was clear from the start.”
At that, he turns and walks away.